Down and out, not giving up but need help

[Andrew_CN]

Hi All

This is my first post to the forum - it may be longer than intended - I like to write - ..but it may help me to just get moving. I have read so many inspirational stories and thoughts and today I was reading the earlier post by NewOne and some other members andso much sounds so familiar that I broke down and cried when reading, and then decided to get off my lazy rear end and try to write something as well. I'm crying now, so please bear with my typing.

Through alcohol I have lost my job, my family and my home and have reached the point where if I don't stop the alcohol, I may lose what little I have left. By the way, let me say that I am a westerner who has lived in China for many years and so a lot of the social safety nets / counselling etc are very different from the us.

I don't know why I started drinking 7 years ago, I went from being a non-drinker to a bottle of vodka a day drinker. As I started drinking more, I ended up being fired from work - partly because I would answer emails and voicemails at night and say what I really thought (yeah, not the best political move right)? I hid why I lost my job from my wife and young daughter. I hid the drinking from them of course (bottle hiding etc).

I got another job and then lost that one due to alcohol. My wife finally left me. It was my fault because I pushed her away because of the alcohol. She took my daughter with her and moved herself (and most of our possessions) to America. So now I have very little chance of seeing my little girl grow up in a different country - and you can imagine what the communications situation with my exwife is like.

I couldn't find another job since alcohol was / is consuming me. No job = no money = no way to pay for housing, support for my child etc. So I lost my home as well. No unemployment benefits in China.

So at the end of 2011 I had no home, no job, family gone and I dove deeper into the bottle. In the space of a few years I had gone from having a 6 figure income to being just another bum feeling sorry for himself. Humbling - but I was the one that self-destructed my life and those around me because of my alcoholism.

I shuttled around between friends for a little bit then miraculously I had a glimmer of sunshine when I found a girlfriend and I was able to move in with her. I have hidden my drinking from her - she drinks only a little. I don't want to lose her through alcohol as well - but I know I will of course if I don't stop, since I can be very emotional when drinking and if I was her, I would eventually get tired of all the mood swings that AL brings.

I drink constantly...I can't find the energy to do anything really. I don't really have hangovers..maybe cos I am never really sober. I wake up early with rapid heartbeats, cold sweats every night...and eventually by 10 am I have had a few shots and I feel 'better'.....

I have virtually no savings left anymore after out of work for a year..maybe I'll be forced to stop due to lack of money (haha)..But there is no way to get a job now unless I sober up. And of course I need to earn money again to pay child support etc. But I fall into the trap of its too easy to just say I'll stop tomorrow.

I am now cutting down to try and stop and have gone from 1 1/2 bottles of vodka a day to 3/4 a day..but I need to make the leap to stop altogether.

Since I no longer can afford most things, my girlfriend gave me a present to go to america to see my parents and hopefully my daughter for a few days at Christmas. I must be sober then. I haven't seen my parents or my little 9 year old girl for so long now and it will be emotional enough without alcohol - and I definitely dont want to be drunk when I see my daughter - I don't want her (or me) to remember Daddy being drunk.

I'm going to try a day 1 a/f next week...kinda scared of the date coming up, but I will keep trying.

Anyone who has read all this way through my ramblings..thank you for reading and I hope to hear from those who can reach out and help me.

Andrew

[kuya]

Down and out, not giving up but need help

Hi Andrew. And welcome to MWO.

Firstly I am not sure if you should taper down a bit first. I drank a half bottle a day and quit cold turkey and was fine but everyone is different and you have been drinking more.

You have access to a doctor I presume? Some help for the first days maybe.

There are tips and advice in 'the toolbox' and most people join the newbies nest to begin with when wanting to quit.

This is an awesome supportive community and just what you need to beat this.

KY

[Andrew_CN]

Down and out, not giving up but need help

Thank you Kuya. I don't know about tapering down and when I should just stop....I have managed to reduce a bit as mentioned, but not sure when the time is just to stop.

Where I live it is possible to get access to a doctor of course, but since I don't have private health insurance, in this country that could take a while for 'non-urgent' matters and may not be that helpful in the long run....

I appreciate your thoughts and I will try the toolbox and see what I can find...and I won't give up yet.

thank you,
Andrew

[kuya]

Down and out, not giving up but need help

Don't give up at all.......this is doable, believe me!

[K9Lover]

Down and out, not giving up but need help

Hi Andrew!

I read all the way through your post, and I'm sorry for the troubles you've had. Alcohol is a Beast that will rob us of life if we let it (as you've seen). BUT...there is hope. I was drinking 12+ beers per night for over 10 years. I had 2 DUI's, and while I never lost my job or home, my daughter was being affected in ways I didn't realize. One night she finally wrote me a letter telling me how scared she was for my life. She'd been having dreams that I went to the doctor and had liver disease and lung cancer. No 12 year old (at the time) should have to worry about that! Seeing her so distressed is what finally triggered my final "quit" (because I'd had many attempts previously). IF you can get to the doctor, that would probably be the best way, they can prescribe you medication for the first few days of your quit. But many people have beat this without any medication. Please stick around, read and post...you'll find lots of experience around here.

I look forward to getting to know you!

K9

[Lasha]

Down and out, not giving up but need help

Hi Andrew,

I know where you're coming from it's amazing how alcohol consumption can creep up and bang you're a wreck.

I've had a drinking councillor help me taper down and believe me it's the best way. I was on 2 litre's of cider and 2 btls of wine a day, now down to 1 btl of wine and am going to give up the wine and just have 2 small btls of cider.

Go down week by week over 2 months and don't beat yourself up, if I can reduce anyone can.

[NewOne]

Down and out, not giving up but need help

Hi! I read it all. ;-D

Stay right here & type if you don't know what else to do. That's about all the advice I have because everybody is going to approach this thing differently.

Here is an idea. Start filling your bottle up with water. If you drink 3/4's today, refill the 1/4 with water. Stop for the night & go to bed. Then drink 3/4's the next day. Refill 1/4 again. Keep doing that until the bottle is gone, which will be never because you will always be filling it up.

[Mick]

Down and out, not giving up but need help

Andrew....stick with it..sometimes it will feel crap..but you will get there

[FreeFly]

Down and out, not giving up but need help

Hi Andrew, heartbreaking story. I hope you stick around and find Your Way Out. Like Kuya said, it's definitely possible. Well done on taking the step to post here. Sending you one of these :l

[bettygirl]

Down and out, not giving up but need help

andrew, is there any way you could stay in the states when you visit? it sounds like you need a lot of help, and you yourself said there isn;t much in the way of it where you are. it might sound like a shitty thing to do, but your life might depend on it. you are going through withdrawals when you wake up, that means you are physically addicted and stopping could be dangerous. you might have dt's or seizures, your heart could become arhythmic...any number of things. if there is no help or support where you are, why stay there? this disease is a killer, and it sounds like you are in a desperate place. you are worth fighting for,even if you might feel bad about what has transpired from your drinking in the past. you deserve help and health and sanity.

you can always go back to china after you get help.

in peace

[Dave_]

Down and out, not giving up but need help

Hi Andrew,
Well done on standing up to fight. Not everyone does and if you don't get this under control it will kill you. The body is an amazing thing but it will only process so much poison for so long before stuff starts to go very wrong.

You have massive challenges ahead but you also have heart so you will be able to do this. You need to bring your consumption down to about 1/4 bottle a day before you can risk stopping all together and you have to be very mindful of withdrawal symptoms. Some can be very dangerous but for the vast majority of very heavy drinkers they just suck ass big time but are not dangerous.

I have had my own love/ hate relationship with vodka and when I read your post my stomach turned at the thought of drinking the crap, not because of the taste but because of the days after and the days after that, the aftermath is what I can no longer tolerate.

When you come through this you will be a stronger, clearer, more capable and a happier human being and you will have survived a great challenge in your life. This board is littered with stories of people who did not make it and I have sat at this keyboard many times over the last 2 years and shed tears for people I have never met as they decended further into hell and sometimes death. It happens a lot to people with our problem. Then there are the many stories of those who have triumphed in the face of adversity and have shaken the demon from their back and they have charged ahead to create new lives and new ways to exists and thrive in this world.

These people are the true champions and many of them stay here to help even more people free themselves from a life and early death from addiction. Every single person who comes out the other side does it in their own unique and individual way. You will find no two stories are the same.

I come here every day, although I don't always post, but I come here because this site represents hope and a better life. It's pages are filled with hope, love, victory and determination. You can succeed and you can regain your life and you can be happy. You are capable of having all of these things and so , so much more. Or, if you choose, you can go the other way and those stories are also documented here.

Andrew, in time, I hope to find you here giving hope and advice to others as you create your new life for yourself but it's your choice.

Good Luck

[Byrdlady]

Down and out, not giving up but need help

Hey Andrew...I quit cold turkey, too. I found that one drink only leads to another...I was just obsessive about and kept pushing the limits to MORE instead of less. I found that the night sweats STOPPED after the first day...I was stunned...I thought they were caused by NOT drinking ...but it turns out the AL caused them! The first couple/three days are the hardest, but you can do it. Like the others said, find the Tool Box (link is in my signature line below) and surround yourself with things you love to do and eat. Get all the AL out of the house! ALL OF IT. No, you do not need a safety net because you are going to win! That first night is a doozy, go to bed early if you have to, just get Day 1 down and worry about Day 2 on Day 2! Hop on over to the Newbies Nest, we have folks there in all stages of his/her quit...If you are serious about getting this monkey off your back, we can help!! If I can do it, I know you can, too! Welcome! Byrdie

[nurdl]

Down and out, not giving up but need help

Andrew welcome. That was very brave posting so honestly and a very good first step. Keep tapering down. It's not going to be easy but you'll have loads of help here. It seems as if there is someone up and posting at all hours. Keep writing and asking for help. We are here.
~nurdl

[Alcoholic]

Down and out, not giving up but need help

Hi, Andrew:

since you are in china, get some kudzu there and l glutamine if you can find some. Eastern med works wonders.... The Chinese have used kudzu for many years to help w alcoholism before the westerners. If you find a Chinese practitioner who treat alcoholism, let us know what they recommend. I'm very interested in traditional Chinese medicine.
But if you decide to do it on your own, just be very careful. It's always best to do detox by doctors. Otherwise, base it on your physical symptoms, and taper slowly.

Good luck and stick around. Lots of good info here and I hope you find your way out!

[Andrew_CN]

Down and out, not giving up but need help

First of all a big thank you to everyone for the warm welcome and advice, so very helpful indeed - means so very much to me

I am an at home, (all)day drinker so some of the things I have read about changing your environment and routine I will see what I can do about it. I don't own a car (probably a good thing too), but there is no reason I can't get out every day and go for walks - just my lack of self-discipline to do so.

I have no energy or motivation really, but I also read a post that also is so true that most of the negativity and lack of desire comes from the alcohol, I can see that. I also go through the crazy drinking because I am ashamed of drinking routine that was also mentioned.

I will continue to taper down a little bit every day, and I am feeling some of the withdrawal symptoms come on, but am going slowly with it, but I am determined to go for day 1 next Tuesday, when I am down a bit more. I know I can't avoid the withdrawal but I see a lot of great advice on how to get through those first few days.

It is is late afternoon now, and out of a full bottle this morning I have managed to keep it to a bit over a quarter gone so far, but I know tonight will be a challenge. I just want to make sure I go to bed with more than a quarter left. I have the mild jitters /shakes and the sweating is lousy, but can deal with it at the moment. I know I gotta be determined.

At least it's winter so I don't sweat from the heat now, though I know I don't look well, especially when I am on the metro visibly sweating away and everyone else is in thick winter clothing!

I have reached out to the local aa as a start as well, and I am going to see my Chinese doctor about anything to calm me down - though I guess it isn't like he doesn't already know really.

Thank you so much for reaching out and helping me feel not so alone in this. It is scary to face alone but I don't feel so alone anymore.

ANdrew