Tucking my tail in shame

[Oneredshoe]

Well....I am not exactly sure where I should start. I have been here before and stopped posting and checking in because, for lack of better words I guess I became a little cocky in my AF living and just felt like I had everything handled. Well I fell of the AF living wagon pretty fliping hard. I am so frustrated, embarrassed and ashamed of myself! I don't want to live my life drinking. I have over the past couple of months drank to the point of complete blackouts.....last night on top of drinking I took a sleeping pill and I wandered over to my neighbors not once but 3 times asking for more alcohol. They became concerned brought me home and stayed with me for a while to make sure I was ok. I could have accidentally killed myself. I have no memories of the night......I can't keep doing this I don't want to live like this anymore! My husband is overseas and is a drinker himself.....not like me though, he doesn't know that I drink like I do when he is gone, my friends don't know my family doesn't know.....I can't go to them for I am too ashamed, this is the only place I feel comfortable enough like I am not being judged. I will check in everyday and often. I don't want to live like this anymore.

[scottish lass]

Tucking my tail in shame

ohhh Red Shoe - so sorry.....my heart goes out to you. Glad you came back, look forward to see you get back on track and where you obviously really want to be.....:l:l:l

[almost free]

Tucking my tail in shame

Welcome, One!

Alcohol is indeed cunning, baffling, and powerful. Just when you get yourself out of its grip, it starts luring us back with lies, like: Oh, it really wasn't so bad, I'm sure I can handle a couple of drinks now, Oh, I have this under control.....

From a post from Nanette that really describes it so well:

"........many fights and many battles won against AL.....

He is very sneaky. He comes in many different forms. One day he is a television show, movie or commercial. Another day he is your hair dresser saying well try this for a while and then you can have one here and there. Then he comes in the form of a book you are reading where he describes an AL experience in such a romantic way. Then he comes in the form of HAND SANITIZER (it smells just like booze). Then someone will open a can of ...well anything... and he sounds just like a beer opening. Then you are listening to music and AL is in the song lyrics. One of my personal favorites, George Thorogood, "One Bourbon, One Scotch and One Beer". Church even there is alot of wine drinking in the bible stories."

We truly DO understand the struggle. Stay close, keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Take care of yourself, drink lots of water (with lemon juice added, if possible), eat and rest. We are all here for you. You did it once, you can do it again. You are not alone. Join us over in the Newbie's Nest. Lots of people over there starting and starting over. Welcome! So glad you are back!

[Kradle123]

Tucking my tail in shame

Hi Red :h

I'm so sorry you had a fall but thank heavens you got back here :h

Many times I took a sleeping pill with my 200 glasses of wine. In fact I had a bottle of nytol right on the bedside bookcase next to my glass. When I think about that...well...I try nit to think about that

You are finally where you belong here amongst us. I know that sounds somewhat presumptuous but you guys are the only people in all my 50 years whom I can talk to and move forward out of this crap....

So stay close. Open 24/7,
:l:h

[paulywogg]

Tucking my tail in shame

oh my gosh one red shoe, i remember you from a few months ago! you had came on here around the same time i finally tried getting serious about quitting,i followed you,i remember you quit smoking around the same time as going af.So what happened?you sound upset,how long were you af?im so glad youre back! i did miss you

[pixie]

Tucking my tail in shame

Welcome back, oneredshoe!

This is the right place to be. You will figure out what works for you if you post, read, and remain honest with yourself.

[FlyAway]

Tucking my tail in shame

Oneredshoe;1441907 wrote: Well....I am not exactly sure where I should start. I have been here before and stopped posting and checking in because, for lack of better words I guess I became a little cocky in my AF living and just felt like I had everything handled. Well I fell of the AF living wagon pretty fliping hard. I am so frustrated, embarrassed and ashamed of myself! I don't want to live my life drinking. I have over the past couple of months drank to the point of complete blackouts.....last night on top of drinking I took a sleeping pill and I wandered over to my neighbors not once but 3 times asking for more alcohol. They became concerned brought me home and stayed with me for a while to make sure I was ok. I could have accidentally killed myself. I have no memories of the night......I can't keep doing this I don't want to live like this anymore! My husband is overseas and is a drinker himself.....not like me though, he doesn't know that I drink like I do when he is gone, my friends don't know my family doesn't know.....I can't go to them for I am too ashamed, this is the only place I feel comfortable enough like I am not being judged. I will check in everyday and often. I don't want to live like this anymore.

Ending the night in a blackout was the norm for me. I probably did that 5 out of 7 nights a week. And I've often thought that it's amazing I didn't kill myself as well from alcohol poisoning. If anything good comes from your blackout I hope it is that it motivates you to stop. :l

[Oneredshoe]

Tucking my tail in shame

Paulywogg....

I made it until October....I got cocky and stopped counting the days. I guess that was when I should have started worrying that I was going to fall on my face. I liked counting my AF days. I can't really pinpoint one reason. My husband came home for his leave, he is a drinker...used to be a real heavy drinker but is now able to moderate himself. I guess I thought it was easier to join him, thought I could moderate myself, and I did while he was home. Then his leave was up and I was all by myself again.....I have no family here and most of my friends are drinkers. I get bored at night and rather than finding something constructive to do...I drink. I think I do it to cover up how awful I feel about myself, which makes no sense at all because I wind up doing something completely stupid and hate myself even more. I get very lonely being by myself 90% of the time. I felt awkward trying to make new friends with people who don't drink, like I was desperate and I guess I was. One awkward moment after another and I slowly slipped back into my comfort zone with binge drinking at home where I didn't feel awkward. I stopped coming here which I think was a huge huge mistake. I am back now and ready to start counting my AF days....this time I won't be so cocky. Thanks Paulywogg.......

[JackieClaire]

Tucking my tail in shame

Oneredshoe,hun.:l

I read this last night just before I went to bed and my heart went out to you. I should have replied then but I was a bit tired to say the least.

I like the use of the word 'cocky' I used to say complacency. The oh I've done a few days/weeks/months and I can drink like a normal person. Who was I kidding, just myself I'm afraid.

I also like to say a huge well done for picking yourself up, logging on and posting. It must have been very difficult for you.

So how are you going to avoid another evening like this. Can you write down when, where and why you drink. I know loneliness is a big trigger so you can start from here.

Go back over the list and write down how you will change your triggers. Use your imagination nothing is too daft.

I used to be a woman that had to get up about 3/4am to have a few drinks so my husband wouldn't see my hands shaking when I waved him off to work, so I could get on with my proper drinking day. Horrible time of my life and anything I can do I'll help.

[kuya]

Tucking my tail in shame

Hi one, I remember you, we quit about the same time.

From what I read the main mistake was to stop coming here. I nearly did the same, but a member here ( to whom I owe my present sobriety) talked me out of it.
AA say 90 meetings in 90 days and I reckon coming here daily for that time is vital. Plus you make friends, which is vital when you are lonely. I am a single mum stuck in at night a lot and the interaction here is a lifeline.

So :welcome:back One, time to get sober again and get your life back.

You did it before, you can do it again.

[paulywogg]

Tucking my tail in shame

i agree with kuya,please keep coming here onered,its helped me immensly,im not perfect but im a hell of alot better! its nice to be able to talk to these great people when youre feeling lonely or bored,or just reading some of the older posts have stopped me from drinking many times,and yes ive gotten cocky too thinking"yeah right im never gonna drink again those mwo people are nuts!"but if you read around on how happy and peaceful these people are without booze,reality sets in,please stay with us

[K9Lover]

Tucking my tail in shame

Hi OneRedShoe and welcome back!

I got to day 40 MANY times and then got complacent and let alcohol convince me that I wasn't really "that bad". I was blacking out 5-6 times a week, driving drunk, doing stupid sh*t, falling down and hurting myself, and being completely irresponsible, and I wasn't "that bad"???? One night I fell in the shower and I had a bruise on the left side of my body from my shoulder down to my knee. That bruise lasted 2 weeks and I didn't even remember it happening. Not long after that I started "hinting" on the boards that I might drink again, and a member here reminded me of that bruise and how awful I felt...that's why this place is so great. If we are honest with ourselves and each other, there will always be someone to help.

Please stick around and keep posting. The worst decisions I made came after I distanced myself from this place. I really need these people, and so do you. We're here to help!

Love,
K9

[Oneredshoe]

Tucking my tail in shame

Thanks to All of you....

A huge thanks to all of you for the support and advise above all for not judging me. I feel better today. I am going to take time tonight to write out a list of my trigger points....I think the biggest trigger is feeling lonely, and my biggest mistake was stoping coming here. I have been resting for most of the day and have drank a ton of water with lemon in it. I was invited to a friends house tonight for cocktails and I humbly and wisely declined logged onto here instead. I am going to take my dog for a walk the fresh air will do us both good. Thanks again to all of you!