A special call out for anyone who needs it.

[Slaythefear]

A special call out for anyone who needs it.

Hi Juja and Catch.
Strength comes with action. Small steps begin to build confidence and results that lead to further steps of action. Most of us have to fake it till we make it. You do something positive for yourself without believing. You do it because you know you have to or should do it as the right movement, choice or activity. I’ve been afraid of change, afraid to go outside of what is comfortable even when it is bad, afraid of losing what I know while not being happy with it. Change is scary. The only way to build the confidence, though, is to start making changes. When you do you’ll find it hard, but then you’ll start to feel empowered and in control of your life. Each step builds upon itself, but you have to start small…just one step toward the light even when you are afraid of it. Also, you need to find some support with someone who understands whatever your problem is so you don’t feel alone. It helps squash some of that fear. There are probably resources in your area where you can get help. For example, in my area for my problem we have a Domestic Violence Program. I had no idea it existed until my husband hurt me physically and I finally called and told the police and reported the truth. I had to see a doctor as well and both told me about the program. I have seen a counselor three times and went to a support group last night. There is strength there to grab onto. We will make endless excuses, but until we ACT, we will stay in the prison of our problem. A thought is not enough to change any situation; it must be followed with an action. The fear or scary part can be immobilizing, but find ways to slay it. YOU deserve a peaceful contented life. You need to start acting accordingly. YOU need to start taking care of yourself.

Catch, I know how you are feeling. I’m just now trying to struggle past it. That enormous sadness that hasn’t killed you, but yet won’t let you live. Go ahead and have your emotional breakdown, but then you need to FORCE yourself to get up, clean up, and take care of YOU. Make a list of a couple things you need to do, then force yourself to do them…even if it’s just one thing today. You have to start acting or you’ll stay in your depression. After the cry, start little, but start. Maybe reading articles on the subject will help put your mind in a more positive place, too. We can get stuck in the fear, sadness and the negative of where our thoughts can take us. You can start changing that by reading about how others made it through or how to make it through and start applying the solution. Many hugs!


Morning Pauly! We all have them. Sometimes we need to take some time out and other times we need to force ourselves to move anyway. I didn't want to go to my appointments yesterday, but I am so glad I did and feel much better today.

Love,

Slay

[AMELIA]

A special call out for anyone who needs it.

Hey Catch, hello from me. Just tried to call you on your mobile - but not sure if I still have the right ph. number for you.
Call me if you feel like a chat. Be good to catch up!
Jo x

[catch22]

A special call out for anyone who needs it.

Hi Slay,
Thanks for your reply, it really has help me, had to read it a few times, it gives me strength knowning am not on my own.
I did one small step today i got a form from the post office so i can redirect my post to the address am living at now. Am glad you went to your appointment the other day slay and sorry to hear what your going through as well :l
Some days am alright it when i get pulled from one to another by my daughter, son husband and sister. Thats when a small thought in my head feels like ending it all. ( but another voice is saying to me stand up for myself. ) I have not told you all the in's and out's but i feel like the bad one right now ! Because it was me that made the changed. But i do feel like a big coward as well. I was the one that was having the affair. 20years of marriage is a long time and i still love my husband but in a different way. We are all grieving from the pain. ( i feel like i have NO Right to grief thats why i feel like i need to see a cousellor) Am in the library today got the times for the cittizen advise bureaux, plus i need to go to the housing benefits so i can get a place of my own so my daughter will be free to come and see me whenever she wants to or stay if she wants. This thread for me has been the first step sharing and it has help me a lot. Like you said Slay i need to read about others thats made it through, which will help me.

L:hve 2u all. x Catch22 x

[catch22]

A special call out for anyone who needs it.

AMELIA;1441232 wrote: Hey Catch, hello from me. Just tried to call you on your mobile - but not sure if I still have the right ph. number for you.
Call me if you feel like a chat. Be good to catch up!
Jo x

Thanks Amelia will text you. Could do with a chat :l

[Slaythefear]

A special call out for anyone who needs it.

catch22;1442180 wrote: Hi Slay,
Thanks for your reply, it really has help me, had to read it a few times, it gives me strength knowning am not on my own.
I did one small step today i got a form from the post office so i can redirect my post to the address am living at now. Am glad you went to your appointment the other day slay and sorry to hear what your going through as well :l
Some days am alright it when i get pulled from one to another by my daughter, son husband and sister. Thats when a small thought in my head feels like ending it all. ( but another voice is saying to me stand up for myself. ) I have not told you all the in's and out's but i feel like the bad one right now ! Because it was me that made the changed. But i do feel like a big coward as well. I was the one that was having the affair. 20years of marriage is a long time and i still love my husband but in a different way. We are all grieving from the pain. ( i feel like i have NO Right to grief thats why i feel like i need to see a cousellor) Am in the library today got the times for the cittizen advise bureaux, plus i need to go to the housing benefits so i can get a place of my own so my daughter will be free to come and see me whenever she wants to or stay if she wants. This thread for me has been the first step sharing and it has help me a lot. Like you said Slay i need to read about others thats made it through, which will help me.

L:hve 2u all. x Catch22 x

I think getting a counselor you like and are comfortable with is a great idea. You need someone outside your own head helping you to put your thoughts into the proper perspective and someone who understands the mind battle. This is something I posted on the daily encouragement thread. I think it is fitting for you today.:l Fitting for me, too. Our healing process is not a straight line forward. Sure would be easier if it was.

The Challenge of Embracing Yourself

Lily ruminates about her failed marriage, beating herself up for mistakes she?s made and opportunities she?s missed.

Tom, a recovering alcoholic, obsesses about the years he lost to booze and castigates himself for the people he hurt and the relationships he damaged.

For Lily and Tom, both approaching middle age, self-acceptance is a challenge, but isn?t it a challenge for all of us?
On the road with yourself

Throughout the course of our lives, we are subject to screw up, probably many times. That?s the human condition, despite our best effort there will be times when we fail to handle ourselves and plow ahead, ignoring the signs warning us of dangerous curves ahead. We crash. It can be of the bumper thumper type or it can be a near total wreck. Usually, the crash was emotionally driven, not balanced enough by reason.

Some of us walk away unscathed, some with scrapes and bruises, while others of us wind up in an emotional intensive care unit trying to heal the carnage left in our wake. We screwed up and no one knows that more than we do. We hope to not repeat the same mistakes again but sometimes we do and the inner torment takes on new energy.

Life happens. The key question is: How can you come to peace with yourself? Can you look past the harsh judgments you impose on yourself and move on? Can you drop the self-castigation and attempt to see more clearly just what drove you to screw up? That is, why not stop beating yourself up and focus on something more productive, like seeing what you can do to avoid screwing up?

If you don?t do that and continue to tell yourself that it is not merely a screw up, but that you are the screw up; that is, you leap from having made a mistake to feeling as if you are a mistake. You define yourself by your mistake(s).

If you can?t accept yourself as an imperfect human being, then somewhere in the back of your mind you have buried your ?sins? in a shallow grave, waiting for the chance to resurrect them so the self-torture can resume. Being at peace takes a back seat to the inner war, it is a war you will lose and the main casualty is you.

We?re human beings and thus subject to make mistakes, especially when raw emotions come into play. Think back on all the dumb stuff that you may have done throughout the course of your life. Didn?t overwhelming, emotional responses play some role in your linage of occasional dumb stuff? It has in all our lives, including mine. The truth is that we are all more than our mistakes. Self-acceptance is not optional for a healthy relationship with yourself, it is essential.
Self-Acceptance

In fact, self-acceptance is one of the most important journeys we?re challenged with in this life. It is about being willing to embrace who we are, blemishes and all.

Here?s how I think about it: Imagine a container holding a variety of fruit, a perfect apple, a great piece of pineapple, blueberries that are just okay and a banana that is rotten, among a host of other fruits, some excellent, others less so.

Is the container good or bad?

Good? What about that rotten banana?

Bad? What about that perfect apple?

Get it? You are the container and those fruits represent your behaviors. The container can?t be rated, that would be simplistic, but the fruits (your behavior) certainly can and should be rated. The problem with Lily and Tom, and most of the rest of us, is that we stubbornly rate the container?our total Self. In essence, you are not good and you are not bad. You just are. I know, hard to grasp, but when you do, peace settles in.
You are so weird!

In contrast to those that judge themselves, their whole selves, take my friend Bob. When he told me about a very strange medical procedure he invented to treat a rash and avoid going to a dermatologist, I told him, affectionately, ?You are so friggin? weird!? He replied spontaneously, without defense, ?Yes, I know I can be weird at times.?

A couple of weeks later he complained about glare when he drove at night. When I suggested it might have to do with aging, he confessed it was the result of corrective eye surgery.

?Wait,? I said, ?you wouldn?t go to a dermatologist for a rash, but you let someone put a knife in your eye?? ?I have contradictions,? he stated with a soft smile, once again, quite non-defensively.

Now there?s a guy who is comfortable with himself, who has embraced his ?weirdness? his contradictions, his limitations and fallibility. He embraces who he is, blemishes and all.

He is not into the fake issue of self-esteem; he doesn?t need to play out the typical self-esteem tactic of softening or excusing mistakes or shortcomings. Self Esteem is based on feeling as if you are okay when you behave okay, and not okay when things don?t turn out as planned. It?s conditional.

The real deal is accepting your dark side as well, your imperfect humanity. Some of your behavior may not be successful, but you do not judge your total being based on that behavior. Rather than working yourself over and then thinking you?ve worked something out, stop castigating yourself and get going on a solution!

Again, thinking along the lines of self-esteem involves feeling good about yourself when you do good and feeling bad about yourself when you do bad. Your well-being is at the mercy of your behavior. With that inner philosophy you will only embrace yourself when you are behaving perfectly and your accomplishments as well as your life in general goes your way. That is an approach that is going to keep you on a emotional roller coaster.

Looking Inner Peace?

Would you like to make that full embrace while you can? Here are a few things to consider:

1. Agree in principle with all criticisms of yourself. If someone says you are being selfish in a particular situation, don?t argue. Reply with something like, ?You are right, sometimes I am selfish.? And that?s true! Everyone is selfish (and a lot more) at times. You are practicing the uncommon ?art? of accepting yourself with imperfections, rather than the all too common ?un-smart? defensive behavior.

2. Cut the small talk short and discuss the issue of self-acceptance with your friends. Ask how they forgive themselves for mistakes and shortcomings. Ask about their personal ?compassion philosophy.? Yes, we all have a personal philosophy that guides the inner conversations we have with ourselves about ourselves. Unfortunately it is often not compassionate.

3. Debate with yourself whenever you lose perspective about the fallibility of all human beings, including yourself. Remind yourself that perfection is not for human beings. It is about doing your best, not being the best. If you hold a perfection standard you are setting yourself up for torment.

4. About those rotten bananas in your container, don?t rate the whole container?that?s poor thinking that will only create more rottenness. Remember, obsessing doesn?t change anything, and, as Jung said a century ago, what you resist persists. The irony is, accepting yourself, rotten banana and all, is more likely to lead to change.

Love,

Slay

[Slaythefear]

A special call out for anyone who needs it.

#6. You Will Lose Most of Your Friends

Most alcoholics run in drinking social circles. You don't realize it until you've been sober for a while, but many of the friendships that you thought were deep and meaningful were nothing more than drinking buddies. In those groups, alcohol is the binding thread that holds everyone together.

Once I removed that thread, the whole sweater fell apart, exposing my nude George Wendt tattoo to a sea of horrified onlookers. And it turned out that nobody wanted to be associated with that. At least not while sober.


Little by little, the drinking friends realize that hanging out with you means doing it without a beer in their hands. And at the same time, you find that if they do drink around you, it's only a matter of time before they start offering you one. The more they drink, the more persistent they become. And the more persistent they become, the more tempted you are to just give in. Just this once.

It doesn't take long before they stop showing up at all, and after years of building relationships that revolve around alcohol, you have no idea where to even start looking for real-world friendship. As you try to figure out how you're going to build a whole new social life from scratch, the dread and panic of being totally lost is just enormous. You are in social limbo. How the hell do you escape that? Where does a guy even go to meet a woman, if not a bar or a party?


After two years, I still don't have an answer to that. As much of a hermit as it makes me seem, I've since resigned myself to a few very close relationships, like the ones with my kids, my fiancee and my best friend. And the rest are all Internet friends. On the Net, if someone gets drunk and starts acting like a dumbass, I can just close the window and talk to them when they sober up.


***Well, Ringing Cedars, you are correct. Honesty is the best policy. Some of you know I am going through a lot of changes and very difficult times currently. When you think of HALT, the triggers are very loud when you are losing so many things at once in your life. I had been avoiding friends who drink to stay sober, but now I'm losing and prosecuting my husband for DV, so where does one go for personal support when all their friends drink? Well, I needed some girl support and as the article piece above speaks to, I went to my girls. I chose to drink and be a part of them and with another friend. It's incredibly difficult to deal with so much pain and change completely alone. My quest will be to do this without the alcohol going forward, but I'm in a mixed emotional state right now. My husband is about to be picked up for the DV charge and it's all going to hit the fan, along with my emotional pain. Yes, I have started counseling once a week and gone to a support group meeting, but the other six days are still difficult alone. Anyway, slay did drink and it is only fair that I be honest about it. I do not plan on continuing to do so, but I so related to Running Courages, just 'f it' statement to drinking and I did. I had a good time, and I didn't do anything I regret, but I know where this activity leads to, so keeping my awareness in tact is very important at this stage of the game.

Struggles...

[almost free]

A special call out for anyone who needs it.

Hi Slay,

So sorry you are going through so much. I've always heard that the last two words an alcoholic says before going out are 'f*** it!. I've done it endless times myself.

I truly understand the torment of mixed emotions, when you are forced to get tough against someone you love. You wish you didn't have to do it and resent that they have pushed you into the situation in the first place. It is certainly easy to crave the comfort of friends and of course, our oldest 'friend' alcohol. The go-to buddy, always there, needs no introduction, doesn't require any tending or cultivating.......great, until AL turns on you.

I know it's not the same as face to face friends, but we are always here to support and listen to you. You always have some words of encouragement for all of us, even in the midst of your own pain. Let us be there for you, too. Hugs!

[Slaythefear]

A special call out for anyone who needs it.

I truly understand the torment of mixed emotions, when you are forced to get tough against someone you love. You wish you didn't have to do it and resent that they have pushed you into the situation in the first place.
Exactly. It's so very hard and harsh!!! Knowing they will be picking him up and the emotions he will feel is ripping me up inside. I don't like to cause others pain, especially those I love. I know you understand that horrible feeling because of your situation with your son. Even as the wife, I felt like his protector all the time. He is more like a boy than a mature man. Words can't express how painful it can truly be especially because it's not something I want to do, but rather am being forced to do.

So sorry you are going through so much. I've always heard that the last two words an alcoholic says before going out are 'f*** it!. I've done it endless times myself.

Another aspect of this issue is that we often stop a behavior because we want to be better for the loved ones in our lives. One of the incentives have been removed. I still want to do this for my daughter and myself, but I'd be lying if I didn't say a piece of the incentive has been removed. It makes it easier to say that f word. Some days I find more strength within than other days. When I love someone, I love them will everything I have, so it's a tough battle within when it goes bad. It's his own fault he is in this situation and yet I still feel a sense of responsibility for him. Someone call a shrink conference!!!

Thank you, again, for the response. They do help.:l

Love,

Slay

P.S. - Today I have been cleaning, cooking and getting things done I need to do. It's so strange because even cooking or feeding the squirrels reminds me of him. I'm of the current opinion that I may have to change my residence in the next few months to heal properly, but I'll know more as time moves forward.

[Juja]

A special call out for anyone who needs it.

Nothing I could say would make you feel any better, so just know I'm here, reading your words, and care about you.
Juja:h

[Slaythefear]

A special call out for anyone who needs it.

Juja;1442921 wrote: Nothing I could say would make you feel any better, so just know I'm here, reading your words, and care about you.
Juja:h

Thanks Juja.:h

[almost free]

A special call out for anyone who needs it.

Hi Slay,

I can't tell you how much I feel for you with the situation you are going through with your husband: the sinking heart, having to imagine what he will feel when he gets picked up, deep regret for the police record it will incur. The fear, the nerves, the dread......where will he go, what will he do......wanting to go back and undo it all......wishing you could.......resenting like hell being forced into making the terrible decision in the first place......and hurting like hell. Wondering if there will be retaliation......


Believe me Slay, I have been there. When my son lived at home, before ending up here. Time after time of threatening to call the police, finally having to when the violence and damage escalated. Fear of a huge confrontation between him and hubs. Not wanting to call the police, fearing and hating to, knowing that it will mean a police record, with all the consequences for his future. Knowing he will be on the street with nowhere to go........and actually grateful when he took off, before they showed up.......crazy, I know.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, that you receive the strength you need to get through it all. Hugs to you, too.

[Slaythefear]

A special call out for anyone who needs it.

Almost Free, I could always feel your pain, too. I've had struggles with my own daughter from her exposure to things and various other reasons. Her father was emotionally abusive. When he tried to get physically abusive a few times, he found me standing in front of him telling him to hit me and see what happens. He never laid a hand on me, but was extremely emotionally abusive, and I was trapped in that situation for many years. I was single for six years, and I walked into this one blind. I'm still working out some things on the exacts of why that happened. I fell very quickly and did not see the abusive side at all. He was very calm, so I didn't see the abusive side until it was too late. He, also, turned physically abusive which is a whole other ballgame for me. It's one thing to have your mind twisted in the mental aspects of abuse, it's another to be hurt physically for me.

Here is an article I found last night I think is excellent to describe some of what I found myself in this time around. They really do play on the past as what made them this way, so you keep trying harder and harder to get them to stop...heal them as it were. NEVER going to happen. It's as if a spell has been cast, but it is losing more and more power by the day. Understanding what has happened to me and seeing the con in the whole process is beginning to help me overcome the guilt of having to prosecute him. I'm beginning to see he deserves it as it isn't pity he needed but a kick in the ass for pulling this game on women. With that said, I have much healing to do. Time and knowledge and yes, I'm very nervous. I had panic attacks all night again last night. The article calls it a kind of PTSD. I can see that now. I just want it to all go away. I certainly don't want to go through this bloody ugly process. I still have to get a lawyer for the immigration issue and the divorce.

Let's chant, "don't drink, don't drink..." Ugh!

Thanks for taking the time to respond, AF. It means a lot to have someone who gets it and can empathize. :l:h

I hope you continue to find strength to get through your situation. Any progress?

Love,

Slay

Link: Surviving an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

[New Day]

A special call out for anyone who needs it.

To Slay and Almost.....you have both shown your strength of character through the battles of life that you are going through. I'm sure you gain strength from each other.
I fully respect each of you and pray that things will sort themselves out for you very shortly. Slay.....I'm so glad you are doing what is necessary to protect yourself.
Stay strong you two!
Hugs from New Day

[almost free]

A special call out for anyone who needs it.

Hi New Day, thanks for your encouragement and support. And Slay, thank you for the link.

It's almost diabolical, how Jekyll and Hyde they can be. Back when he lived at home, one of my son's co-workers once said that my son was so chill and laid back. Are you f***ing kidding me? Would you like a tour of the broken walls, doors, cellphones thrown and broken, the broken car door, the bashed-in dashboard? Oh, well, I guess it's just as well he's not a maniac at work.

I'm getting very nervous about having to give notice, liquidate the furniture and go back home. My son is unhappy where he is, because he has to smoke outside (since they are on the ground floor but don't have a balconey), and he has to go out in the rain and cold. It's also a couple, so he doesn't feel he is on equal footing, like with other single roommates. It's more like their house and he is a third wheel who stays in his room. I know he really wants to go back with me.

He is now talking about moving in with a person who works near him. This guy is the guy he gets his pot from. Great! It's also pretty far, and requires him to take a bus to work, as opposed to being able to walk in 15 minutes. It probably won't work out and I am so nervous to leave, until I know he is settled somewhere and doing ok.

He can't seem to deal with the normal mishaps of life, when he is not taking his niacin (for the schizophrenia). Any small crisis (stress/adrenaline rush)causes a reaction that is so extreme, he can't even think straight to deal with it. I see a definite connection between being off the niacin and the angry, emotional meltdowns. No 'episodes', for almost a year, then six 'episodes' since he moved out and stopped taking it. If he doesn't take it, he is going to lose his job and maybe everything. He is very angry and impulsive, when in this state. And it could get even worse, with full blown psychosis. God, what to do?! I personally have a bigger problem with him not taking the niacin than his pot smoking.

He desperately wants to go back with me, but hubs will never let him even land there and wants nothing more to do with him. After a solid year of helping him get back to normal, paying out thousands and thousands of dollars to house and feed him, the 24/7help I've given him, to get him back on his feet and able to function, he has just gone backwards. He smokes in the morning, comes home at lunch to smoke and smokes in the evening. All day on days off. That's another thing: if he moves to his 'friend's' place, he won't be able to come home to lunch. Will he start to take stuff to work with him?

I have tried and tried to impress upon him how critical the niacin is to his maintaining a non-psychotic state. I've pre-bought tons of it, so he won't run out. But he just won't comply and I can't make him.

Back home, he has nowhere to land, no job, few friends and no car, where a car is necessary. The problem is, if he is allowed to land at home, he will just fall in with the same stoners and get into even worse stuff, like last time. We won't be able to get him to leave, short of calling the police. Lock him out, and risk broken windows or worse.....an ugly confrontation with my husband. Who knows where that will end up. I just don't want to go there again. We lived in that hell for years.

Even though no one asked him for any contribution, (money, chores, help) and he lived and ate there for free, he was still disrespectful, hostile, destructive and a constant source of stress. Car accidents, tickets, losing his job..... always drama. Fearing when he came home, fearing when he didn't come home. This mess seems to have no good solutions.

Sorry.... here I've gone on and on again. Thanks for listening. I'll probably end up deleting this in a bit, so don't copy it in a quote, please. Don't want to leave it on here for ever more. TMI.

[Slaythefear]

A special call out for anyone who needs it.

I was going to quote and type responses in between but will honor your wish.

What strikes me in both situations is the objection to doing what will help them. For instance in your situation, if he takes the Niacin there is a definite difference so why doesn't he take it? It's not giving something up other than harm. Does he feel some sort of side effect or does he like to be self destructive? I wonder if there is a depression component to the mix? I have, also, tried to offer solutions which are only met with hostility. It's as if they are so closed off, stubborn and/or want to remain in the state they are in for whatever the reason that lies behind the behavior. I can see that the Niacin is a priority over the pot. There is another similarity in the behavior between the two as well, the father issue. In different ways, but a lack of a healthy relationship with their fathers. My husband's (until legal matters are handled) father died when he was ten. Anger and impulsiveness are common traits of their behaviors as well. Mine suffers from ADHD, too.

Well, you and I understand each other's pain. We both have a situation where we have no control over someone we love and wish we did and letting go hurts. I had to let go of my daughter for awhile, but we have mended to a degree. I am much more strict with my boundaries now then I once was when she was a bit younger. She had some struggles where I felt she needed medication, but that's another story not meant for here. She has grown up a bit more and I am hopeful that will continue and we aren't going through the same issues we once had. So, in that regard, I can really feel your pain for you son. We love our children soooo much!

I'm here whenever you need to vent for some relief. Don't worry about it being too much because I truly understand you need to let it out. It can be overwhelming. Making those decisions are very difficult, but when we remain in limbo, it eats away at us like a slow death. I have made my decision finally and will let go, heal and move on. You are still in limbo, and I understand why. We are so bonded with our children for life. It sure shows us what we are really made of, eh?

:h:l

Love,

Slay

P.S. Thank you so much, New Day. I hope all is going well for you. I haven't been in the NN lately. A bit too many things on my plate. x