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    Like Mother Like Son ???

    I know I haven't posted for a week, and I am stll a relative newbie. I hope you friends can listen to my story.

    My oldest son is 21 years and is totally brilliant. He is a Math major at a very good college and has just been given an extremely good offer from a major university for a doctoral program in theoretiical math. He's a really great kid, funny and totally charming. Now I am sounding like a bragging mother. Please forgive me. He has always been terrbly down to earth and responsible.

    Last Saturday, at 7 AM I had just sat down to do some work and the phone rang. To make a long story short, he was under arrest for DWI. My husband and I had to drive for over 2 hours to spring him from jail ( he was in leg irons) and pick up his car and drive him back to his apartment. I drove him in his car back for an hour to his place and he was crying like a baby the whole time. He kept saying he could have killed someone (his BAL was 1.7!) I told him that was true and he should think about that for a long time. He said he didn't know what happened but that he drank too much and lost judgement. And this is a kid who is quite smart and normally has good judgement.

    I told him I am an alcoholic ( he thought I just had a drinking "problem") and had been sober with a lot of work for two years (give or take some minor relapses). He said that he doesn't drink much, but when he does, he can't stop. I interpreted that as a warning sign.

    We now have to spend several thousand dollars on lawyers to try to keep him out of jail. I don't think jail will do him much good - but I can't help thinking that he was a potential murdrer - and neither can he. That has to be and is in front of his mind.

    Alcohol can be such a deadly thing. We all post here and think about what it does to us, but do we ever talk about what harm it can do to innocent people when we drive drunk? I am hoping my son has learned that, and I hoping that I have learned that also.

    I see lots of post on this site that I totally agree with, but I don't see much talk about the innocent victims of drunk driving. Something for all of us to think about.

    He'll probably be OK. He may have to have his driver's license suspended for 6 months or so, but I don't mind him having to pay the price. We all have to learn to live with this.

    My problem is my guilt - I know I am an alcoholic and am terribly afraid that I have genetically passed this problem on to my son. I am a biologist and know that there are certain family traits in this direction. I just don't want to pass this fatal flaw down into future generations.

    I'm really sorry.
    Mags
    Rest in Peace, Bear. We miss you.

    #2
    Like Mother Like Son ???

    Mags,

    Look at the positive in this. You opened up a dialogue with your son about your drinking and his. That's a good thing. Regret only seems to make a drinker drink more. So don't focus on what you regret, but rather your future and your son's future. You are here--so you are definitely on the right path. Good luck with getting matters with your son figured out.

    Julie

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      #3
      Like Mother Like Son ???

      Thank you, Julie. I appreiate your kind words. I will difinitely take them to heart.You are very forgiving.
      Mags
      Rest in Peace, Bear. We miss you.

      Comment


        #4
        Like Mother Like Son ???

        I am glad i read your post. Yes, alcohol is not just about the alcoholic, its also about the poor innocent people who get dragged into it. they are victims too. Your son had a terrible shock. Lets hope he has learnt something. You are fantastic in being honest with him. Kids, whatever age NEED honesty. Yes, you may be worried about passing a gene onto him, but listen, if you can talk openly to him, you will reap the benefits. For some stupid reason Alcoholism is a hidden secret, we are all afraid. But,--- you can not keep secrets from your family and he learns from you, his mother. So just you keep talking to him. He is old enough to listen. I feel for you. Don't worry, I think things will work out. just don't be ashamed of who you are. You have been through alot and it is clear to see that you are a strong and very good mother. Take care. Bella xx

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          #5
          Like Mother Like Son ???

          Hi Mags, Julie's words are so so true. You have inadvertently reminded me, and many others that drinking is not just about us but the potential dangers to innocent bystanders. Thank you for the reality check.
          A BushBaby with Attitude

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            #6
            Like Mother Like Son ???

            mags, speak honestly dwi is no joke, i had a good friend that killed a pedestrian he had no recollection of it that was almost 20 years ago he went to jail and has been sober since then and now has a family and a job. but the consequences of his dwi are permanent. thinking of you and your son..even with my 11 year old i talk to her about alcoholism my mom was an alcoholic i am an alcoholic, i talk to her about reponsible drinking we live in a college town and sometimes see college kids doing shots and carrying on in bar/restaurants i point out the behavior talk about binge drinking and the physical, emotional societal consequences of irresponsible drinking....its important its hard i worry... again thinking of you rudemama:h

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              #7
              Like Mother Like Son ???

              Mags, My nephew who is 23 now got picked up at 21 for a DUI it cost our family roughly 4000 to get him out of the trouble. He had a suspened licesne for 1 year I think. He will not drink and drive now' he rely's on one of his friends or his girlfriend. His mom my sister has a drinking problem as did his Grandfather my Dad. Odd thing is my sister has 2 other boys 18 and 21 won't touch alcohol.( something pathetic here is that she has the 21 year old drop her off at the bar then pick up up after she sloshed) So I don't know how it is passed down . I have a 3rd sister who has the same parents of us drinking ones; she never touches it. My husband had a friend who was out with some friends the guy driving was drunk. The friend who was sleeping in the back seat was killed.While the drunk driver recieved only a broken leg. I think your son was hit with the gravity of the situation, It's a good thing you care share. My sister says she dosen't have a drinking issue. She certainly does. But one thing about your post bugs me the most what state puts leg irons on a 21 year old boy for DUI?. It seems like to much.
              Take Care and give him a Hug for Us
              Mary

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                #8
                Like Mother Like Son ???

                Oh mags, I don't have avy deep meaningful advice, but you shouldn't feel guilty.

                Give him a great big hug and tell him that you love him xx
                sigpicXXX

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                  #9
                  Like Mother Like Son ???

                  Simeybear
                  I always read your posts and love them so much. Thanks for responding to my last post. You are always so supportive.
                  To answer your question, we are in New York state. I really don't mind that they leg ironed him to a bench. The other alternative they had was to throw him in a jail cell. I honestly don't mind that he suffered a bit of pain and a lot of humiliation in this process. He has to learn that drinking and driving are wrong. So a little bit of pain and humiliation may help him along in that process.
                  He is going to see a shrink I know and I have a great deal of trust in. I'm very hopefull that he can recognize a problem if he has one.
                  I have to really thank all of my friends on MWO for helping me. You guys are all the greatest!!!!
                  :thanks:
                  Rest in Peace, Bear. We miss you.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Like Mother Like Son ???

                    Mags- Thank you for sharing your story about your son. He sounds like a wonderful young man.I really feel for you. As frightening as the whole experiance was it might have been able to really impact him to see how serious this alcohol problem really is. Our genes are our genes, unfortunately we can't change them. But just think because of your experience and trouble with alcohol you have becomed educated about it and turned your life around. It sounds like you have really overcome this addiction. Because you have gone through your struggles and have succeeded to get yourself well this is like a gift for your son. He has the benefit of your knowledge and experiance to never let himself progress down the wrong road that these "alcohol" genes could lead him. Yes his genes came from you but you are the one giving him the chance to not let them be a detrimental force in his life. And
                    he is young enough that he might not have really formed any serious dependence on alcohol yet. You are being such a wonderful mother in being so open with him about yourself. You really are giving him a gift. Without you and your struggle he could be like many people ( at least I was) are just kind of blindly going along drinking and not realizing where it is taking them. Good luck with your son. Take Care! Aquamarine
                    NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF YOUR OWN DETERMINATION
                    AF SINCE 3/16/2016

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Like Mother Like Son ???

                      Hi Mags~

                      An angel was watching over your son. I'd call it a blessing in disguise. Now you have open lines of communication. He has gotten scared straight & he knows he can talk to you now. I'm sure he'll lose his licence & have to take alcohol classes during that time.

                      Mags, even the smartest of people make the dumbest of mistakes. When you take that poison into your mouth it changes your mind into all kinds of warped thinking. Two of my non-alcoholic friends have gotten DWI (yrs ago) yet I have never gotten one.

                      I just want to add you're an awesome mom. I can feel the love & proudness you have for your son.
                      :flower: Change a life; make someone feel important. ................. ........................ ..................... ........................ ................. ....... sigpic

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                        #12
                        Like Mother Like Son ???

                        Mags,
                        Thanks for sharing that and it is a good reminder that we affect many others when we drink just not ourselves.
                        I am glad that you and your son have open conversations about drinking and hope he can get this all under control at his very young age.
                        You are a great mom and very brave for having that conversation with him. Take Care
                        "Keep your eyes and heart focused on the end goal at all times, and never settle for less."

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                          #13
                          Like Mother Like Son ???

                          Thank you for your openness

                          Hi Mags,

                          Thank you so much for sharing this experience with us and my thoughts are with you at this time- but I agree, I think this has to be seen as a blessing in disguise with all the good that you have managed to pull from it. Your son can now face his future with increased knowledge and awareness and so prevent any sinking into alcoholism through ignorance. And what a future he obviously has lined up!

                          And it's OK to brag about your son - it's great to hear how well he's doing and consider his future potential - you are quite right to be proud!. It's hard not to feel guilty about the genetic predisposition to alcoholism I know - I have yet to face this issue with my girls as they have 2 parents with alcohol dependency issues, but there are things in life we have no choice over - by having been open and honest with your son now, you can hopefully arm him with the tools to prevent a continuation of the disease through the family - just as with cancer or heart disease - there are certain measures we can do to help prevent them. Your honesty is a huge gift to your son and your obvious closeness and bond with him will give him all the support he needs as he now continues through what will obviously be quite difficult times for him initially.

                          Hang in there, thank you for your openness here, it's given me a lot to think about with regards to my two teenagers - one of whom is going off to university next year. I also thank God or the powers that be for looking out for all those people I may have potentially hurt/injured or killed while DUI...

                          Warmest wishes to you and your son...
                          :rays: Arial

                          Last first day - 15th April 2012
                          Goals:
                          Days 1-7 DONE
                          Days 8-14 DONE
                          Days 15-21 DONE
                          30 days DONE
                          60 days
                          100 days

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                            #14
                            Like Mother Like Son ???

                            Thank you all.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Like Mother Like Son ???

                              Popeye?
                              "Keep your eyes and heart focused on the end goal at all times, and never settle for less."

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