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[decided]

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Hey Running, I think you have me confused with someone else! I never post in the newbie nest because the consersations go so fast I can't follow what's going on! Lol how have you been btw? Any big or small progess for you in various areas of life?

[Siren136]

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R4T - I'm the same as you. I never had the compulsion to drink until it was gone. I just really liked the taste of wine and vodka & tonics. I have said many times that I wish my wine of choice didn't have any alcohol because then I could drink it all the time. It was a habit that got out of control.

I, too, see myself moderating in the future. However it won't be until I lose the weight I want to lose (4-6 months, realistically) and even then I will have "Rules of Engagement" for AL. Such as not drinking alone, not drinking at home unless it's a very special occasion, etc. I haven't come up with a full list yet but I have time. I guess time will tell. For now, I am very happy being AF.

[decided]

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136, Good luck with the weight loss and good on you, knowing your personal limits

At the grocery store today, I passed some NA beer...I contemplated it for a little longer than needed. In the end I remebered that I don't care for the tast of beer! Lol I put 2 and 2 together and decided that for me, if I wanted to have a drink I'd be better of doing it deliberatly as oposed to tricking myself into buying the NA bear then ending up on light beer and so on...again I personaly drank beer because it was cheap, easy to get, and HAL made me hyper while beer made me tired and relaxed ( numb rather) aaaany how, still AF foing on 3 weeks this friday.

My last few posts I was talking about feeling clingy, lonley, down, and un motivated. -m not sure if just writing it out really helped me work through it or if I'm just in a diffrent stage...but I've made some small steps in the direction of personal growth that boosted my mood .

I have a feeling ill get around to cleaning this place up...at some point
Preferably in the imidiate to near future. I'm realizing how disorganized I am, and how its slowing me down as I'm not getting certain things done simply becouse the ideas and thoughts get lost in madness around me! My things to do list for exaple is under a pile of cloths somewhere...I think...pretty sure... I really do need to set some time aside to just get lost in flow of putting some order into my physical suroundings.

My insomnia is pretty annoying. I've been sleaking when the sun comes up! But I'm sure if I set a limit for myself and respected it it would help a lot. That too will come together when the time is right I'm sure so I'm not letting it play on my positivity too much.

I've noticed that my temper has improved...I use to blow up instantainiouslyy and without warning then stew for hours and hours and hours!!!sometimes days on end for stupidity. Now, I can see it comming monitor it, and a little damage control before its too late. I can also make my point clearly and firmly without dragging it out to the point that even when I'm right I end up being wrong (because of how I would handle things).

I find that I'm more mindful of my mother, mor concious of how my behaviour worries her, how she misses me, and how much she's had to deal with just because she's my mom.

Still trying to figure out how to pull off this loving myself buisness. What does that even mean? And how do you find a balance between loving yourself and still having love for others? Anyone have any thoughts on that? Signs of loving yourself? Signs of not loving yourself? ( Asside form drinking yourself silly and the like) what's to wok on it? How do you tell if your foing it right? All questions I wish would come to me in a dream tonight so ill have all the awnsers tonmorrow, buuuut that's not bloddy likely is it? Lmao!

Still, I'd love to hear your thoughts, ideas, and experiances with this

[RunningCourage]

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decided;1448203 wrote: Hey Running, I think you have me confused with someone else! I never post in the newbie nest because the consersations go so fast I can't follow what's going on! Lol how have you been btw? Any big or small progess for you in various areas of life?

:H :H I wish I could blame an AL addled brain for that blooper - but now, just me confusing you with a newbie in the NN. Can't think why. So apologies there.

How are you doing anyway? Booting the bejeezus out of the ol' AL? Good! Keep kicking

[RunningCourage]

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decided;1449518 wrote:

Still trying to figure out how to pull off this loving myself buisness. What does that even mean? And how do you find a balance between loving yourself and still having love for others? Anyone have any thoughts on that? Signs of loving yourself? Signs of not loving yourself? ( Asside form drinking yourself silly and the like) what's to wok on it? How do you tell if your foing it right? All questions I wish would come to me in a dream tonight so ill have all the awnsers tonmorrow, buuuut that's not bloddy likely is it? Lmao!

Still, I'd love to hear your thoughts, ideas, and experiances with this

Ehm... gotta be honest with you here, I am working on this one and this is one of the things i find hardest. BUT I think one of the greatest choices you have already made is simply recognising that drink is harming you, and making the choice to remove that harm from your body. That is about loving yourself. That is about caring for yourself. THat is about recognising, consciously or otherwise, that YOU have a reason to lead a better life than the one you were leading previously.

Another way of thinking about it might be called respecting yourself. Kuya made an awesome post recently about comparing our bodies to a child of which we were also the parent of: If we neglected that child through love, lack of food and nourishment, by feeding it AL everyday, by berating it and saying the child wasn't goof enough at anything... SURELY that would be called abusive and bad parenting...? yet that is what we have been doing! Love yourself as you would love and nurture a child.

Reckon if you love and care for yourself proper - you will have more energy, more time and more space to love and care for others also.

[decided]

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Running that makes a lot of sense. I like the Kuya analagy a lot! I don't have kids but I often think about what I would be like as a parent..what type of relationship I'd want to have with my kids etc. That's a really good perspective on this! Thanks for that

[NewOne]

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Hi De, just checking in to see how you are doing. Getting any housework done?...lol I swear to gawd I'm going to get motivated one of these days. Just not today or tomorrow.

All is well with me. The irritable moods are now weepy moods. Yay! I've graduated. ;-P

It is butt ass cold here & nobody gets out of their pj's for very long.

[decided]

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Must have just missed ya! I'm doing well thanks haven't done the sloghtes bit of house work yet! Hahaha! Its not going to happen for me today either! But plan to put the time asside to do it tomorrow though...one day at a time thought right???lol! I had the weepies too not too long ago, what a pain in the ars they are. I know I'm a broken record with this but...B VITAMINNNNN! Lol every time I forget them I feel crap and when I remember I feel amazing. What day are you on now?

[decided]

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I was commenting on someones post about. Mood changes after quiting AL and I thought I'd jot down my thoughts here as a reminder if I need it

I don't feel like the same person! My ability to rationalize befor acting is so much better than before and I can see myself gaining control of my inpulsive and compulsive behaviors. I don't feel paralized by anxiety and worry as I would sometimes spend weeks battleing before.

I've also noticed what can only be a rebalancing of my hormones as well wich is nice! My breasts seen to be really tender and swolen wich would normaly be unplesent but I welcome it as a positive readjustment. I never had an signes mf my menstral cycle and sometimes didn't get it at all. When I did it was always irratic (as were my moods) and I was beginning to woder if I had/ was becomming infertile.

I woke up randomly one morning and realized that my night sweats had completely gone! I was surprised to realize that it had actually been days and I was just so focused on re training my mind that I hand not even realized. lol

A couple nights ago I also realized that my "insomnia" at this point is pretty much self inflicted and due to a lack of structure in my life. I don't set a bed time and stick to it. But am able to fall asleep if I focus on that and not surfing the net for distractions.

I've also found a bit of unsuspecting joy in putting myself to sleep, being thankful and visualizing all that I can do now...still a bit slow on the action part lol but I'm being pacient with myself.

As for cravings...haven't had any to speak of, though the though still crosses my mind once in a while. I'm just really happy that I can quickly recal all the reasons not to give in! That having been said, I did have one of those crazy drinking dreams some of you talk about...I remember mindlessly taking a jyager bomb shot then instantly asking myself what I had done and a very real sense of dissapointment washing over me...I also remeber thinking well I guess ill just start over tomorrow since I've already started them battleing with myself over weather or not to keep drinking. I remeber feeling down but I think I decided not to keep going and the sadness was for not being able to engage in a night of mindless partying( there was some kind of celebration going on).

I don't feel concerned about this dream, and was reallllly happy when I worke up lol, but man was the dissapointment and battle ever real!

Asside from that its nice to see so many new people around taking the step towards life if your new just know that there is nothing to be scared of every day gets easier if you LET IT! The phiscal withdrawl quickly turns to positive changes and you can embrass them on an hourly bassis if your open to them.

Don't feel weak just because its not easy for you, but feel strong when you cross every little hurdle, challenge and trigger. There is a victory in every second you say NO. And those smally ones that seem insignificant and not worthy of being proud? Are exactly what bring you to the bigger ones.

One minute/hour/day/week/month etc you never thought you'd make it this far- but you did! So question eeevry thought that tells you can't do it.

I'm comming up on a month sober and still I wake up every day and go to sleep every night thankful and happy about it. Even when it seems everythings going wrong I can still say "well I'm not drinking anymore so at least I have that" and no one can take that from me.

I'm trying to accept life as it is and as it comes and focus on taking the actions needed to get to were I want to be. Baby steps lead to leaps and bounds...baby steps.

[paulywogg]

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wonderful post decided! im proud of you for going so strong,man those drinking dreams are a trip,i dream im gulping my beers and like you i think"what have i done?!"waking and realizing it was a dream is the biggest relief,you keep going strong,were all with you

[decided]

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Rning Pauly! Thank you if I hadn't read about the dreams, I think I would have freaked out! Lol its amazing how someone just sharing their exp. Can unintentionaly help another.

[decided]

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Made it to 4 weeks today!!! Last night was a trip though! Went to a club with no intent to drink and ran into an old friend who was already intoxicated...sooo pushy! I was phisically being dragged to the bar to take a drink with them :S my dream must have scared he. Bejesus out of me though becouse I was so adamant about not drinking. Not even for a second did I consider it. I was literally terrified of taking that drink. I think it helped also that the person was so agressive, pushy and physical about it...I felt like I was being kidnaped or forced to do something terrible. So I just kept pushing back in self defense. Sorry if this seems a bit all over the place but I'm really surprized at how bullied I felt. It makes me wonder how unknowingly agressive I myself must have been more than sometimes while drunk. (Emphasize on more as I'm tend to come off as agressive without the booze).

I'm the opposite of a bully by nature but if it was me acting like that before I quit, would it even have phased me? That alone is a scary thought. The lack of judgement and ability to think and behave reasonably clearly went out the window for this person who seemed out of charachter last night.

This is a happy post dispite the alarming events folks. I'm really happy I went through it and was able to see AL once again for what it really is: a bad idea. Next time I won't say no to the drink though...ill accept it! "I'd love a drink! One vergin sex on the beach plz" lol

My advice for the day : if your out at a bar or a club and feel pressured to drink, just have a goood look around you, no doubt you will find someone acting a fool. Yelling, angry, laughing annoyingly, saying or doing something dumb, looking a mess, etc...ask yourrself if you want to be "that guy" (or girl...its an expression) cuz once you start your not going to stop and your fait is all around you for you to see and its not looking all that great from a sober point of view. Lol

Remember that while people might have you feeling like the odd ball missing out or the weirdo while they are all knocking them back...they won't be once you have a laugh as they try desperatly to salvage their images, clean up their mess and cure their hangovers once the booze REALLY kicks in.

Take pride in your sobriety. Your not better than anyone else but it is and should be a badge of honnorits only shameful embarrassing and weird of you project it that way. You don't need to drink to fit in, you don't need to drink to have fun, you don't need to drink to be normal, you don't need alcohol to have a drink and you don't need an excuse NOT to drink alcohol.

[Struggles 106]

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HEY DECIDED

You sound terrific! And I loved your comment about looking around at the bar and surely seeing someone "acting a fool" LOL

You are right! You can just look around and say NAH-this is not for me. Thanks but no thanks.

I got a smile from this this morning. Thanks

[paulywogg]

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good for you decided!!! excellent job

[decided]

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Ann, glad you like that one hehe! I'm finding making light of the situation makes it rather enjoyable to abstain...weird I know lol. Polly, thanks for your support as always

So today I was raging mad. (Feel like I've said that a few too many times lol) saaame situation with the saaame person blah blah blah. I went off and pretty much wrote them a novel about how I have been feeling and funny enough, while I've done this before ( while drunk) I was able to do it without saying anything I can't take back (yaaay) no insults or swearing just expressing my anger. Now that I'm writing it out I realize AGAIN that my rage just isint what it use to be...I was even able to express care and love. I guess I was being more honest about my feelings over all not just a raging lunatic as I usually was.
Ayayah I cringe at the thought....if I were drunk I would have been dizzy and shaking I'd have been so mad! I'd have zero control on what came out of my mouth and I would have been in the wrong for it. While my timing might still have been off ill take it. .

Aaaanyhow, I found myself thinking wow I'm feeling a little high risk right now and I didn't want to drink but realized that I usually would have at that point. My exact thought was "man...this would be sooo much easier to handle if I was drinking right NOW". Followed by an interesting tangent I found rather interesting and made me laugh in the end.

I guess I was negotiation with myself because my response was "yah but you don't drink when your mad". What's funny is that while I do sometimes toy with the idea of moderating, I'm leaning pretty heavily on the abstinance side. So since when is there specific times I dont drink???? I thought I soped almost a month ago lol.

Then I realized that that's a tactic I've been using to help me get through the quit! I never told myself I'm not allowed to ever drink I told myself I'm deciding conciously not to do it. - made a choice. When I felt like drinking I openly negotiate with myself.

I ask myself honestly what I'm feeling that's making me think its a good time to drink
And I give myself an honest chance to state my case:

-It would be easier to deal with my anger, I'm mad ass hell and it will mellow me out...pufft yah, sure.
And who's going to deal with the desaster you leave behind when you realize you were pissed before you started drinking?(No punn intended) besides...people are stupid and annoy the crap out of you everyday...
There is no bottle big enough for that...sorry.

-It would be easier to distract myself from this feeling that is making me feel uncomfortable and axious...Until you wake up and they are still there bigger and badder than before, because SOMBODY didn't deal with them... I'm not pointing any fingers but... You might as well get a head start on getting to the bottom of that feeling and fixing it, cuz its not going to disapear on its own buddy.

-i feel left out cuz everyone else is doing it...Wait, what??? This isint high school. I refuse to be "that guy" I'm not being the loser tonight.

-im lonely...No SH*IT sherlock! You continued an abusive relationship with a bottle that alienated you from all your friends and used up all your cash leaving you alone and broke! (Jerk).

-im booooorrrrredddddd...OOOOMMMYYYYGODDDD!!! Keep spending your cash on booze and see how long it takes you pay off this debt and catch up on bills so you can have money to DO something cool with.

-i can't sleeeeeep....melatonin, its in the kitchen.

-im celebrating!...really? What are you celebrating? It must be huuuuge!!! I mean...if you drinking every time you sucseed in something that's a hell of a lot of drinking...but its a biig deal, Soooo this is probably the only sucsess your going to want or need ever again right?...riiiiight. If your planning on being sucsessful in life- you might want to find a new way to celebrate. Just saying.

-im dying?...are u sure? Cuz if your not, your going to either feel like it or wish u were or both in the morning.

-im...Your nothing you don't drink get over. Go clean your room or something...

Nevermind! Ill shut up now ...Good. now go make me a sandwich, I'm hungry.

Ok so I know its crazy but this is what gets me through tough times...lol I had this converation in my head as I tried to find something that would be a perfectly justified reason to have a drink.
I can't seem to find one anymore.

I thought I would put this out there incase anyone finds it useful one day. Lol abstainers or modrrators...I think having the debate instead of ignoring the voices can help. Its a lot harder to sneak up on you when when you get to know it as you would a person. I remeber someone even telling me here that some people even give the voice a name

You know what they say! Keep your friends close and your enemies closer!