To Tell or Not To Tell

[jenniech]

As with most alcoholics, I did not broadcast my drinking. I keep it on the down low as much as I possibly could (in other words, sneak). I know for a fact that my husband really had no clue how much I was drinking. This past Saturday, I told him my secrets surrounding my drinking and he was both surprised and supportive. That was the whole point in telling him. He needed to know the truth and the extent of my problem so he would stop "talking me into" drinking (he is very persuasive).

Anyway, I don't really count him because he is my life partner so I need to keep it real with him no matter what (and I want to). The question I have is, if, when, how to tell other family members? Most importantly my kids? They are both teenagers and my husband doesn't think they are really aware of the extent of my problem. But, I grew up with an alcoholic father and my parents probably thought the same thing since they never said anything to me. I think my kids have a pretty good idea of my problem (I had the same experience). But, then again I could be wrong.

The thing is, I want to be honest with them. On the other hand, I don't want to scare them. What if I tell them and then I slip? If I don't tell them that I have stopped drinking because I have a problem, I don't feel like I am being honest with them. Plus, sneaking off to AA meetings doesn't feel good....but again, I don't want to scare them....

And then there are the parents, brothers and sisters. Is it best to just keep it to myself and if they ask, tell them? Or is it best to tell them?

What have you done or do you plan to do?

[martye]

To Tell or Not To Tell

I think it is important to tell everyone you can trust.

In regards to your teenagers I am not sure on that. If you tell them they may think the booze is bad and choose not to drink. On the other hand if you dont drink in front of them then I am not sure.

What are your plans in regards to your booze? Are you stopping?

[Siren136]

To Tell or Not To Tell

I can't even tell my husband why I really quit. I told him it's because I want to lose weight. But I'm not keeping secrets in case of a slip - I'm literally surrounded by booze and could slip all I want and he would never know. I'm just embarrassed by how out of control my drinking got that I'm not ready to admit the full extent to anyone.

I was a closet drinker - I don't really have and drinking buddies. If any of my friends or family happen to notice that I'm not drinking when I used to, I'll just tell them I quit. I'm not really bothered by peer pressure - "Oh come on - one won't hurt". No thanks, I'm good with water.

[jenniech]

To Tell or Not To Tell

thanks all
I don't want to relapse but what if I did?
I don't want to keep a door open, but I am an alcoholic after all.
I think I will just take it a day at a time and see what happens....as of now, I just sort of slip out of the house at AA meeting time. The kids don't ask but maybe because they already know at some level? I don't know. Having teenagers is challenging!! I am not going to tell my 79 year old mom who lives next door to me because based on experience, she will just tell me I don't have a problem....she doesn't want to admit that I take after my father.

tomorrow i have to go to a booze filled business function (this aspect of my job I used to LOVE and now I LOATHE)
So much drinking in my industry!! it is so pathetic. People go to these conferences without spouse or kids and they turn back into a kid themselves. People do coke, smoke pot, and drink to excess all on the company dime (well, except I guess the drugs).
My strategy? No night time events. Period. I will go to daytime activities including lunch. They drink at lunch too but I am good at NOT drinking during the day. As long as I am on the train back home before 5pm I will be good.
It is really quite disgusting as a sober person.....and I love being sober!!!

To tell or not to tell keeps me thinking a lot!!!!

[Nelz]

To Tell or Not To Tell

Here's the "Nelz, what would I do if I was in your shoes" advice.

Personally I never hid my drinking when I was hitting it hard. All my friends, family(exept the kids) knew. The kids were too young to grasp what was going on.

I told EVERYONE that I quit drinking, because I felt that it added the proverbial accountability, and therefore would assist me in stopping. But I usually wear my heart on my sleeve, for the most part I dont hide much.

As far as telling your kids.....I might wait until I had some decent AF time behind you. Then you can show them just how serious you are about quitting, and I am sure they will be very very proud of you. And you will also be proud of your achievement.

[Hippyman]

To Tell or Not To Tell

mollyka;1457303 wrote: I think different levels of honesty are needed for different people. With the teenagers, particularly if they were aware that things weren't 'quite right' - mebbe a sort of 'I found I was drinking too much/too often and decided I'd stop while I still could' - sort of half joking way -- partner deffo needs to be in the know - workmates -- I would be very wary - friends -- mmm depends on the friend and the basis of the friendship - if it's drink based.. well, I had to let a few of them just go. Mothers Fathers siblings --- I dunno, I don't have any but again - if it's an elderly parent or one who worries a lot, maybe temper it a bit.
HOWEVER ---- if you feel you don't want to tell people 'in case you slip' --- that's the door open already. This addiction needs 100% commitment from the get go - and if you feel you need to factor in a relapse - you need to look very carefully at that.
Of course any of us can relapse - I could tomorrow - but there's no part of my head today that believes that'll happen - if there was, I know I'd be in trouble straight away.

Re. going to AA and the kids at home --- I just don't lie anymore, but I don't have to cos my kids were more than aware where I was as I had to go to rehab - someone else may advise on that bit
As you grow in your sobriety, what people know or don't know becomes really very unimportant - because of the distance between you and your active addiction -

I agree with Molly. There are different levels with different people. If you are worried about a slip you can always take Antabuse as a safety-net until you feel stronger. I think I will always have some near by in case that awful compulsion ever comes back! Better safe than sorry.

[Breezy Momma]

To Tell or Not To Tell

No one really knows how much I was drinking. I told my husband that I was drinking literally every night ( whether he was here or not) and that I wasn't doing that anymore. He said good for you hon - it's your decision. I've just mentioned to friends that I've cut down a lot to lose some weight. My teenagers are noticing mom doesn't have a glass of wine in her hand all the time, every dinner!! I feel the support and pride from them. I told them that I'm not drinking every day anymore. It was getting out of hand. My daughter said, mom, it's not like you drank everyday!! I said, yes, I did. So, like you Jenni, my loved ones didn't really think I had a problem. Do and say what's best for "you". Keep up the AF days. Sounds like you have plans in place for when you need it! Awesome girl!

[rednose]

To Tell or Not To Tell

I tend to agree with Nelz.

"As far as telling your kids.....I might wait until I had some decent AF time behind you. Then you can show them just how serious you are about quitting"

I think scaring your kids or at least making them aware of the damage alcohol can cause in your life could be a good thing. I wish I had parents who had cared enough to deal with their drinking and had at least educated me on the possible pit falls of drinking.
After all they say alcoholism can be triggered by genetics.

Good luck with this one. I am sure the right answer will come to you.
Good Job with your husband in being supportive and not going of the deep end.


rednose

[jenniech]

To Tell or Not To Tell

fantastic advise everyone!!!
:thanks: