Being alone with yourself...embrace it!

[Slaythefear]

I've noted over time here on MWO the fear of being alone or outside of what social conditioning teaches people in society. I decided maybe a thread concerning the issue would be of value to some people. I learned 'some' of this after getting out of an 18 year abusive marriage, and I am now reviewing a bit because of a current change in my life. I love solitude, and I like my own company, but I know some here may be struggling with the issue for the first time or maybe just need some reminding and support. Feeling alone and not knowing how to handle it can be a trigger for turning to the bottle. So bypass the alcohol and embrace what you can find in solitude.

I posted this on RC's shook thread, but I want to start off this thread with a video and a couple quotes.

How To Be Alone (video):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs[/video]]How To Be Alone - YouTube

Quotes:

"When you are alone you are not alone, you are simply lonely and there is a tremendous difference between loneliness and aloneness. When you are lonely you are thinking of the other, you are missing the other. Loneliness is a negative state. You are feeling that it would have been better if the other were there, your friend, your wife, your mother, your beloved, your husband. It would have been good if the other were there, but the other is not. Loneliness is absence of the other. Aloneness is the presence of oneself. Aloneness is very positive. It is a presence, overflowing presence. You are so full of presence that you can fill the whole universe with your presence and there is no need for anybody."

"Being alone is always better, than being with someone who makes you feel alone."

"Solitude is often the best society."

"Solitude is such a potential thing. We hear voices in solitude we never hear in the hurry and turmoil of life: we receive counsels and comforts we get under no other conditions."

"Being solitary is being alone well: being alone luxuriously immersed in doings of your own choice, aware of the fullness of your won presence rather than of the absence of others. Because solitude is an achievement."

"It is better to travel alone than with a bad companion."

"Solitude is strength; to depend on the presence of the crowd is weakness. The man who needs a mob to nerve him is much more alone than he imagines."

I thought of Kuya's words with this one: "Solitude is painful when one is young but delightful when one is more mature." ~Albert Einstein~ (We are in good company. )

[Slaythefear]

Being alone with yourself...embrace it!

For anyone who is surviving a breakup or relationship issues that look very bleak. Even our relationship with AL...our go to buddy.

The end of a relationship can bring pain in so many ways. We can hurt in places we didn't even know existed. Mostly, though, this pain stems from the fact that we had invested so much in the other. Losing the relationship, then, feels like losing a part of ourselves.

That's exactly what we have to do, then, to get our lives back on track in the aftermath of a breakup: recover that lost part. The reason why we can set ourselves up for such a fall is that we tend to believe that love is a commodity that exists out there. Love is seen as something that someone else can give or deny us, but we seldom stop to think that maybe it exists inside of us after all. So we're constantly searching around in the world to find something that we're already carrying.

That's why a breakup can do such damage to our sense of self-worth, too. The relationship we had with a partner might have been an experience that simply ran its course, but we see its ending as a disaster because we equated our own worth with the success of the partnership. The only way out of this vicious cycle that can continually bring us grief is to learn to shift our focus. We need to see ourselves, and not anyone else, as the source of our own happiness.

The pain that we feel after the fact can teach us how to do this. We have no choice but to move on; and in doing so, we just might discover that we're all right alone. Jumping into a relationship with the next person to come along with probably only hurt us again. But if we take the time to learn from our aloneness, we have a chance to feel that we're complete in ourselves. We don't need someone else in our lives to make us happy, because we'll know that we're the creators of our own happiness.

One of the best ways to get passed the grief and start living again is to remember the things we enjoyed doing before the relationship happened. Any partnership inevitably involves compromises, and there may be dreams or pursuits that we'd been obliged to put on the shelf for a while. Now is a good time to get back into doing those things, so we can feel a certain personal satisfaction that's not contingent upon anyone else. Of course, keeping occupied will take our minds off of that feeling of loss, too.

And of course, we don't have to be completely alone. There might be people with whom we'd not connected in ages, because the relationship was consuming so much time and energy. Now we have space to do some catching up. Before long, we may be so occupied with new/old friends and experiences that we're hardly thinking about what we lost. Maybe it won't feel like we've lost anything at all; we've simply moved on.

Surviving a Breakup: Feeling like It's O.K. To Be Alone - Yahoo! Voices - voices.yahoo.com

[looking for peace]

Being alone with yourself...embrace it!

Love this. Thanks so much for posting. Will come back to them several times.

[Slaythefear]

Being alone with yourself...embrace it!

looking for peace;1425767 wrote: Love this. Thanks so much for posting. Will come back to them several times.

:lI will add things as I find them that I think are useful.

Love,

Slay

[Slaythefear]

Being alone with yourself...embrace it!

Something to ponder...

Zap Oracle Card #242 - ? Jonathan Zap
Lonely Inner Child

Loneliness can be circumstantial, but it can also be a mind set, a false belief that we are alone in our minds/psyches. This is an artificial capsule we create around ourselves, when actually, like the boy in the photo, we are never alone.

Often it is better to endure loneliness than to be part of a faceless crowd. The path of individuation can feel isolating,but some relative seclusion can be extremely developmental, giving you the space to discover and unfold your individuality. It is true that the more you work on yourself the fewer will be the people you can relate to as full equals. Don?t fall into self pity or victimhood about this. No person is an island, we are all floating in the same ocean of consciousness. The path of individuation may sometimes be lonely, but being lost in a crowd of acquaintances is also lonely and worse in all sorts of ways. Follow your individual path, accept the partial isolation and you may discover that it leads you to spiritual allies following their own individual paths to a place where many paths and errands meet.

Though you may not feel good about it, it is possible that this card may indicate a propitious time for solitude. Solitude and togetherness with others are two of the main variables that our lives need to fluctuate between. Many people under value the solitary side of the spectrum and experience it as a privation and hardship. We are social mammals and research by Seligman and others has shown that people universally report being happier when other people are around. In solitude, many people become more subject to psychic entropy ? a chaotic state of negative thought loops and emotions. Most psychopathology ? eating disorder behavior, for example, happens in solitude which is also where people contemplate suicide, etc. Even people who say they prefer solitude report being happier when in the company of others. But what makes us happier in the short run is not always what we need for our development or to do our most important work. Sometimes I may bring my laptop to coffee shops and work on various tasks there. The presence of other people, even though I rarely relate to them, is a social stimulant, like a cup of espresso, part of my brain lights up as I recognize different human types and over hear fragments of conversation. But like espresso, this stimulation can also be an unproductive addiction, and the focus on my work may be lessened by the presence of distractions, caffeinated bursts of social chatter, cell phones and a whole mosaic of irrelevant perceptions. In solitude I am more powerful, more of my inner resources are available to focus on what I need them to focus on rather than the inevitable fragmentation of energy spent reacting to whatever happens to be occurring in the common space. It is in solitude that we concentrate whatever is in our cauldron. Individuality is largely the product of solitude. Solitude is where most of the high level creativity happens, the breakthroughs, the life-changing realizations, and yes, the dark nights of the soul, which are so necessary for our spiritual development. As Jung says,

?Every advance in culture is, psychologically, an extension of consciousness, a coming to consciousness that can take place only through discrimination. Therefore an advance always begins with individuation, that is to say with the individual, conscious of his isolation, cutting a new path through hitherto untrodden territory. To do this he must first return to the fundamental facts of his own being, irrespective of all authority and tradition, and allow himself to become conscious of his distinctiveness. If he succeeds in giving collective validity to his widened consciousness, he creates a tension of opposites that provides the stimulation which culture needs for its further progress.?

[moni]

Being alone with yourself...embrace it!

Thank you. I needed something like this tonight. Was feeling very sorry for myself and even beginning to question my ability to keep up my AF life. While I generally enjoy my life of solitude, I also miss getting a nice warm cuddle when I'm feeling down. Tonight was one of those nights.

[Slaythefear]

Being alone with yourself...embrace it!

Moni, we all experience that feeling. We've been taught to feel that way or that need without question. Try to get in touch with that inner you outside of the physical you. It will last a lot longer than the escape you find in a bottle. Here's a :l. It's one in spirit. A couple nights ago, I took a big pillow and wrapped myself around it when I went to sleep. Surprisingly, it felt a bit comforting.

Love,

Slay

[Slaythefear]

Being alone with yourself...embrace it!

Found this valuable for anyone in a bad relationship

or break up. The mind argument sounds very similar to our AL breakup in many ways and you can even compare some of it to our relationship with our true self.



When Your Heart & Mind Disagree About The Break-Up

by Amelie Chance on November 2, 2012

You are sitting with your cell phone staring at a text message you wrote to your ex hours ago. You debate whether to send it or not. You stare at your phone while your mind tells you to have more respect for yourself. You logically understand that sending the message is not going to make the situation any better ? nor will it heal your pain. Then your heart enters the scene and overpowers your mind. Your heart says, ?Go ahead, send it, you will feel better?temporarily at least.?

The scenario above represents one example of a misalignment between your heart and your mind that is a common occurrence after a break up. Every decision you make is determined by a combination of your logic and emotion. If these different elements that make you who you are happen to conflict, you will understandably feel conflicted and make decisions that reflect this turmoil.

The concept of alignment will help you understand why you may have been in a relationship that was not good enough for you. It will also help you understand how to use your logic to help heal your broken heart. Let?s look at some more examples of what happens when your heart and mind disagree with one another.

Scenario 1 ? During the Relationship

Your mind says, ?I deserve more ? this relationship is not right.?
Your heart says, ?Stay, it will work out.?

If you were in a relationship where it was obvious that you were not receiving the love, respect, and engagement that you deserve, then your mind was probably nudging you during the relationship and asking you, ?Why are we still here?? You remained in that relationship for longer than you should have because your heart believed that your mate and relationship could change.

Your heart believed that it was better to be in a relationship that was mediocre than to be alone. Your heart was saying to you, ?Hey, give it a chance, it?s not that bad.? Your mind and heart were not aligned and this probably led to fighting, to an internal struggle, and eventually the break up. Often when we want more from a relationship than we are getting, we continually try to get ?more? by attempting to change the person we are with or by forcing other changes in the relationship. This is generally a destructive path.

Scenario 2 ? During the Relationship

Your heart says, ?This relationship is everything I need.?
Your mind says, ?There are red flags here that I shouldn?t ignore.?

When one partner in a relationship is not happy, they usually provide indications either verbally, in the form of passive-aggressive behavior, or via non-verbal actions of their discontent. If you are the other partner that is madly in love, you do actually receive the red flags as signals in your mind. Unfortunately, your heart overpowers your logic in this case. Your heart speaks so loudly about how in love you are and how perfect everything is, that you drown out the messages your mind has received.

Eventually, after the break up, it is easier to see the red flags were present in your relationship. You also may realize that some of the reason you were deeply attached to your ex was because you loved the idea of being in love. If you relate to this scenario, remember, you deserve a love with equal give and take. Reciprocity is essential to the success of a relationship and you should never have to convince someone to love you as much as you love them.

Scenario 3 ? After the Break Up
>Your mind says, ?I am going to be okay. In fact, before long, I?m going to feel like myself.?
Your heart says, ?The pain is excruciating, I don?t think I will ever feel at peace again.?

After your break up, if you sit quietly and listen to your inner voice, you will hear hope inside. This hope is telling you that you will feel better, that you will live life once again with passion, and that you will experience love once again. The information you are being sent from your mind is based on your history and the fact that you have overcome obstacles in the past. Your mind remembers the times where you have faced adversity and have come out on the other side stronger and brighter. Your heart is speaking out of fear; listen to your mind ? it has a strong basis for giving you hope.

Listen to words from friends, family, and counselors even if they do not feel like they are helping to heal your broken heart. Every single word helps. Listen to every word someone with experience has to tell you. Up until now, we haven?t discussed the subconscious mind. Positive messages to your subconscious mind can overpower negative ones from your heart. Everything you are reading and listening to about healing is entering your subconscious and will help you heal faster.

Above I have discussed the logical mind being overpowered by a somewhat illogical heart. Please note, the situation can certainly occur in reverse. Your heart may experience genuine love yet have seeds of doubt planted by an insecure mind. In either situation, if you are looking to heal your heartache from your current break up, please know it is possible.

[Slaythefear]

Being alone with yourself...embrace it!

If you want to enjoy being alone, first you will have to drop all the negative ideas people have given you about yourself. You have to start loving yourself and accepting yourself as you are. If you have been condemned so much in the past, naturally, how can you tolerate yourself? How can you enjoy your aloneness and live with yourself when you have been poisoned by the society from the start?

But know this, every child is born with tremendous love for himself. It is the society, the parents, the environment in which they are born that destroy that love. The child's love for him or herself has to be distracted. He or she have to be conditioned so that their love is always towards an object outside himself, it has to be hijacked and sacrificed for some stupid idea, such as perfectionism.

You have experienced a glimpse. I think that's good enough. Let this be like a seed that starts growing inside you and nourish it. This is your potential, you can learn to be in that state of acceptance and at-easeness your whole life. Then, all misery will disappear and you can finally start enjoying yourself and life again.

So the first step: LOVE YOURSELF.... This can become the foundation of a radical transformation. Don't be afraid of loving yourself. Love totally, and you will be surprised: the day you can get rid of all self-condemnation, self-disrespect, the day you can get rid of the ideas people have given you about yourself, the day you can think of yourself as worthy and loved by existence, will be a day of great blessing. From that day onwards you will start seeing yourself in your true light.

Second thing: drop the idea of perfectionism. The idea of perfection is the root cause of all neurosis. You have not been healthy because of the idea of perfection. You have suffered immensely, and unnecessarily. Erase this word perfection from your vocabulary. Perfectionism means that you reject yourself as you are. This is another way in which society poisons people. This will never allow you to relax, always keeping you in tension between what is and what ought to be. You can never be fulfilled, contented or satisfied. Drop this stupid idea and start living moment-to-moment accepting that life is imperfect. It is an endless evolution. Always opening new doors, new possibilities and new challenges. But it never reaches a perfection. That's part of the beauty and part of the adventure. Learn to enjoy it and take it as a gift, don't turn it into a curse against yourself.

Lastly, once you learn to love yourself, accept yourself and drop all condemnation and ideas of perfectionism, you can finally learn to enjoy your aloneness. Start looking into meditation. It will help you go deeper into your true self. Meditation can give you psychological freedom. This freedom which is far more important than moving away. You can be as free as it's possible to be without going anywhere. The real prisons are of the mind. Meditation can help you find love for yourself and freedom, both of which are essential to your happiness. Don't let anyone take them away from you. They are your birthright.

[Slaythefear]

Being alone with yourself...embrace it!

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[almost free]

Being alone with yourself...embrace it!

Oh Slay,

How much I'm going to miss your words of wisdom, all the things you have learned and shared with all of us. You have helped so many of us, you will never know how treasured all of your posts have been. And your advice.

I am not good with a computer, but I tried to PM you a while ago,(my first PM attempt) when I stumbled on your post about moving on and not posting to MWO so much . Don't know if you got it or not.

My gosh, you have been a full time therapist for MWO. It has no doubt been very time consuming and exhausting for you. Thank you so much for your contribution to all of our well being. I hope you check in and let us know how you are doing.

Many hugs to you!