Starting out? You might want to read this
Help me help him
BHOG;1487452 wrote: I wrote this in response to a particular individual. Many of the others who read it afterwords suggested I post it here. So, here you are. Please read, comment if you would like. PM me if you want to talk a little more privately.
My best to all of you, and as I am fond of saying,
STAY STRONG
When I decided to get sobered up, one of the major factors in my success was this site. It made me accountable to other people. While my wife supported my decision to quit, she was not about to "get between you and your habits." We had been down that road too many times, and I would become resentful of her telling me "you said you would quit." Then we would get into an arguement...I'm sure you know that road.
For me, having an agreement with myself to report my failures as well as my success to a group seemed to be a good tool.
When I really got serious about working through my alcoholism, I was on this site a great deal of the time. Posting as often as every hour, every 30 minutes, getting strength from others here who had been down my road. I had some great mentors, who would provide incredible postive comments when I did well, as well as constructive criticism when needed.
I also wrote down a plan. I did not want to go from 2 bottles of wine a night to zero in one day. So I wrote it down, and within two weeks could go a whole day without drinking. Then up to two, etc.
Did it go perfect? HELL NO! I slipped, I stumbled, I got drunk; I got back up, dusted myself off, and went back to work. It took about 1 to 1.5 years to get it right. I felt like a total failure when I fell, but when I succeeded in being successful for even a day, I felt powerful!
Part of the reason it took so long, in retrospect, is I thought I could moderate my consumption. And I could, to a point. But it seemed to me, and to the wife, that I could last about two weeks, then off the deep end. Then angry words would be said, tempers would be lost, and damage done. I finally came to the conclusion that I could not moderate at all, I needed to quit, and never go back.
Why did I drink? For all the regular reasons: rough childhood, bad day at work, stress over money, over inlaws, parents, and children. Because it was a sunny day and we were enjoying the deck in the evening. Perhaps because the sun came up, I would have a bloody mary. Perhaps because it was expected in my profession. Reality, it did not matter why I drank, I just did.
Perhaps because I was a fool.
I think I told you before, I write. I work on political points of view, on very personal poetry, and current events. I was of the opinion that my writing was better when I drank, and at that time I did not know any better, because I was always drinking. As I dried out, my writing became very rough, very uneven. But, when I finally acheived sobriety, my writing became much better, I achieved some of my personal goals, and am working on others.
Long story short, it is your life we are talking about here. You need to make the decision, will I let alcohol control the balance of my life, or will I control it? When you make that decision, make it firmly, write it down. Put it where you can see it every day. Create a plan, explain to your self exactly how you will succeed, what steps you need to take to succeed. Then, work the plan, follow it, keep yourself on track.
Don't be afraid to use the resources here. On this site, as I think you probably know, are people in various stages of recovery, or healing. Some of those people will never make the commitment to sober up, or even to moderate. Some are here just for the attention they crave. Others, to "pay it forward" and be the mentor and support for someone else, just as others worked to help them. BUT, by and large, people here are trying to get a grip, just like you. Talk with them, learn from all of us. You can do this.
I hope I have not bored you with this lengthy wandering dissertation. If I can help in any way, I am here for you.Please excuse me if I've responded incorrectly; but I want to thank you for your msg.
I'm not alcoholic; in fact I've always been a tee-totaler; but I want to help my husband.
We both will be 80 this year and still trying to help his addiction. It would be helpful to me if you could tell me what things your wife has said or done to help (also what things she does that are very unproductive). He got on baclofen in 2010 after trying everything over the years. He actually stopped drinking while on it; but neither his family doctor nor his psychiatrist would prescribe above 30 mg. I had read Dr. Ameisen's book and ordered more baclofen online (is that illegal?) and we got up to 60 mg. but I became nervous about the quality of the pills and he stopped taking them. Of course, he began drinking again. I'm going to try to find a way to get to the doctor in Cgo. who will help us on the baclofen program (Dr. Levine?). If you could help me with what would be most encouraging to my husband, I would really appreciate it. I probably won't be able to even find your response if you read this... I'm not good at forums and only use the computer for the word processing program and email; but I'll really endeavor to get back to this page. Thank you again for your remarks. - Eileen
Help me help him
BHOG;1487452 wrote: I wrote this in response to a particular individual. Many of the others who read it afterwords suggested I post it here. So, here you are. Please read, comment if you would like. PM me if you want to talk a little more privately.
My best to all of you, and as I am fond of saying,
STAY STRONG
When I decided to get sobered up, one of the major factors in my success was this site. It made me accountable to other people. While my wife supported my decision to quit, she was not about to "get between you and your habits." We had been down that road too many times, and I would become resentful of her telling me "you said you would quit." Then we would get into an arguement...I'm sure you know that road.
For me, having an agreement with myself to report my failures as well as my success to a group seemed to be a good tool.
When I really got serious about working through my alcoholism, I was on this site a great deal of the time. Posting as often as every hour, every 30 minutes, getting strength from others here who had been down my road. I had some great mentors, who would provide incredible postive comments when I did well, as well as constructive criticism when needed.
I also wrote down a plan. I did not want to go from 2 bottles of wine a night to zero in one day. So I wrote it down, and within two weeks could go a whole day without drinking. Then up to two, etc.
Did it go perfect? HELL NO! I slipped, I stumbled, I got drunk; I got back up, dusted myself off, and went back to work. It took about 1 to 1.5 years to get it right. I felt like a total failure when I fell, but when I succeeded in being successful for even a day, I felt powerful!
Part of the reason it took so long, in retrospect, is I thought I could moderate my consumption. And I could, to a point. But it seemed to me, and to the wife, that I could last about two weeks, then off the deep end. Then angry words would be said, tempers would be lost, and damage done. I finally came to the conclusion that I could not moderate at all, I needed to quit, and never go back.
Why did I drink? For all the regular reasons: rough childhood, bad day at work, stress over money, over inlaws, parents, and children. Because it was a sunny day and we were enjoying the deck in the evening. Perhaps because the sun came up, I would have a bloody mary. Perhaps because it was expected in my profession. Reality, it did not matter why I drank, I just did.
Perhaps because I was a fool.
I think I told you before, I write. I work on political points of view, on very personal poetry, and current events. I was of the opinion that my writing was better when I drank, and at that time I did not know any better, because I was always drinking. As I dried out, my writing became very rough, very uneven. But, when I finally acheived sobriety, my writing became much better, I achieved some of my personal goals, and am working on others.
Long story short, it is your life we are talking about here. You need to make the decision, will I let alcohol control the balance of my life, or will I control it? When you make that decision, make it firmly, write it down. Put it where you can see it every day. Create a plan, explain to your self exactly how you will succeed, what steps you need to take to succeed. Then, work the plan, follow it, keep yourself on track.
Don't be afraid to use the resources here. On this site, as I think you probably know, are people in various stages of recovery, or healing. Some of those people will never make the commitment to sober up, or even to moderate. Some are here just for the attention they crave. Others, to "pay it forward" and be the mentor and support for someone else, just as others worked to help them. BUT, by and large, people here are trying to get a grip, just like you. Talk with them, learn from all of us. You can do this.
I hope I have not bored you with this lengthy wandering dissertation. If I can help in any way, I am here for you.Please excuse me if I've responded incorrectly; but I want to thank you for your msg.
I'm not alcoholic; in fact I've always been a tee-totaler; but I want to help my husband.
We both will be 80 this year and still trying to help his addiction. It would be helpful to me if you could tell me what things your wife has said or done to help (also what things she does that are very unproductive). He got on baclofen in 2010 after trying everything over the years. He actually stopped drinking while on it; but neither his family doctor nor his psychiatrist would prescribe above 30 mg. I had read Dr. Ameisen's book and ordered more baclofen online (is that illegal?) and we got up to 60 mg. but I became nervous about the quality of the pills and he stopped taking them. Of course, he began drinking again. I'm going to try to find a way to get to the doctor in Cgo. who will help us on the baclofen program (Dr. Levine?). If you could help me with what would be most encouraging to my husband, I would really appreciate it. I probably won't be able to even find your response if you read this... I'm not good at forums and only use the computer for the word processing program and email; but I'll really endeavor to get back to this page. Thank you again for your remarks. - Eileen
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