Here I go again!

[Buddysmom]

I am AF now for 3 days, and this is not my first rodeo. It got so bad this time I have lost all focus in my life and am causing some serious financial trouble for my family. I have never felt like such a failure in my life. Why my husband keeps trusting me I don't know, but even now he is being supportive.

I have been sober for long stints in the past few years, but it doesn't seem to hold. And two years ago I started on vicodin for some serious back pain, but continued to use it even when I didn't have pain, and mixed it with alcohol. I hit a wall last Monday and couldn't function anymore, and Tuesday I called a place called the Living Center to start intensive outpatient (they wanted me to do inpatient, but I couldn't cut it financially) therapy AGAIN. I had this same therapy 6 years ago. I have my first session tomorrow, and my primary care Doc has taken me off of work for at least a month. I have never taken time off to work on myself, so I hope this will help me build a better foundation for my sobriety. I am 52 years old and started drinking when I was probably 14. I want to be done.

I have tried this site before and when I logged in regularly it helped. I am hopeful it will help again.

:b&d:

[kuya]

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Hi Buddysmom and welcome again.

As you said logging in regularly really helps and posting often to get your head straight.

I hope this will be your last and successful effort to free yourself. You are fortunate that your partner is supportive.

I hope all goes well with your treatment.

[Patrick]

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Buddysmom;1497183 wrote: . Why my husband keeps trusting me I don't know, but even now he is being supportive. :b&d:

Maybe because he knows and loves the real you ,the sober person he fell in love with and knows that you are worth fighting for and wants to help you be the person you want to be.You are still that person and when you win the battle with AL (and you will)you might love yourself as much as he does.so keep fighting,you are worth it.Your husband thinks so and he knows you better than anyone.

[jenniech]

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Patrick - that is a wonderful post
buddysmom - good luck with your outpatient and the other posts are spot on.....you need to focus on YOU right now. Treat yourself with the tender loving care that your husband is showing you...You are obviously worth it!!!
I look forward to getting to know you and to your posts!!! We are all hear to lend support...
:welcome:back!!!

[Buddysmom]

Here I go again!

Thank you all for your support. This is a lonely disease probably because we isolate ourselves so much. It helps to know others out there understand the struggle.

Went to my first day of group therapy and was a little dissapointed. The counseler was late and it was a little weird. I don't remember it being that way before. But it was just my first time back in about 6 years and maybe I was expecting too much. I will be going to my old AA group on Monday. Right now I want to concentrate on staying sober this weekend and getting my house in order, literally. I got my leave in order and have to fill out disabilitly papers. While at the huge clinic my doctor is at I heard the voice of one of my co-workers and ducked into the elevator. I just don't feel I can face anyone quite yet.
I guess that will pass with time.

[learningtolovewinter]

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I would say not worry about facing anyone in these days. You just do what you need to do for you. I would have felt the same if my counselor was late, that is completely lame. Sorry that happened. Honestly, after living in the Caribbean I have no patient for people who are late, I don't care what the reason is. Sometime people would come days late for an appointment and say 'sorry.' I just tell them 'yup, you certainly are!'

Move ahead, you are doing the right thing.
And when you read posts that say it will get easier, it actually does. So hang in there.

Buddysmom;1497570 wrote: Thank you all for your support. This is a lonely disease probably because we isolate ourselves so much. It helps to know others out there understand the struggle.

Went to my first day of group therapy and was a little dissapointed. The counseler was late and it was a little weird. I don't remember it being that way before. But it was just my first time back in about 6 years and maybe I was expecting too much. I will be going to my old AA group on Monday. Right now I want to concentrate on staying sober this weekend and getting my house in order, literally. I got my leave in order and have to fill out disabilitly papers. While at the huge clinic my doctor is at I heard the voice of one of my co-workers and ducked into the elevator. I just don't feel I can face anyone quite yet.
I guess that will pass with time.

[Tipplerette]

Here I go again!

Hey Buddy's Mom, very happy to 'meet' you. You are smart to log on here often. It sure makes one feel accountable when faced with the drink or not to drink split second decisions that suddenly appear. Like Patrick said, there is a wonderful human being underneath that alcohol dependence that has been over-shadowing your true self. Let her shine!!

I'll be looking forward to reading more about your progress. xxx

[Struggles 106]

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HI BUDDYSMOM

Great to see you back here! Good luck with the OP therapy.

You can do it! Alcohol does nothing good for you as I'm sure you know.

Come here often for everything all of us can help you with.

My own path has been made easier by the friendship and support here.

I wish you well

[Buddysmom]

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Better today

I am AF 5 days now, and this was the first day I felt like I was doing something productive for my sobriety. I got out of the house and went out shooting (archery) with my husband, feeling pretty good to be outside in the sunshine. Did some stuff around the house long ignored that I coundn't even fathom when I was drinking. It felt almost normal.

I am going to therapy again tommorrow, hope it works out better than last time. And I am going to try and go to an AA meeting too. One day at a time. I am just grateful to have time off this time around. I dont think I would have made it if I didn't, that's how bad it got. I started praying again today too, which is great. My spirtuality used be a big part of my life, but drinking spoiled that also. There is so much to look forward to getting back if I can stay AF.

Thank you all again for your support. I hope soon I can give other encouragement too!

[kambob]

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Nothing much to add (I don't have the pearls of wisdom that the Oldies here have) but good luck Buddysmom.

[little beagle]

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Love yourself

Your husband loves you, Love yourself the way he loves you and you will come through this. It's easier said than done, I know, But just tell yourself that you are a great person when you get those down feelings.

[Buddysmom]

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Still AF

Well, I'm on day 29 now! Didn't think it was possible, but I am still sober. I have had a lot of fatigue and days I just can't seem to get motivated to do anything. It is getting better, and my MD put me Paxil for the anxiety a couple weeks ago, so that was one more change my system had to go through.

Still going to out patient therapy, and some AA meetings, but don't seem to be getting better overnight like I want to! Oh well, I know it is a slow process and there is no quick fix. I think I get more out of reading posts here, to be honest. I am grateful for this site and the people in it!

:monalisa:

[learningtolovewinter]

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Wow! Day 29, that is fantastic! Paxil should definitely be helping and you can get off of it slowly later. Great you are working with your doc. You have to be very pleased with yourself, congrats!

[Kradle123]

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Buddysmom;1509374 wrote: Well, I'm on day 29 now! Didn't think it was possible, but I am still sober. I have had a lot of fatigue and days I just can't seem to get motivated to do anything. It is getting better, and my MD put me Paxil for the anxiety a couple weeks ago, so that was one more change my system had to go through.

Still going to out patient therapy, and some AA meetings, but don't seem to be getting better overnight like I want to! Oh well, I know it is a slow process and there is no quick fix. I think I get more out of reading posts here, to be honest. I am grateful for this site and the people in it!

:monalisa:

THAT IS AWESOME MS. 29 ! :wd:

You will get your hat from Byrdie tomorrow - I'm sure she's had ready to go since day one. Knew youoccult do it:l

[Buddysmom]

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Getting back to the real world

I am looking forward to tomorrow. There is another person in my OP that is hitting 30 days too, so the session tomorrow should be pretty cool.

I am finally going out to lunch with a friend tomorrow from work, so it may be a little emotional. I have been off since 4/22 and am not going back until 6/3. I haven't seen anyone since. I know most of my co-workers are concerned about me, but the ones that feel they have to judge everyone will be the hardest to deal with. I work with Nurses, and they can be very harsh. I am not good at asserting myself, I can come off as defensive instead of standing my ground. It's one of the things that became an excuse to drink. Maybe without the AL in my system I can think better before I open my mouth. We shall see.
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AF since 4/22/13!