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**JackieClaire** · May 12, 2013, 02:57 AM

So ashamed

Hi there Pearl.
Just wanted to add my hellos and :welcome:.

Good going on day 3.

Oh,love, I feel for you, I know I felt exactly the same when I first went AF. By the way blooming :goodjob: on day 3.

It will take time, no need for huge gestures. Showing them day by day by your actions by staying sober is the very best thing you can do at the moment. We are behind you all the way. You've made a cracking start.

The more AF time you get under your belt. The more your family see you trying to get a sober life it will change, I promise. And it will change for the better, much better.

Glad to have you here.

J x

:l

**satz123** · May 12, 2013, 03:10 AM

So ashamed

:goodjob: Pearl on 3 days ...... that is great. Yes chocolate will help cure the craving which is maybe your sugar levels bit too low without the alcohol.
Drink lots of fluids - don't get thirsty or too hungry! Major trigger for me.
You sound like you are ready - GOOD LUCK and visit & post here every day if you can - it is a lifeline !

**kuya** · May 12, 2013, 03:37 AM

So ashamed

Hi Pearl...with things deteriorating so fast I would suspect you are allergic to alcohol. When we are allergic to something we HAVE to quit or it will kill us.

You can get sober again. Maybe a trip to the doctor and tell them how rapidly and badly you have reacted, perhaps your partner could come. This may be an education for you both as most people do take years to react as you have.

It may also be that environmental alcohols trigger you.

Get Joan Larsens book ' seven weeks to sobriety', she discuses all these types of problems. It helps a lot to understand what is causing the reaction and behaviour.

**Struggles 106** · May 12, 2013, 09:19 AM

So ashamed

Hi Pearl

Good job on the three days. I think you are going to needs lots of support and you can find that here.

I will reiterate what I always say to people whose children are affected. THEY DESERVE BETTER. They deserve a sober mom. I certainly don't want to sound harsh but this is a fact. I KNOW-I was "raised" by drunks and I know exactly how they feel. I out quotes around the word raised because it's not really accurate. There were seven of us in a situation with no stability and security. Your drinking will affect who they become.
Trust me on this. They will be damaged.

ALSO --YOU deserve better. You deserve a happy peaceful life without all the strife of drinking. The fact that you are recognizing this , admitting it and trying is huge.

Can you get help where you live? You might have to go for everything you can to get it sorted out. Families are ruined by alcohol every day. Don't let yours become one of those. It is not your fault.

Take care

**spiderwoman** · May 12, 2013, 10:04 AM

So ashamed

Hi Pearl, well done on getting the worst three days over with. It'll soon be a week and you will very soon notice a big difference in how you feel. Your partner will believe you've quit for good given time. Its taken my other half five months to believe the AL rollercoaster/nightmare is over.

Concentrate on looking after you for now, you'll pull in taking care of the others as you do this. As the others have said, plenty of drinks, chocolate or whatever as needed and rest, you will find the quality of your sleep improves so much in a short space of time.

Keep posting here, without the support here I'd never have got so far.

**Struggles 106** · May 12, 2013, 10:44 AM

So ashamed

Hi again Pearl

Just looking back at you post. The title-So Ashamed. Shame is so destructive and awful.
I was told repeatedly as a child "You should be ashamed. " Many many times. so consequently I WAS ashamed. And I believe I had to continue behaviors that generated shame.

Please don't be ashamed. It serves no purpose. You have the same problem that many people do. You didn't ask for it. It just is.

All of us here have done/said shameful things. The past does not have to be the present or the future. You can learn to forgive yourself and simply do the best you can day by day. I know it is not easy. It hasn't been easy for me. But it's a choice to make.
Worth the struggle, absolutely. It eventually becomes less of a struggle and more of a way of living.

Take care and hang tough

**Mootsbill** · May 12, 2013, 03:32 PM

So ashamed

Hi pearl and welcome. Day 3 is brilliant. You can show your family bit by bit, day by day that you are doing this and things will heal. I've driven my kids whilst drunk, blacked out whilst alone with them, and I too feel shame but now I've put it behind me and am making up for it by staying sober and taking good care of my home and family.
Try to remember the things that make you feel ashamed this will keep you away from the first drink, but don't beat yourself up.
You sound determined and I think your strong enough to do this big hugs x

**techie** · May 12, 2013, 03:42 PM

So ashamed

Welcome to you Pearl!

**nancy** · May 12, 2013, 04:05 PM

So ashamed

shame

I agree that shame can be very destructive.
Alcohol problems are very complicated. One weird aspect of it for women is that low self-esteem is a big aspect of the cause and makes it difficult to get better. So shame is not going to help you get well. The better you think of yourself, the less likely you are to continue this behavior. Yet if you continue this behavior, the lower your self-esteem gets.

My advice is to quit for a temporary period, 30 days, and tell yourself that you love yourself and support yourself every single day. Don't allow yourself negativity. You need compassion to yourself to get through this.

There's an organization called Women for sobriety you could contact, they focus on building self-esteem and being positive.

**Tess-2** · May 12, 2013, 05:20 PM

So ashamed

Dear PearlButterfly,

Such a beautiful name! Huge congrats on three AF days!

Yes, you are speaking the truth when you say, "Now I realize that I need to totally abstain or I will lose everything." The strength that you need to fight the urges and stay sober is within you. It is. One moment at a time, one tiny second at a time, say, "No!!" And keep saying it until it becomes a natural reaction to alcohol.

Shame is a painfully toxic condition of the heart. It hurts so badly to be under the black umbrella of shame. Try taking a peek out at the sun. Just a peek. There is life, real life and joy, out here in the land of sobriety. Every now and then, just once in a while for starters, do some tiny loving thing for PearlButterfly. Whatever brings a bit of happiness: a bite of chocolate, a pet of the dog, a page read from a favorite book.

Those of us who have gone before you know the total despair and hell of alcoholism. We didn't think that we could control the madness either. But we have. You see, that is the wonderful news. People are surrounding you with love and hope and cheer. Why? Because it is possible to free yourself from the clutches of alcohol. And we want that for you!! We want that for you!!

So... take a deep breath. All is well even though right now things feel terrible and chaotic. Honestly, I am speaking from a place of love and care, we can heal rather quickly. I've been sober since the beginning of this year and in some ways I feel that I've been sober for a very long time.

Say, No!! Keep saying, No!!

And check in with those of us who are cheering you on. :butterfly:

**planetjanet** · May 12, 2013, 05:48 PM

So ashamed

Hi Pearl,

Congrats to Day 3 and oh wow I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. When you get a chance read a thread called Anyone Up For 30 Day AF, it's in the Need Help ASAP forum. I created this thread a year ago because I was feeling the same way but thanks to the support of the MWO members and my strong will to want to just stop this madness. I knew if I didn't stop, it would get worse to point of being totally dependent on it or worse...DEAD!!

Anywho, congrats for your AF days and my advice is to find a thread where you can post everyday and it doesn't have be a long post. A simple hi, this is where I am and goodbye is all you need to do and please remember that if you drink Pearl, that you try not to get discourage, just get back up and brush yourself off and start all over. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I would breakdown and drink and feel like "oh well, might as well finish up the week drinking". Well, the week would turn into weeks, to months...etc...This is a hard thing but you can do it, trust me, if I can do it, so can YOU!!

Keep us posted and you will be in my prayers!!

Hugs,
Janet

**PearlButterfly** · May 13, 2013, 04:32 AM

So ashamed

Thank you everyone for your beautiful replies - they brought tears to my eyes. It means so much to me that you all took the time and care

I feel so alone right now and this site is giving me the strength to keep going right now.

Day 4 going ok a few urges along the way. I've been keeping myself well fed and watered

. Trying to keep busy and I'm slowly making my way through the toolbox thread which has so many usefull tips.

I guess I should say that I feel ashamed of what I was like on AL. I am now proud of myself that I am abstaining. My husband is still keeping away from me but I am noticing him starting to be kinder.

Hope you are all well xx

**learningtolovewinter** · May 13, 2013, 04:40 AM

So ashamed

Hi PearlButterFly- happy to see you are hanging in there!! You are doing the right thing and I am sure your husband will keep coming around!Keep at it!!

**Snapdragon** · May 13, 2013, 05:33 AM

So ashamed

PearlButterfly;1504465 wrote:

I've neglected my beautiful children, driven drunk with them in the car. Neglected my husband to the point that he's not even talking to me or staying in any room I am in. I have broken so many promises to him and myself about stopping. I don't blame him for not talking to me - I've turned into something unrecognisable

Hello Pearl and a warm welcome. Your comment resonates with me. I made numerous promises to my husband over the years - usually when I was given the ultimatum and thought I was about to lose everything. However, each time after a few days or even a week without alcohol, I would quickly forget how bad things were and slowly slip back to my old ways.

The last time this happened, I truly thought he had given up on me. He handed me a letter that I had written to him two years before, promising that I would stop drinking, telling him that I loved him more than alcohol. He simply said to me: "This was two years ago - our live is never going to change is it?"

After this I got help and am now 43 days AF. Life has never been better. My husband is starting to trust me again and our relationship is better than it has been in years. It has been hard - sometimes the cravings are so bad and that monster on my shoulder shouts so loudly in my ear. But I keep remembering that letter and that broken promise and I know I'm not willing to loose everything to a poisonous liquid that is slowly killiing me.

You can do this Pearl - you are strong and you have so much to gain by getting alcohol out of your life for good. You are on Day 4 - this is the toughest time, but I promise you it gets easier and easier as each day passes - and believe me the reward of having the relationship with your husband back will make it worth every bit of effort! :l

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