Realising just how much of a priority alcohol was...

[JingleJo]

Today I reach 6 weeks AF and I can?t believe how much my life has changed and is changing for the better. Deciding to quit alcohol truly has been the best decision I have ever made ? people who had already quit would say that to me at the start and I just thought it was a sugar-coated clich? for encouragement (well, it seemed a bit suspect that sooo many people were saying the same thing), but of course it is true.

Anyway, I was never in doubt as to the reasons why I quit alcohol and over the past 6 weeks have realized even more the major problems it was causing me by having me in its? grip.

However, I genuinely hadn?t realised just how much I had ?prioritised? alcohol in my life and how selfish I had became. It really was at the centre of my whole world and I literally planned my life round about it. Just before I quit, for example, a good friend invited me to her wee girl?s dancing show on a Saturday afternoon in February next year ? 2 months away. I checked my diary and saw that my other half was on nightshift on the Friday night, so I made an excuse that I couldn?t go, as I knew I would be getting paralytic at home and therefore not ?feeling up? to going out the next day. This is pretty much how I planned everything ? if it was gonna interfere with precious drinking time or if I knew I would be hungover, if I could get out of it, I would regardless of the importance of the event. No doubts about it.

I?d also be raging if there was something I couldn?t get out of that dared interfere with my precious drinking time, eg I recently attended an awards ceremony that my other half was receiving an award at through his work. I should have been honoured, proud and supportive. Was I heck. Not only was it taking me away from a nights drinking at home, they had the cheek not to be dishing out wine(!), with fresh orange juice or water being on offer instead. I even commented on this to my other half at the time in a disgruntled manner. Oh, and I was in a bad mood on the way home as the event went on too long and the off-sales were shut!!

Sitting here this morning, with one example after another going through my head in quick concession ? some that are really very shameful Up until now, I had been mainly reflecting on how alcohol had been affecting me in the physical, mental and emotional sense or how it affected me when I was actually drunk, but I hadn?t really thought about, or realised, just how selfish and sneaky I had became and how it had literally became the centre of my whole world(!). Bit of a shock to the system and I have been really teary this morning tbh. Pardon the language - but how the fuck did I not realise all this at the time??

Not really sure why I?m posting this tbh ? think it?s just helping me to think out loud as I can?t have a verbal rant to anyone in ?real-life? about it.
x

[kuya]

Realising just how much of a priority alcohol was...

It is quite scary how much life we have missed in this way. As you say it is the additional time when sober planning and ensuring we can drink. I totally relate to this post.

I was at my son's house for dinner a couple of weeks ago and started feeling edgy at the time I would normally say goodnight so I could make the offy in time. It took me a moment to realise what the feeling was. He noticed and took it for boredom but it was the old habit of putting booze before relationships.

So sad to realise how much we missed ...... But no more eh?

[moni]

Realising just how much of a priority alcohol was...

Yip, couldn't agree more. Like Kuya, I would cut engagements short so I could get to the off license in time. In Ireland there is an early closing time so I would often be leaving people fairly early to do this. Then I would sit at home drinking alone.
I didn't realise how much thought and planning I put into it but I do now. I don't have to think about accepting invitations now. I just do and I can drive if I want.

[JingleJo]

Realising just how much of a priority alcohol was...

kuya;1434049 wrote: It is quite scary how much life we have missed in this way. As you say it is the additional time when sober planning and ensuring we can drink. I totally relate to this post.

I was at my son's house for dinner a couple of weeks ago and started feeling edgy at the time I would normally say goodnight so I could make the offy in time. It took me a moment to realise what the feeling was. He noticed and took it for boredom but it was the old habit of putting booze before relationships.

So sad to realise how much we missed ...... But no more eh?

Oh that 'edgy' feeling I remember so well. Clock watching and getting excitable or panicky, all in the name of making the offies or getting home to crack the bottle open.

Yeah, sad to think what we have missed, but as you say, no more - here's to a much more fulfilled and enriched AF future xxx

[ThreeDogNight]

Realising just how much of a priority alcohol was...

I agree totally with what everyone has said. You can't undertsnad it when you are in the throes of alcoholism--you just do what you have to get the AL at any cost. Lying beomes a way of life. It's great that your thinking is clearing up, JJ, and congrats on six weeks!!!

[JingleJo]

Realising just how much of a priority alcohol was...

moni;1434051 wrote: Yip, couldn't agree more. Like Kuya, I would cut engagements short so I could get to the off license in time. In Ireland there is an early closing time so I would often be leaving people fairly early to do this. Then I would sit at home drinking alone.
I didn't realise how much thought and planning I put into it but I do now. I don't have to think about accepting invitations now. I just do and I can drive if I want.

Yeah, Moni - that's the thing - we would cut things short or make excuses to get out of things to sit at home drinking ALONE. Crazy. As much as I would also drink with other people on nights out etc, 90 percent of my drinking was done alone and that's how I preferred it, so I could basically drink as I pleased into oblivion and I could 'hide' my drinking from the outside world. Door closed, phone on silent, world shut out - to me that was perfect at the time. Holy moly.

Since I quit 6 weeks ago, I haven't cancelled or made excuses for a single thing (both social and work-related), have made so many AF plans for the future and have done so many AF things off the cuff like visiting relatives or going places for a day out.

T'is like a whole new world xxx

[JingleJo]

Realising just how much of a priority alcohol was...

mollyka;1434053 wrote: oh yes - I can identify with all of those things - when events (family or otherwise) would arise - they were immediately boxed in my head as 'drinking' events and 'non-drinking' events - the latter to be avoided whenEVER possible - really quite important things I would have wangled my way out of.

I can so relate to immediately categorising events as 'drinking' or 'non-drinking' events and avoiding the latter wherever possible or, if unavoidable, having a game plan in play to either introduce alcohol to the event or drink afterwards.

Blimey - being an alkie really was a full time operation requiring high organisational skills, not to mention the art of manipulation and deceit lol.

[moni]

Realising just how much of a priority alcohol was...

Well, I just had a friend call. It's 10.30am and she's in a state about what she may have done last night as she can't remember anything. She was at a local event which I was also invited to but declined as I felt it would be too much for me to cope with. It would have had a lot of my parents neighbours etc there and I would have gotten too upset.
Just listening to somebody stressing out that they had to be brought home and put to bed brought it all back to me now. But in a positive way that I have thankfully done the right thing. For a short while last night I felt I was a bit of a dry balls not going but wow, am I grateful now.

[JingleJo]

Realising just how much of a priority alcohol was...

ThreeDogNight;1434058 wrote: I agree totally with what everyone has said. You can't undertsnad it when you are in the throes of alcoholism--you just do what you have to get the AL at any cost. Lying beomes a way of life. It's great that your thinking is clearing up, JJ, and congrats on six weeks!!!

It's crazy isn't it. I always had myself down as being a really honest person, but I was lying constantly when it came to alcohol - lying about my intake, lying to my other half about why I was drinking, lying about where bottles came from "oh, a work colleague gave me the wine as a gift" or "I won it in a raffle", lying to myself that I didn't have a problem, lying to family and friends to avoid things so that I could drink, lying about being hungover "I'm fine" when really I felt like death, lying about basically everything to ensure alcohol came first. Bleurgh!

And thank you for the well wishes x

[JingleJo]

Realising just how much of a priority alcohol was...

moni;1434061 wrote: Well, I just had a friend call. It's 10.30am and she's in a state about what she may have done last night as she can't remember anything. She was at a local event which I was also invited to but declined as I felt it would be too much for me to cope with. It would have had a lot of my parents neighbours etc there and I would have gotten too upset.
Just listening to somebody stressing out that they had to be brought home and put to bed brought it all back to me now. But in a positive way that I have thankfully done the right thing. For a short while last night I felt I was a bit of a dry balls not going but wow, am I grateful now.

One of my friends messaged me last week in a similar situation. She had gone to a works night out and had got so drunk she can't remember getting home and a colleague of hers says that she was extremely rude to people and fellow colleagues at the event. She was saying things to me like "I hate myself, I don't know why I drank so much, etc etc". As much as I felt sorry for her and her situation, I also felt a sense of relief that I will no longer ever be at risk of finding myself in that same situation.

[kuya]

Realising just how much of a priority alcohol was...

moni;1434061 wrote: Well, I just had a friend call. It's 10.30am and she's in a state about what she may have done last night as she can't remember anything. She was at a local event which I was also invited to but declined as I felt it would be too much for me to cope with. It would have had a lot of my parents neighbours etc there and I would have gotten too upset.
Just listening to somebody stressing out that they had to be brought home and put to bed brought it all back to me now. But in a positive way that I have thankfully done the right thing. For a short while last night I felt I was a bit of a dry balls not going but wow, am I grateful now.

I suppose the only saving factor is that many are in a similar state so no one remembers

I was never a social drinker which makes being AF easier as no one knows me as a drinker.... Tis odd sometimes as people confide that they are worried about their drinking but when I suggest they stop the conversation tapers off and onto other subjects.

[moni]

Realising just how much of a priority alcohol was...

Funny what you realise and remember. I remember not so long ago being with a friend, she was waiting outside the store in her car. I was at the counter of the shop with 2 bottles of wine but was frantically trying to hide one in my handbag so I didn't arrive out with 2 and could get away with saying I had just bought one.

I also remember leaving friends at a table in a bar to go to the bathroom but swinging by the bar on route to get another glass of wine, knocking it back and returning to my half glass so they wouldn't notice I had more to drink.

I wasn't a daytime drinker but I do remember occassions I drank during the day, justifying it with the weather being too awful to go out etc.

The lies were awful despite hating lies myself. I constantly lied about how much I had drank and even recall trying to pretend I hadn't drank at times. I was only fooling myself.

[moni]

Realising just how much of a priority alcohol was...

kuya;1434065 wrote:
Tis odd sometimes as people confide that they are worried about their drinking but when I suggest they stop the conversation tapers off and onto other subjects.

This is very true. I was possibly guilty of it myself in the past too though. The thoughts that I would have to go without drink forever.. was like somebody suggesting I live without air. I didn't view it as a positive thing. And now I view it as wanting to go without drink forever, not having to.
The friend I spent yesterday with used to drink very heavily but gave up while pregnant and never really went back. She would have one to two beers occassionally but prefers not to at all. It was nice to be able to discuss the positives with somebody and even make plans for the remainder of my stay that don't revolve around the pub.

[kuya]

Realising just how much of a priority alcohol was...

JJ ..... Sorry how rude of me! Congrats on your six weeks......you have accomplished it so smoothly I can't quite believe it is that long!

Moni ...... Since so many of us hid our drinking it makes you wonder how many of those around us were doing the same. Those government statistics are probably a vast underestimate of the extent of alcoholism.

[moni]

Realising just how much of a priority alcohol was...

kuya;1434072 wrote:
Moni ...... Since so many of us hid our drinking it makes you wonder how many of those around us were doing the same. Those government statistics are probably a vast underestimate of the extent of alcoholism.

Well in this country there are no way the stats are correct. Drinking really is still part of the culture. I do think things are improving overall but in rural parts little has changed. I haven't held back telling people I'm not drinking in the past week since I arrived here. This would be considered a fairly rural area.
Word on the street though, which I think is very funny, is that I might be pregnant! :H