Losing friends.

[moni]

I'm angry, upset, disappointed. It's taken me a full week to even come here to share this horrible experience.
Last week, Saturday night, I went out for dinner for my Birthday with some friends. When it was being arranged the previous week we decided on a restaurant where you bring your own drink, that way I could bring my alcohol free wine and others could bring their wine, beer etc. There was no issue with that *at this point*. The night before the dinner I got a text message from a friend saying 'Do you have a problem with people drinking tomorrow evening'. I was a bit taken aback because prior to this message there was no issue, no comments from me .. nothing. I replied saying 'Hell no, I just won't be drinking myself - feel free to drink away, I'll carry you all home if neccessary' (trying to make light of it). Then when I thought about it I got the feeling that some discussion had taken place amongst them for this to suddenly arise. Anyway, I went out Sat evening. The night started off fine but as it progressed I got the general feeling I may as well not be there. After the meal we went to a bar, I could have gone home at this point but I was to that point enjoying myself and had no problems that I wasn't drinking alcohol.

That's when it all started going downhill. There were a few comments re. me not drinking. When somebody was going to the bar it became an 'issue'.. Regardless of others ordering unusual drinks it appeared my alcohol free beer was awkward to order. Then I just felt totally shut out of conversation to the degree that at one point my two friends began a discussion about how great their parents are doing for their age. Both my parents died suddenly last year and the pain of that is still so raw. I sat there in stunned silence wondering what the motive was, wondering was alcohol making them speak of something so sensitive to me or whether they just wanted to get rid of the dry one in the corner. I should add that I was by no means sitting there no fun etc.

I arrived home very upset by it all and it took me days to tell anybody, my counsellor actually pulled it out of me because she could see how upset I was. I just can't understand why other people have an issue that I'm not drinking when at this point (5 months today) I have no problem whatsoever going out and not drinking alcohol. As for the conversation that took place. I can't even dwell on that it hurts so much that so called friends would sit there and go on for 20 minutes knowing it's a very delegate topic right now.

Sorry, part of this is possibly not even to do with being AF but I really needed to get it off my chest.

[satz123]

Losing friends.

oh you poor pet !
Take a :l
Thankfully others more wise than I will row in and give great advice - but I can't be so elegant at the moment.
I say FUCK them !
Move on and do as your signature says - don't dwell ..... they are totally the ones with the issue.
Stay strong :h

[Guitarista]

Losing friends.

Hey Moni,

For me, when I've stopped the madness, i.e. boozing, it takes a bit of adjustment socially. I can be very fragile for months, and think the worst in all sorts of situations. I can imagine and exaggerate big time. They were probably not even aware of where you were at, regardless of whether they knew. Careful not to overthink it.

Yay on 5 months!

Take care mate.

[JackieClaire]

Losing friends.

Ahh Moni, come here a minute while I give you one of these :l

Firstly I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your parents. Very, very hard to deal with but so glad you have a counsellor you can go to.

Secondly you did absolutely nothing wrong. I'm afraid once that first drink is taken by your friends they were off on their usual pattern of drinking, regardless of who was there.

I'll tell a wee story here. I was about 3 months AF and we went to a wedding. One of those out in the country where a special bus is laid on and there is no escape until 1am. Father of the Bride comes to buy a round of drinks for 12 of us. 11 alcoholic drinks and an orange juice for me. Off he trots to the bar comes back with the drinks and forgets mine. To be honest I got a bit tearful and nearly had a f*** it moment. I had to let it pass but I was damned sure if we were out again I made sure I got my drink of choice. First.

Five months AF is nothing to be sneezed at and you're still learning. In fact I'm still learning and I'm a wee bit further down the line.

You did well to stick to your guns and next time say you do mind them drinking. Yes I am wicked.

[Lavande]

Losing friends.

Hi moni,

Congrats on your 5 month AF, great job!

So sorry your friends were so insensitive
Are they always like that? If they are then I'd say dump them, they can be replaced.
If it was the AL making them that way then I think I'd just have to tell them. Apparently they don't know that they becomme rude/insensitive when drinking.

We do have to learn to let go of these hurts & not internalize everything. It took a lot of effort for me to learn that but it's a good thing
Keep up the great work!!!

Lav

[moni]

Losing friends.

Thanks guys. I really did sit back and reflect on whether it was me being hypersensitive. That was why I was even slow to bring it up with my counsellor but having trashed it out and nothing added to the whole story, in fact leaving out the part where I got a text prior to my arrival berating me 'in case I would be late'. I struggle big time with what's 'just me' and what's really not acceptable behaviour.

Since my parents died I've struggled with life in general. A lot of friends distanced themselves not knowing how to react. The friends who came closer to me were those who also suffered a loss in the past and have been a tower of strength to me. Unfortunately none of them live nearby. I have 3 siblings (brothers) who never really contact me, in fact 1 of them didn't even send me as much as a happy birthday text for my birthday. It hurts and doesn't help getting my life back on track. I've isolated myself a lot due to other people's behaviour, preferring to be on my own than endure nastiness or insensitivity. I was pulling myself out of that in an effort to spend more time around people and upsets me to think it may not be possible.

[Lavande]

Losing friends.

moni,
I long to spend time with people, don't like being alone a whole lot. BUT if those people are not serving your best interest, it's better to leave them in your dust

I have long felt very alone on this planet. I also have three brothers who are completely useless to anyone but themselves. My kids are grown & my husband of nearly 40 years is having such emotional problems that he has bothered living at home for the past 3 years. I am learning to be my own best friend! I know I won't disappoint myself or do anything to hurt myself. I have lots of animals here who are actually pretty good company for the most part. I do look forward to meeting my former coworkers once a month or so for lunch & I spend a good deal of time with my grandkids.
Life does not always turn out as planned but we do have the ability to make the best of what we do have.

You never know what is right around the corner for you either soo stay open to new possibilities

Lav

[Struggles 106]

Losing friends.

Hey Moni

That's an interesting story. I'm sorry for your loss and the insensitivity of your friends.
I don't know, maybe it's time for new friends. FIVE MONTHS is so great! And as we all know it doesn't take much to shatter us sometimes; we can be that fragile.

I recall being made fun of for ordering N/A beer before. I wondered what the hell the big deal was. I don't drink that anymore since I found that it just led me back to real beer, but people can be so weird.

Thank you for sharing that, and I'm glad you were able to tell your therapist. Your feelings are real and can't be invalidated. For me I know I can't, and don't want to, be around a bunch of drinking. I simply can't. Maybe drinking has been associated with "fun" for so long that I'll never feel comfortable around it. ?? I can always think of other stuff to do that would actually be fun.

Take care and good job on 5 months! You gotta be proud.

[spiderwoman]

Losing friends.

So sorry for the loss of your parents, its something you only ever get used to I think and you haven't even had time to do that. Stopping drinking is a massive lifestyle change on top . I think reading what you said your friends were drinking on incredibly empty heads! my best friend still drinks like a fish and when she's had a couple comes out with all kinds of things that would be best left unsaid.

Five months is a long time, I'm a couple of weeks behind you, like you I had a rotten birthday this year too but these people are just going to have to get used to the new "you" because I think we will change over the next year or so as we adapt to being AF and 100% rational at all times (unlike the times when we've been on the way to oblivion by 7pm).

Your signature says it all and you've got the strength to carry on :l:l

[pingu1997]

Losing friends.

it takes a long long time to adjust to a life without drinking, especially when those around you are, and worse still if they aren't aware of your situation
I won't go into details, but for me something changed after about 18 months where I was much more comfortable about things, it does get better
Being around severely pissed people really gets on my goat now, I know I shouldn't feel like that but I do. I just want to shout and scream and tell them they are eejits...
You will find your own persona, and people will either get used to it or bugger off. I've been called boring, not the same, no fun, the damn lot, but I stuck to my guns and it has all passed now, and I've finally been accepted by most (sadly not all) as someone who does not drink. At all

Much love P3x

[Eve11]

Losing friends.

moni;1491781 wrote:
I just can't understand why other people have an issue that I'm not drinking when at this point (5 months today) I have no problem whatsoever going out and not drinking alcohol.

This isn't about you moni. In my opinion it's because the people you were with treating you that way have issues with their own drinking that they don't want to face and your not drinking reminds them of that and they don't like it. Sometimes in this whole process of changing our lifestyle we need to change certain friends as well. You want to be with people supporting your recovery, not undermining it.

:l
Eve11

[jenniech]

Losing friends.

I thought the same thing Eve just said.
First off, I am so sorry for your loss. My father died many years ago and it is still a very sensitive issue for me so I sort of get what you are feeling
If I put myself in your friends shoes, this is what I see: They see you, a very good friend, able to stop drinking despite such a horrible loss. They don't understand how you can do it (because of their denial) I think they are jealous of your strength and fortitude. I think that the conversation at the bar about their parents was without a thought about you. They were too drunk to be rational, caring, inclusive friends. If they are true friends, they could never have been so insensitive. It wasn't about you....it was about their own drunken stupors.

[Persephone1]

Losing friends.

Happy Belated Birthday Moni! I think the particularly crappy thing about this is that it was YOUR birthday celebration and clearly You were not the guest of Honor; Alcohol was. I'm Learning that my 'ol 'drinking buddies' have totally different parameters, IF they end up staying in my life at all. And attempting to spend a Special day with them would more than likely develop and end as yours did. I hope you can plan another day to Celebrate YOU with a group that can be present for you in the way you deserve. This is a crazy adjustment, right?

I am also so sorry for the loss of your parents. Grateful that you have a therapist to help you thru the grieving. Keep leaning on your MWO family too, we will support you always. :l

All the Best, P.