I was on day 11, but I've blown it...

[cookinghappy]

Well that's that. Decided last night that I would have a drink. Can't explain it really. My mother came to see me for a couple of hours (parents live far away so I see them about once a month). Hadn't seen her whilst I'd been AF. It was comforting to chat (not about the booze situation) but just to chat about different things. As I've been posting, I've had an AWFUL week worrying about how to handle my son's situation at school (5 notes home from the teacher in two days) - Am going to see teacher today. But I suppose what I wanted to say, was that chatting to my mother made me feel refreshed, and I realised I've spent the last 11 days in this world (which for all its merits) is SO boring. I've been obsessed with thoughts of not drinking, side effects, withdrawal, my son... and I'm boring myself stiff! Talking to my mum just made my problems feel smaller. I felt normal (almost as I alchohol isn't a problem). So I asked my husband if he minded if I drank. He said he didn't. So I did. I had no strategy mapped out before I started. The only thing I knew was that I wanted it to be a one off. I don't intend to go back to regular drinking. It was heaven. And I drank a bottle of red wine. Then my husband got really angry with me and we had a bit of a row. He went off saying that I'd not practiced moderation at all and that he was sure I'd be back to how I used to be what with the weekend approaching etc. I felt condemned without trial. Though it was the first time he'd ever really got cross about my drinking. I felt really cross because he ruined my lovely moment. Just so you know, my drinking was essentially confined to one bottle of wine or one bottle plus a glass every night. And I would fall asleep on the sofa every night.
Well, now its the morning after the night before, and apart from a headache, and feeling upset about the row, I don't know how I feel. I don't want to go back to drinking as I used to and I won't be drinking tonight. But in the same way I didn't feel particularly proud of being AF for 10 days, I also don't hate myself as much as I think I should for having drunk last night. I don't understand that about myself. Why can't I feel pride about my achievements? I think if I had, I might not have drunk last night. I almost felt that I didn't care either way.
Thoughts please ...

[Guest]

I was on day 11, but I've blown it...

I too had a bottle last night and fell asleep on the couch watching Lord of the Rings with my dogs lying on me. It's so hard trying to quit. You made it 11 days!! That's awesome!! The happier I get, the more I want to drink. That gets me confused... you would think it would be the other way around.

This is a great support for you, and the people are truly wonderful. It has been better for me since I started here. Normally I would have had a bottle every night..so I am cutting down. Eventually I want to cut it down to nothing if I can..I want to live as long as I can to watch my little girl grow up.

(I replied to your PM)

[mustdobetter]

I was on day 11, but I've blown it...

I know exactly how you feel. I have had days where I feel almost mad and depressed that I am choosing not to drink. I think it helps me that I have something that I am working to improve and not drinking is a big part of making that work out. Perhaps you can find something that drives you as well. I wish I could be more help.

Did you set any goals for yourself? I have committed to 30 days AF. I have had 2 days so far where I mentioned drinking to my husband and he said he didn't think it was a good idea. He simnply reminded me that I needed to stick it out for the 30 days because that is what I committed to do. So I would say maybe set a goal and get your husband on board, and get yourself involved in some sort of self improvement program - exercise, fitness, etc.

I am not trying to preach like I have all the right answers. I can only pass along what I have done and what seems to be working for me.

I am so sorry that you and your husband had a disagreement. I hope he understands that this takes time and patience. I wish you the best.

[betty boop]

I was on day 11, but I've blown it...

Hi Cooking,

I'm sorry I don't really have an answer, but worring about it wont change the past, look to the future .....

Well done on your AF days, that is excellent! If you compare last 11 days to the previous 11 then you deserve a huge pat on the back!!!!

I think that you have done extremely well......

Love & Hugs :h :l :h

[Breez]

I was on day 11, but I've blown it...

You had a pressure cooker of a week. You let the steam out, strap on those boots and march on. Your husband probably just got mad b/c he doesn't like to see you in that light. Let's learn from it and move on. There's another 11 + days waiting for you!

[buckledown]

I was on day 11, but I've blown it...

Dont be so hard on yourself....I know it must be strange to have such mixed emotions regarding drinking...i am having a hard time feeling proud of myself as well.... and i do also understand the boredom...from my veiwpoint it looks like the stress from your sons notes all week had you on edge...i have 2 kids so i totally know the stresses of having children...i always feel that stress is what drives me back to the bottle...i have tried going to the gym to work off some of that and it is helping but i am only on day 7....you should be so proud of 10....that is so great....look at what you have achieved ...the 10 days not the 1 day....are you using and supps etc...the topa is helping me....please pick yourself up and start again ...you have already said you are not going back to how you were drinking ...and not drinking tonight...so isn't that already a mojor change and something to be proud of?...I say good jo and good luck with your teacher conference today....I am sorry about the fight...it will get better...best day...:h buck

[journey04]

I was on day 11, but I've blown it...

Hi Cooking,

I know exactly how you feel. Everytime I get a few AF days, I start getting ideas in my head like - look at how far I've come, and I deserve a night off, etc. Then its usually a 4-5 day string of drinking nights and I'm all depressed and down on myself (not to mention bloated). No one said this is easy. Gosh, look at all of us here. Thank goodness we have the site, support and each other to come and read and get some strength to carry on. I am only on day 3 AF this time around and nervous about the weekend. I figure if I can get through Friday, Sat., Sun., then maybe I'll have some fortitude. But next week, I have book club on Wed. and another girls' night (jewelry show) on Thurs. Booze is expected at both events. I hate that its such a struggle.

Please don't beat yourself up so much. You did the right thing coming here and posting. Keep doing what you can, using the time-honored cliche: one day at a time.

Journey

[cassy]

I was on day 11, but I've blown it...

Hi cooking..well done on the Af days..maybe the wine set you quarelling with hubby..it makes me niggly if there is any underlying tension after a bottle of wine there is no control out it comes.....
shame .what started as a nice night ended like that but its typical isnt it when we consider what the booze does for us...not a lot!!

Here we go on the weekend..so my hints are like many others...forward plan. set the goal for today..



Ji Journey..like you i dont want the worls to now my drink problems..so i put no drinking in terms of keeping fit..gettine healthy for the summer etc, and amazingly other peopel get interested when you say you arent drinking at present...i often wonder if they to think they may have a problem or a problem in the making if they cant quit or curb it??

Stick with the healthy lifestyle option for the excuse not to drink...we dont have to bare our soul just because people ask!


good luck to you all...off to get a shower and chinese...and relax for a few hours.

Bye all

regards Cassy