Need to end this madness

[Red Riding Hood]

Hi everyone :new:

I am on yet another day 1 - it's just madness and it needs to stop. I have bizarre drinking patterns, when my boyfriend is with me, usually each weekend and at least one day in the week, I'm fine, don't drink, don't want to drink, don't even think about it. But when I'm on my own, OMG, I *have* to drink. I don't even want to most of the time, there's no physical craving and I don't even enjoy it anymore, all I can describe it as is a compulsion. These are all weekday evenings too so you can probably guess how things pan out at work for me the next day...

It's like my brain knows the window of opportunity to drink is limited so it has to grab whatever opportunity it can to consume alcohol (between a bottle and a half to two bottles of wine). I only ever drink at home alone in fact most people think I don't drink at all. My bf knows I had a problem and thinks I've been stopped for over a year. He's a normie though, only ever drinking in moderation, very occasionally, so it wouldn't occur to him to think what a struggle it might be and that I very definitely still do have a problem with alcohol. As far as he's concerned, he doesn't see me drink so why shouldn't he believe I've stayed stopped? I hate myself beyond belief for lying to him. I'm also mortified at all the weight I've put on and that my metabolism has now slowed to a complete standstill (OK may be a tiny exaggeration, but not far off!) and I'm desperate to get my figure and fitness levels back, not to mention my sanity. I joined a gym a few months ago and drive past it most week nights in favour of going to the supermarket for supplies, how sad is that??

So, I've come to the conclusion that I need more than just my bf to be accountable to and so here I am! I know it's going to be hard but the alternative of continuing in this trap I've set for myself doesn't bear thinking about. I just want to be able to rack up the AF days until my brain finally gets the message.

Really looking forward to getting to know you all

Red

[RunningCourage]

Need to end this madness

Red Riding Hood;1413562 wrote: Hi everyone :new:

I am on yet another day 1 - it's just madness and it needs to stop. I have bizarre drinking patterns, when my boyfriend is with me, usually each weekend and at least one day in the week, I'm fine, don't drink, don't want to drink, don't even think about it. But when I'm on my own, OMG, I *have* to drink. I don't even want to most of the time, there's no physical craving and I don't even enjoy it anymore, all I can describe it as is a compulsion. These are all weekday evenings too so you can probably guess how things pan out at work for me the next day...

It's like my brain knows the window of opportunity to drink is limited so it has to grab whatever opportunity it can to consume alcohol (between a bottle and a half to two bottles of wine). I only ever drink at home alone in fact most people think I don't drink at all. My bf knows I had a problem and thinks I've been stopped for over a year. He's a normie though, only ever drinking in moderation, very occasionally, so it wouldn't occur to him to think what a struggle it might be and that I very definitely still do have a problem with alcohol. As far as he's concerned, he doesn't see me drink so why shouldn't he believe I've stayed stopped? I hate myself beyond belief for lying to him. I'm also mortified at all the weight I've put on and that my metabolism has now slowed to a complete standstill (OK may be a tiny exaggeration, but not far off!) and I'm desperate to get my figure and fitness levels back, not to mention my sanity. I joined a gym a few months ago and drive past it most week nights in favour of going to the supermarket for supplies, how sad is that??

So, I've come to the conclusion that I need more than just my bf to be accountable to and so here I am! I know it's going to be hard but the alternative of continuing in this trap I've set for myself doesn't bear thinking about. I just want to be able to rack up the AF days until my brain finally gets the message.

Really looking forward to getting to know you all

Red

Hey Red,

:welcome:

You've arrived at an amazing place. Your post struck me - for 3 reasons: 1) you're new and I wanted to say hello :hiya: 2) your drinking pattern was somewhat similar to mine both in terms of amount and also in terms of when you drank (I'm single at the mo' but when i was with my last partner, I wouldn't drink that much with her, but when on evenings by myself, then that was the excuse to crack open the cans, pop the corks and sit back and let myself slide................. and 3) see the bit a put in bold above.

I think there are many here at MWO who that will resonate with also. I think that one of the things that makes it hard for some (certainly me) to give up, or to admit that there is a problem, or to seek help in anyway, is that other people don't see us drink, don't see us drunk and therefore presume we do not have a problem.

Anyway there's many wise old birds here who will offer wise words of wisdom. I'd recommend popping into the Newbies Nest and checking out the Tool Box, links below.

Newbies Nest

Tool Box

Look forward to seeing you round the boards, Red!

RC

[bettygirl]

Need to end this madness

not really bizarre at all! i can relate...stay around and you will see that most of us who drink alcoholically or are "problem" drinkers do all sorts of deceptive (even to ourselves) things to drink...we are pretty much all in the same boat! that's some comfort, isn't it?

we're here to support you, but you have to come here and make the committment to yourself to work towards a better life. alcohol; cunning, baffling, powerful...we all understand!

peace!

[Red Riding Hood]

Need to end this madness

Thanks for the welcome RC and Betty, yes it looks like a very good place and I'm so glad to be here. No more deception!

So the start of day 2 and feeling very positive, am going straight to the gym after work tonight, I've even written it in my diary and if it's written down, I have to do it. I will also check out the newbies nest tonight, thanks.

Have a great day all

Red

[kuya]

Need to end this madness

Just wanted to say Hi and :welcome: to MWO

As RC and Betty said you will have many people sharing the same pattern of drinking.

You mention your weight and I wondered what your eating is like.

I am not alone of the many women ( and possibly some men) here who have a history of eating disorders. I certainly put my drinking down to avoiding food. My brain learned that the only way to get me to consume calories was in booze......hey presto! Addiction!

When we are with a partner we tend to follow what they do and if that includes sharing a meal this may be why you find it easy to abstain when you are with him. Alone you hate yourself for being overweight, don't eat, drink then eat late because you are starving. Bingo...... You get fatter.

If this makes sense to you then addressing your diet will help you so much in quitting, if this is not your problem then it may help someone else.

[Nelz]

Need to end this madness

Another howdily doodily doo from the welcome wagon :welcome:

I totally understand the drinking, but not really even wanting too. I had the very same issue, it sounds crazy I know. Days I would find myself driving to the liquor store, just because I thought I "had" to drink.

So glad you made it through day one, thats a great sign for you. Dont worry about the countless day ones......most everyone here has had multiple start overs.....its ok, we will just call it your Muligan.

Keep building on those AF days and you should start feeling better about yourself.

Great idea coming here for some accountability, even if you never meet anyone on here(although Im sure you'll make some real friends), there is something to be said for having to answer for what you have done.

Wishing you the strength, knowledge and support needed to reach your goals in your new journey.

[Red Riding Hood]

Need to end this madness

kuya;1413865 wrote: Just wanted to say Hi and :welcome: to MWO

As RC and Betty said you will have many people sharing the same pattern of drinking.

You mention your weight and I wondered what your eating is like.

I am not alone of the many women ( and possibly some men) here who have a history of eating disorders. I certainly put my drinking down to avoiding food. My brain learned that the only way to get me to consume calories was in booze......hey presto! Addiction!

.

Hi Kuya and thanks for the welcome. I do take your point about the relationship between addiction and eating disorders but I honestly think my eating patterns are fine. I've always had a normal, healthy diet (and I cook fresh food from scratch) and an average or normal figure. It's only in the last few years that I've really piled on the pounds, all over but especially around my middle, ironically since I've cut down from being a full time daily drinker to an every three to four days drinker. I honestly think my metabolism doesn't know whether it's coming or going so has just given up completely in protest! I've been thinking about taking milk thistle though to try and repair my poorly liver and hopefully kick start my metabolism as well.

Red

[Red Riding Hood]

Need to end this madness

Nelz;1413924 wrote: Another howdily doodily doo from the welcome wagon :welcome:

Keep building on those AF days and you should start feeling better about yourself.

Great idea coming here for some accountability, even if you never meet anyone on here(although Im sure you'll make some real friends), there is something to be said for having to answer for what you have done.

Wishing you the strength, knowledge and support needed to reach your goals in your new journey.

Thanks Nelz, that's exactly my plan, accountability, because clearly nothing else I've tried to date has worked. And greatly looking forward to making new friends on MWO too of course

Hey, ho, day 2

Red

[kuya]

Need to end this madness

Red Riding Hood;1414025 wrote: Hi Kuya and thanks for the welcome. I do take your point about the relationship between addiction and eating disorders but I honestly think my eating patterns are fine. I've always had a normal, healthy diet (and I cook fresh food from scratch) and an average or normal figure. It's only in the last few years that I've really piled on the pounds, all over but especially around my middle, ironically since I've cut down from being a full time daily drinker to an every three to four days drinker. I honestly think my metabolism doesn't know whether it's coming or going so has just given up completely in protest! I've been thinking about taking milk thistle though to try and repair my poorly liver and hopefully kick start my metabolism as well.

Red

Well if you are gonna get rid of the booze then taking liver support and other supplements may help get your motor running again.
Interesting about the change from daily to binge. A lot of heavy daily drinkers of spirits are thin......maybe they just don't eat.
Anyway first things first..... Quitting the booze. Hard, but not as hard as you may fear.

[kdog]

Need to end this madness

Red, Just wanted to welcome you, you've found a great site with lots of info. I have found a new love for herbal teas! Good luck!
Kdog

[Raven2012]

Need to end this madness

Oh Red,

You know, the Topimax that Roberta recommends could get you squared away in no time. I lost 15 lbs and combined with the kudoz it really helps with cravings. Place an order and give it a try. You will feel so much better if you can be more transparent with your boyfriend and let him know that you've been dealing with some temptations and have finally gotten over them, and then show off your great new figure! Give it a try!

[Red Riding Hood]

Need to end this madness

kdog;1414787 wrote: Red, Just wanted to welcome you, you've found a great site with lots of info. I have found a new love for herbal teas! Good luck!
Kdog

Thanks for the welcome Kdog I have tried herbal teas intermittently and particularly like green tea with mint but I always seem to come back to good old builders tea! (on my 7th cup of the day as we speak )

[Red Riding Hood]

Need to end this madness

Raven2012;1414790 wrote: Oh Red,

You know, the Topimax that Roberta recommends could get you squared away in no time. I lost 15 lbs and combined with the kudoz it really helps with cravings. Place an order and give it a try. You will feel so much better if you can be more transparent with your boyfriend and let him know that you've been dealing with some temptations and have finally gotten over them, and then show off your great new figure! Give it a try!

Thanks Raven, I am actually taking kudso, not thought about Topimax though, I thought I'd see how I go with the Kudso and Lglut first, will bear it in mind though :thanks:

That is some seriously impressive weight loss though, good work!

Red