Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

[Byrdlady]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Normal is most excellent! XO, B

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Another note from Day 104

There is a quiet confidence building.

My voice that belittled me, is weakening.

I took an entourage of wanes to see a show in Glasgow, saw old colleagues there, and didn't feel at all that overwhelming sense that I wasn't suppose to be there. A sense that was often married with a desire to drink. Funny that.

Instead I was content to converse, just be there and enjoy being there. It was good. Simple, nothing more. And that magic some peeps speak about? Well, maybe I'm beginning to see it, in the distance, from the corner of my eye.

[kuya]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Notes from Day 107

Yo Kuya! You alright? Love it when I see the black cat prowl into the Stella thread

Running: Trying to get a fricking 1.30 in the half marathon :H But it's looking way more likely than it would ever have done had been on the grog.

Posting to better understand our condition: Kuya wrote a few weeks back that those who posted and read here more regularly were more likely to succeed in their quits. I concur. It's not rocket science. It's training the brain. I have seen lately new arrivals who say "I am not an alcoholic" or "I don't really have a problem" then they come here and post: two things: 1) WHY exactly does anyone come here in the first place? AS Sunflower said in Inchy's thread today, it doesn't matter what, when, or how much you drank - if it was affecting your life negatively it was a problem. Period. To say "I'm no an alkie" and "I don't really have a problem" is the addicts head desperately searching for a get out clause, while the core YOU gets real and seeks help here. 2) And then I read the same new persons posts and read of their struggle to not buy a bottle... And you said it's not a problem?

These new peeps were me once too.

Keeping positive: Some observations: a) WORK: a good appraisal at work recently gave me renewed energy for work. Still horizon scanning the future, but work is, on the whole, somewhat better. b) SELF-ESTEEM: it is too early to say, but being clear of the booze has afforded me to see and begin to very gradually work through some issues: self-esteem; historical; keeping it all a little more real. c) LOVE: I am single, I do desire a partner, yet... right now it is as if I am OK being single... working through personal issues, and dealing with low self-esteem has taken priority. And I am OK with that. d) HOME: I have seen a cottage in a nearby village. More than I can actually afford, but I fell for it.

[Catbuddy]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Oh, RC, a cottage sounds outstanding for you! So much a symbol of the new mature man emerging. Did you rent it? When do you move in?

Concur on the reading/posting dynamic. No room for complacency.

Cat

[kuya]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

It is terrifying, once sober for a while, to realise how much of our 'reality' was, in fact, a distorted fantasy created by booze.

I am now starting to see the person the world sees, or rather I am becoming authentic, I AM what the world sees.

Alcohol destroyed my confidence, my optimism, my drive, my love for self and others.

I am a very strong minded person, but I am not stronger than addiction.

Sober you regain the potential to have EVERYTHING you have dreamed of, we all can, by relinquishing one thing.........not a bad trade IMO

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Notes from Day 114

Not a great deal to say, i feel, but thought I'd post where I was at.

So right now, it's all feeling OK. I can't really complain too much. The fact that I am moving to a cottage next week, and leaving shared accommodation is filling me with a sort of advent-type anticipation!

I am continuing to work on issues of self-esteem. This is a longer haul process. It is working through all of this that presently helps keep me sober. I don't want to deal with it while also dealing with hangovers. I also don't want to deal with the emotional repercussions of drinking again: "why did I do that?" "what does it say about me?" "am i weak?" etc... Although there have been moments this past week especially that I have thought, "fuck it." ... Such as after the Drama Night at the posh skool.... where the skool gave me a bottle of wine as a thank you. And the headmaster then slipped me a second :no:

Indeed I had a drinking dream last night - I drank 4/5ths of a bottle of red, felt somewhat sick and looked at it trying to work out WHY i drank it. What, if anything, did it do for me?

So yes, continue with working on self-esteem issues. Like I say, this takes time. But I want to work through it all completely, to get to a place where I feel not just "better about myself" but that I can deal with day to day happenings more positively. It's the paradox of letting go and taking control.

I have said before on other threads, I want to stay sober to get to the point where I can feel totally comfortable in social situations where drink is involved... That my self esteem is strong, that I relish social situations, let my hair down, dance, laugh and do what I want to do without feeling the need for 3 pints to get me going. That is, to get to the point where I know I COULD have a drink, but don't see a reason WHY.

[Siren136]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

That's a great goal, RC. I think getting out on your own is going to help your confidence a lot.

I remember in my twenties, going out to clubs just to dance. I didn't care if I drank or not. I think I could still do it if there was such a club around and I had the right group of friends with me.

But at home, with no other diversion or activity to keep me occupied, I can't wait to start drinking.

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Notes from Day 115.

Lav has 4 years today

Twice in the past week I have been given bottles of wine as thank you gifts for work I have done.

Forget about why do people have to give one another bottles of wine (what about some homemade lemon curd? or homemade pickle? or ?10 bob note so as i can get a hair cut :H)... what I am interested in is what I do with it.

One bottle I gave to my mum - a belated (and free for me) birthday present. The other I still have. It's just hanging about not doing much.

Last night I had a dream - I dreamt i drank a beer - or maybe it was a shandy - and I dreamt that it felt normal to drink it and I remember when having drunk it thinking "Oh shit, I didn't even think before I drank that and now my 100+days AF are all for nothing... but maybe I could lie? Or maybe i could fess up in a PM and keep it quiet on the boards? Or maybe... or maybe... or..."

Wake up. Feel relieved.

But it's there. A tiny little drinking urchin at the far reaches of my inner noggins, stirring a wee cauldron of bubbly, quietly, with a charming grin spread across its face. Like a sweet scented, sweet lookin' hynotist, endearing me to turn and walk to face it and...

Not today.

But it is there. And as for the second bottle of wine, the temptation to keep it as something ornamental, in case someone, say, comes to visit me is there. I fear, however, that i still want the bottle, not the glass. Ergo, the bottle has to go methinks.

[Byrdlady]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Get ye bottle out of yonder house! Else the dam thing will sprout heads and begin to speak in tongues and mock you. Lead yourself not into temptation!
It is normal to have that voice from time to time. but it's what you do with it that separates the nondrinkers from the also-fells....it is a last gasp of the Beast whispering sweet nothings in your ear to get you to feed it. It is like a bean stalk, one drop of AL and it goes nuts on you. I'm not lying to you...this is WORD. Take back the control of your thoughts. Get that bottle out. You are trying to achieve MindPeace...it is a great place to be.... seeing AL for the destructive machine that it is and not the romantic illusion we have...it is trying to kill us. Remember our posts on Euphoric Recall? Shake it off....move on along...nothing to see here. Keep it moving.....B

[kuya]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

OMFNG.......i will get on a plane and come smack you up side the heed!

Do you keep a cigarette handy in case a smoker perchance drops by? why not? how very rude and unsociable of you !

and while you are stocking up....pop down the underpass and score some heroin, meth, cocaine and weed........you never know WHAT folk might fancy as a wee tipple.... mustnt be judgemental there, each to their own! :H:H:H

when guests arrive you can honestly ask " what's your poison?"

[Lavande]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

RC,
Everyone on the planet knows I no longer keep any beer, wine or booze here. They know if they want to drink it they have to bring it themselves. And no one really gives a shit either :H

I agree with everyone else, get rid of that bottle NOW

btw - Stella & the girls are drinking plain water these days & don't know the difference :H

[Siren136]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

RC, some people keep wine handy "for special". I think your "for special" should be a shout out to your AF time by POURING THE SHIT DOWN THE DRAIN!!! Do that that then go do something for yourself you have been putting off. Like asking out a girl you like or buying something new for your new cottage.

[Catbuddy]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Okay, just I'm going to chime in and pile on. Remember in my first two weeks (no, but I forgive you) I won a bottle of wine by placing second in a triathalon? I was so proud and pissed. I got home, got on the boards, read about the "heads sprouting" thing and poured the wine down the drain. I laughed hysterically the whole time.

Go for it. It was free. Pour it down the drain. You will feel amazing.

BTW, I kept the bottle. It's a good memory.

Cat

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

I hate wasting. Therefore the bottles will very promptly become presents. And out of the house, to another home. End of.