please help me.

[whenbeautydies]

Hi. I dont know where to start. My girlfriend and i have been together for 14 months. We are amazing as a couple, we do different things, we laugh, we support each other. When she drinks she gets real violent. She slaps me, she insults me, degrades me, she says things i know she normally would not say. Its always driven by jealousy. I dont give her reasons to feel jealous, she brings up exs from my past i absolutely have no feelings for, she makes up scenarios in her mind then lashes out at me. Its getting so bad she leaves me at places in the middle of the night with no way of getting home, puts me in harms way and says thing like shes only with me for physical reasons. she insults my family. She says cruel things that leave me in tears all day. We are so in love, when she is not drunk she lets me know how much she loves me and wants me in her life and how she appreciates everything i do for her. I respect her, admire her and above all love her but i dont know what to do anymore. She never apologizes, always says its my fault that i made her angry, that its my fault, if i get angry she finds a way to make it my fault. She degrades me in front of people, walks out on me, yells at me and gets violent in front of other people. I want to be ok with her, i want that happy smiling amazing woman i fall in love with to drink and have fun with me, not make me feel like im the worst person. I dont know what to do. Please help me.

[kuya]

please help me.

Sounds like she has a real problem that SHE needs to address.

All you can do is care for yourself. There is support for family at Al Anon and you need to tell her it is not acceptable and be clear that, much as you love her, continuing like this could end the relationship. This last part YOU must mean. No one deserves to live like this.

If she deals with it you also must accept that you may have to lose your drinking partner ......you can't have your cake and eat it.

[martye]

please help me.

Sounds harsh but I think you need to be up front. Sit her down and talk to her about your feelings. Show her your post, explain how she feels. Suggest she "may" have a problem and you can both goto the doc together. She sounds exactely like me when I was drunk.

If none of this works then its "no more, thats the law, theres the door" You cant keep being put down my your partner, if she wont listen or reason then ...... I will leave that up to you.

[Siren136]

please help me.

First of all, her behavior is not your fault. You do not deserve to be treated like that by anyone for any reason, much less someone who claims to love you. If I had someone in my life who treated me like that when they drank then I would at the very least refuse to be around them when they were drinking. I would break up with them unless they agreed to get help.

It does sound like she has a problem, but you don't mention how much she drinks. Does she drink every day and/or is she unable to stop once she starts? If she is an alcoholic or abusing alcohol then she will probably not be able to ever drink again. If you think that is her issue, then disregard anything below. I only added the below because you didn't mention how much or frequently she actually drinks.

If she drinks infrequently, but just gets mean when she drinks, well some people are like that. My mother was a very mean drunk and she decided she loved her friends and family more than alcohol. Your girlfriend might need to really pace herself to never let herself get to that point. or quit drinking altogether. If she really cares about you, this should not be a hard decision for her.

Lastly, I have known people that only get mean like that when they drink something in particular. My best friend in college got really mean whenever she drank Absolut vodka, but was OK with anything else. I'm just adding that because I knew someone like that, I assume it would be very rare.

[kuya]

please help me.

I am mean on wine Siren, but mellow on vodka.

My sons have an ongoing joke about how they would duck and leave if they saw me with wine!
We can laugh now I am sober......NOBODY was laughing while I drank

[TheSunFlower]

please help me.

She is abusive....if she refuses to get help.....I would. leave...nothing will change.

I read from your post.....that this seems to be love. Its not. I personally think she has alot of issues. But, you do too......or else you would not put with this. Have to face up to your issues of being scared of letting someone go who is so abusive.

Sometimes we are so scared of being alone....which cuts us off from meeting someone.....that actually fulfiills our dreams.

[drinkingal]

please help me.

some people do get really mean when they drink, and for some people it just opens up the flood gates of all those hidden insecurities that come flying out. You can't control what she does but you can control what you do. You said "she leaves me at places in the middle of the night with no way of getting home" does this mean she is taking off in the car drunk? If she is that really needs to stop before she kills someone or herself. Like I said you can only control what you do, so if you have to take the keys away from her before she gets drunk, then do it, if she becomes abusive when she drinks, tell her straight that you won't be around her when she drinks, leave the house, refuse to go out drinking with her, and don't put yourself in a situation where she can just get drunk and let rip on you. But I think you also need to realize that you can't just go out for a drink with her and enjoy it, she's obviously going to drink too much and get abusive, I think you just need to send a clear message that her drunken behavior is not ok and you aren't going to be around it anymore.

[Struggles 106]

please help me.

DRUNK PARTNER

I agree that you do not deserve such treatment. And you should not put up with it.
As for the question of how much she drinks/how often? Irrelevant IMO. Clearly there is a problem with alcohol. "Normal" drinkers don't have such personality changes when drinking.

Maybe she would agree that it's a problem. Maybe she would even consider rehab if she tries to quit and cannot. When you choose the behavior you choose the consequences. If the consequences are high, as in losing you, maybe that would make a difference.

But it is her problem. Your problem is deciding what you want and need and focusing on that. You can't "fix" her. It sounds like you have just about had it and I don't blame you. Don't be an enabler. If you love her then help her see the light!

[Siren136]

please help me.

Ann Carolina;1456046 wrote: As for the question of how much she drinks/how often? Irrelevant IMO. Clearly there is a problem with alcohol. "Normal" drinkers don't have such personality changes when drinking.

I would disagree to a certain point. As I said, my mother got really mean when she got drunk, which she didn't do frequently. She did not have a problem with how much she drank, just that she was a really mean drunk. She could have a drink or two, appropriately paced out so that she never got drunk, and she was perfectly pleasant to be around. She just usually chose to not worry about it at all. She loved her family more than alcohol.

Also, if you tell someone who occasionally gets drunk and mean that they are abusing alcohol or they are an alcoholic, and they don't agree, they are going to shut down and not listen to you. You need to identify the real problem and deal with it appropriately.

I think all the advice the OP has gotten about protecting himself and not allowing himself to be in the situation where he is getting verbally and physically abused and humiliated is the best chance for his girlfriend to see the impact and consequences of her behavior and maybe decide that she wants to change to save the relationship.

[Struggles 106]

please help me.

I agree Siren

You are right that sometimes if you point out the issue some will shut down. The denial is stronger than the words they are hearing.

I have a feeling that the OPs girlfriend is not like your mom, in the sense that she is a different "kind" of drinker. Of course I don't know but it sounds like this chick's life is out of control.

My mother was a horrible drunk, and it really damages the kids. Especially when the father is right there with her. I used to wish I had had better parents but now I just focus on myself.

Hope you are having a great day!

[Tess-2]

please help me.

kuya;1455826 wrote: I am mean on wine Siren, but mellow on vodka.

My sons have an ongoing joke about how they would duck and leave if they saw me with wine!
We can laugh now I am sober......NOBODY was laughing while I drank

Nobody laughed when I was drinking. What is humorous about a death sentence?? I wasn't "mean" on anything - just nearly ready to die.

In my humble opinion, you must navigate this relationship when both partners are present and sober. Otherwise, get away from a toxic situation.

It really doesn't matter too much what toxic potion is being consumed. What matters is your belief that you have more to offer in life than being on the receiving end of abuse.

[whenbeautydies]

please help me.

She drinks everyday. A lot. Even when she is sick like right now witj bronchitis, she still drinks. Ive told her she has a problem but she just changes the subject. Her friends are a bunch of irresponsible drunks but im the one that pay the broken plates when she is drunk, im at work and she calls me to yell at me out of jealousy. She says she needs help but wont let me help her.

[Siren136]

please help me.

Yep, you definitely need to set some boundaries. You. Can't. Fix. Her.

Tell her she can have you or the booze, but not both.

[kuya]

please help me.

Siren136;1464168 wrote: Yep, you definitely need to set some boundaries. You. Can't. Fix. Her.

Tell her she can have you or the booze, but not both.

I have to agree. If she won't get help then YOU must help yourself

[Supercrew]

please help me.

I would run. You have obviously told her, she denies it or ignores it, she drinks everyday, so you are abused everyday. I really don't see why you think you are in such a good relationship.....it sounds pretty bad from the computer screen. I would run and not look back.