Day 2

[Nightshade]

Still feeling embarresed and ashamed of my behaviour. Reminders are all around me. Read your thread, free at last, and if I keep a record on here of my antics hopefully I too will be AF. I guzzle wine and wine only. Just kicking it up to a bottle plus most nights.
I've wanted to quit for a while but after a few days I think it's ok again. Well here I am starting to open up which is great for me. I am a secretive person by nature. So day 2, still sad, but positive. Thanks guys:l

[spotlessmind]

Day 2

Hi Nightshade

Well done on day 2. Just starting out here too so hoping to use this forum to read up and put a plan into action to string some long term AF days together.

Best of luck to you

[LostSoul33]

Day 2

Awesome job! I am also on Day 2.

I have been a HEAVY drinker for the past 4 years. Meaning not a day went by that I havent had a drink. The idea of being sober scares me because Ive only dealt with life drunk.

It started off with pot smoking in high school and then college, everyday. I stopped for a few years once I started working but would still get loaded when I went out to a party (pretty often). Then in my mid-twenties, I would have a glass or two of wine a night to "unwind" while still smoking pot to fall asleep.

By the time I was 30, I was drinking about a bottle of wine every night and then 6 drinks in one sitting while out socially.

About 2 years ago, everything around me collapsed, I lost my relationship, my career most likely because of my addiction to alcohol. So, instead of dealing with my reality, I was so depressed that I just drank more and upped my drink of choice to hard liquor. I would drink from the moment I woke up to the minute I passed out. Living off my savings from the high powered career I lost due to my careless behaviour.

Everything I did throughout the day depended on alcohol - I would walk to a bar and drink alone and pick up from the liquor store to make sure I had enough before I ran out. I went from being a social butterfly to a closet drinker with nothing. The funny thing is that nobody knew. I was drinking vodka in a water bottle all day long. Living a secret life. Even my recent boyfriend who doesnt drink didnt know, which is strange because I couldnt remember 80% of our conversations but it was never brought up so I figured if the person closest to me didnt think i was a drunk no one would. But the joke has been on me.

For the past 5 months, it got worse, I have been drinking up 4 to 5 750 ml bottles of vodka per week, all alone. I gave up all hobbies, dont go to social gatherings anymore because I am either already too drunk or just prefer to keep drinking alone. I actually dont want people to see me drink-- talk about living a double life. These people must suspect something in my behaviour or just think Im crazy. My boyfriend just broke up with me because he couldnt take my "moodiness" and horrible temper (I never had one when I wasnt drunk) and I barely have any friends because I had managed to fight with all of them or just act selfishly by not being there for them.

Two weeks ago when I went to throw out my stash of bottles, I counted 12-- I had drank them in less than 3 weeks. The visual of me throwing away each bottle in the dumpster is what did it. I am done with living this disgusting life.

These are the changes I have made so far, last week, I tapered off the booze to 2 drinks a day and even skipped 3 days out of the week altogether. Im shaky, tired as hell, craving alcohol but getting through it. My doctor gave me some xanex (i told him it was for anxiety) so thats helping with edginess. I sent out my resume and got a number of calls back, this will be the first time I am working in 2 years.

I didnt drink Saturday or Sunday but had 4 drinks on Monday. Not proud about that but its Wednesday and I havent drank yesterday or today. I am going to bed feeling good that I have FINALLY opened up about this secret life I have been leading for so long.

Tomorrow I have a job interview and I hope it goes well. I have to become a functioning member of society again-- I have a great education and resume and my whole life ahead of me to meet a man, get married and have a babies. I cannot be alone anymore. I am committed to doing this and through this forum I dont feel alone. You have no idea what a release this has been.
So now that you know my story, I hope you will join me in my journey in restoring my life. I plan to take it one day at a time and if you dont mind, I plan to share this experience with you. Ive never posted on a forum before, just read others' stories while sipping a drink hoping that one day I had the strength not only admit I had a problem but to speak up about it and do something about it. You have all in your own way inspired to to get on this path. I envy all of you and thank you for giving me this time to listen.

[Nightshade]

Day 2

Thank you

Thank you spotless mind, it was lovely to hear from you. Chuffed to bits to have a reply. I was feeling very low earlier. I also had a reply to my apologies from a girl who got me home, hope we can build a new friendship.
LostSoul33 yes let's do it. I too have always been reluctant to open up on anything public, just lurk in the background. It is kind of liberating. I so far have been lucky in a way I've always been forgiven but never can I forgive myself. I have to go to the pub tonight as hubby wants an end of the week drink. (We're in the Middle East) lol, should be easy not to drink here! Anyway, I am driving and looking forward to looking it in the 'glass' and saying thank you but no, not worth it.
Still early days, from what I've been reading day 4 is a test.
Two things I am reading/read lately that helps is the chimp paradox Dr Steve Peters and Dr Gabor Mate on a US channel called democracy now. Do a search, I'm not cleverer enough to paste the link. Dr Gabor talks about addictions and ADHD I absolutely believed everything he had to say. Read it instead of having a drink later and let me know what you think. Until Day 3. Spotlessmind can keep us on the straight and narrow

[Siren136]

Day 2

Wow you guys, for all you have been through you all sound pretty strong. I am also a closet drinker and no one, including my husband, knew how much I drank. I never really counted as I would switch between wine and vodka but it was way too much.

There is usually someone on this site as we have members all over the world. However, if you ever come and post and no one replies - just wait a while. Go over to the Newbie's Nest and read through the posts - you'll find lots of people who have been and are going through exactly what you are.

I want to post something here by a real inspiration - NoSugar.

NoSugar;1496430 wrote: I reminded myself of several things I need to be thinking about and doing), I'll post my list. It is not the concise document I had hoped for (UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR) but as Byrdie pointed out, I have tried EVERYTHING that I considered at all a reasonable suggestion and different things are done at various times --- some for a couple days, a couple weeks, a couple months, and a few, forever!!

Please don’t think I am trying to tell anyone else what to do! These ‘commands’ are directed at me but some might work for you, too. They assume that you want to be permanently AF. Although that was not my original goal, it evolved into that within a few weeks. Furthermore, most of these ideas can be found somewhere in the Nest or Toolbox -- copyright violations abound here as well as does theft of intellectual property – most of my ideas were generated by all of you!!

- Stop lurking; get the guts to sign up and get some help.

- Get all alcohol out of your environment, including anywhere you have hidden it.

- Spend your former drinking time reading and posting – at least daily and if possible, throughout the day. If MWO isn’t busy, read old posts. The actors change but the script is pretty much the same.

- From your reading, figure out who has a voice you can relate to and then ask questions. Pay attention to the answers, even when they aren’t what you wanted to hear.

- Answer questions when you have an idea that just might be what someone needs to hear. Keep an eye out for people who might need a friend.

- Try to be encouraging without enabling or excusing bad choices. Have the courage to speak up when you think someone is sabotaging a stated goal.

- Post even when you are uncomfortable doing it. Let people know the real you. You can remain anonymous and you have nothing to lose. It is liberating to have nothing to hide!

- If you need to, use PMs and e-mails but try to do most of the hard work on the boards where everyone can benefit from the process and you will be exposed to more than one source.

- Promise yourself to always be honest here and to tell the whole story (including the parts you’ve been trying to hide from even yourself).

- Promise to pause and come here to read and post before you take a drink. Give someone time to help you. By the time you’ve paused and posted, you may have saved yourself!

- Post until just the horrible thought of posting that you drank is enough to make you change your mind.

- Use language that reflects your intentions and the truth; I will not drink, not I hope I don't; I chose to drink, not I slipped; I'm going to order soda water and lime, not I'll probably order some non-AL beverage; etc. Visualize yourself doing (or not) these things.

- Aside from taking care of your dependents and doing your job, put attaining sobriety first and foremost all of the time. Do not feel guilty about this – it doesn’t last forever.

- Make plans for particular situations you know you will face and contingent plans for the inevitable surprises.

- Plan your responses to uncomfortable comments and questions.

- Avoid books, stores, movies, friends, activities, etc. that you strongly associate with drinking or that trigger an unwanted response.

- Don’t worry that you think about this all the time – worry if you don’t. Someday you won’t need to.

- Don’t judge people who take a different path to sobriety but help them when you can and avoid people whose choices make you question your commitment to an alcohol-free life – this applies to online and offline life.

- If you aren’t finding what you need in the Nest or Toolbox – look elsewhere! You never know what perfect post you’ll read or wonderful friend you’ll meet.

- Participate in a thread on a topic that interests you – there is more to life than problems with alcohol, even on MWO!

- Don’t let angst, drama, or toxic people derail you – both in real life and online.

- Don’t judge yourself or worry about reeling emotions. You aren’t going crazy and this settles down soon enough.

- Eat in a way that makes you feel healthy and strong.

- Exercise when that makes you feel better but rest when you need to.

- Do whatever you want to do as long as you don’t drink.

The most important thing, I think, is to use the power of the community that a forum such as this provides, allowing you to achieve something you could not do on your own:

- Reach out to people ahead of you. They’ve been there. It is unlikely that anything you say will shock them. They want to help or they would no longer be participating. You won’t want to disappoint them– it would make you feel awful to have wasted their time and effort.

- Reach out to people behind you. You have just experienced the pain, confusion, fear, sorrow, guilt… that they are now suffering. You can still feel it but you also know that it doesn’t last forever. Tell them! You won’t want to let them down – they want to believe you and are counting on you.

- Reach out to people at about the same stage. It is always nice to have peers and compare notes. Harness the power of a mini-group – you’ll be greater than the sum of your parts. You won’t want to not be there for your friends and you sure don’t want to be left behind!


I hope one or more things in that list can be the tipping point for someone --- I've got a glimpse of it now and life is better on the other side.

Much love to all of you, NS :h

[Nightshade]

Day 2

Siren136 thanks for repostingn NS's thread, just what I needed to read, cannot believe in a moment of madness I was considering just the one or thinking what a shame no more drunken Thursdays, falling asleep before the end of a movie. Have so many half movies to watch, sadly I usually keep face by googling how the film ends? Brushed the thought straight from my mind. Will keep posting all my thoughts and actions as a way of freeing myself and not letting anyone down. I feel ready to spill all at long last. Many thanks to all who post.

[LostSoul33]

Day 2

Thank you Siren136, just what i needed to read. Today is the worst. I am shaking, i cant think, my ears are ringing and my body looks bloated all over. Im having a very hard time and tonight is my bestfriends bday. Booze will be flowing everywhere. I automatically take a cab to anything I am obliged to go to because I always have alcohol in my system. Im struggling with the thought of being in contact with my drinking friends and being tempted to have 1, 2, 3 who knows. I dont know if driving my own car there will be enough of a reason to abstain. Its just too new for me. I also know if i take a cab i am throwing in the towel and WILL drink. My will power isnt strong enough. I am so torn. I just want to stay in bed all day.
Nightshade, we are in this together. feel free to message me. Im not going far for a while

[Phin]

Day 2

LostSoul33;1496986 wrote: Thank you Siren136, just what i needed to read. Today is the worst. I am shaking, i cant think, my ears are ringing and my body looks bloated all over. Im having a very hard time and tonight is my bestfriends bday. Booze will be flowing everywhere. I automatically take a cab to anything I am obliged to go to because I always have alcohol in my system. Im struggling with the thought of being in contact with my drinking friends and being tempted to have 1, 2, 3 who knows. I dont know if driving my own car there will be enough of a reason to abstain. Its just too new for me. I also know if i take a cab i am throwing in the towel and WILL drink. My will power isnt strong enough. I am so torn. I just want to stay in bed all day.
Nightshade, we are in this together. feel free to message me. Im not going far for a while

I understand how you feel about willpower not being enough. I wish I even have will power. Here I am my Day 1 for the bizillinth time and I am faced with awful stress-my daughter is cutting, and all I want to do is numb myself.

[K9Lover]

Day 2

Nightshade,
Congrats on day 2! My advice to you would be to NOT forget your embarrassing behavior. Don't dwell on it, but don't forget it either. Thinking of what I did drunk is enough to keep me sober, even after all this time!

Try to change how you "see" alcohol. Instead of feeling deprived: "I can't drink!", try to develop a feeling of being grateful: "I'm so glad I don't have to drink anymore" You'd be suprised how little things can help.