I'm a 46 yro male, married to a wonderful woman, I have 4 young children and I have been alcohol free for 4 days.
My drinking began in my mid teens with the occasional binge and the weekends spent pounding beers with friends, late nights, saturday morning hangovers etc. By age 20 I was a regular drinker not the hard stuff just lots of beer lots of beer. College years didn't help my habit as I spent many mornings fighting my way through classes with a fat head and reeking of the previous nights partying. I some how made it through college and found a good job.
At the time I was single and nobody really cared if I spent the night out at the local bars till closing, half the time blacked out, not remembering how I got home or what I did the night before. Honestly I'm not sure I really cared, I'm sure I had quilt but I quickly put it to rest by the next night with my favorite anxiety medication Miller Lite.
At 27 I married a woman that I'm not sure I loved the way your suppose to love to commit to a lifetime of marriage. My drinking continued, I functioned well at work even though I had many mornings of cotton mouth and headaches. I had 3 children with my first wife, I masked a lot of our dis-functional relationship with happy hours and early evening drinking once the kids were in bed.
I got in my share of trouble with my first wife, occasional late night drunk fest, with me partying at the bar till late night with lord knows who. She would get very upset with me and we would fight and I'd try to improve but never really did. My kids were 4, 2, and 1 when my first wife met another man and decided to leave me. My drinking was certainly a factor in her leaving but there where many reasons both her's and mine that the marriage failed.
The pain of divorce and challenge of raising 3 young children if only half the time brought my drinking to a new level. I spent most of the next 6 months on a almost steady binge, I never drank or was under the influence when I drove my kids but I was pretty much in the bag the rest of the time.
At the same time that I was struggling with booze and heartbreak my other life, my career, was thriving. I had started a business several years earlier and we were doing very well. Hard to believe with my behavior, guess I was a very functional alcoholic.
I met my current wife ironically at a bar when I was almost at black out stage. She and another friend of mine drive my drunk @$$ home. I ended up marrying her a couple years later and we had a great little boy who is now 5yro.
Through the years with her I have continued my poor behavior. She has been very upset with me on many occasions and I can't blame her, she should of probably kicked me out long ago. I've vowed to cut back, quit for a while, learn to control myself so many times. Usually with in a week or 2 I'm back to my old ways.
This Friday night I think I finally hit rock bottom at least for me. For many months I have started to worry that my drinking has gotten worse and I have noticed I have been trying to hide it. Lots of gum for the breath excuses to spend time at the bar for long lunches, drinking vodka drinks cause they look like regular drink ice tea when on the bar. In the mornings I would have bad anxiety and depression although I rarely had a true hangover. I guess my guilt was starting to catch up with me and the alcohol was no longer my helpful friend it was becoming my biggest enemy.
Back to Friday, I went to a party at a local bar without my wife where free drinks were being severed to a group of us. The people at the party were all heavy drinkers and the beers and shots were going down real fast. My blackout started sometime around 11pm and I arrived home via taxi around 2:45am.
My wife really wasn't has hard on me as I have been on myself. Even though nothing really really bad happened, at least that I can remember, I am still very ashamed of myself. Saturday was a hard day, I beat myself up pretty bad over my awful night. My guilt, shame, horror, embarrassment, etc etc etc has overwhelmed me.
I knew I had to do something for myself to change, a real change not just a week or 2 on the wagon till my conscience eases, a real change. I got on-line and found this website read some stories, I've done all of this before they are helpful but I needed more. I then decided to call a friend of mine who has been a recovering alcoholic for some 30yrs. She suggested I go to AA with her. I went on Monday. I will be going to another meeting on Thurs morning. I have a dr appt today to look into an anti anxiety med maybe Paxil. Going to counseling on Monday and have taken off wok for a couple weeks to help me get away from some of the people that help me drink and spend time at the bar.
By the grace of God I have never gotten a DWI or injured or killed anyone while drunk driving. I'm am sure my day is coming.
I don't really crave the AL but I have no doubt quitting completely forever and ever will be very very hard and I am trying every possible thing I can to make this work for me this time. It truly is one day at a time. I hope that in the months to come I will feel better not only physically but spiritually and emotionally. I hope I'm a better father and husband. The only mistakes I've made in life have been related to my AL addiction, can't wait to make it to the other side.
My drinking began in my mid teens with the occasional binge and the weekends spent pounding beers with friends, late nights, saturday morning hangovers etc. By age 20 I was a regular drinker not the hard stuff just lots of beer lots of beer. College years didn't help my habit as I spent many mornings fighting my way through classes with a fat head and reeking of the previous nights partying. I some how made it through college and found a good job.
At the time I was single and nobody really cared if I spent the night out at the local bars till closing, half the time blacked out, not remembering how I got home or what I did the night before. Honestly I'm not sure I really cared, I'm sure I had quilt but I quickly put it to rest by the next night with my favorite anxiety medication Miller Lite.
At 27 I married a woman that I'm not sure I loved the way your suppose to love to commit to a lifetime of marriage. My drinking continued, I functioned well at work even though I had many mornings of cotton mouth and headaches. I had 3 children with my first wife, I masked a lot of our dis-functional relationship with happy hours and early evening drinking once the kids were in bed.
I got in my share of trouble with my first wife, occasional late night drunk fest, with me partying at the bar till late night with lord knows who. She would get very upset with me and we would fight and I'd try to improve but never really did. My kids were 4, 2, and 1 when my first wife met another man and decided to leave me. My drinking was certainly a factor in her leaving but there where many reasons both her's and mine that the marriage failed.
The pain of divorce and challenge of raising 3 young children if only half the time brought my drinking to a new level. I spent most of the next 6 months on a almost steady binge, I never drank or was under the influence when I drove my kids but I was pretty much in the bag the rest of the time.
At the same time that I was struggling with booze and heartbreak my other life, my career, was thriving. I had started a business several years earlier and we were doing very well. Hard to believe with my behavior, guess I was a very functional alcoholic.
I met my current wife ironically at a bar when I was almost at black out stage. She and another friend of mine drive my drunk @$$ home. I ended up marrying her a couple years later and we had a great little boy who is now 5yro.
Through the years with her I have continued my poor behavior. She has been very upset with me on many occasions and I can't blame her, she should of probably kicked me out long ago. I've vowed to cut back, quit for a while, learn to control myself so many times. Usually with in a week or 2 I'm back to my old ways.
This Friday night I think I finally hit rock bottom at least for me. For many months I have started to worry that my drinking has gotten worse and I have noticed I have been trying to hide it. Lots of gum for the breath excuses to spend time at the bar for long lunches, drinking vodka drinks cause they look like regular drink ice tea when on the bar. In the mornings I would have bad anxiety and depression although I rarely had a true hangover. I guess my guilt was starting to catch up with me and the alcohol was no longer my helpful friend it was becoming my biggest enemy.
Back to Friday, I went to a party at a local bar without my wife where free drinks were being severed to a group of us. The people at the party were all heavy drinkers and the beers and shots were going down real fast. My blackout started sometime around 11pm and I arrived home via taxi around 2:45am.
My wife really wasn't has hard on me as I have been on myself. Even though nothing really really bad happened, at least that I can remember, I am still very ashamed of myself. Saturday was a hard day, I beat myself up pretty bad over my awful night. My guilt, shame, horror, embarrassment, etc etc etc has overwhelmed me.
I knew I had to do something for myself to change, a real change not just a week or 2 on the wagon till my conscience eases, a real change. I got on-line and found this website read some stories, I've done all of this before they are helpful but I needed more. I then decided to call a friend of mine who has been a recovering alcoholic for some 30yrs. She suggested I go to AA with her. I went on Monday. I will be going to another meeting on Thurs morning. I have a dr appt today to look into an anti anxiety med maybe Paxil. Going to counseling on Monday and have taken off wok for a couple weeks to help me get away from some of the people that help me drink and spend time at the bar.
By the grace of God I have never gotten a DWI or injured or killed anyone while drunk driving. I'm am sure my day is coming.
I don't really crave the AL but I have no doubt quitting completely forever and ever will be very very hard and I am trying every possible thing I can to make this work for me this time. It truly is one day at a time. I hope that in the months to come I will feel better not only physically but spiritually and emotionally. I hope I'm a better father and husband. The only mistakes I've made in life have been related to my AL addiction, can't wait to make it to the other side.
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