As many of you know, I came from a long line of alcoholics and addicts. My brothers and I grew up on our own, and I shared some stories here about how worried I was about his out of control drinking and prescription pill use. He was in an almost fatal motorcycle accident in June of 2011 while drunk. He was in ICU for 6 weeks and had multiple surgeries and all kinds of hardware placed to repair his 28 broken bones. He swore he would never drink or ride a bike again. He went back on his word, and before long he was addicted to the pin meds for his (very significant pain). He had post traumatic stress and suffered flashbacks and as placed on an antidepressant. I knew, before I ever got the news, that I would soon lose my best friend.
June 13th, he drove to work instead of taking the train. He had been running late because he just found out he was going to be a father. That night, his girlfriend came banging on all my doors screaming and I knew this was the time. As I waited for my other brother to call me back after the police left, he confirmed, by identifying my brother's multiple tattoos, that he was dead. We could not see the body, as he had multiple collisions and was ejected from his truck. A part of me died and I am still so sick over this huge loss in my life.
I stayed quite pickled for about 6 weeks maybe? People came to help me, clean, take care of the kids, cook. I wrote the obituary, I said his eulogy. We buried his ashes on his beloved Chistmas tree farm which were his wishes,
Now I know I can't drink anymore and if my brother could never get sober, I still can. I can do it for him, for me, for our lost and dark childhood, and our bond.
But it's hard to grieve in recovery. All of your previous coping mechanisms are unhealthy and non-productive. You realize in order to heal, you must put the bottle down and begin the journey of grief. This has been by far the most difficult loss I have ever encountered and sometimes I still can't even believe he is gone.
So this is a thread about grief in recovery and anyone can add to it. You may see me write a lot about my dear brother, so if you don't want to read, you don't have to. But this is my therapy and it provides an outlet for what I am feeling every day of my life.
Feel free to add your own stories, and maybe we can help each other.
Much love,
Nursie
June 13th, he drove to work instead of taking the train. He had been running late because he just found out he was going to be a father. That night, his girlfriend came banging on all my doors screaming and I knew this was the time. As I waited for my other brother to call me back after the police left, he confirmed, by identifying my brother's multiple tattoos, that he was dead. We could not see the body, as he had multiple collisions and was ejected from his truck. A part of me died and I am still so sick over this huge loss in my life.
I stayed quite pickled for about 6 weeks maybe? People came to help me, clean, take care of the kids, cook. I wrote the obituary, I said his eulogy. We buried his ashes on his beloved Chistmas tree farm which were his wishes,
Now I know I can't drink anymore and if my brother could never get sober, I still can. I can do it for him, for me, for our lost and dark childhood, and our bond.
But it's hard to grieve in recovery. All of your previous coping mechanisms are unhealthy and non-productive. You realize in order to heal, you must put the bottle down and begin the journey of grief. This has been by far the most difficult loss I have ever encountered and sometimes I still can't even believe he is gone.
So this is a thread about grief in recovery and anyone can add to it. You may see me write a lot about my dear brother, so if you don't want to read, you don't have to. But this is my therapy and it provides an outlet for what I am feeling every day of my life.
Feel free to add your own stories, and maybe we can help each other.
Much love,
Nursie
:h Antabuse is a wonderful safety-net. I'm so glad you're on it! 
This time 4 SURE! 
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