Starting again and scared

[moni]

I've really messed up. I've been here before but not for a long time. I should have stuck with it then but I didn't and old habits crept back in quickly. I've registered now as a new user so I can have new beginnings. I need to or I could die.
I've had a really really rough year and the drinking got bad again. The past week I had even become more cautious because I knew I was high risk of not being in control if I drank. The other evening I drove home from work and went shopping for groceries. It had been a good day and I thought 'I'll get a bottle of wine, have just one glass in front of the tv and get an early night'. 4 days later and I've just been released from hospital. I ended up in intensive care after OD'ing on alcohol and sleeping pills.
I woke up to find my brother next to me, this was something new and the doctors told me it's quite likely I could die if this happens again (no, it wasn't the first time it happened. This is the first time my family are aware). They're upset, angry, hurt and concerned. We buried both my parents suddenly this year and they could have done without this. They've warned me that I cannot/should not ever let a drop of alcohol pass my lips again. I agree but wish it was so easy. I'm so scared. I cannot let this happen again. I know for the first week or two while the memory is fresh to me, I'll be fine but then temptation begins. I've been through it all before but this time it's so much more serious. This time I'll let people down. Before I was only letting myself down.

[Mootsbill]

Starting again and scared

Hi moni, well done for reaching out for help. You have to see this as your rock bottom, have you thought about AA meetings? It sounds like you need some real hands on help?
I know exactly what you mean about it being easy when the hell of the memory is fresh in your mind. I was doing really well last year and then one day I decided to have a drink, to cut a long story short I blacked out at home, woke up 6 hours later to find that a neighbour had broke in the house and called an ambulance, and my kids had to be collected from school by s friend as I hadn't turned up :0( the horror was horrendous, anxiety, vomiting etc etc. so I do know how you feel and am sending you cyber hugs.
Did they offer any follow up help at the hospital?
A friend if mine recorded themselves during a hellish hangover in full swing, he watches this when he feels tempted. Maybe an idea whilst your still feeling fragile?
Xxx

[moni]

Starting again and scared

Hi Mootsbill. The hospital are going to follow up with me and a psychiatrist is going to contact me. However, this happened last year and while I followed up on every appointment, I was pretty much written off as fine after a few appointments with different people. I know I'm not 'fine'. I have considered AA meetings before but I'm not consistent drinker. While the solution is the same ie. no drink at all. I can go weeks without one but the minute I take one I go from A to Z without any control of what's in between. I familiarise with your story above. It's awful to think that by just opening a bottle of wine, pouring one glass so much destruction follows.

[Yogamom]

Starting again and scared

Oh Moni, As bad as things seem, they are not as bad because you have not lost hope. You are reaching out a hand. There is help here. We are all in this together.

[Caper]

Starting again and scared

Hi Moni... I'm probably not the right person to respond to your post but I checked and there aren't that many members online right now. I'm sure you will hear soon from the "old-timers" here who can offer you their excellent advice and un-ending support for your struggle. Just please know that I, personally, am relieved to read that you made it through your last ordeal. Though you sound understandably down, and I can understand why you're scared, you don't sound defeated and that's what's important. People here will direct you to things like the "toolbox" that will provide you with all kinds of good stuff. They will tell you that by reading back through the "Newbies Nest" you will see that you are not alone and you are certainly not the only one here feeling scared and overwhelmed. Everyone here on this site has been at their own crossroads at one time or another and most of us can all relate to what you're feeling right now. The good thing is that you're here! You've found an awesome site that will undoubtedly provide you with the support and information that you need to begin your battle. I can see from what you've already been through, that you're probably a lot stronger than you think. Stay with us while you recover over the next few days and weeks but STAY WITH US and we'll help you get past that time when the temptation begins again. One thing that always helps me: 1 Corinthians 10:13. "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." Good luck to you!

[RunningCourage]

Starting again and scared

Hi Moni,

As Caper said, there are many here with a wealth of experiences, some may well be similar to yours. We're all here to support each other, so stick with us, keep posting - post it all, the highs and the pits - it'll help you and will no doubt help another at some other point. Here's the links to the newbies nest and tool thread. Be well, and see you around Moni.

Newbies Nest

Tool Box
RC

[mama bear]

Starting again and scared

we are here for you moni.....be well

[Nelz]

Starting again and scared

Moni,

As difficult as it may be to put a positive spin on your hospital visit, it can be a great motivating factor. It takes some of us a real eye opening "rock bottom" to finally give up the grip of AL. Even after all the foolish things it makes us do, and the way it wrecks our bodies, we still continue to hang on to what we "think" is some sort of good thing.

You can do this when you are truly ready for it.....and it sounds like now might be a good time to start.

The new screen name sounds like a great idea me to, a clean slate to start your new journey. I cant offer any quick fix option for you, it will be a challenge for sure. One day at a time, one hour at a time, break down the urges....fight them off and let them build up. Pretty soon, before you know it, you will have some real AF time.

Hang in there, I wish you all the knowledge, support, and strength it takes for you to reach your goals.

[techie]

Starting again and scared

Welcome back moni. Wishing you all the best!

[Raven2012]

Starting again and scared

Moni,

What kind of sleeping pills did you take?
How much did you drink?
I am asking because my husband is an md and we've seen this before. I don't want to minimize your pain but if you can answer these questions, there may be some hope for minimizing your risk for the future. Best, Raven

[moni]

Starting again and scared

Hi Raven,
The sleeping tablets were Zimovane (zopiclone). Not sure how many were taken.
I'd drank just under two bottles of white wine. Actually less than initially thought as on release from hospital we discovered a full bottle in the house unopened which I had thought I had drank some of. Thankfully I had not opened this.

[Raven2012]

Starting again and scared

Hi Moni

Ambien is less likely to be fatal than Zimovane. But anything mixed with alcohol is a timebomb. Please, please get help. It sounds like you have a slippery slope once that first drink is past you.

Also Moni,

I didn't have much luck with the "Newbies Nest" It was hard for me to navigate. However, many people find it very helpful. If you don't please don't give up. Just keep scrolling, reading, posting. It helped me a lot to stay inspired. Start your own threads. Make friends.

Also, I wouldn't get too wrapped up in labels. "abstainer" "alcoholic", "moderator" what you have here is a bad situation that you need to get a hold of. Period. However you do it. Whatever you call it. Whatever path you take. Your family needs you right now, so next time you go to the grocery store, please pass right on by that wine aisle OK?

[moni]

Starting again and scared

Thanks Moni. The thing is I don't even normally take sleeping tablets. I took them deliberately in despair while under the influence of alcohol so the only solution here is no alcohol at all.

Today is day 5 and I'm starting to get that nigging feeling of 'I wouldn't mind just 1 drink this evening' but I know that 1 drink could turn into several and turn into another attempt and this time I may not make it.

[Nelz]

Starting again and scared

Right on! 5 days is AWESOME

That little voice in your head will most likely be there for a bit........Id hate to see you give in now. Especially in the early stages when quitting is the hardest, but I think thats when we make up the most ground.

Its much harder to fight now, then it will be in the future, and if you can manage to keep plugging along, you will continue to see positive improvements in almost all aspects of your life.

Wishing continued success :goodjob: