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A brief history of hell !

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    #1

    A brief history of hell !

    Hi I'd just like to sketch a brief, well as brief as 40 years can be, history of my drinking.

    Born A long time ago

    First drink 17. I never drank very often, but always drank too much and got sick. Thought that was just the price you paid for drinking. From the off I had no switch that told me I had had enough.


    About 19 realised that I like the feeling a large scotch gave me. I can remember the time and the place, the moment and the feeling. All my knots came undone.

    Early 20's I was enjoying my drinking. I like this ! This works for me. The odd row about the outcomes. Hey doesn't everyone drink too much now and then ? I could make a laugh or a joke about my behaviour.

    25. Pregnant now with second child. Gave up smoking like a good girl, But drank like a fish. Feotal Alcohol Syndrome hadn't been invented then. I used to be so bloody hungover at the ante-natal. Urine tests mus have been pure Smirnoff. Gave birth to gorgeous health baby girl. Used to laugh that she should have been a pickled onion. Ho ! Ho !

    Two months later PND. Not psychotic, not baby blues but the type that comes and stays for
    reproductive life. Trip to docs, something is not right. How much do you drink ? Huh ? What ? I drink cos I'm depressed. It takes the pain away, don't be daft. Pull yourself together.
    I can't.

    3 and 1/2 years later. New doc, same old head. Help me please ! Antebuse given daily by spouse. I don't think so. Put Paracetamol in Antebuse pot. Let the games begin.
    Drinking outcomes becoming more seroius. Passing out in bathroom with 3 yr old daughter in bath. Car written off and regular driving whilst totally smashed with the kids in the car.
    Want to stop but know I can't be who I want to while drinking. But can't imagine a whole lifetime looming ahead of me with my friendly bottle to take the pain away.

    Every one else the world can drink but me. How bloody, bloody unfair is that.

    To be continued. If you've read this far.:thanks:
    Today, I will live one day at a time and do one thing at a time

    It was obvious from a very early age that my mind and I were not going to get on. Kay Redfield Jameson
    Tags: None
    #2
    A brief history of hell !

    Wow, Buddabelly! Reading your story I just keep thinking how incredibly lucky you have been.

    Don't look too far in the future right now. Don't think "I can't ever drink again". It's too overwhelming in the early days. For now just commit to 7 days AF. Those are the toughest days. If 7 days is too overwhelming, then each new day just commit to being AF that day. Once you hit a week you will start to feel better and realize that there is a whole big wide world out there that you have been missing. You can't plan the future with a booze addled brain - you need to get clear to see clearly.

    MWO has the tools and the people to help you, but you need to use them. Make this your home for now. Read as much as possible - you will find familiar themes in a lot of people's stories. Also, post as much as possible - post your goals, your dreams, the things you don't like about drinking, etc. Anything you take the time to write out here will cement in your brain that you won't drink. It truly does help.

    Spend a lot of time in the Newbie's Nest. That is where to start. There is lots of warm, caring support from people who have been where you are and also those sharing these first AF days with you. Also, we are starting an AF May thread that you are welcome to join. It's a smaller community of those of us committing to being AF in the month of May - struggling one day at a time.
    Well it's all right now. I've learned my lesson well. You see you can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself.

    Comment

      #3
      A brief history of hell !

      Siren thanks for your support and warm words, but that little piece is just the first installment. I've used up a lot more of my nine lives since. That little extract was just the beginning of my descent.

      I love this site and my God it has been so good for me to begin to chart this. I can't do it all at once. Too much for me and any poor reader. All I know is that doing it has been so good for me. I don't want to dwell on the past. Like they say if you have one leg in the past and the other in the future your piddling on the present.

      Today, right here right now, 2 days AF I feel brilliant. I've been on this site before, never got very involved. Site too hard to negociate, too hard to get to grips with etc etc etc. Not today. I will find my way around it. I might make mistakes, who cares. As long as I have a breath in me, somewhere down deep inside of me there is a small quiet voice that wants to be able to lift my head up and live with dignity. I will never stop trying to to pick myself up, brush myself down and start again. No matter how many times I sabotage myself, trip myself up and stab myself in the back, with help I wil keep going. For my kids and for myself.

      I look forward to getting to know you.
      Today, I will live one day at a time and do one thing at a time

      It was obvious from a very early age that my mind and I were not going to get on. Kay Redfield Jameson

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        #4
        A brief history of hell !

        day 2 is brilliant
        tomorrow will be day three and you will feel even better

        I'm only down the road from you in Berkshire!! Stay with us we may be a little insane at times but there are some damn nice and very wise people around....
        I have a drink problem, I have been AF since 15 March 2011 and I am working hard to stay that way

        They don't call me Pingu Purple Pants for nothing....

        Comment

          #5
          A brief history of hell !

          Budda, please keep writing. Please.
          "Remember, you are responsible for creating your life by every thought, action, choice. Choose well." Oprah Winfrey

          Comment

            #6
            A brief history of hell !

            Thanks for posting your first installment Buddabelly. I loved it. I'm also on day 2 again. I look forward to more inspiring posts from you.

            Comment

              #7
              A brief history of hell !

              Hey Buddabelly - welcome. Thank you for your honesty. And you said the most important thing, at least to me, that has helped me stay sober "For my kids and for myself."

              Please stay close. One day at a time as you know. You will be surprised at how well you will feel. But do not let your guard down. Ever. I am over 60 days and still have nagging thoughts of wine. Hell, even after 11 months sober last time I slipped.

              You have friends here.

              Love Waggy
              February 27th, 2013. A New , Successful Start. :h

              When everything seems like an uphill struggle, just think of the view from the top!!

              Comment

                #8
                A brief history of hell !

                Budda -
                WOW! I love the honesty in your posts. It took me a while to "lay it all out there" too...but now I may say TOO much! LOL
                Writing it down puts in right there in my face...and if it can help someone else, all the better.
                Please, please keep writing. You'll find it really helps to get it out. We'll support you and believe me...nothing will shock us!
                Love,
                K9
                :heart:I love my daughter more than alcohol:heart:

                Believe in yourself. You are stronger than you think.

                Comment

                  #9
                  A brief history of hell !

                  Hey Budda! This site is difficult to navigate, that's why I put the links to the Newbie's nest and Tool Box in my signature line. I hope you'll join us over in the nest...we have a Day 1'r over there now...and several in the first days. I will look for your posts, and feel that you are going to do very well here! When we stop bullshitting ourselves we can get down to the task at hand. Welcome aboard!! Byrdie
                  All you gotta do, is get thru this day. AF 1/20/2011
                  Tool Box
                  Newbie's Nest

                  Comment

                    #10
                    A brief history of hell !

                    Hi ya all.

                    Well, in a minute I'm going to claim day 2. Yaah !:goodjob:

                    Jeez, by the skin of my teeth. If I had not been tapping away on this thing I'd be soused by now. Telling myself, I will only have one or two glasses. I posted on another thread how close I came to picking up. I guess I'm pretty raw and uber, uber sensitive right now. Like nails down a chalkboard sensitive. Every little look, comment or infringement of space illiicits a truly, truly murderous rage. It requires more energy than I have to contain. My jaw hurts like hell.

                    But I have not drank. Thank you,thank you Lord and MWO.

                    I'd have been absolutely gutted.

                    Today has given me more resolve than ever to stay here and build a life for myself again. I was going to say claim my life back, but that life's gone, history and finished with. It has been coming to terms with that that has kept me where I am. This might all sound a bit cryptic at the moment, but I know what I'm talking about. You all will too, I'm just too tired to start talking about it now.

                    Nev, I will start a plan. My plan at the moment is to read your journey. Thank you.
                    In time, please God I will get to know all of you. Thanks to everyone of you for right here and now little oasis of peace for my troubled soul.

                    Lea
                    Today, I will live one day at a time and do one thing at a time

                    It was obvious from a very early age that my mind and I were not going to get on. Kay Redfield Jameson

                    Comment

                      #11
                      A brief history of hell !

                      Hi Budda

                      Congrats on day 2!

                      I just completed day one. I feel better already and am wide awake which is a novelty for me at this time of night!

                      X
                      AF since Halloween 2016

                      Trying to kill my Wine Witch! :smileyb:

                      Comment

                        #12
                        A brief history of hell !

                        Dearest Budda and Wine-O, stay strong. I admire both of you.

                        For support, I read Eric Clapton's, Pete Hamill's, ? Moehringer's (Tender Bar) bios because I wanted to know how the hell they get off the booze. If they can do it, you and I can do it. We're going to make it.

                        I thought about how hard it must have been for Eric Clapton to "white knuckle" it when he was spending time with his son, whom eventually lost. How does one do that, before and after? It can be done, of that I'm sure.

                        My good thoughts go out to you.
                        "Remember, you are responsible for creating your life by every thought, action, choice. Choose well." Oprah Winfrey

                        Comment

                          #13
                          A brief history of hell !

                          Wow,great post,feels good to tell the truth,may the truth set you free,l am not afraid of the truth,alcohol related, l find if you send it out into the universe brilliant things will happen,l mean in a good way,l wanted to tell people because it will keep me on the right path of sobriety,Lt sure is not easy but the clear head and feeling alive is really great.now l will see life through open eyes,I'm happy to finally be on this path, like l wrote before l thought of it many times,getting sober ,never tried ,l was too afraid l may succeed, how silly is that,or fail,anyway we can't do either if we don't try, never stop trying,but l am gonna beat this monkey on my back,soon it will be a passing thought, l will be so happy l did,one day it will be freeing,even if it's work now, all the best sleep up the great work,you deserve to be sober,for yourself and your kids!!!

                          Comment

                            #14
                            A brief history of hell !

                            Here's to day 3 Budda (day 2 for me). We can do this!
                            AF since Halloween 2016

                            Trying to kill my Wine Witch! :smileyb:

                            Comment

                              #15
                              A brief history of hell !

                              wow

                              Please hang in there.
                              No matter how far you go or how fast you run, you can't get away from yourself. ....said at an AA meeting. It stuck with me.

                              Comment

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