Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

[SKendall]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Thanks, RC and all others who have posted because all of this describes me with about 15 months sobriety. I've had a challenging year with surgery, end of marriage, etc. I've had those "pink cloud" periods, but the last month or so I have had clinical depression and even meds haven't helped. I know darned well drinking will not solve anything, but what to do?

Depression, lethargy, procrastination, insomnia became regular visitors. The procrastination induced anxiety, etc. Last weekend I thought if I didn't DO something, I would go crazy. I took my dog to a remote cabin and whilst it wasn't ideal and I didn't sleep, I did something! When I got back I had 8 hours sleep and awoke realizing that these feelings, or any feelings don't last forever, not even pleasure or joy.

So, at a much older age than you R.C. I am making a new roadmap for my life and it isn't easy, but it's my new job.

Just know that your giving up al at your age will make life so much easier for you. Congrats.

Thanks to everyone. MWO is a lifesaver!

[Lavande]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

CONGRATS RC
I believe that convincing ourselves, to really believe that being AF is what we really want is the hardest part of this whole thing. Once we do that work the rest is not so difficult
You've done a great job, keep going!

SKendall, same to you & congrats on your AF time!
Getting a handle on my long standing anxiety/depression first was the only way to go for me. That was the major part of my plan & I am grateful to have made that discovery. Wishing yuo continued success.

[almost free]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Hey Rc, you ok......or just taking a breather? I tried to PM you earlier, but you don't seem to be set up to receive them. Hope you stay close, even if you aren't posting. There were some pretty nifty exchanges earlier today, regarding Patrick's Flying Underwear prize. Really hilarious, if you need a good laugh. Then it got into some poetry, which you are really good at. Don't know if you caught any of it. Anyway, hope you stay close. We miss you when you are not here. Hugs!

[Patrick]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Dont be a stranger RC.Your presence hear is very much valued and Kuya and Star posted 2 genius poems.

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Notes from Day 98

Banjaxed.

Hmmm.... Not being saying much of late. Had my appraisal at work on Friday. Was, to put it crassly, shitting a brick over it. Realise after that I had done that typical Arsey thing of letting the Committee of Negativity in my head get the better of me. Or even just the Committee of Other Peoples Imagined Voices and (Negative) Opinions, and what I'd say to said voices and opinions... when in reality said voices may likely not have those opinions.

So I had the appraisal and no sooner had it finished than the weight of the fat cats in the Committee Board room were vanquished... The power of our own negativity, to look at things negatively when the reality is not that at all, is quite something.

I was sure I was going to get a drubbing, but no. I admitted that I was dealing with some personal issues at the moment (issues arising since giving up AL) and that i felt this was largely why my mojo had disappeared at work... and consequently me not being on the ball as I should have been. No fingers were pointed by my line manager, we just went on and looked at how to set reasonable goals for the next 6 months. I come out with a clearer sense of direction, and a mojo that's been given some free fuel to help chug it along.

The Committee of Negativity that so put the fear of god in to me re the appraisal, i begin to recognise being at work in other areas of my life and one I need to work on: differentiating what I'm imagining to be the case and what is really the case. It's not always easy.

AL - I have noticed how certain cravings have returned. I linger longer at people's pints. Some staff stayed late, into the wee sma' hours. 6 months ago I would have too. I would have stayed and thought "sod work tomorrow - I'll feel rough, but i can teach feeling rough" True... I can.... and often did... But i left early, left them to go their merry way, returning home for tea and toast.

But the questions are here - "am I really this way?" "maybe i could have one...?", "maybe I have learnt that I ought never to do it alone?!?!" and they are louder. I keep reading FreeFly, for the simple fact that she is 5 years sober. Sobriety need not be the denying of something, but the acceptance that life can be as good as - if not better than - one with AL. Especially if we had an issue with it in the first instance.

What pulls me through each day is the slow burn discovery of the question asked of Whip at the end of Flight... "Who are you?"

[paulywogg]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

im so glad you finally posted r.c, missed ya

[Juja]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Wonderful post, RC. Thank you.

I would like the Committee of Negativity to exit my tortured mind, and leave me in peace. Be gone!

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Notes from Day 101 - Rosco

Hello.

Well, not sure what I want to say, how I want to say, or if I want to say anything.

A friend, a colleague, a 6' 3" red head loon with a heart and a soul so gentle, kind, warm, giving, gifted, friendly, funny, fucked up, tortured and pained... was found today. In the Clyde.

Rosco had been missing for these past three and a half weeks. Abandoned his wallet and phone at a Casino and walked out into the city at midnight. Few leads had been found. Until today.

A mutual friend of Rosco's and mine had just heard, walked across the road into my work. She never comes to see me at work. I looked in her eyes. You know the way you know without anyone ever saying a word...

I could try to compile words to articulate how I feel, how his family might feel, what this situation is. But i can't.

Stunned.

Rosco, you were only 30. Ya feckin' eegit.

[satz123]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

:l RC - so sorry

[porqoui]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

:l's and :h RC....

[JackieClaire]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

I'm so sorry, Runners. Tragic.

[Recluse]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Very sorry to hear this runners....I know how concerned you were about your friend's welfare.

[almost free]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

So sorry, RC. Such a tragedy for everyone. He was so young! If only others could really feel how much they are loved by those around them. And how much it hurts to lose them. God, what we do to ourselves! Praying for you to have the strength to get through this terrible shock. Stay close so that we can be there for you and comfort you. Hugs.

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Notes from Day 104

The below in blue was posted by Flying Angel in the newbies nest today. Aptly it seems to be where I have arrived.

In-between
by Melody Beattie

Sometimes, to get from where we are to where we are going, we have to be willing to be in-between.

One of the hardest parts of growth is the concept of letting go of what is old and familiar, but what we don't want, and being willing to stand with our hands empty while we wait for them to be filled.

This may apply to feelings. We may have been full of hurt and anger. In some ways, these feelings may have become comfortably familiar. When we finally face and relinquish our grief, we may feel empty for a time. We are in-between pain and the joy of serenity and acceptance.

Being in-between can apply to relationships. To prepare ourselves for the new, we need first to let go of the old. This can be frightening. We may feel empty and lost for a time. We may feel all alone, wondering what is wrong with us for letting go of the proverbial bird-in-hand, when there is nothing in the bush.

Being in-between can apply to many areas of life and growth. We can be in-between jobs, careers, homes, or goals. We can be in-between behaviors as we let go of the old and are not certain what we will replace it with. This can apply to behaviors that have protected and served us well all of our life such as care-taking and controlling.

We may have many feelings going on when we're in-between: spurts of grief about what we have let go of or lost, and feelings of anxiety, fear, and apprehension about what's ahead. These are normal feelings for the in-between place. Accept them. Feel them. Release them.

Being in-between isn't fun, but it's necessary. It will not last forever. It may feel like we're standing still, but we're not. We're standing at the in-between place. It's how we get from there to here. It is not the destination. We are moving forward, even when we're in-between.

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

It has become semi-normal to not drink.
It has become normal to crave on occasion.
It has become normal to wonder about it, consider it, decline it.
It is becoming more normal to be scared to drink: the desire to live a life of daily downing a bottle of wine after a few jars in the pub is certainly fading
It is normal to see and realise that near everything has some association with drink
It has become OK, sometimes, to be out socialising and not drinking.
It is normal to wake up feeling only a desire for a coffee, and not for a vat of water and half a pack of paracetamol...

Slowly, gradually, day by day, it is becoming normal to believe a little bit more in oneself.