I decided...

[decided]

I decided...

Reminders:

Emotional maturity ( why life can be harder than it has to be)
Alcohol and emotional development - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Waste of blinkin money 420 bux saved as of feb 4th not counting the min of 70 bux spent on drunken takeout and hangover food, missed work, and interest on bills that have been put asside in order to buy booze or taxi's to get me places faster after remaining passed out too long).

I don't even know how I afforded it!!!!....aaah yes, that's right that's why I'm in debt and my credid it shot. FML lol. The up side : I'm finally starting to put the dirt back into the hole I've been digging for myself. YAY
how much money do you save a month since you quit alcohol - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

[paulywogg]

I decided...

havent seen you in a bit decided,you ok?just wondering how you are

[decided]

I decided...

Hi Pauly! I didn't get any alerts sorry, didn't know you were looking for me...I've been good! Still an emotional wreck
k trying to find new ways of dealing with life haha!!! Actually just had a good cry about an hour or so ago lol.

3 months for me on the 4th and very happy with the progress I've made thus far. Made it through my b day, and a few nights out by ordering strange af drinks wherever I go :-). If people didn't think I was strange before well! I'm sure I've fixed that.

lost about 10 lbs or more of what I suspect to be water weight from the booze [I drank beer]and people keep telling me I look different ... STILL haven't cleaned up my house yet though. will try that again tomorrow hehehe!

how have you been??? Thanks for checking on me

[paulywogg]

I decided...

hi decided,i just used to follow your thread and wondered how you were,sounds like youre doing pretty darn good,im happy take care girly

[decided]

I decided...

Hi all! It's been a while...ALMOST too long since I stopped in and read/posted.

I hit an interesting turn in this journey and I figured if add it to my tread as a reminder to myself...also planning on re reading my previous posts to remind me of where the AL took me once before and how much I don't want to go back there...

So I quit in the 4 th of jan 2013 and seemed to have it a lot easier than alot of people...I fought the AL voice like a champ and they eventually seem to go away...I've been very proud of myself as have been my family and friends and it's had a really positive and unexpected influence on those around me wich felt great and also have me a sense of responsibility outside of myself.

I'm really glad that I spent so many hours here reading and writing and reading some more and that I made coming here a part of my daily things to do( sometimes It was the only thing I did in a day and I have no regrets as it payed off). The stories I've read here, the pain and struggles of myself and others stayed in the back of my mind and allowed me to fast forward to " what comes next" when faced with my old friend/faux ( faux friend lol) AL.

I remember reading about the relapse and they all started the same way...things are going really well and you get ballzy. Well...sure enough, i started to get ballzy.

From the beginning I made the decision to face this head on and not let it intimidate me. I went out and just practiced saying no until it became second nature. Then someone ordered me a glass of wine and I accepted it...just to prove that I was in full control. I had a sip and was freaked out at how "hot"it was! Like it literally felt warm and burnt a bit (WINE!?!) I thought to myself this shyt really is poison! And It's kinda dealing me out. I left the glass there full and even more proud of myself for doing so.

I didn't realize it but I must have started to negotiate my boundaries and let my short victory seem alot more impressive than it has been, because not too Lon after that ( 2 weeks? ) I went to a club and Consciously ordered a vid a cranberry just to test myself again...and again I was shocked at how strong it tasted...but this time I was really freaked out because after a couple small sips I had this crazy serge running through my veins like electricity and I felt really restless? It's the only way I can explain it...almost like the only way to get rid of it...would be to keep drinking...that freaked me out and as I had already put the drink down from being so strong and burning...I just left it there once again proud that I had been so conscious in my actions and stoping myself...it was a sign that I was out of the woods and could relax as my attitude towards booze had changed...right?

If that's the case why then, 5 days after my 6 month mark- did I accept a glass of champagne and consciously sip it ALL...studying the effects it was having on me, the dozy drowsy feeling, the let loose attitude taking over...the rat of the group engaged in much heavier consumption than my one half glass of bubbles but a I not had to leave for other reasons...what would have happened??? I don't think I would have had anymore as the buzz was freaking me out but who knows...what if I got bad news while out with that glass of champagne in me ???

I can't say for sure, but I can say this: for 2 weeks since that day ( give or take a few days) I thought about drinking and going out with the intent to get a buzz. I had a conflict with a close friend an that was my imidiAte reaction..."I want to get drunk" I felt like it was day 7 all over again, playin out the senaio, arguing with myself, fighting the voice etc...just like that Booze became relevant again, and I missed magazine in mindless "fun" with "friends".

JUST LIKE THAT.

The feeling had passed again as I continue to remin myself of what comes next...one glass is ok so why not a night of fun and go back to the sober life after? Big reason to celebrate comming up soon...why not just for the night? Commit a night to party and a day to recover and that's it! Move on with your life as usual...but it doesn't work that way does it? Next week will be someone else's b day...another reason to celebrate, an argument that gets you so frazzled you forget to stop yourself from goin to the store...and in the blink I an eye your back where your started telling people your "sick" when yor really just hungover...reeking of booze broke and late for work, lookin like shit, 15 lbs heavier and so depressed/ashamed/disgusted with yourself all you can think of the next time you can have another drink so you do t have to deal with it just yet.

I've been thinking about it ad talking About it with friends and the like and everyone incluin myself avoid the term alchoholic in my case...after all if I was one I wouldn't have had aug an easy time stopping, I wouldn't have been able to control myself after just a sip or a glass or been able to be around it and just say no so sincerely right? Yes? No?

Truth is WHO CARES??? I use to..."I'm an alkie...I think...maybe not...nah I'm not an alkie! Nope I'm an alkie...well could an alkie do this??? Humm???could they??? Aha! I told you I wasent an alkie..."
I don't care anymore if I'm an alkie or not. I have a drinking problem. PERIOD.

CALL it what you want to call it.
I'm still tempted to "test" a night night which only goes to prove that there is a problem. And thanks to that one glass of champagne I now get to go back to standing guard as I wait for al to try to blind side me all over again.

Just a reminder that if you give it an inch it WiLL take a mile.

Time to reintegrate my reading here into my daily life...thanks again to all of you for sharing your setbacks and victories...they have remained ingrained in my self conscious and changed the way I see my life and my relationship with AL and allowed me to fast forward before making a bad decision.

Much love,strength and positive thoughts anyone still finding their path right now, and just as much to those who have already found the right path and are walking it now.

Xoxoxox

[decided]

I decided...

P.s if you had a drink don't kill yourself over it, take a second to really think about where this could go, the get back on track and keep it moving one foot in front of the other...the most important thing is to just going. Xoxox

[kambob]

I decided...

Absolutely marvellous post decided! It's stories like yours that scare the shit out of me and keep me on the straight and narrow.....even though I haven't been seriously challenged yet, there will come a time, sooner or later when a decision will have to be made to drink or not drink on a particular occasion. Thank you for your reminder that it is different for us.

kambob

[Unwasted]

I decided...

Decided,

Thank you so much for this post. It really captures the nuances of how we start bargaining with ourselves about our ability to drink. This is a great description of the arguments I've had with myself countless times!

We need these kinds of reminders of how easily we can slip right back into the trap regardless of how secure we are in thinking we're never going to drink again.

Thanks again - great post.

[paulywogg]

I decided...

hey decided long time no "see",thank you so much for sharing this with us,i was struggling real bad last month,i slipped and said f-it and kept drinking,i hated myself so much for one slip i just didnt care,its stories like yours that really help to motivate others to dust off get back up,strengthen that no al resolve,glad youre doing good take care

[3June2013]

I decided...

decided, thanks for the reminder that those of us who can't control our drinking have to give it up. Sharing it with others helps us all, thanks for being accountable and for opening up. Good to know you'll be around more. It's how I get through each day AF!

[spiderwoman]

I decided...

Very glad you decided to share the experience Decided. Reading posts like yours keeps me aware of where a drop of the stuff could lead. I have a friend who comes to my home and insists on bringing her bottle of wine, sometimes cider on the side, because "she has to have a life" and have once sniffed the glass after she left, it smelt vile.I know if I tried just the one, within a week every penny of my disposable income and money that should go on bills would be handed over at the local shop for wine.

[witts end]

I decided...

thanks for reminding us
that one sip is one too many

[decided]

I decided...

Hi everyone! I'm glad some good came of the experience and that I could contribute something to the rest of you! Little update: I'm STILL arguing with myself lol...be very careful, because somehow in a twists way your AL voice WILL...use it as amunition, and it gets harder to argue, you have to just say no and focus on the pride thAt you developed being a non drinker..."we'll you had some champagne and it was hard but you didn't keep going...maybe you CAN moderate!" I can imagine if I decided to give in and moderate it would be" well you CAN moderate maybe you can brink like a normal person again"...and that can't lead anywhere positive. All I know is that if I have to negotiate my drinking its obviously no a good thing and a problem. NORMAL DRINKERS DON'T NEGOTIATE...they instinctively don't go overboard and don't have to over think it. (I'm writing that down). I have alot of strengths and positive attributes...drinking is not one of them. And that's ok. ☺

[decided]

I decided...

kambob;1522171 wrote: Absolutely marvellous post decided! It's stories like yours that scare the shit out of me and keep me on the straight and narrow.....even though I haven't been seriously challenged yet, there will come a time, sooner or later when a decision will have to be made to drink or not drink on a particular occasion. Thank you for your reminder that it is different for us.

kambob

Hey Kanbob I had put myself in dangerous situations from the start to ax that hurdle head on...but let me tell you Al is one sneaky sob...all I can say is play out the worst case scenario every time your faced with it because thats MOST likely what will end up happeneing. ( nevermind falling back into a regular pattern, you can actually FEEL yourself losing control...god knows what kind if behaviour could insure:drunken phin calls or txtxs/fights/absentminded insults/infidelity/drunk driving) when you get to an event or a diner where you may be offered some or it's easy to acess, go to the bathroom-look yourself in the mirror and play out all the scenarios of what coul happen when you ALLOW AL to take control.

[decided]

I decided...

Unwasted;1522195 wrote: Decided,

Thank you so much for this post. It really captures the nuances of how we start bargaining with ourselves about our ability to drink. This is a great description of the arguments I've had with myself countless times!

We need these kinds of reminders of how easily we can slip right back into the trap regardless of how secure we are in thinking we're never going to drink again.

Thanks again - great post.

I agree...never turn your back cuz it's always working against you in the background and it's when you least expect it that your at your most vulnerable. The mind is a powerful thing, and it knows all of its own strengths am weaknesses.