Day One and onward: The Diary of a chronic Aussie Drinker

[martye]

Hello I plan to use this page to place a daily ?log? of my quite journey is order to receive support and hopefully motivate some people in similar situations.

A Little about Me:

I am 34 living with my partner and her child. I have been a chronic alcohol abuser for as long as I can remember, easily able to polish off one case of beer in a sitting (24 beers). I also have bi-polar type 2 and clinical depression. I have been on medication for this for some time although I see no effects I would imagine because of the alcohol. I guess you could sum it up by saying ?I drink because I am depressed and I am depressed because I drink?

It should also be noted I am using Naltrexone to help with my quit attempt
I plan to be an open book on this forum so should you have any questions about anything then please asks.

DAY 1:

The day started like any other, woke up hung over and walked around my house feeling dazed and confused. I also felt fear. Fear that I have not felt in a long time. What if life is not fun? Will cooking a bbq ever be fun again? What if I can?t do it? How will I fill in time? Will I find out I actually don?t love my partner when I am sober? Etc tc the list goes on.

Anyway I have made it through day one although I must say it has not been very easy. I have a argument with my partner about ?.. who knows. I notice this was a massive trigger (excuse) to drink. I went for a drink and ended up in the car park of my local pub. I just though one beer will numb the pain and I can smile again!

I did not go in, still feel depressed and craving a drink although I did not give in.
I am having no side effects as yet. When I have stopped drinking before (for no longer then a week) I notice day 3 and 4 I start to get the shakes big time and the cravings are fairly strong.

Anyway that is my day one! I will touch base around the same time tomorrow to discuss how day 2 went. Until then take care everyone.

Cheers

[patrice]

Day One and onward: The Diary of a chronic Aussie Drinker

Hi Martye,

The sooner you get on that road, the better... it's one hard slog but I know for sure that it's worth it..
I am on the same road, to get free of alcohol...
Well done for you on starting this thread and documenting your progress

Take care
Patrice

[Change]

Day One and onward: The Diary of a chronic Aussie Drinker

Hey Martye,

I think we all experience the same fears as you. Congratulations for not going in to the pub, that took a lot of will power. I could relate to the bit about thinking that you may not love your partner once sober, but i remember being in a relationship and drinking just as much (if not more) than i do now. The relationship did not cause me to drink, it was (and still is if i don't give up) something inside of me.

Best of luck and let us know how you go.

[struggles]

Day One and onward: The Diary of a chronic Aussie Drinker

Martye, I am on day one as well ;( I too easily drank a case or more daily. My last drink was 13 hours ago and like you, I woke up feeling dizzy, dazed and confused. I have the shakes right now and went to the fridge for just one, but dumped it instead. I cannot have just one. I took a multivitamin and some xanax to help with the shakes and advil for the slight headache. I took topamax to help me early spring and had several months, but have been back at it since October...so that's two months going strong of heavy drinking, but a lot less than all the years I had prior. I'm not really hungry, but I read that I should eat something. I am sipping lemon water right now at 6:43am....when usually I would be on my first beer! I am going to try to journal my thoughts and my journey, but unfortunaley I will have to type it as my hands are too shaky to write ;(

Keep us posted there is a lot of support here. I made the mistake of saying just a couple beers and ended up with doing a case or more since October. I also thought I had this thing beat since I had so many months...my summer was awesome because I was sober. I weaned off of the topa and the antidepressant I was taking because I was feeling great, exercising, lost 47lbs and just feeling well.

I want that back so instead of trying to focus on how crappy I feel right now, which magically disappears and I think it wasn't that bad, on how great I felt a few months back.

Best of luck on your journey :l

Struggles

[Hippyman]

Day One and onward: The Diary of a chronic Aussie Drinker

No more hangovers for you...starting today. Sober feels GREAT!

[martye]

Day One and onward: The Diary of a chronic Aussie Drinker

@ Struggles: Thanks for the post! I think I am like you. I doubt I could ever just have one beer ever again! One means 24 for me. I am not sure how my life will get better although I guess tha is some ofthe excitment.

@Hippyman: I have read many of your posts and am always encouraged by them. Thanks for checking in. I know everyone if difference but was there a timeframe where you started to feel a little different? A little better?

[NewOne]

Day One and onward: The Diary of a chronic Aussie Drinker

I think when one stops the al one has to face themselves...warts & all. Maybe lack of self acceptance plays a big part. I had to come to grips with the reality that I prefer my own company above all others. For whatever reason, I felt that to be a defect within myself.

I love these personal logs. Mine definitely helped me to stay accountable during that crucial shakey beginning. And knowing that I have to go update occasionally keeps me true.

[New Day]

Day One and onward: The Diary of a chronic Aussie Drinker

Welcome Martye.....you said "I drink because I'm depressed and I'm depressed because I drink"....... That is me as well......and probably a good many others here. I had tried all kinds of antidepressants, but the AL kept them for working I think. I started to only want to drink in the evenings.....starting with dinner prep time and continuing until I went to bed. Only to wake up miserable the next day.
I'm on another day 6 today, but already I can feel the difference. I've never had a long term of being AF.....8 days is the longest for me, so my plan is to achieve 30 days AF as a first goal.

Do you have a goal set? It can just be TODAY I will be AF. That is how I am doing it this time, as many here have said it is the best way.....one day at a time.

Having the blog will be a good motivator too. Stay strong!

[paulywogg]

Day One and onward: The Diary of a chronic Aussie Drinker

hi martye,you can do this! i too think i only want one to relax,feel good,etc.and sometimes i can,but most times,that feeling starts and i NEED more,so over it!

[belles]

Day One and onward: The Diary of a chronic Aussie Drinker

martye;1438955 wrote:
I also felt fear. Fear that I have not felt in a long time. What if life is not fun? Will cooking a bbq ever be fun again? What if I can?t do it? How will I fill in time? Will I find out I actually don?t love my partner when I am sober? Etc tc the list goes on.

(

Hi Martye,

I had this fear for a long time - but at some point in my life the fear switched to "What if I stay drunk forever? What is my life going to be like as a drunk 10, 15, 20 years from now? What if I feel this bad forever...??" Somehow that fear grew bigger than the fear of being bored or not having enough fun without AL - in fact it terrified me. I don't want to know what my life would be like 20 years from now if I stay drunk...I hope I never find out.

Good luck with your journey!

[martye]

Day One and onward: The Diary of a chronic Aussie Drinker

Day 2:
Evening gang almost bed time for me  just dropping by as it is my 2nd day AF. I don’t feel much today, except depressed! I feel like I have lost my best friend, although how can a best friend be so kind and yet so UN kind!

I am still 100% committed to my goals as remaining AF for the rest of my days.
The shakes have started, I know after a week I can barely type so that should be fun.
I work from home so it used to make it easy to get smashed to all others and still “perform” at work.
I have the support of family, partner and certain friends although I am very reluctant to reach out for some reason. I guess it is because I don’t like to ask for help, I like to think I can do everything on my own.

I have my first “smart recovery” meeting this coming Thursday and am hoping that will be beneficial.
Sorry for all the thoughts being “out of place” it is simply how my brain is working at the moment.
Anyway another day done, I hope everyone else is going strong.
I draw inspiration from you all on a daily basis so thanks, I hope in turn I can offer same to people who are struggling.
Over and out!

[struggles]

Day One and onward: The Diary of a chronic Aussie Drinker

Congrats on day two...mine has not finished yet. I also work from home which does make it easy for us to "function" and still drink. I am think of picking up another job on the side. It was much easier when the kids were young and not in school so I had to be available, but now that they are off and not home until afternoon, I use the mornings to drink...sad, really.

Half of the time I was functional when they got home, but things just got worse. I always thought I could just sleep it off. Well, that's not fair to them to come home to a mom who is "napping" until 7pm and then decides to order out or make dinner for them. So, I too am trying to remain focused. I ordered supplements last week and then the all in one powder and am still waiting to get it. Hope it works for me. I think I may have to go on an antidepressant, but with my blood pressure so high, my choices are limited.

Have a great day and Happy Monday!

[K9Lover]

Day One and onward: The Diary of a chronic Aussie Drinker

Hi Martye and Welcome!

I completely understand the "fear" of giving up drinking...but for me, the fear of continuing drinking outweighed it by far. I always say that I was finally able to quit when drinking became harder than not drinking. What I mean is that towards the end I was exerting so much time and energy either planning to drink or cleaning up the messes from drinking, that it just became easier NOT to drink at all.

Set small goals for yourself so that it's not overwhelming. You CAN do this, and we can help.

Good luck!

K9

[martye]

Day One and onward: The Diary of a chronic Aussie Drinker

Day 3:

Evening Team, I am checking in a little earlier today as I have some work to get out of the way. Today is day 3 and I am still AF! I have the shakes big time, they dont bother me to much instead they make me laugh I cant send a text message also this morning when I went to jump on the scales I could not stand still enough for them to work LOL

Day 3 has been pretty good for me, had lots of work on so that kept me busy.

One strange thing I noticed that I am sure is linked to my depression and the booze is I purposly stop myself from feeling joy! It is hard to explain although I will give the example of today.

I was in the pool as it is 43 degrees in sydney today! My partners little one was doing bombs into the pool and asking us to count down from 10, you would think this would be a fun experience although I did not count as I did not want to experience joy. I have no idea why this is, I am seeing my shrink in a few weeks so hopefully they can shed some light on it although if anyone else has had similar experiences I would love to here them?

Day 3 and going strong. Take care everyone and sorry for the spelling it is a little hard to type at the moment

[kuya]

Day One and onward: The Diary of a chronic Aussie Drinker

That joylessness is just the effect of ingesting a depressant drug in large quantities for a long time. Not really a surprise that you are depressed