I don't know how to do this anymore. I don't know how to not drink either.
I've been here before, on this forum, mostly not so serious about it I think. But now this thing has me petrified. I don't know how to fix it.
The only plan I have in place so far is to take B's and glutamine 3 times a day & post here. And to do nothing but rest this week. I have been so busy this year and alcohol gives me the energy (or motivation) to do what needs to be done.
I think I have to come face to face with the mundaness of this thing we call life. I haven't found any joy in life for a good long time. Maybe the alcohol caused it, maybe it caused the alcohol...I dunno. The chicken or the egg.
I plan on taking this thread & trying to write it all out this week.
I probably should avoid caffeine as it kick starts the jitters, then my glucose level flattens leading to more shakiness, then the trip thru the drive thru starts playing out in my head. And another day begins.
I really don't want to go to AA meetings. Being a drunk is shameful enough. But I guess I will if it comes down to it. Right now I don't feel strong enough, more like I would burst into tears as soon as I walked in the door.
These posts are probably going to be long & it won't hurt my feelings if folks don't feel the need to read thru them....nor even reply. I just want to spill my guts and let it all go.
I am interested in hypnotherapy if anyone knows of any good ones on youtube or somewhere free.
I went beserk on my boyfriend this evening. He is on the couch. I fixed food & he said he wasn't hungry. I took it outside & gave it to the stray cats. I knew it wasn't about him though, but about my daughter. She is ashamed of me. And highly critical. There is no pleasing her when it comes to me unless I am giving or doing something for her. I've decided I need to let that go & just keep it cordial. I can't live up to her expectations.
I've had a rough year this year. My first complete year of no menses so evidently that means I am post menopause? I've also gained a few pounds due to high carb intake during drinking, most likely due to glucose dips. I have no problem staying low carb when not drinking.
The weight gain has by no means hurt me. I only weigh 110 or so, but it is uncomfortable because I am used to being smaller. And it is mostly around my waist. Most likely I will lose it quickly if I stay sober.
My boyfriend was a mess when I first met him. Now he is getting his shit together while I'm falling deeper into the abyss. I'm jealous. I know it is my love & caretaking that is raising him up and at the same time, taking me down. I don't know how to do anything but caretake but at the same time, I hate the responsibility of it. It's all self imposed of course. I need to learn to direct that focus on myself.
I have actually considered leaving home for a week. And I still may do that after a week of rest. I'm a home drinker.
I've also lost all of my spiritual hope this year. I've always been into the new age thing, the channelings, the energy work, ascension, alternate timelines, etc etc. Now I've come to the realization that it is all crap. That the world is a garbage dump & I'm just another piece of the trash. So, I've lost a big part of what I consider my identity this year in that regard.
So, the rebuilding of a life begins. Right now I can't think of anything in life I want. Except to get this monkey off of my back.
Peace to all who enter here.
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