Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

[free at last]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Hi Mr. RC,
Been a while since I've heard from that witty guy on this thread. How's it by you?

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Ah, Free! I do mean to post here more often... but alas, I is a lazy little so-and-so.

Funnily enough, It's 9 calender months today since i stopped. And i have to admit that the longer i am sober the more natural it all becomes, but equally there are still questions i have. And that may mean being explorative with the drink.

But I only say that because it is what i think. And here I am trying to be as open and honest as possible.

Having said that, Friday was the farewell event for me at work. They closed the buliding and the cans and wine and gin were opened. And by-fucking-god the hours were so loaded, that all i wanted to do was have a drink. To relax. And i could not, did not, relax a single jot. If there are moments when drink is due, that was sure as hell one of them.

And then we moved on out, I said good bye to my line managers and went with others - friends - to a pub... and for 90minutes I had a good banter. But as soon as 10pm comes, i get tired, and no amount AF beer is gonna keep me awake or there as the swell of booziness makes all that goes on... not very interesting to the sober wan. So i left.

Interestingly, the following day, the techie manager at work (who I think everyone at MWO would classify as an alkie), having spent a good 5 - 10 mins saying goodbye to me (hugs and stories and bitching about work) the previous night - as I left BEFORE EVERYONE ELSE - well, he only went and asked me the next morning, "when did yis all leave?"

Sometimes someone shows you why it's good not to drink (or good not to drink as I used to drink).

When did yis all leave?
But mate, I left first - YOU were the one still there ...
The inverse has happened to me in the past :egad: :H

[satz123]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

And i have to admit that the longer i am sober the more natural it all becomes, but equally there are still questions i have. And that may mean being explorative with the drink.

Funnily enough - this is exactly how I feel. Not quite there as AF no matter what FOREVER in my head yet

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

satz123;1551054 wrote: And i have to admit that the longer i am sober the more natural it all becomes, but equally there are still questions i have. And that may mean being explorative with the drink.

Funnily enough - this is exactly how I feel. Not quite there as AF no matter what FOREVER in my head yet

Yes Doc, I understand this one absolutely. People ask me, who know i'm no drinking "So is this like forever? Do you describe yourself as T-Total, or just not drinking for the now?"

And tbh... i always just say, "just for the now"... cos i don;t know what tomorrow brings... but today i don't wants a drink.

Funny though, cos yesterday would have been a good day for a drink (inasmuch as a) i had just run a marathon b) i don't have to go to work this morning c) i was passing by my old favourite drinking establishment, a folk music bar on the banks of the river tay...) 9 months ago i would have been in there quick as you can say "Pint!" But... nah... the habit of not drinking put an end to that.

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Drink aside, some times we get wee moments where we both want to make them last forever, and capture them for some state of realisation, some gratitude. Gratitude is not something i have ever really spoken about here as it is something i have yet to fully understand in depth, in me, embraced.

Still there are moments when you capture yourself and realise how fucking lucky you/I are/am

Zen
In the garden

How freaking lucky am I
Just to lie
In the garden
On a warm September noon

How fecking lucky am I
With time to lie
And glimpse views of
Birnam hill through sun kissed trees

How frickin lucky am I
To be the boy
Born of gardeners
In whose creative toil i can relax

How effin lucky am I
To bathe here in my
Sweet moments
Of tranquility
Zen -

How fucking lucky am I
This garden where I decry
Men who cast wars
Blast poisons into innocent air

How fucking lucky am I
This moment to try
To try to realise
Some zen, in the garden, one September noon.

How fucking lucky am I.

[Byrdlady]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Beautiful, RC. You are pretty dang lucky!

Stay this course, Mr....if there were one wish I could grant to folks on this site, it would be the gift of MindPeace. It took me a LONG time to find it, but I'm telling you, it is priceless. Those thoughts of drinking have been squashed so many times that is it now second nature to me. Just stay the course....no matter what. Never have I seen a post on this site where the person was happy that they drank after a period of time...NEVER. And you can almost NEVER say NEVER. In this case, you can. I am so proud of you for staying AF for these 9 months, it only gets better. That's prolly why your posts here on the Stella thread are fewer....you are healing!

GREAT JOB on enjoying this moment in time. All the best, Byrdie

[free at last]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

RC, you are extemely talented. Your poem made me think of your thread where you talked about how artists had to "work" at their craft. That is, do it every day -- in and out. You need to write, every day.

Congrats on the 9 months AF. I hope you stay with it.

[Sake123]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Congrats on 9 months! That's really cool. And I love the poem. Gratitude, when acknowledged can be such an awesome thing!

[Byrdlady]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Bump, for Gambler......
Hey RC, hope you are thriving!!! Byrdie

[Lavande]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

I haven't thought to visit Stella's thread for quite some time but glad I did tonight
CONGRATS on your 9 AF months RC! Good for you!!!!!

Lav

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

STOP PRESS: 284 days and...

I had a wee glass of wine.
Consciously
Deliberately
Plus a rolly?
And it is the rolly that I wish i hadn?t had, 36hours on and about to run a wee 10km race.

But this aint a smoking cessation site, but an alcohol one.

Anyway, as I said to Molls, I would always be up front with where I am with AL. It was, one year ago, my nightly evening go-to. It didn?t prevent me from running, it didn?t prevent me from going to work? but it was there. I was hiding it. And as such was ashamed that this was what I did. I may now have a more humdrum evening routing, but there aint no shame in it.

So, after over 9 months what was the reason I did have a glass?
I?m not entirely sure.
Off the top of my head there are three things that converged.

1. There was always (for me) ways out of being AF. I just needed a situation whereupon I would be able to allow myself a glass. And the reason for having a way out was - and continues to be - my wondering of whether AL can be in my life without either resourcing back to the more avarice and abusive ways i?d used it? Indeed to allow it in while continuing to adopt and develop my recent AF habits.
2. I have been seeing a counsellor kinda person since end of January linked to a prior event? there are aspects of my life that I have begun to lift stones from? but there?s still work to do here. And there are stones in particular that i don?t feel I have even tried to budge. I;ve just looked at them. Mused at the pros and cons of moving them. Wonder what happens if I release all the critters that are hiding in their homes beneath.

Sorry for the vagueness, but there are aspects of my life I continue to keep private - as there are for us all here.

However, most recently there are have been things that have happened and I wonder how I deal with feelings? Big changes in my work, resulting in my job being made redundant; my brother announcing he is to get married? The way i deal with my real and honest feelings re these - the monkey mind that plays havoc on how i preceive myself in the world - is a stone that has been studied and scoured but yet, perhaps, worked upon.

3. It was at a friends 60th Birthday bash - 100+ folks in a beautiful country location in the midst of the hills in rural Perthshire. It was 11.30pm. All around a warming campfire, very relaxed and enjoying the company, new folks and old friends. We?d all be going to bed within the hour. Still, with one lassie smoking rollies (I smoked this ticklers for 14 years - hadn?t a smoke since Hogmanay 2012), and friends opening a final bottle of red to share among folks, I chose to join them. Imbibe a small glass and roll a rolly.

And within the hour, I was in bed.

I wrote about it briefly before I turned out the light.

Feeling a fed-up ness and anger that i have let out in spits and spats [usually to my folks] and immediately feel guilty for doing so. This fed-upness and anger was peaked last weekend with my brother and his fiance as i drove them around looking at possible wedding venues? and thereafter exacerbated by my both not getting any job in Edinburgh and getting a part-time one in Aberdeenshire [a place I?ve spent many years and had little intention of returning to? and financially it needs some creative thought as to where I live etc?]
These things seem like small fry.
All things being relative?
Yet I feel like I am - or have let this feeling of - going nowhere.
The fact is I hold such little love (or just not enough?) for myself.
Ach for fuck sake.
What a fucking stupid thing to say - what the fuck does that mean anyway?
I really wish I wasn?t so bleedin? fucking bloody sensitive.
Man up
Butch up
Grow a fucking hide ?

And then I went to sleep.

And then I woke up some 6 or so hours later.
Guilty? No, not really.
Feel the effects? Sure - my body hasn?t had AL or nicotine in 9 months. But fuck me, note to self: do not have a fag if a race is anyway near looming. And yes, best avoid that AL too.

I have no idea where this will all lead.
My plan as I write this is to continue on as if it never happened - i.e. to embrace AF living as I have been doing. But I will be honest, when I look ahead, for example, at my brother?s wedding that i know i can have a glass and not be breaking anything (as in months of AFness) and can raise a toast of champage to him and his wife-to-be? well, I do feel a little easier with it. But that aint for a while.

What DOES keep me on the AF track is my dedication (addiction) to running. My brother ran up Jungfrau yesterday - a marathon UP an Alp (there is no down until you complete the run). I?m jealous enough as it is with his adventures, I could easily give up on my mundane-in-comparison flattish road marathons. But I don?t want to. I want to give myself my own race challenges. And as smoking and drinking don?t go with running (and running up hills and mountains) i choose to avoid these.

At the very least, Friday night?s glass of red and rolly was an experiment.

What?s more:
9 Months AF is fecking awesome
I have found I can live pretty well with my new AF habits. Gonna take these, and run.

[satz123]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

:l Froglet
I applaud your honesty and ever enquiring mind.

For some ( who are the very lucky ones imho) - we need to choose our battles.
And then return to where we are very comfortable these days - living AF that is part of an overall healthy lifestyle.

The End

[satz123]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Sent PM Froglet:l

[free at last]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Dear RC,
Am suffering some serious jetlag so have time to catch up on my favorite threads/people. Wanted to say that 9 months is incredibly awesome. I haven't come close to 90 days yet and if I recall you are in a situation in which AL is present in your house -- that would be really hard for me.

I understand that feeling of wanting, "just for now" to fit in with the group. Afraid I probably would not stop at one glass and then go to bed. I'd probably be looking for a bottle that I could finish. That's my worry.

Good for you for posting, for thinking about why this decision, and what is next. I will continue to follow your postings and wish you much strength.

Hope you've been having some great runs.

[RunningCourage]

Stella (Chook), I stole your booze...

Thanks Free, really appreciate your post.

Maybe because it was only one glass, I have no compulsion to drink. Indeed I am a little scared of it, due to the effects it may have for getting up early and running. I haven't had a glass since, and thus far have had no compulsion to. Long may this continue.

Being AF is a journey of discovery and, as with any long journey of discovery, some of the effects of being AF dont, i think, appear for some time. Breaking a habit, or stopping the daily dive into the bottle is one thing, but then there is acclimatization. Dealing with situations - positive and negative, parties and crisis' - with a new AF approach and appreciation for can take months, maybe even years.

It's a long road.
But a brighter one.