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No fooling -- April 2013 AF

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    #301
    No fooling -- April 2013 AF

    OK time for me to be completely honest....tomorrow is 90 days and despite my best efforts to push the thoughts away, I keep thinking about drinking.....not that I want one NOW but the thought is there for the future. Why? Why is this happening to me now??
    So annoying!!!!
    GO AWAY AL THOUGHTS!!!!!!!
    I just won't anymore

    Comment

      #302
      No fooling -- April 2013 AF

      I agree jenniech, GO AWAY AL thoughts!!!
      On a mission, and the only option is success. My family and I deserve a better life, an AF life.:h

      Comment

        #303
        No fooling -- April 2013 AF

        Last night I finally slept a little better. But I had my first dream about AL. I was sitting there, drinking something out of the bottle and then there was an earthquake or something and everything was thrown into disarray. The earthquake lasted for quite a while. The bottle sort of levitated and got just out of my reach. It very slowly started to overturn and I stuck my glass out as far as I could to catch the last few drops and nothing more came out.

        That pretty much sums up my feelings about AL! I guess Antabuse is the earthquake in my dream - shaking things up for me.

        Have a great weekend everyone!
        Well it's all right now. I've learned my lesson well. You see you can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself.

        Comment

          #304
          No fooling -- April 2013 AF

          what happened? everyone left this thread!! Anyway, I am happy to report that the 90 day thing came and went. I tied so much emotional garbage to it and started fantasizing about drinking. But, I kept reading posts, came on here and laid it out there, and got the responses I needed and now my head feels right again. I like being sober so much. There is not one good reasons to throw it away. NOT ONE.

          Had dinner last night in town with friends. They each had two drinks and I was so surprised how the behavior changed after just two!! It was fun.... I stuck to my AF beer (I was never a beer drinker so it doesn't mess with my head)....but then I kept thinking, if their buzz is so obvious to me and they only had two drinks, imagine how I must have seemed when i was drinking. Because, of course, if this was a year ago, I would have had at least two glasses of wine before we even got to the restaurant. I always thought no one knew that I was drunk. HA!!! Well, maybe those without a trained eye wouldn't have realized but most probably did.
          Anyway, I feel much better psychologically than I did a couple of days ago, anticipating the 90 day thing.....it is really just another day .....
          I just won't anymore

          Comment

            #305
            No fooling -- April 2013 AF

            God, that's scary, isn't it Jennie! I was the same and I shudder to think how many people knew I was impaired when I thought I was just funny and charming:yukko: Good for you for enjoying yourself without AL. Maybe you'll become a role model for sobriety among your group.

            Well, my husband is leaving today. He's moving not too far away. About a year ago he told me he "doesn't feel like being married right now" but he never left. So a week and a half ago I finally told him he had to make a choice - stay and commit to fixing our marriage or move out. He chose to leave, though it's not the decision I had hoped he'd make. I'm hoping he just needs some space to get his head right - mid-life crisis and all.

            Since he decided to leave it's been really strange. We get along really good as friends, but I need more than that. He is not affectionate with me at all. I don't get hugs, kisses, hand-holding, or any other form of - umm - physical intimacy. And I haven't for years. He just isn't willing to give me what I need - I don't think I'm asking too much. We discuss things related to him leaving and the possibility of eventually divorcing with very little emotion, but I think he is very cruel to expect me to just accept this. But I do - I don't rant and rave about it because that would give him justification (in his mind) for why he has to leave. So here I sit, stoic but absolutely dying inside.

            So I'm really glad for Antabuse right now. Without it I'd definitely crawl into a bottle and just give up. Now drinking isn't an option and I can deal with this situation sober and reasonable.
            Well it's all right now. I've learned my lesson well. You see you can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself.

            Comment

              #306
              No fooling -- April 2013 AF

              Jenniech, So proud of your 90 days, left you a message at the NN congratulating you! I know EXACTLY what you mean discussing your feelings after reaching that day, I felt the same when I reached my 30 day mark. I just tried to remind myself that you know what, I don't want to go back to day one, so I guess even though my feelings/mood are all over the place, I do know one thing, I'd rather have tomorrow be day 31 than Day 0!!

              Siren, so sad that you are having a rough patch, I wish I could give you a hug :l, just focus on you and know that you deserve everything that you have described. So proud that despite dealing with this stress and turmoil you know what is needed in order to have a better life for you! Sending positive vibes your way.

              I made it through another birthday dinner/party last night AF (even though there were toasts and all). You know what, I may finally be getting the hang of this!!

              Almost to the end of a April AF month...Yeah!!!!! :h
              On a mission, and the only option is success. My family and I deserve a better life, an AF life.:h

              Comment

                #307
                No fooling -- April 2013 AF

                Siren
                So sorry to hear about your troubles....That sounds like a very sad situation. Here is my cyber hug to you :huggy
                I wish there was something I can do to make things better but know that I am here if you want to vent!!! It sounds like your are handling this in a very sober and thoughtful way....

                Halo: you sound very good!! Yes, almost through another month AF....what a great feeling. And even better, the weather is simply beautiful....my flowers are blooming and the birds are singing. I can really stop and smell the flowers now that my mind is not saddled with a hangover!!!
                I just won't anymore

                Comment

                  #308
                  No fooling -- April 2013 AF

                  Hi all, arrived home to houseguest (long planned and very welcome!). Had a lovely weekend with them but had limited internet time. Happy to report end of 24 consecutive AF days/nights for me.

                  Siren, I am thinking of you and sending you strength to stay strong during this period.

                  Jenniech, congrats on 90 days. A major accomplishment, indeed.

                  Halo, ready to keep posting during May. The thread helps keep me on the sober path.

                  Warmest, Free
                  Free at Last
                  "What you seek is seeking you." -- Rumi

                  Highly recommend this video
                  http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

                  July 19, 2013 -- the beginning of being Free at Last

                  Comment

                    #309
                    No fooling -- April 2013 AF

                    Hi all, just checking in to report another AF day/night for me. Traveling tomorrow evening and Wed most of the day. Will check in when I can.
                    Stay strong!
                    Free at Last
                    "What you seek is seeking you." -- Rumi

                    Highly recommend this video
                    http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

                    July 19, 2013 -- the beginning of being Free at Last

                    Comment

                      #310
                      No fooling -- April 2013 AF

                      Safe travels, Free!

                      I had a weird experience yesterday. After having no positive thoughts about AL for weeks, I spent a 2-hour flight last evening in a MIND BATTLE! I was feeling so tired of all of this -- tired of not drinking, tired of thinking about not drinking, tired of planning how I am going to handle things, tired of feeling 'different' -- just everything seemed like too much. Mostly, I think I was just plain tired. By the time I got home, the battle was no longer raging and the 'new me' had prevailed (although I felt pretty beat up).

                      BUT THEN, I had my first ever 'drinking dream'. It was just one glass of wine that I was sort of coerced into drinking (I know -- in real life it is a choice but in my dream I was forced to do it !). As I woke up, I was DEVASTATED. My mind was racing, trying to figure out how to 'un-do' this or to justify it here so I didn't have to 'start over' (could I lie about it and still go on??? I was trying to think of anything                       to make this ok). I had the sense that I didn't enjoy it and was just so panicky about having done it. My heart rate was off the charts!

                      After all that, I am just about as drained today as I was last evening but I think it was a good experience. I sure don't want to feel as awful in my real life as I did while coming out of that dream. I think it came up because I have an upcoming social obligation where I am going to likely be perceived as either No Fun or Holier-than-Thou. Maybe I was trying to work out that event in advance. I think it might have worked - I feel totally Scared Straight!!!

                      Strength to all of you! :h NS

                      Comment

                        #311
                        No fooling -- April 2013 AF

                        Interesting dream, nosugar. I can relate to being tired of not drinking, and tired of thinking of not drinking. I made it to my 30 days on April 10 and then quit counting the days. Didn't drink, but just needed a break. My cravings are mounting, so I am back and will be posting on May Day or some Day One for May first. Want to stay sober, but weird cravings this week have been haunting me. The slippery slope is at my feet.

                        Comment

                          #312
                          No fooling -- April 2013 AF

                          halfway content;1499097 wrote: Interesting dream, nosugar. I can relate to being tired of not drinking, and tired of thinking of not drinking. I made it to my 30 days on April 10 and then quit counting the days. Didn't drink, but just needed a break. My cravings are mounting, so I am back and will be posting on May Day or some Day One for May first. Want to stay sober, but weird cravings this week have been haunting me. The slippery slope is at my feet.
                          Hi, Halfway

                          So many people disappear from MWO after about 30 days or so. Milestones are great but they also can lead to big downfalls.

                          I think posting in the roll call past 30 days is a good tool as is posting in general. Plus, active threads are good for everyone so I hope the May one is busy!!

                          Have a good day and sweet                           dreams to you :H !

                          :h NS

                          Comment

                            #313
                            No fooling -- April 2013 AF

                            Hi Halfway, great to hear from you. I understand about not counting days, but am glad to hear you are continuing on your path. Look forward to hearing from you in May.

                            NoSugar, that was some dream. Must be working out some issues, maybe as you say, the upcoming social obligation.

                            There must be something in the air because I am having intense thoughts about alcohol. Am at the airport lounge right now, sipping on my seltzer water and lime, but it took enormous will power not to order a glass of red wine. I thought about it for almost the entire cab ride to the airport. Knowing that if I drank I would not make my 30 day goal, and would need to post it here was the saving grace. I will board the plane, order more SW&L and end 26 consecutive AF days.
                            Free at Last
                            "What you seek is seeking you." -- Rumi

                            Highly recommend this video
                            http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

                            July 19, 2013 -- the beginning of being Free at Last

                            Comment

                              #314
                              No fooling -- April 2013 AF

                              I am having a HORRIBLE day. Those little bottles of Crap Wine looked good to me at the store just now.

                              Comment

                                #315
                                No fooling -- April 2013 AF

                                Gosh, I'm having a bad day, today, too. No thoughts of AL, but I'm just exhausted all the time!
                                Well it's all right now. I've learned my lesson well. You see you can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself.

                                Comment

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