Hello...Day 2 for me, and an ounce more hope

[Elliesmom]

Hello -- I'm totally new here -- just found this site yesterday early in the morning, and as someone who doesn't believe in much anymore, it felt serendipitous. For the first time in years I actually felt the tiniest bud of hope yesterday, after reading so many stories that sound exactly like mine. I've been a heavy drinker (really heavy, for a woman) for about 5 years. Lots of coffee in the morning to get rid of the fog, jitters all day at work because of 5 cups of coffee, then sometimes going through 1/3-1/2 litre of gin at night, almost every night. I drink it in a coffee cup at night so my family thinks its tea. I make up excuses why I can't drive to pick up my kids when they're at a friends house. Despite the quantities, I don't get sloppy, don't even slur, but the next morning I often cant remember much about the few hours before I went to bed. But for the most part it's been totally hidden from everyone, including my husband and kids. It's been incredibly, terribly lonely, and the shame and guilt has me filled with self-loathing.

I've thought about going to AA many times over the past several years but for a lot of reasons I couldn't do it. For a long time now, I've been operating on this assumption that I probably will die soon, and I'm only in my mid 40's. I had pretty much given up, even started smoking again after quitting 15 years ago (I figured "what the heck", as long as death is probably around the corner anyway) until I attended a wake on Friday night that tore me up. It was for my friend's 87 year old father. But as I watched my friends' children just consumed with grief for their grandpa, and my friend trying to console her children, I imagined myself in that casket and my 15 and 17 year old daughters the ones consumed with grief. But without a mom to console them. I just lost it and cried all night -- I'm sure the other mourners thought that a bit odd, as I'd never met this man. So I woke up yesterday and decided I owed it to my children to try one more time.

So here I am. My kids and I went to the gym yesterday, I bought the kudzu, L-Glute, etc., and started the Kudzu yesterday. I honestly didn't have any cravings yesterday, but I also filled up drinking milk all day, too. And who wants to follow a tall glass of milk with a shot of gin. But I've quit before (up to 10 days) and had an ok day 1 and really bad day 3, so I guess I'll find out soon what I'm in for.

I am so glad to have found this site. It was really emotional for me reading some of the posts of people whose stories sounded so much like mine, who've been able to beat this and get their lives back. I'm so grateful to you all for giving me something to hope for again. Thank you!

[Breezy Momma]

Hello...Day 2 for me, and an ounce more hope

Welcome!

Elliesmom! Posting your story is a great first step! You will find so much support and encouragement here! Congrats on Day 1 AF! Good luck in your journey. You can do it!!M:h

[rednose]

Hello...Day 2 for me, and an ounce more hope

Elliesmom!, Welcome. You have made a great choice by coming to this site.
I welcome you here and and wishing you the best of luck.
Eat well, rest as much as you can, be kind to yourself and dont dont take that first drink.


Welcome

rednose :welcome:

[Siren136]

Hello...Day 2 for me, and an ounce more hope

EM, I could have written this story about myself. Except I don't have kids to quit for. I'm so glad you have found us. This site is your best weapon against alcohol, but you need to use it. Read a lot of the threads and post your goals and fears. Read, read, read and post, post, post. It's been confirmed that the people who post the most frequently tend to be more successful in quitting. Everyone here has been through what you are going through and there are many in very early stages of their quits to do this with and lean on (I'm only on day 19 myself).

Check out the Tool Kit and come over and check out the Newbie's Nest. That is the best place to be in your early days.

And before I forget: :goodjob: and :welcome:

[Elliesmom]

Hello...Day 2 for me, and an ounce more hope

Deb, Red and Siren -- thanks so much for your warm welcome. And Siren, thanks for the tool kit link. I checked that out and did find some resources on things I'd been wondering about. I haven't figured out the Newbies Nest, yet. I saw a roll call -- is that it?

Thanks again for the encouragement!

[kuya]

Hello...Day 2 for me, and an ounce more hope

Ellie..... I was a half litre of vodka daily for 23 years.

Five months quit, feel fabulous and never going back.

You CAN do this

[Elliesmom]

Hello...Day 2 for me, and an ounce more hope

Kuya -- did you get DT's? I'm terrified of that. Like what if it happens while I'm driving my kids...
I quit a few other times, but wasn't drinking as heavily as I've been this time. Been taking supplements since yesterday and still feel amazingly okay. But I'm so scared about the next few days. Thanks for the encouragement, and congratulations on kicking this. That's really helpful for me to hear!

[kuya]

Hello...Day 2 for me, and an ounce more hope

I had no withdrawal symptoms at all.......but everyone is different. I will pull up a post for you later......it may help.

Some people taper down drinking less each day for a week or so......I'm an all or nothing girl so I just stopped.

Right now for you it feels terrifying.....the truth for me was 'drinking's hard, quitting's easy, staying quit takes commitment'.

You've gotta want this more than anything in your life before and never forget how bad it was.

[Hippyman]

Hello...Day 2 for me, and an ounce more hope

Elliesmom;1456297 wrote: Deb, Red and Siren -- thanks so much for your warm welcome. And Siren, thanks for the tool kit link. I checked that out and did find some resources on things I'd been wondering about. I haven't figured out the Newbies Nest, yet. I saw a roll call -- is that it?

Thanks again for the encouragement!

You can get to the Newbies nest by clicking the link at the bottom of my post. I'm glad you found us. :welcome:

[kuya]

Hello...Day 2 for me, and an ounce more hope

Hi Elliesmum......hope this helps


To those struggling to get past the first days on days and when they see people getting congrats on reaching multiple days and think it came easy............... I pulled this post up for you.......it might help you through these early days......I hope so

KY


I see you keep falling over at day 2 or 3. I assume you know from everyone here that the first seven days are the worst, but of course you don't really KNOW how much better you will feel so there is no incentive to stick it out cos your brain is screaming

DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK

You read my previous post of 23 years of failed day ones. Sometimes my work meant I would go 2 nights AF and they were sleepless and I felt exhausted but I couldn't understand why they were actually not too bad. Then I would have day 3, promise myself that if I could do 2 nights working I could do a third, fourth, fifth FOR ME. But I never could because I had convinced myself it was too hard, I needed to sleep yadda yadda yadda.

I eventually made myself so sick and tired that I knew I was gonna die if I kept this half a bottle of vodka a day habit going. So I got my son and his girlfriend to move back in, had a big song and dance about it, set up umpteen safety nets and started the first quit of my life.

I started that first week in absolute terror, convinced that by day 3 or 4 or 5 at the latest I was going to be having DTs, hospitalized or a basket case in some way. Those first 5 days were hard, mostly because I was holding my breath , waiting for all hell to break loose.

Truth is by day 5 I felt fine, tired and a little out of body aching but my days were AWESOME I was sober! The feelings some describe as cravings are, IMHO better described as simply your body shedding alcohol. Your brain knows from years of practice that you can reverse this process and stop the pain by drinking alcohol. Your poor brain, the primitive part doesn't know that it will stop in a few days. Your poor alcohol sodden primitive brain only knows how to stop it NOW..... BY DRINKING MORE ALCOHOL.

This is where you are at, the alcohol leaving is causing you fear, no pain just FEAR. This is your battle, to stick it out cos your intellect brain has the benefit of US people telling you it WILL stop.

But you wanna know what hurts most is when I look at my sons who had to grow up watching me suffer and helpless to stop me.......

I HAD JUST WASTED 23 YEARS OF MY FECKING LIFE FOR FEAR OF ONE WEEK OF DISCOMFORT

[Struggles 106]

Hello...Day 2 for me, and an ounce more hope

Hey Elliesmom

Welcome to MWO! And IMO you are probably not in any danger if you already have 2 days. I think your withdrawal symptoms will be the more common ones like irritability and anxiety.

So glad you found us. We are quite a crew! Some really terrific people here who will help you in any way you need

[martye]

Hello...Day 2 for me, and an ounce more hope

EM, what a great story, and a great reflection on what is actually important in your life. The booze is not you and your family are. I am 30 days clean today and I can tell you it only gets better.

Check in and post often. I would love to follow your journey.

[hadit]

Hello...Day 2 for me, and an ounce more hope

Kuya, Thanks soo much for that post!

[Elliesmom]

Hello...Day 2 for me, and an ounce more hope

[/QUOTE] It's been incredibly, terribly lonely, and the shame and guilt has me filled with self-loathing... I've been operating on this assumption that I probably will die soon, and I'm only in my mid 40's. I had pretty much given up... as long as death is probably around the corner anyway.. I imagined myself in that casket and my 15 and 17 year old daughters the ones consumed with grief. But without a mom to console them...So I woke up yesterday and decided I owed it to my children to try one more time. So here I am.
Good Monday, All -- that paragraph above was my first post to this site, 30 days ago. There have been many times when I wanted to go back and recall what I had written, because all I remembered was that I cried a lot while I was typing. But I knew it would be painful, so I've been waiting for this day to go back and compare my life a month ago to my life this morning. And it's WONDERFUL, and new, and filled with tons of HOPE, which I thought was gone forever.

I'm not the best cheerleader here by a long-shot, but I just wanted to share that to encourage any new folks...and maybe others who've been around and slipped...that it IS totally possible to quit. It's harder than hell but you can do it.

Whenever I think about AL, I remind myself that while the cravings still pop up, the physical need is GONE. The craving is real, but it's coming from some part of our primitive brains and will shut up once we remind it who's in charge (and eat!). After 7 days your body doesn't need it anymore. So what would I get if I allowed myself "just 1 drink?"

A pleasant, light buzz? No. There's been a lot posted here about how our tolerance will remain high for years, even, so "just 1" won't make me feel any pleasant physical sensations other than suddenly craving a lot more. My tolerance is the same as the day I quit.

A treat to reward myself? There's no such think as an AL "treat" for me. I can't have "just 1", ever. For me, it will always be an all-you-can-eat AL buffet versus a treat.

Relaxation and good sleep? I sweat all night, woke up multiple times because my heart was pounding/racing, and was tired all the time.


How about a fine wine for that amazing sensory experience? NO. That's what I used to tell myself, but it's a fat lie. No alcoholic drink can beat a bowl of ice cream, ever.

What I WOULD get is an addiction back. I'd be up to a big liter of gin every day within 5 days, I'm sure of it. It nearly destroyed my life and if I hadn't stopped, I'm sure I would be dead within a year or two, and I know it's the same for lots of you in the nest.

Other things I'd get are guilt, shame and self-loathing every morning. Lying to everyone around me. Worried at work that it's still on my breath. Going home at noon for a lunch made of cocktails to stop the shakes, then going back to work with it ACTUALLY on my breath (I know some of my colleagues had to have smelled it...I can't believe I was never busted). Oh yeah, worrying about being busted. Panicking every time I saw a police officer. Not remembering what I said to my daughters the night before. Not remembering promises I made and breaking them. Not remembering kissing my kids goodnight and telling them I love them. My youngest telling me my breath stinks. Missing my kids' events because I shouldn't drive. Missing parent-teacher conferences because I was too drunk to drive. Getting into fights with my husband and not remembering them. Spending at least $80 a week on gin. Spending $40 a week on nice wine to drink so my husband wouldn't suspect I was actually chugging the hard liqour. Pretending to have the stomach flue when I was incredibly hung over. Remembering its recycling day and racing home to take it outside before my husband saw what was in there. And the big one...hating myself and wishing for death, because I had accepted it was coming soon and just wanted to get it over with. That was just 30 days ago.

Whew. There's a lot more, but those were the biggies. I wanted to share that, because I know most of you could have written that same paragraph. During the times I was tempted this past month, I would read lists like that from other Nesters and be reminded about the place I came from versus the place I'm at today, and the place I am guaranteed to go back to with "just 1". For the rest of my life, the ONLY thing I will EVER get from "just 1" is being ripped back into a life of a living hell.

That is my truth, but it's not the end of my story. Now I have hope, contentment, and while I'm still working on the whole inner peace thing and forgiving myself, I'm a work in progress versus a lost cause. I plan to be around, now, for my children's college graduations, weddings, and maybe even live to meet some grandchildren.

All of that is what I want and need, and I don't ever want to lose again the hope that I'll someday have that. This place has been a blessing for me in huge ways ! - :thanks:

Elliesmom





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