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So, here it is.. my story.

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    So, here it is.. my story.

    I'd always been exposed to alcohol. It was part of my upbringing, part of our culture. It was however, never really in a good light. My parents argued about it a lot. I probably witnessed a lot of negativity around it but this didn't prevent me from future participation.
    My first experience with alcohol was negative. I was about 14 years of age. I came home to find my Mum was out of the house and went to the drink cabinet and helped myself to a cocktail of various spirits. My younger brother came home to find me intoxicated and filled me with cheap bubblegum to cover the smell. I made excuses to my parents that evening that I was feeling unwell, went to bed and duly vomited all over my bedroom.
    At 16, the teen drinking started. We would get somebody to buy us some alcohol and drink in fields, houses if parents were not there, the usual teen delinquency back in those days. I don't recall getting very drunk back then, perhaps I just didn't think I was.
    At 17 I lost my virginity to a much older guy. I was drunk. Looking back now, it was rape. I had said No several times. This would not be the last rape under the influence of alcohol. I never viewed them as rape, I always blamed myself to some extent for getting drunk and allowing the situation to happen.
    Fast forward, college - I was so much fun. The life and soul of the party. For the first time ever in my life, I was popular. I was high on it. I graduated (scraped through) and went into the workforce. Drinking was a weekend thing really at this point. I still considered myself lots of fun, I probably was. I was in a circle where it was the norm to go out and get drunk. I was in a relationship with somebody who drank far too much. This relationship broke down, I moved to the city and this is when I discovered wine. I didn't know anybody in the city apart from the guy I moved there to be with. He worked nights. Wine became my friend. Wine was convenient, didn't cost me much and a great crutch on those lonely nights. It started with red, just two glasses perhaps a night. Then the whole bottle. Red gave me terrible headaches so I tried white. Oh yes, white wine, I couldn't get enough of it.
    All through this I was going from one bad relationship with a guy to a worse relationship with the next. The guys went from bad to worse. On the front, they would come across as charming, fantastic, too good to be true (that's what they were). Several of them hid drug problems. My choice in men was appalling.

    I had one particularly bad relationship where I had moved countries to be with him. Within months of moving, I returned with most my savings gone and only half my belongings. I was low, the drinking got worse and this was the beginning of my downfall. It just seemed to all begin to fall apart in my life. I rushed home from work to drink. I struggled with life and any daily routine. Weekends were spent in bed, weekend evenings were spent drinking (on my own). During this time my mother almost died and this drove me to drink even more. I wasn't a daytime drinker and I didn't crave drink but I just couldn't stop when I started. I was now buying two bottles of wine at a time because I knew the first was not enough and I wanted more when I reached the end of that bottle. I was waking up some mornings on the sofa surrounded by bottles.

    Then my father was diagnosed with cancerous brain tumour. His prognosis was awful. It's hard to process news like this when your mind is clouded with alcohol. Trying to digest through a hangover, trying to reason through a bottle. I didn't stop drinking, I should have. a few months into my fathers illness I took an overdose. The hospital discharged me with some follow up care and I was told I was fine. I cut down on my drinking temporarily. In no time at all I was back to nightly bottles of wine while juggling the care of my parents. I didn't realise that one day I would have to face the harsh reality of all this so kept keeping my brain in a haze. My father died. In the run up to his death, I had cut back the drinking. I had been spending most evenings by his side and was at his side when he died. The night of his funeral my mother was taken into hospital. There began a number of weeks of absolute chaos where she was discharged, re-admitted, discharged.. no diagnosis. I found wine again. I wasn't coping. I was missing my father terribly but couldn't even think about it, I was trying to help my mother. I had given up work temporarily, I was in a tailspin. My mum suffered a brain haemorrage and died a week later making it just 2 months after my father had died. My world was collapsing around me. I was trying not to drink but at the same time I kept reaching for it. It helped block out what I didn't want to remember or think about.
    Fast forward a few months. October/November this year. My moods were getting lower and darker. I was trying to avoid alcohol and was having more days of none than days with it. Then for some reason, I came home from work one day. I was high, very high and have no idea why. A few days prior I had been very aggitated so had been avoiding alcohol. This particular day, I bought a bottle of wine and that evening drank it. When I awoke I was in a dimly lit room. A strange woman leaned over me and said 'Oh you're awake. Do you remember what you did'. I thought I was dreaming. I just stared at her and she said 'Your brother is on his way'. I had taken sleeping pills on top of the alcohol, deliberately. I had tried to kill myself. I was in intensive care and I had almost succeeded. I had forgotten I had changed my next of kin to my brother the previous year when my father was dying of cancer. I never even thought about the implications of him getting a call in the middle of the night that I was fighting for my life. I spent 3 days in hospital which gave me a lot of time to think. I was ashamed, staff knowing why I was there. Family now knowing. All the energy that had gone into hiding this for years, now just splattered like graffiti on a wall for all to see. Oh, the shame. On 16th November 2012, I made a conscious decision to never drink alcohol again if I intended staying alive. It's been just over a month since my last drink (which could very easily have been my last anyway had I succeeded with my overdose). My energy now has to go into rebuilding my life and try to learn to love and respect myself, somehow. I came from two great parents who worked hard to give me a good life, good education and good morals. It is time to put this to use.

    Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

    #2
    So, here it is.. my story.

    Moni.....you are a very brave and strong woman to be dealing with your drinking so soon after this grief. I commend you. Why don't you treat yourself to some grief counseling also......I know it is odd to say treat but when your emotional go to has been alcohol it will do wonders for your emotions to be heard in a safe way.

    You have done so very well....kept on trucking :h

    KY

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      #3
      So, here it is.. my story.

      kuya;1427725 wrote: Moni.....you are a very brave and strong woman to be dealing with your drinking so soon after this grief. I commend you. Why don't you treat yourself to some grief counseling also......I know it is odd to say treat but when your emotional go to has been alcohol it will do wonders for your emotions to be heard in a safe way.

      You have done so very well....kept on trucking :h

      KY
      Thanks Kuya. I am going for 'chats' in the hospital once a week since with a counsellor. I think it's alcohol counselling, I'm not even certain as they were vague when it was arranged. I have difficulty talking about my feelings in general so I'm hoping this will help me to open up at all to begin with. I do intend getting proper bereavement counselling in the new year. I had asked my GP to help with it prior to my overdose but nothing ever came of it.

      Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

      Comment


        #4
        So, here it is.. my story.

        Keep pushing Moni. Focusing on alcohol may fail to address the grieving which will leave you vulnerable in your recovery.

        Comment


          #5
          So, here it is.. my story.

          how very sad moni,losing both parents so close in time is devastating,im so glad you survived your suicide attempt how scary! it sounded like you didnt even know you were doing it,im proud of you for giving up the drink,but like kuya said some grief counseling is in order,my thoughts are with you,take care
          I have too much shit to do today and tomorrow to drink:sohappy:

          I'm taking care of the "tomorrow me":thumbsup:
          Drinkin won't help a damn thing! Will only make me sick for DAYS and that ugly, spacey dumb feeling-no thanks!

          Comment


            #6
            So, here it is.. my story.

            Thank you for sharing, Moni. I'm sorry you have been through so much sadness.:l I drank the night my father died (was half lit when I got the call) and was unable to drive to join the rest of my family in their grief. I did not stop drinking heavily until 2 years later, nearly. Good for you that you've recognized the need to quit and are working on becoming the person you want to be.


            "I like people too much or not at all."
            Sylvia Plath

            Comment


              #7
              So, here it is.. my story.

              Wow Moni. Thanks for sharing. It puts so many things into perspective. Check your insurance. You may be able to get your own counselor without needing a recommendation from your GP. I did. Counseling works wonders... for me anyway.

              Comment


                #8
                So, here it is.. my story.

                Hi moni, what a story, thanks or sharing. Beautiful written too ;0) well done on your brave decision, good luck and stay close x
                AF since 2nd Oct 2012
                Day by day

                Comment


                  #9
                  So, here it is.. my story.

                  I agree with everyone else...a tragic story. You are taking the steps necessary to move forward, and you can't do that carrying the heavy load of the past. Thank you for sharing this with us. You are an inspiration. Byrdie
                  All you gotta do, is get thru this day. AF 1/20/2011
                  Tool Box
                  Newbie's Nest

                  Comment


                    #10
                    So, here it is.. my story.

                    My best to you, Moni. You're on your way to a better life. Thank you for sharing.
                    "Remember, you are responsible for creating your life by every thought, action, choice. Choose well." Oprah Winfrey

                    Comment


                      #11
                      So, here it is.. my story.

                      Wow, Moni. I can feel the heartache throughout your story. Looks like life still has something it wants you to do or give. You haven't been allowed to leave. Stick around, love. It may be something VERY VERY important. I should have been gone several times. It makes me think there is still something I am here to complete.

                      Big hugs!

                      Love,

                      Slay
                      Rule your mind or it will rule you. It is from a thought that an action grows. :bat

                      Comment


                        #12
                        So, here it is.. my story.

                        A very moving story Moni very well written and what strength you are showing.You cannot change the past ,you can only accept it for what it is (or not, the choice is yours)but you can change the future to what you want it to be.You have taken the first and hardest courageous steps.Good luck with the rest of your journey.
                        AF since october 8th 2012:new

                        How to get Alcohol free in 6 minutes :H
                        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow0lr63y4Mw

                        Comment


                          #13
                          So, here it is.. my story.

                          Slaythefear;1427898 wrote: y. It makes me think there is still something I am here to complete.
                          Slay
                          Maybe the positive influence you've been on here is part of that?
                          AF since october 8th 2012:new

                          How to get Alcohol free in 6 minutes :H
                          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow0lr63y4Mw

                          Comment


                            #14
                            So, here it is.. my story.

                            Thank you do much Moni for sharing with us. When my mom died I went completely off the deep end. Almost lost myself and my family. It is without doubt the hardest struggle.

                            Stay close,
                            :l
                            :h
                            On My Own Way Out Since May 20, 2012
                            *If you think poorly of yourself, you can fail with a clear conscience.
                            https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html tool box
                            https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html newbie nest

                            Comment


                              #15
                              So, here it is.. my story.

                              WOW! You are an inspiration. Stay in touch with us.


                              AF since 12/26/13

                              "...........just put one foot in front of the other and move forward. One step at a time." Chris McCombs

                              http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_dJ97Vwoup4

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