I think I've hit rock bottom

[NewOne]

I think I've hit rock bottom

Well, after a sober weekend, I have come to the conclusion that the AV is a major LIAR!

It had me convinced that I was a social misfit without the AL. Well, this weekend proved differently. The bf and I did everything we normally do, and I did some 'normal things' that I don't normally do. The only difference is I was sober. We laughed, played, listened to music, danced, shopped, cooked. We had just as much fun as we always do. I will never fear any social situation without AL again.

I can't wait to find out what else the mo fo has lied to me about.

The sugar cravings are still hitting me. I had to make more low carb peanut rolls. ;-D Hopefully my glucose will stabilize soon. I'm taking the l-glute.

Last night I was feeling a bit out of sorts (worry about a family issue) and I took a kudzu. I wasn't thinking of drinking. I just wanted to see if it once again improved my mood. It did. I can only take one. If I took the full dosage of 6 a day, I would be beyond loopy. I don't know what this stuff has in it, but to me it is like smoking a joint. So my plan is to take one in the evening if needed.

[NewOne]

I think I've hit rock bottom

well I have come to another conclusion. The AV will use emotions against me. I realize now that the worry I had the other evening was the AV, because I had a thought along the lines of...is this how it is going to be ? Nasty images & thoughts creeping in my head giving me worry...? And the sadness I had last week. All weapons of the reptile brain. My Higher Self, knows no worry, no sadness. It understands that everything is in divine order.

There are some things that has tortured the AV, helping me in my quest to differentiate between it & my real self. I now recognize it's squirm. It's excitement. One was, I bought a bottle of cabernet Saturday and put it in the fridge. It is nice & cold right now. (the beast is squirming now) and the kudzu. When I first thought of taking the kudzu, the AV started flinging words at me that are not in MY vocabulary but is something it holds onto dearly...words like relapse, moderation, social drinker.

The thought of being buzzed sickens me. That is not me. I'm cool.

I am also beginning to recognize the AV with the smoking issue. I went shopping this morn & was enjoying myself just being out with the public (which it hates & has lied to me excessively about this) when it told me that I was no longer happy because I needed to smoke. And I'm like..no, YOU want a cigarette...I WANT TO CONTINUE WHAT I AM ENJOYING!

And I did. I find this whole thing to be interesting as hell.

My appetite is feeling different. Now that I understand that 'glucose stabilizing' is just the AV using pretty words to gain some resemblance of control. It wants to rule, to call the shots, to be Top Dog. And if it needs to resort to sweets to do so, it will. . Well I called it on it's BS.

"I" am not this body.

[Alcoholic]

I think I've hit rock bottom

Good soul searching! I love reading your posts!

[NewOne]

I think I've hit rock bottom

Not much really to update. I've seemed to have acclimated to "real life" fairly easily. Today I was out & about with a friend of mine & tomorrow I am going to my Mother's for an overnight stay.

I think some parts of my system is stabilizing. Sleeping better, my appetite is not so erratic, sugar cravings are not consuming me, My system is moving a little bit faster than I would like (always a previous excuse to drink) One cup of coffee this morning had me operating at warp 10. My brain zig zagging and my focus & memory were whacked.

My bf said he would be fine if I never drink again. Which is good. I would have told him to prepare himself for a split if he had stated otherwise.

[Nelz]

I think I've hit rock bottom

Well done, very encouraging times for you it seems.............keep it up....you'll love being AF

[nicelife]

I think I've hit rock bottom

Keep on, keeping on.... There is NOTHING like living your life SOBER!!!

[NewOne]

I think I've hit rock bottom

Last night I was reading some of my Rational Recovery book. There was one line that gave me fits of giggles & an aha! The line was....Tried everything but quitting?

And it's true. I've never quit. I've stopped. Big difference.

Quitting is knowing I will never do it again. Stopping is laying off long enough to get a bit of my health back while the AV convinces me that I can drink "now & again", "only on weekends", "not until 5", "just a few drinks".

Another thing I found hilarious & I am paraphrasing....you don't want to moderate, or just have a few drinks...YOU WANT TO GET DRUNK.

I think this Jack guy is funny.

[NewOne]

I think I've hit rock bottom

No drinkey! My daughter seems to be over it, we had a nice chat this evening. She is very supportive and proud of me. That kind of freaks me out a bit because I am in the no BS mindset. Proud of me for what? That I FINALLY stopped acting stupid? LOL.

Anyway, at my mothers, I got pretty ill in the evening. Vomitile projectile kinda ill. At first I thought it was something I ate or caught a bug or something, which hasn't happened since I was a child. Several people brought up the question of it being related to my detoxing. I'm not keeping track of the days any longer but am considering that it may have been my body's big expulsion of the toxins, even though it has been quite a few days since I quit. Why I am considering that theory, is because the brain fog dissipated greatly afterward.

When talking to my daughter she asked about the drinking & I said.."I don't drink". And there was no fear. She mentioned some words that my AV loved...trying...lifetime recovery...relapse.. don't beat yourself up if you do...etc etc etc.

I told her straight up that I wasn't playing that.

When I look at the aforementioned versus quitting, quitting seems so much easier with less energy expended. Just writing the words gave me a feeling of deflation...like a balloon. Way to much work in all of that. A lifetime versus a minute.

I still haven't finished the RR book. I'll get back to it when I need a few more laughs.

[kuya]

I think I've hit rock bottom

An interesting read ..... You are doing so well and the AVRT is interesting. I need to quit smoking and keep falling over before I even start. This is my next task

[NewOne]

I think I've hit rock bottom

As far as the smoking, I'm at the 'I should" and the "I'd like to". I need to be at the "I want to". But if and when I get there, I'm convinced that I have the tools that I need. The al was good practice. I've come to the conclusion that it is not about quitting, but committing to staying quit.

And also the fear was never me, it was the AV. My Higher Self, knows no fear & that is who is now calling the shots concerning AL

I am pretty much back to my normal life, my normal self, with it's ups and down, irritants & joys. I knew it would take only as long as I gave it.

According to the time wave calculator, habits will flatline soon anyway. Today is the last day of maximum habit. We are pretty much free agents from here on.

I slept well last night & my both my nervous system & glucose has stabilized.

I also gave away the bottle of wine that I bought. My AV didn't flinch but it still sends images of me sipping wine to my brain.. Which is so sneaky of it. I have always been a hard core beer drinker. When it saw I wouldn't give in to that, it went with the al free wine images. I think the plan may have been to get me liking the taste & it becoming a crutch (having to drink SOMETHING so as not to feel an outcast when others are drinking) then eventually redirecting me to the real stuff. At least this was the images I was getting.

Well, I don't feel like an outcast. And although my AV does not consider wine drinkers as "drunks" reading this forum tells me otherwise.

My daughter is coming home for Xmas. And yes, I'll be keeping her dog, whom I will enjoy so much more now that my head is right. Even though we had major good times while I was drinking,(good times for her, a drunken blur to me) I was neglent the next day when I could barely drag myself out of bed to live, let alone give her exercise & attention.

I'm sorry, please forgive me, I love you. Animals are my biggest sensitivity, my biggest strength, my biggest weakness. And I'm okay with that.

[NewOne]

I think I've hit rock bottom

I just realized this morning that I have no alcohol envy toward my bf because he gets to drink.

None.
Whatsoever.

It is more of a reminder. And an empathy thing. The drunken blur, the constant need to guzzle more. Not being able to eat. The more than shitty mornings. Being so sick I didn't have the strength to feed myself the next day. My central nervous system feeling whacked. Having to knock down a few just to get my head right And starting the whole process all over again.

It's Monday. He knocked back a 12 pack both Saturday & Sunday.

No...no alcohol envy at all.

From here on out, I take personal responsibility for my life, what was & will be. Choosing to take that first drink, knowing that it will lead to certain known and proven consequences, doesn't qualify me as a victim any longer, but an adult making an informed decision.

[NewOne]

I think I've hit rock bottom

No drinky!

I had a crave hit me out of nowhere today, but it only lasted a moment.

Sleep is good. The alcohol fog is gone.

My energy is good.

Nothing much to report. I still haven't finished the RR book. Evidently I don't need it at this point in time.

Happy 12/12 !!!!!!!!

I'm looking forward to a sober holiday.

[K9Lover]

I think I've hit rock bottom

NewOne;1424747 wrote: I just realized this morning that I have no alcohol envy toward my bf because he gets to drink.

Good job! Now switch this to being thankful that you don't HAVE to drink anymore. "Gets" implies that you are being deprived of something...which we know you are not...unless you count hangovers and anxiety as something you miss!

You are doing so good, I am proud of you. Keep it up!

K9

[NewOne]

I think I've hit rock bottom

oh no, I totally do not feel deprived. And I feel great empathy toward him. Especially when he wakes up on Sat & Sun not feeling well. And while he may not mention it, I am too familiar with the morning after feelings.

Yesterday I took my mother to an xmas party at an assisted living center where one of her friends reside. My mother is 73 and still very active. I'm thankful that I now have the opportunity to get re-involved in her life. I was involved, but only to a point. Drinking & recovering from drink took precedence over my family involvement.

I am also thankful that I have a forgiving & supportive family.

I'm thankful that I now have clarity concerning my actions & the consequences.

I'm thankful that I now have time to enjoy all of those things that I missed due to the self induced drunken blur. I am thankful that those things are now more important than alcohol.

[ThreeDogNight]

I think I've hit rock bottom

Wow, you are doing great!!! Love reading this. Thanks!
:goodjob:
TDN