Hi everyone,
Warning? I didn?t intend for this post to be as long as it wound up being? It?s mostly a big vent, so feel free to skim the first parts if you like?the real stuff is at the bottom!)
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ok... now that I actually made the decision to face the fact that my drinking is getting WAY out of control, I have no idea what to actually say about it. Where to start? I guess I should say that I have been a big fan of drinking since my college years, but it's only been in the past year (especially the last 6 mos) that things have gotten a little frightening. Case in point...although I drink a lot fairly often, I rarely drink to the point where I black out. However, in the last week, I've done so twice...once after a good friend's wedding (which I chalked up to celebrating with friends I haven't seen in ages) and once this past Monday - when I was drinking for no real reason except to take the "edge" off of house cleaning. The thing that brought me here is that Tuesday Morning, I woke up in our guest room (rather than my bed room) without a CLUE in the world how I got there. I spoke to my bf, and evidently I just got really pissed off and left the room - no real reason. I don't even know when it happened or what could have triggered it. I remember most of the night...right up to flossing my teeth before bed, then NOTHING. That's when I decided something was obviously VERY wrong.
Although my bf was very forgiving (saying not to worry b/c I was drunk & don't remember) it got me thinking about why I would have gotten so pissed so quickly. Even though I was suffering a monster hangover, I decided a little retail therapy was in order so I headed to the Mall to spend a gift certificate I?ve been holding on to for a while. It was GEORGOUS in DC yesterday, and I was reminded of a day YEARS ago when I was still an undergrad when I would have been able to call up a few friends, convince them to go ?do something? with me. Didn?t matter what - just friends, sunshine, and being able to talk. I realized then how far I?ve ?fallen? from those days?and how much of this has happened in the last 8 months or so. Very long story short, I FINALLY finished grad school last May. The way things were SUPPOSED to work is that I graduate, start my year long post-doc position, use that year to find a real job, get engaged (throughout grad school the thing had always been?when you graduate we?ll get engaged b/c working full tome, trying to finish my research, AND plan a wedding would be a nightmare), and start on my ?grown-up life?.
Well, basically NONE of that worked out. I did graduate, but there were last minute budget cuts, so the position I had lined up fell through (so no post-doc). I thought I had a job, so I hadn?t had anything else lined up. No engagement ring appeared (something about my bf & my dad not getting along, but I can?t get a straight answer from anyone about that). Basically, after 8 years of hard work, nothing happened. Funny, but it was right around then that my drinking picked up (go figure), eating habits went down, gained LOTS of weight, basically lost sight of all I used to enjoy about me
Wow ? this is getting long, so I?ll wrap things up asap?
The reason I?m sharing all of this is that I am very sick of being where I am in life. I am depressed and pissed off all the time without really realizing it. I try to stay positive, and for the most part I succeed (I know there?s no way this situation will last forever, I have enough savings that I don?t have any real financial worries in the near-ish future, I have good friends, a bf who loves me, etc.) All the makings of a great life ? but the problem is that knowing it and believing it are two different things... and while I know it in my head, I have this ugly, sinking, smothering feeling lurking around as well.
So, here?s my theory. I have to start ?fixing? things somewhere - and get back to the person who's spirit was light enought to just take the time to enjoy a beautiful day no matter what else is going on. Although I have a few potential jobs, and more to apply for, there?s not a Hell of a lot I can do about that other than keep trying. Weight takes forever to lose, as does a crappy outlook on life. On the other hand, taking an obvious and evident step of cutting alcohol out of my life is something I can see and feel proud of everyday. My long term goal is moderation, but for now I think breaking the habit of drowning things in a bottle has to stop entirely?so no alcohol for me for at least 30 days (with one acknowledged exception of St. Pattys Day, where I will set a drink limit and stick to that for the party we?re having).
I?m sorry if I?ve gone on for too long? I just wanted to ?talk? to someone and if I don?t write it down and put it out there I?ll probably chicken out or convince myself that things aren?t so bad, or whatever. I promise other posts will be shorter! Thanks for listening!
Noella
Warning? I didn?t intend for this post to be as long as it wound up being? It?s mostly a big vent, so feel free to skim the first parts if you like?the real stuff is at the bottom!)
-------------
ok... now that I actually made the decision to face the fact that my drinking is getting WAY out of control, I have no idea what to actually say about it. Where to start? I guess I should say that I have been a big fan of drinking since my college years, but it's only been in the past year (especially the last 6 mos) that things have gotten a little frightening. Case in point...although I drink a lot fairly often, I rarely drink to the point where I black out. However, in the last week, I've done so twice...once after a good friend's wedding (which I chalked up to celebrating with friends I haven't seen in ages) and once this past Monday - when I was drinking for no real reason except to take the "edge" off of house cleaning. The thing that brought me here is that Tuesday Morning, I woke up in our guest room (rather than my bed room) without a CLUE in the world how I got there. I spoke to my bf, and evidently I just got really pissed off and left the room - no real reason. I don't even know when it happened or what could have triggered it. I remember most of the night...right up to flossing my teeth before bed, then NOTHING. That's when I decided something was obviously VERY wrong.
Although my bf was very forgiving (saying not to worry b/c I was drunk & don't remember) it got me thinking about why I would have gotten so pissed so quickly. Even though I was suffering a monster hangover, I decided a little retail therapy was in order so I headed to the Mall to spend a gift certificate I?ve been holding on to for a while. It was GEORGOUS in DC yesterday, and I was reminded of a day YEARS ago when I was still an undergrad when I would have been able to call up a few friends, convince them to go ?do something? with me. Didn?t matter what - just friends, sunshine, and being able to talk. I realized then how far I?ve ?fallen? from those days?and how much of this has happened in the last 8 months or so. Very long story short, I FINALLY finished grad school last May. The way things were SUPPOSED to work is that I graduate, start my year long post-doc position, use that year to find a real job, get engaged (throughout grad school the thing had always been?when you graduate we?ll get engaged b/c working full tome, trying to finish my research, AND plan a wedding would be a nightmare), and start on my ?grown-up life?.
Well, basically NONE of that worked out. I did graduate, but there were last minute budget cuts, so the position I had lined up fell through (so no post-doc). I thought I had a job, so I hadn?t had anything else lined up. No engagement ring appeared (something about my bf & my dad not getting along, but I can?t get a straight answer from anyone about that). Basically, after 8 years of hard work, nothing happened. Funny, but it was right around then that my drinking picked up (go figure), eating habits went down, gained LOTS of weight, basically lost sight of all I used to enjoy about me
Wow ? this is getting long, so I?ll wrap things up asap?
The reason I?m sharing all of this is that I am very sick of being where I am in life. I am depressed and pissed off all the time without really realizing it. I try to stay positive, and for the most part I succeed (I know there?s no way this situation will last forever, I have enough savings that I don?t have any real financial worries in the near-ish future, I have good friends, a bf who loves me, etc.) All the makings of a great life ? but the problem is that knowing it and believing it are two different things... and while I know it in my head, I have this ugly, sinking, smothering feeling lurking around as well.
So, here?s my theory. I have to start ?fixing? things somewhere - and get back to the person who's spirit was light enought to just take the time to enjoy a beautiful day no matter what else is going on. Although I have a few potential jobs, and more to apply for, there?s not a Hell of a lot I can do about that other than keep trying. Weight takes forever to lose, as does a crappy outlook on life. On the other hand, taking an obvious and evident step of cutting alcohol out of my life is something I can see and feel proud of everyday. My long term goal is moderation, but for now I think breaking the habit of drowning things in a bottle has to stop entirely?so no alcohol for me for at least 30 days (with one acknowledged exception of St. Pattys Day, where I will set a drink limit and stick to that for the party we?re having).
I?m sorry if I?ve gone on for too long? I just wanted to ?talk? to someone and if I don?t write it down and put it out there I?ll probably chicken out or convince myself that things aren?t so bad, or whatever. I promise other posts will be shorter! Thanks for listening!
Noella
Control the Mind
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