Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

[lolab]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

I think my desire to stop the nonsense was strongest when my son was just nearing the age where he would outgrow the notion of "just say no" to drugs and alcohol. He still believed that drinking was a very bad thing and that he would never do it. I just could not come to grips with being such a hypocrite with him - drinking and partying with friends - offering people a glass of wine the minute they come in the door - celebrating birthdays with drinking - drowning sorrows with drinking....all while telling him that it's bad...bad bad for you. Don't do as I do, do as I say....whaaa?????

So my realization that I had a "for real" problem...and all of these worries about him just all rolled into a nice little nutshell which spelled out QUIT. So it's pretty "out there" for today's world - but every chance I get, I tell him about some other "cool" person that doesn't drink. And let him know what a farce I think it all is....what a trap and what a moneymaker for the industry. We already feel that way about so many things - pharmaceuticals, etc....so it does make sense...and while he doesn't say "absolutely never" - he isn't saying "I can't wait til I'm old enough".

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Hey Cat (thanks for PM)

Yeah, it is a change. The bigger change is remember the discussions we had when we first arrived, about modding, or total AF time - and being open about it, trying not to delude ourselves but being aware we were pretty new all the same? Well I always remember how much i thought about that bottle of wine. How much I was, quite simply, looking forward to diving into that bottle quicker than Tom Daley off a 10m diving board. Looking back and thinking about my thinking then, it strikes me that not so deep down i was simply waiting, biding time until I could drink again - not because I wanted to be an alkie and drink as I used to, but just because... I missed it.

The first 7 weeks I was struck by how relatively easy it had been for me. A big part of me thought, actually I can do this - I can have a glass of wine, or even a night out or two... and then have the week off.

Evidently that didn't work so well :H

This time that has changed. I don't think like that. YES - I do still have drinking thoughts - each day there is at least a wee one, and every few days there is a longer ponder... BUT I don't look towards the bottle as a place to dive into. I realise I wanted to get drunk, not have a drink. One drink? What;s the point? One bottle? That was a different story.

What has changed? - well there's some stuff I don't write about here that I WANT to deal with sober. I want to go through that entire process sober, with clarity and all the shit and pain it might throw up.
And that's OK.
Why?
Because I believe I'll be stronger for it.
Because I do not want to douse hardship with wine.
Because people, such as yourself Cat, have shown me that there are ends to all of our darker passages.
Because I have hidden my true feelings from myself and others too long
Because to go back into a bottle would not only mean back to Day 1 (a bit of a fucker to have to start there again), but would screw up my days...my rhythm...yep, I gotta new habit in this being sober here malarky
Because there isn't enough time to spend it either a) lying in bed with a hangover b) feeling sorry for myself at my desk at work c) working out how it to get out of the AL quagmire again.
Because I want to be fitter, and stronger physically and mentally and AL aint gonna help there... I want to run those marathons and if i started drinking now, i'd have a hangover that would probably severely incapacitate me for the rest of the day.
Because I want to find MY view of the world as I see it... NOT a view driven by marketeers and money makers. (The romaticised view of AL...)

And the becauses go on....

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

lolab;1455643 wrote: I think my desire to stop the nonsense was strongest when my son was just nearing the age where he would outgrow the notion of "just say no" to drugs and alcohol. He still believed that drinking was a very bad thing and that he would never do it. I just could not come to grips with being such a hypocrite with him - drinking and partying with friends - offering people a glass of wine the minute they come in the door - celebrating birthdays with drinking - drowning sorrows with drinking....all while telling him that it's bad...bad bad for you. Don't do as I do, do as I say....whaaa?????

So my realization that I had a "for real" problem...and all of these worries about him just all rolled into a nice little nutshell which spelled out QUIT. So it's pretty "out there" for today's world - but every chance I get, I tell him about some other "cool" person that doesn't drink. And let him know what a farce I think it all is....what a trap and what a moneymaker for the industry. We already feel that way about so many things - pharmaceuticals, etc....so it does make sense...and while he doesn't say "absolutely never" - he isn't saying "I can't wait til I'm old enough".

Lolab - lovely, really really lovely to hear this. I absolutely agree - it is about offering role models - and parents are the most powerful advocates for positive role models. There are plenty of cool peeps out there who are AF - something I try to remind myself of each day... Gonna put some quotes up about it... :l

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Tom Waits quote (1)

They don't want you to sober up. Even though you've kept to your word that you'd write no more booze songs... You can't really, you know, be too concerned with what people really think of you, you just kinda have to pursue your own... you're on your own adventure of growth and discovery. Like Charles Bukowski said: 'people think I'm down on 5th and Main at the Blarneystone. throwin' back shooters and smokin' a cigar, but I'm on the top floor of the health club with a towel in my lap, watchin' Johnny Carson.' So I mean, it's not always good to be where they think you are, especially if you subscribe to it as well, which is easily done coz, y'know, you don't have to figure out who you are, you just ask somebody else...

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Tom Waits quote (2) (From 2002)

Oh sure, it's inevitable, y'know? When you begin, it's a man takes a drink. When you end up, it's a drink takes a man. Keeping my balance during that period was tricky. When I was in my twenties, I thought I was invincible, made out of rubber. You skate along the straight razor and flirt with it all the time. I've been sober now for nine years; the best thing I ever did apart from getting married. Was it hard to quit? No, the hard part was before I quit. This is the easy part.

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Tom Waits quote (3)

getting sober's not for sissies.

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Tom Waits quote (4)

I ask if he wrote a different kind of song when he was drinking. He thinks about this for an instant, then says,

No. I don't think so. I mean, one is never completely certain when you drink and do drugs whether the spirits that are moving through you are the spirits from the bottle or your own. And, at a certain point, you become afraid of the answer. That's one of the biggest things that keeps people from getting sober, they're afraid to find out that it was the liquor talking all along.

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Not that I'm a tom waits fan or anything...

[kuya]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Loving your work

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Notes from Route 66 - getting sobers not for sissies

Hi. Day 66 here. It's kinda funny, a little bit odd. Suddenly Day 70 and 80 and 90 don't seem so far off. I'll be there soon enough. And each few days that pass, it does get easier. It gets easier because the habit has been broke.

Still the desire can be reawakened all too quick. Had to hang out at the bar at work for 10mins tonight with two colleagues/former drinking buddies. It all came flooding back like a tsunami on fast-forward - the desire, the smells, the associations, the bonding, the relaxing, the buzz like a thousand mini hands giving every brain cell and every muscle a warm massage. And I was thirsty and hungry and tired.... so go figure what I was thinking about.

But the habit has been broke. So it is so very much easier to ignore the cravings and move on. I have better things to be doing this evening.

These past few weeks I have felt tired. Very tired. I still run, so it aint physical. But it's like a cloud surrounds my head tired. Murky grey cloud. Thinking sometimes a little confuddled. Uber sensitive. Seen doc - getting blood tests next week. YET... this is not a forever thing. I see it as a process. And it may be slow. And it may be hurtful. And it may cause a bit of turbulence.

And importantly, I do not believe it is affected by AL (or lack of AL). I think it is the reveal of what needs to be felt, dealt with and gone through that AL hid for the last 18 years. Giving up revealed Little I. And Little I doesn't have coping mechanisms of drink or drugs. To cope with hurt and pain and confusion, Little I only knows how to deal with it as Little I did way back when. Through feeling emotions... and, eventually, talking them through.

I'm just quietly fighting it, but it's taking it's toll on other parts of my life, that's all. Tom was right - getting sober is definitely not for sissies.

Fucking hell... that sounds so fucking serious doesn't it?! :H OK folks, we need to get some dick jokes on the move... I hear ya, I hear ya:

There's dick jokes on the way. Please relax. They're goin, "This guy better have some good dick jokes, I'll tell you that, honey. I mean, this guy better have a big, long, purple vein dick joke comin' to pull himself out of this comedy hole." Throw down the big purple vein dick and I crawl out of it and that's gonna be the joke at the end. Hahaha. Hey, the clown got a laugh.

Thank you Mr Hicks

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

As for failing, after being sober, the people that fail all seem to have a couple of things in common...

1. They have not really given up the possibility at the very back of their minds that they can have alcohol again. Its always there, if they are really honest with themselves about it. They may profess otherwise. But its there.

2. They are often deeply engaged in things, almost over the top about them, like an addiction but without the substance... this gets old fast, and relapse is always waiting for them.

3. They remain in a state of arrested development.

4. They cant get past the initially un-fulfilling, terrifying boredom of being sober for ever. This is a temporary state, but it can be persistent for up to two years or more, and very few people are honest about how disappointing it can seem. This is another residual effect of alcohol over consumption. It goes away.

5. They dont take depression seriously enough when it starts to seep in and try to tough it out or ignore it and hope it will go away. They dont understand its biochemical.

6. They persist in calling alcohol deadly or poisonous, when it is only harmful in the dosages that are necessary to make it an addictive substance. It is none of those things. its just a fluid in a jar. Its what is inside of us that responds to it in a way that we cant understand. Once we part ways with it and learn its just a fluid in a jar, we can begin to completely forget about it. This is why hanging out on MWO is often recognized by some ex alcoholics as potentially harmful to them. All that chatter about it every day, awakens too many brain cells that have been hard wired to it. So it becomes necessary to quit both AL and MWO in order to stay sober. This leads back to number one. its an endless cycle.

Stuff to think aboot...

[almost free]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Hi RC,

Indeed, it is a lot to think about. Further back, you wrote about drinking no longer being an automatic habit. That is also true for me and for that I'm grateful. I'm no longer afraid to spend an evening alone with time on my hands. I have found substitutes, with non-AL drinks I like and filling my evenings with other things I like to do. I feel like I now have some choice involved, whereas, while in the throes of the addiction, I couldn't seem to stop even when I wanted to.

I spent years in AA, but for some reason, AA just leaves me depressed these days, with the daily mantra of powerlessness....and of one's whole identity being primarily as an alcoholic. I want to move on, already. I want it to be a NON-issue. Otherwise, AL is still dominating my life, just in a different way...

At the same time, I find it helpful to come on mwo and see the successes and remind myself of the reality of where I could end up again, if I succumb. It seems to be a characteristic of this disease that we block out the bad memories so easily, and continue to romanticize the good times, which are long gone. I remember someone saying that your last drunk is the best it is going to get, if you go back to drinking again. Countless people posting here have attested to that! It is progressive. 'You can't turn a pickle back into a cucumber'.

I guess it's a matter of balance. Moving on and living life, but at the same time, sharing and connecting with others, helping those we are able to. I think Slay said it: 'grab a hand when you are weak & lend a hand when you are strong'.

I like that mwo is open 24/7 and does not preach any dogma or judge othes who are finding their way more slowly. I find a lot of encouragement and support here, fellowship, and feedback on how others are dealing with various common problems. It can be a lifeline of support and a vital connection to many who feel isolated in their despair.

I am so glad I found this site. And happy to have made friends with so many wonderful people here. I like that we are able to share the good, the bad and the ugly. It is NOT all sweetness and light. And I'm glad we are free to share our struggles, our doubts and our fears as well as our progress and victories. I've always loved your honesty about your struggles in sobriety and glad you started this thread. I, too, am still waiting for that 'pink cloud'!

[kuya]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

WARNING, WARNING -- CRUDE JOKE AHEAD !

RunningCourage;1457496 wrote:

Fucking hell... that sounds so fucking serious doesn't it?! :H OK folks, we need to get some dick jokes on the move... I hear ya, I hear ya:

There's dick jokes on the way. Please relax. They're goin, "This guy better have some good dick jokes, I'll tell you that, honey. I mean, this guy better have a big, long, purple vein dick joke comin' to pull himself out of this comedy hole." Throw down the big purple vein dick and I crawl out of it and that's gonna be the joke at the end. Hahaha. Hey, the clown got a laugh.

]

Do I have to do EVERYTHING Arsey????

Two penises were walking down the road, one firm, proud and erect, the other limp,floppy and miserable.

" why are you looking so bloody sad, it's really getting on my nerves! " said the erect penis.

" Well you can get f**ked but I can only get pissed ! "

[kuya]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Starting to feel better is a bitch I found, the excuses to go back are disappearing fast, eh?

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

almost free;1457644 wrote: It seems to be a characteristic of this disease that we block out the bad memories so easily, and continue to romanticize the good times, which are long gone.

Absolutely AF! And everyday I try and have a moment where I go, yeah if I drink x, y and z will happen. And all of them are shit. End of. Still... I'll be absolutely honest I still have days of wonder but... (now to quote Kuya....)