I have always said to others including counselors and family that my drinking is my escape mechanism. I can go outside with a glass of wine, a good book, and a ciggy and get lost...transported to another time and place where I can safely explore my emotions through the characters in whatever book I am reading.
This is not the first time I have tried to quit. However, my last bought of sobriety was 6 months and instead of using alcohol I drank a ton of coffee, something like 8 shots a day in lattes while I sat outside, read my book, smoked my cigarettes and escaped not only from the current living situation but from my past and pain.
I realized finally that if I truly want to have a handle on my drinking, whether I choose to abstain, or try moderation, I must STOP running from the emotional pain and problems if I ever want to be successful. Therefore the past three days of being AF I have had more PTSD episodes than in 6 months, when I resumed drinking again. For me, alcohol use is a symptom; I am sure I have some dependence since I have been drinking so long, but the last time I quit I did immediately with no problems as long as I could still have something to drink that replaced the alcohol. So in the end I gave my liver a break but I was still escaping for 3 to 4 hours a day with a different substance.
I have to face the trauma and come to terms with it to be able to lay alcohol in its rightful grave. An idea for a pair of paintings came to me today as I was processing all this. Once I finish it I will try to upload it. One for the horror, despair, and guilt of being yolked to this thing and everything that goes with it, and the other for the return to life after we conquer not only our addictions and our old patterns, but also our emotional scars and wounds that our holding us back. :thanks: for listening
This is not the first time I have tried to quit. However, my last bought of sobriety was 6 months and instead of using alcohol I drank a ton of coffee, something like 8 shots a day in lattes while I sat outside, read my book, smoked my cigarettes and escaped not only from the current living situation but from my past and pain.
I realized finally that if I truly want to have a handle on my drinking, whether I choose to abstain, or try moderation, I must STOP running from the emotional pain and problems if I ever want to be successful. Therefore the past three days of being AF I have had more PTSD episodes than in 6 months, when I resumed drinking again. For me, alcohol use is a symptom; I am sure I have some dependence since I have been drinking so long, but the last time I quit I did immediately with no problems as long as I could still have something to drink that replaced the alcohol. So in the end I gave my liver a break but I was still escaping for 3 to 4 hours a day with a different substance.
I have to face the trauma and come to terms with it to be able to lay alcohol in its rightful grave. An idea for a pair of paintings came to me today as I was processing all this. Once I finish it I will try to upload it. One for the horror, despair, and guilt of being yolked to this thing and everything that goes with it, and the other for the return to life after we conquer not only our addictions and our old patterns, but also our emotional scars and wounds that our holding us back. :thanks: for listening
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