I think I've hit rock bottom

[NewOne]

I'm pretty sure my relationship with my kid is destroyed. I don't think I can ever make it right. I've been an alcoholic all of my life, with some dry spots here & there. Every day I quit, every other day I start again.

I don't know how to do this anymore. I don't know how to not drink either.

I've been here before, on this forum, mostly not so serious about it I think. But now this thing has me petrified. I don't know how to fix it.

The only plan I have in place so far is to take B's and glutamine 3 times a day & post here. And to do nothing but rest this week. I have been so busy this year and alcohol gives me the energy (or motivation) to do what needs to be done.

I think I have to come face to face with the mundaness of this thing we call life. I haven't found any joy in life for a good long time. Maybe the alcohol caused it, maybe it caused the alcohol...I dunno. The chicken or the egg.

I plan on taking this thread & trying to write it all out this week.

I probably should avoid caffeine as it kick starts the jitters, then my glucose level flattens leading to more shakiness, then the trip thru the drive thru starts playing out in my head. And another day begins.

I really don't want to go to AA meetings. Being a drunk is shameful enough. But I guess I will if it comes down to it. Right now I don't feel strong enough, more like I would burst into tears as soon as I walked in the door.

These posts are probably going to be long & it won't hurt my feelings if folks don't feel the need to read thru them....nor even reply. I just want to spill my guts and let it all go.

I am interested in hypnotherapy if anyone knows of any good ones on youtube or somewhere free.

I went beserk on my boyfriend this evening. He is on the couch. I fixed food & he said he wasn't hungry. I took it outside & gave it to the stray cats. I knew it wasn't about him though, but about my daughter. She is ashamed of me. And highly critical. There is no pleasing her when it comes to me unless I am giving or doing something for her. I've decided I need to let that go & just keep it cordial. I can't live up to her expectations.

I've had a rough year this year. My first complete year of no menses so evidently that means I am post menopause? I've also gained a few pounds due to high carb intake during drinking, most likely due to glucose dips. I have no problem staying low carb when not drinking.

The weight gain has by no means hurt me. I only weigh 110 or so, but it is uncomfortable because I am used to being smaller. And it is mostly around my waist. Most likely I will lose it quickly if I stay sober.

My boyfriend was a mess when I first met him. Now he is getting his shit together while I'm falling deeper into the abyss. I'm jealous. I know it is my love & caretaking that is raising him up and at the same time, taking me down. I don't know how to do anything but caretake but at the same time, I hate the responsibility of it. It's all self imposed of course. I need to learn to direct that focus on myself.

I have actually considered leaving home for a week. And I still may do that after a week of rest. I'm a home drinker.

I've also lost all of my spiritual hope this year. I've always been into the new age thing, the channelings, the energy work, ascension, alternate timelines, etc etc. Now I've come to the realization that it is all crap. That the world is a garbage dump & I'm just another piece of the trash. So, I've lost a big part of what I consider my identity this year in that regard.

So, the rebuilding of a life begins. Right now I can't think of anything in life I want. Except to get this monkey off of my back.

Peace to all who enter here.

[NewOne]

I think I've hit rock bottom

I'm wondering if this should be moved to the newbies nest?

[NewOne]

I think I've hit rock bottom

Is the newbies nest a sub forum or just a thread? If it is just a thread, I would like to keep this here if it okay? I apologize, I haven't been to this forum for some time.

[Nelz]

I think I've hit rock bottom

I think Id leave it here....the NN moves very fast, and things can get lost quickly. I am in no way knocking the Nest, but this seems to be a very personal thread for you. If you leave it on its own, it will provide a more personal feel.......thats just my 2 pence.


Welcome aboard, my eyes are finally getting heavy so I cant elaborate much more than that....there is hope out there, you can win this battle, and you can return to some sort of normalcy.....I promise you :welcome:


Dont worry about posting in the wrong section, its pretty laid back here.....the NN is a thread

[jjcopper]

I think I've hit rock bottom

Dear New One: I week ago today I was in your situation and feeling the exact same way. Thought about leaving home for a week too as I am a home alone drinker. If you have access to a counselor that would help you sort out the demons that cause the drinking. If not go on line for counseling it is there, you just have to spend some time looking. This is a great place to be too. I am new to this site. 10 days sober today. My stopping drinking was a click after several trips to the ER this year and a lot of shame and self loathing. My sister is my rock and I saw how I was hurting her. So it had to stop. I am one of those who can not take that 1st drink ever again. So now I don't drink. We all have many trails in our lives with family and loved ones. None of them want to see us kill ourselves which it what we are doing with the alcohol.

As to the menopause, yes you are in it. It can last a few years after you stop the menses. Hot flashes and night sweats will come and go but will go forever one day. I take Wellbrutin 75mg 2x day. That is all I am on. Waiting on the L-Glut to try. What has helped me the most and no it was not AA. It was a private counselor and this site and reading everyday on the effects on alcohol, sugar, caffeine. I still drink soda but just 2 a day now. You can't stop everything all at once. It is fine to have that coffee, cola until u are stronger.

I believe in God but I do not attend any church. I read on line for my belief system and it does give you strength. I pray at night to be released from the bondage of alcohol. That is how I am doing it. I don't know your insurance info. but inpatient helped me too. There are also outpatient programs here in Ga. I don't know where you live but again on line can find these programs. Sometimes just looking for them and reading the material helps a lot. Bottom line is that you have to want to stop drinking in order to do it. No one in your family can help you with that decision.

I am here if you need to talk. I am an expert at quitting. This time like we all say is the last. For me it is. I would like to heal my body from the poison and look better, feel better and be here a long time for my family. I am single and live alone and retired to boot. So me and time are old friends. Hang tough and seek out any help you can find. JJ in Ga.

[Lavande]

I think I've hit rock bottom

Hello & welcome back NewOne,

You know MWO is a good place so please stick around for support regardless of where else you get support
There are a lot of us here who have experienced exactly what you described & I believe it is largely due to age related changes. I finally realized I would get no where until I got my mood stabilized. I was on an AD for a few years but didn't have lasting results & too many side effects. I found a terrific OTC mood stabilizer called Amoryn 4 years ago & have been on it ever since. It made all the difference for me

Please do stop in the Newbies Nest for more support. Remember that relationships can be repaired but it takes time. Wishing you the best!

Lav

[NewOne]

I think I've hit rock bottom

Right now I am feeling horrid guilt. My daughter sent me "one of those" e-mails. I was keeping a pet of hers for six months so she could get some stuff together. Before she came home for the holidays, I told her to prepare to take it back with her & I stuck to my word. So now it is my fault that her pet is stuck in a shitty apartment with no fenced in yard while she does her work, and may even have to be re-homed. When first taking the responsibility, I informed her that I did not want another animal & was only doing it to (it was supposed to be 2 months) help her out.

None of that eases the guilt...and I miss the animal so badly that my gut is in knots. But I can't do the caretaking right now. I'm not healthy enough. I have to focus on me. The animal took a lot of time & energy & work.

Plus I have the shame of "being drunk" all the time she was here. And the guilt of that also. She didn't stay around me much. I feel like it will be the last time I see them both. And I wonder why. Like I might just walk out the door and disappear or something.

In my first post, I had an aha moment when I wrote that there was nothing that I wanted in life (as it all seems so dull & mundane) except to get this monkey off of my back. Maybe everything had to be cleared out so I can tackle this thing.

Maybe this will become my passion. My mission. My quest in life. Is this my contract & if so, what is the purpose & who does such a thing? Come to earth, live a shitty life of an addict, lose all passion in anything life has to offer, then beat down the addiction.

I don't get it. I mean...really? Really???? I don't know whether to laugh or cry. But I feel like I was born for this very moment. Right here, right now. To beat this thing.

By any means necessary.

Thanks to those who welcomed me. It was heartening to read about the daughter reunion. But I'm pretty sure that I will never live up to my daughters expectations even after I do sober up. And I may not even have the right to even ask her to trust that I am okay....when I do get to be okay.

I have to learn to live with what is.

As far as insurance, Zilch. I'm pretty much on my own I think. As far as that aspect goes anyway. My mother & boyfriend are pretty much unconditional toward me, so I got this place & them so far. I may hit up the ole AA after my week of rest. That is kinda sorta MAYBE in my plan.

[K9Lover]

I think I've hit rock bottom

Hi New One and Welcome!

I, too, was an at-home alone drinker...for years. I was drinking 12+ beers per night...sitting on the couch watching TV. And technically I wasn't alone, my young daughter was there too. After one of my many drunken escapades, I stumbled back into the house (I decided to walk the dog at 11pm in my pajamas and didn't take my phone) and I found my daughter in tears, on the couch, putting on her shoes to go look for her drunk mother. She had also written me a letter saying exactly how my drinking affected her. I'd love to say I quit right then and there, but I didn't. I do however believe it was the beginning of the end of my drinking career. It triggered something inside of me. I quit for her, but I stay sober for me, which benefits us both.

You CAN do this too. My advice to other "at home" drinkers is always to take a few nights and stay away from home as long as possible...go to the movies, shopping, the library, long drives...whatever it takes to pass the time. Then when you do stay home, change up your drinking spot...move furniture, switch on different lamps, anything to trick your brain and tell it "we don't drink here anymore".

Please stick close to us...keep reading and posting.

I look forward to getting to know you!

K9

[Tipplerette]

I think I've hit rock bottom

Wishing you all the best in your endeavor. I hear a trembling hope in your words and I want you to know we are all behind you. You do have a mission in life and I think you've found it. Keep journaling. You are helping those of us in our struggles just by being honest right now at the beginning of your successful journey to sobriety.

I have a 25 year old adopted daughter and there were many years that she couldn't stand the sight of me (and I was not drinking too heavy back then) but after some time apart and a few years of both me and her maturing, we get along fine now and she even laughs at my stupid jokes.

I will be checking your thread to enjoy your success and to root for you all the way.

xox

[SKendall]

I think I've hit rock bottom

Hi New One. I'm so glad you are here and welcome.

You have already received some excellent advice. As a mother to a lovely daughter I can tell you that when I was drinking my daughter disconnected with me and it was very painful. We now have a lovely relationship.

Just keep posting and reading and you CAN beat this.

Good Luck :l

[NewOne]

I think I've hit rock bottom

The thing about my at home drinking is that a lot of it was for productivity. It gave me whatever I needed to be able to do laundry, gardening, clean like a machine, etc etc. So, I am a day drinker as well.

Some of your replies brought tears to my eyes. I am usually somewhat of a happy person, just extremely bored & without any passion for life.

I think before when I visited this forum I was still in a bit of control mode, but I've lost all of that. I couldn't even stay off the booze for my daughter's holiday visit. For me that is my bottom.

I am doing some reading on AVRT. I think I like that approach as I do have some experience in deleting a program thru recognition. It resonates with me.

[kuya]

I think I've hit rock bottom

I wish I could fast forward you for even one day so you could see that ALL your negativity is caused by alcohol! ALL OF IT!

Alcohol has stolen you cos you are now running on the wrong fuel, that is why you get the energy to function during the day, you have modified your body to run on it.

It can be reversed quite quickly, trust me.

I ran my body pretty much only on vodka and four pieces of bread with maybe some protein daily for 23 years!

I am twelve weeks sober and the world has changed ( no, I have changed) and is now full of hope and opportunity.

Read my link below to get a feel of what is going on inside you, then climb aboard the sober train and enjoy the ride!

[NewOne]

I think I've hit rock bottom

Thanks for the link. I go on vitamin binges pretty often, so I have a cabinet full of everything that was listed. I know this, but when drinking, I don't adhere to it of course. And I am usually a strict low carber but this year due to the high alcohol consumption, when duly buzzed, I've been hitting the carbs.

So, the nutritional aspect I have under control as far as knowledge. It's beating down that voice in my head that tells me JUST a six pack will be fine.

[nicelife]

I think I've hit rock bottom

Welcome NewOne!!!

You are in good hands here!! Keep posting, there is always wonderful support and truly gorgeous people. Nelzie, K9, Lavande - countless others.

I wish you all the strength, peace and courage you will need on this journey. It's a tough one, but so very worth it.

Let me know if I can help in any way.

Hugs, Nicey.

[NewOne]

I think I've hit rock bottom

Well today I have both barrels ready, but of course....I've been on a binge since Wednesday.

I'll probably be fine tomorrow also, feeling a bit almost normal. Wednesday could very well be a white knuckler as that is when I always run errands. And my last stop before home is the drive thru. With JUST a six pack. So then I will be more able to decipher the voice program. Of course I am aware of a lot of things I tell myself. Those are a bit more easier to recognize. I know there are things in there that I am not aware of.

I used to have this horrible program running thru my head. It constantly critiqued people & it drove me nuts. It made me mad also because I was always the victim. (I had a major victim mentality & still do to some degree) It ran on auto pilot.

I then started recognizing it...like say for instance...the program is running, it is saying such & such & such. I wouldn't do anything about it beyond bringing it to my awareness. And it left. If it returns, as it does occasionally (but not often) then I just recognize it again & it leaves me alone.

As little as I have read thus far about Rational recovery, this goes along the same lines a bit.

After I make it thru the week, I am going to have to have a plan for the weekend. My boyfriend is a big drinker. He doesn't drink thru the week anymore, but Saturday & Sunday he puts them down. So, I'm thinking Saturday will be the big issue for me.

Already I am hearing that silly program...it's whining like a baby saying why can't you just drink on the weekend (sniff sniff sob)....well maybe it's because I DON"T DRINK!!!

Gawd only knows what kind of crap it will come up with. They'll be temper tantrums galore I bet!

I did love the bullets & the thought of torturing the little shit.