so ashamed

[santafepotter]

Though alcohol abuse run in my family, I never thought that I had the same problem. I drank a lot in college, and drank frequently in adulthood--usually I'd have a couple beers a night while relaxing. But I've been going to bars more and more alone, and staying until last call and getting way too drunk. My husband works nights and is often out of town, and there are many bars within walking distance. I say I want to just get out of the house and socialize, but I always end up doing something I regret.
The other night, I went to a work-related dinner with a colleague and got completely wasted (my colleague didn't have anything to drink). I completely embarrassed myself. To make matters worse, I walked home completely drunk and ended up going to another bar, where I ended up chatting with some guy. I was so drunk I don't even remember what he looked like, but apparently I gave him my number (he called me the next day, but I didn't answer) and I have a very, very blurry memory of him trying to kiss me outside the bar. I managed to get myself home after that, so nothing further happened, but I've been carrying around this guilt for days. All of this happened while my husband was out of town, and I don't want him to ever know about it. I love him and I can't believe I could do something like this. I keep thinking to myself: why the hell didn't I just go home after the embarrassing incident with my colleague? The bar where this happened is half a block away from my house, and my husband and I walk by it each night on the way to the grocery store. We even go there sometimes. I'm terrified of running into this guy again, especially if I'm with my husband. I'm so scared, ashamed, and depressed, and there's no one I can talk to.

[Kradle123]

so ashamed

Hi Santafe,

First a big hug, :l. Youve had a hard week but am rreally glad you found us. You will find a tremendous wealth of experience..many just like your week...and no judgement or shame here. I know that's super hard but you started out well.

I have the link to the newbie nest and the tool box in my signature. These are excellent places to start. Please try not to beat yourself up tonight. Get a nice cup of mint tea and crawl in bed.

Tomorrow we will al be here. Try to just relax tonight, maybe read some and then sleep.

Will check in tomorrow .
:bedtime:

:l

[Mootsbill]

so ashamed

Hi santa. I feel your pain when I used to drink I behaved lie this all the time. You now have to think this has happened you can't change it and it wasn't that bad. See it as a wake up call to your drinking habits. Use this site to gain knowledge and understanding and to help you with the drinking problems you have.
Big hugs xxx

[Lavande]

so ashamed

Hello & welcome to MWO Santafe!

I imagine we all have stories just as frustrating & embarrassing as yours. Don't beat yourself up but be sure to take steps to move on & don't let that happen again

Go to the Health store here on the site & download the MWO book, that's how I got started. And take a good look thru the https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html, it's filled with great ideas to help you put a good plan together for yourself!

Taking back control of my life by kicking AL out was undoubtedly the best thing I have ever done. You can do it too
Drop in the Newbies Nest thread for more support - you won't be sorry
Wishing you the best on your journey!

Lav

[Struggles 106]

so ashamed

HEY SANTAFE

Welcome! And don't worry-things can be better.
Are you really a potter? I used to be and i loved it.

You are not alone in this. I always found it helpful to read other's stories to confirm that I was not the WORST person in the world.

When I moved to my current place in Jan 2010, it wasn't long before I knew all the bars close by. I went to those bars, drank to oblivion and picked up men. It was beyond awful and there is no telling how many bullets I dodged while engaging in this behavior.
One of those men stuck around for 6 or 7 months, and frankly was a true sociopath. Looking back I now realize that he is a skilled manipulator and predatory monster.
I finally got rid of him and then got sober. After that I had a slip or two but that was the beginning of the reckoning-the facing of the facts. And the soul-searching to discover what the hell kind of life I wanted to live.

YOU CAN DO THIS! I know the dread you feel about going to that bar with your husband. It is a gut wrenching apprehension that is truly awful.

I hope you can stick around here and take advantage of all the great people here. their experience and insight. SO much support here to take for yourself as you go through the journey that we are all on.

Reallly try not to beat yourself up too much. Make a plan and please stick around here

[lizker]

so ashamed

I am not married but I can %100 relate. The bar hopping, spending money recklessly, making a total ass of myself while thinking iam having a good time. The guilt usually hits you like a ton of bricks and lingers for days or weeks. It is a horrible feeling but I think it is a good thing. It a way for the subconscious to remind us of the danger we are exposing ourselves to and to correct somethings. You will get over it just guard yourself from ever putting yourself in that position again.

[santafepotter]

so ashamed

Hi all,
Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words. It is truly a blessing to find a community like this.
This whole experience has definitely been a wake up call--I can't believe I would put myself in such physical danger or compromise my job or my loving relationship with my husband like this. I don't know how I allowed things to get so out of control. I have tried to stay alcohol free since this incident, but I'm still so overwhelmed by guilt and shame.
My husband returns from his business trip tonight, and while I'm excited to see him (we relocated for his job a few months ago, so all of my family and close friends are far away. With his long hours and frequent work trips, it's been really lonely), I'm still so terrified that he will find out what I've done. Not only that I kissed this other man--but that I behaved so recklessly. He wants to take me out to our favorite place for dinner tonight, and to get there , we will have to walk by this bar. I'm so overwhelmed with irrational terror that we will run into this man ( the fact that I don't really remember him adds to this, since it feels like it could be anyone) that I've been trying to come up with excuses for why we can't go. But I can't avoid walking by there forever. I have to return to work Monday as well, and I'm worried about what my colleague has told others about my truly obscene behavior. I've been trying to move on and put this behind me, but I'm still struggling so much. I am glad, though, to have found this place.
And yes---I really am a potter! It is something that has usually given me great comfort in difficult times, but even this hasn't been able to ease my anxiety and guilt.

[Mootsbill]

so ashamed

Hey, go for the dinner and don't think about the other man, chances are he was just as drunk and he's not going to approach you if your with your husband.
Put it behind you, it was not you it was the alcohol making you behave that way, if you stop drinking you will know you are trying to hardest to be a good, honest non irrational person who will wake up in the morning feeling good and without anxiety.
Im sure you feel very isolated living in a new area, why don't you look into evening groups especially if you do Pottery and Crafts this is a perfect thing to look into?
You are a good person, and a good wife, you can make all this right so don't worry xxx

[Kradle123]

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Hi Santfe,
This thread had helped me feel less alone when I begin thinking about my own unmentionable behavior.
https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...ing-22609.html

Tonight I had a wonderful talk with my best friends husband. The reason this is important is last August I had my twins sleep over at my friiends house with her twins. She got so wasted she attacked my girls, left marks and drunkenly explained to them how I was keeping the truth about Jehovah from them...she is becoming J. Witness...

I am wanting to move on. I still love her. She was one of my closest people. She has been sober since it happened but we haven't spoken. It's been hard on everyone but we are moving past it and hopefully the good at came from that is she stays sober.

Try to sleep tonight and rest tommorrow.:l

[scottishman]

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just put it behind you, if you run into the guy with your hubby walk on by, i doubt he'd bring it up, let sleeping dogs lie, i should know, i have more cupboard skeletons than bill clinton

[kuya]

so ashamed

HIDEHI Scottishman........where the feck have you been??

[gyco]

so ashamed

life

santafepotter;1485303 wrote: Hi all,
Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words. It is truly a blessing to find a community like this.
This whole experience has definitely been a wake up call--I can't believe I would put myself in such physical danger or compromise my job or my loving relationship with my husband like this. I don't know how I allowed things to get so out of control. I have tried to stay alcohol free since this incident, but I'm still so overwhelmed by guilt and shame.
My husband returns from his business trip tonight, and while I'm excited to see him (we relocated for his job a few months ago, so all of my family and close friends are far away. With his long hours and frequent work trips, it's been really lonely), I'm still so terrified that he will find out what I've done. Not only that I kissed this other man--but that I behaved so recklessly. He wants to take me out to our favorite place for dinner tonight, and to get there , we will have to walk by this bar. I'm so overwhelmed with irrational terror that we will run into this man ( the fact that I don't really remember him adds to this, since it feels like it could be anyone) that I've been trying to come up with excuses for why we can't go. But I can't avoid walking by there forever. I have to return to work Monday as well, and I'm worried about what my colleague has told others about my truly obscene behavior. I've been trying to move on and put this behind me, but I'm still struggling so much. I am glad, though, to have found this place.
And yes---I really am a potter! It is something that has usually given me great comfort in difficult times, but even this hasn't been able to ease my anxiety and guilt.

i read your thread yesterday and took a day to try to understand it other then going out and getting loaded you did nothing wrong yes you did put your self in harms way but how many people not just women do that when theyve drank to much,your addressing the problem by finding this site,that is a great 1st step,you obviously care for your husband so much that you DIDNT do nothing but a kiss,and you some what remember that,but you did wake up in the morning in your own bed alone, maybe youll go by the bar and see the gentleman that you didnt with and he will just smile and understand why you didnt i wish you well life is to short to worry about something you didnt do :goodjob:

[jenniech]

so ashamed

The past is the past. You can't change it. However, I can relate to what you are going through. I remember those feelings of paranoia, remorse, shame and guilt. They are awful feelings.....but you need to package them up and put them in a box to deal with later after you have some sober time under your belt. Dwelling in them now will not help you. You need to be more gentle with yourself! Stop beating yourself up....it won't help anything and it will drag you down to the bottle. Try to focus on the time you will spend with your husband.

Although I highly doubt it would happen, if you happen to run into this guy on your way to the restaurant, you don't need to worry because you are NOT the person that did anything with him. It was your drunk self. It was the alcohol. This disease turns us into two completely different people. The drunk self and the sober self. So be a sober, confident wife knowing you would NEVER do what your drunk self did....and then use that as a tool to stay sober so you don't turn into that person again...that person who is causing you so much pain right now. You don't need that in your life!