Just trying again :(

[Honeysoup]

I just thought I would jump in and say hello. I haven?t been on here in a very long time. I am still struggling with alcohol. I took my Antabuse today, so I hope to get out of this funk. A couple months ago my cousin was killed in a snowmobile accident. He was of course drinking, but the police said that wasn?t the cause. I?m sure it had a little something to do with it. Since then I have feel off the wagon. Then after a few weeks, I felt strong enough to be sober again. I did, but for only 2 weeks. It seems like I would make sure I stopped taking my Antabuse about 4-5 days early so I could drink at the next party. When I am sober I fell so proud, rested, happy, focused and uplifted. So then I start talking myself into ?I?m fine, this is silly? and off to the drug store for some bottles of wine. I do good sometime like waiting 3-4 days to drink but then it seems like I drink for about 3-4 days again.
I really partied Saturday night, and it was fun but I still had a voice in my head saying ?What the fuck are you doing?! I mean what t the hell is my problem? I know I don?t want to be a drunk!
This coming up weekend I am helping to host a benefit and I know everyone will be drinking. I am taking my meds this week and going to use the excuse that I am working the benefit so I better not drink or I will lose all the money!
I am so mad at myself for letting AL take over my life. I am a great person and fully focused without it.
I hope with the strength of God and MWO?I will get through this!!!

Thanks for listening

[NoSugar]

Just trying again

Honeysoup;1505077 wrote: I just thought I would jump in and say hello. I haven?t been on here in a very long time. I am still struggling with alcohol. I took my Antabuse today, so I hope to get out of this funk. A couple months ago my cousin was killed in a snowmobile accident. He was of course drinking, but the police said that wasn?t the cause. I?m sure it had a little something to do with it. Since then I have feel off the wagon. Then after a few weeks, I felt strong enough to be sober again. I did, but for only 2 weeks. It seems like I would make sure I stopped taking my Antabuse about 4-5 days early so I could drink at the next party. When I am sober I fell so proud, rested, happy, focused and uplifted. So then I start talking myself into ?I?m fine, this is silly? and off to the drug store for some bottles of wine. I do good sometime like waiting 3-4 days to drink but then it seems like I drink for about 3-4 days again.
I really partied Saturday night, and it was fun but I still had a voice in my head saying ?What the fuck are you doing?! I mean what t the hell is my problem? I know I don?t want to be a drunk!
This coming up weekend I am helping to host a benefit and I know everyone will be drinking. I am taking my meds this week and going to use the excuse that I am working the benefit so I better not drink or I will lose all the money!
I am so mad at myself for letting AL take over my life. I am a great person and fully focused without it.
I hope with the strength of God and MWO?I will get through this!!!

Thanks for listening

Hi, Honeysoup

The people here who use AB and use it consistently seem to have great success. Plus, it sounds like it is pretty dangerous to drink even 4 or 5 days after stopping. I haven't tried it so I'll not say much about that.

Are you really having fun drinking? Even with that nagging voice in your head? Even when you know how you are going to feel the next day? I know that drinking would never be fun for me again given what I know now so even if I hadn't made this commitment, what would be the point?

It sounds like you are tired of success-failure-success-failure. So - make this your last day 1. Just do it. I know that sounds trite but when I finally, and to the bottom of my being, made that choice - I just did it (with an enormous amount of help from people on MWO) and have been doing it for over 100 days and plan do do it for the rest of my life. You can do it, too, and you have the added tool of the AB -- use it for what it was developed for!

I needed/need to stay connected here. Read and post daily and more than once per day if you can. Come post when you decide to go off your AB so you can drink and just see the reaction that will get! If you truly want to be AF and make that clear, people here will help you do that and will help you see what is going to happen if you make a self-defeating choice. The strength of MWO can help you but you have to choose to let it.

You cannot imagine how much better your life will be if you just get this done. I have plenty of regrets about drinking but my biggest one is that I was too scared to just quit much earlier. It is so much easier than you think it will be or that it seems during half-hearted attempts. I think those uncommitted stabs at becoming AF are very destructive -- they totally undermine your self-confidence.

Come on back to the Newbies Nest, Honeysoup - there is a great group of supportive, enthused people there right now who will help you quit if you are really ready to do it.

:h NS

[JackDanielsGirl]

Just trying again

Hello HoneySoup,

Sounds like you are definately determined. I can surely identify with your past sober - drunk - sober - drunk. I am now on day 10 after hitting my bottom.

My husband left, after months of threatning, and i finally realized i did not want to be a drunk the rest of my life.

We are now in counselling, separate and togeather, i have been put on antidepressant which helps tremendously.

Hang in there and be strong you have found a great place with lots of love and support, be sure to check out the newbies nest there are lots of people at all stages of soberity.

I will be praying for you and strength to abstain.:h

[Lavande]

Just trying again

Welcome back Honeysoup

You have a good plan, so stick to it & you'll be OK.
I never stayed sober for long until I finally just accepted the fact that I cannot safely drink AL anymore. Those days are long gone & I am much better off. You will be too

[Struggles 106]

Just trying again

Hi honeysoup--

Welcome back!

[little beagle]

Just trying again

Honeysoup
I am with you on this journey. I hope you stick with it because your struggle will give me strength with my struggle. Keep taking your med. Many people here take them and remain al free.

[kuya]

Just trying again

Welcome back Honey.
You can do this.
As NS said just want it more than anything else, check in often and change your mind about alcohol.

And keep taking the damn pill!

[Honeysoup]

Just trying again

I just feel so horrible...I guess you could say sorry for myself. This usually happens and then about the third day I start feeling confident again and then before I know it, bam two weeks done and then the devil starts knocking on my door.

I have so many friends that drink and it is so hard not to. Do I alienate myself from everyone? IDK...but today is a bad day! I feel so depressed and ashamed because I know I can do this! I know I can! I just don't know how to stick with it. I have been obsessing about it all day! I took the pill but I was worried because it had only been 24 hours since my last drink.

I am such a mess today...I'm supposed to go to the gym after work but I have no energy, I feel sluggish and tired and I just want to go home and go to bed!

You guys are all amazing, I'm never disappointed when I come back. I think it has been 2 years now on and off the forum, but none of you judge me and I love that.

I will check in later.

[Mootsbill]

Just trying again

Welcome back honey soup good luck with your endeavour xxx

[kuya]

Just trying again

Honeysoup;1505186 wrote: I just feel so horrible...I guess you could say sorry for myself. This usually happens and then about the third day I start feeling confident again and then before I know it, bam two weeks done and then the devil starts knocking on my door.

I have so many friends that drink and it is so hard not to. Do I alienate myself from everyone? IDK...but today is a bad day! I feel so depressed and ashamed because I know I can do this! I know I can! I just don't know how to stick with it. I have been obsessing about it all day! I took the pill but I was worried because it had only been 24 hours since my last drink.

I am such a mess today...I'm supposed to go to the gym after work but I have no energy, I feel sluggish and tired and I just want to go home and go to bed!

You guys are all amazing, I'm never disappointed when I come back. I think it has been 2 years now on and off the forum, but none of you judge me and I love that.

I will check in later.

Remember how you feel today, reread this post........how you feel right now is being CAUSED by alcohol!

This on/off drinking never gives your brain a chance to heal and the spiral is ever downwards which is why it is getting harder.

You don't need to give up your friends, just the booze. When you are sober you will see who are your true friends anyway.

[Struggles 106]

Just trying again

Hey Honey soup

Oh yes the drinking friends. I feel your pain LOL

But as drinkers would we have non-drinking friends? Though I must admit I think I was the worst of all my friends. I'm pretty sure of that. I was the one out later and missing work etc.

You are OK at 24 hrs since drinking for taking AB. I took some yesterday which will get me through this stressful week in Chicago.

So glad to see you back! You know how to do this. Hang in there.

[Byrdlady]

Just trying again

Hey HoneySoup....
I was on this rollercoaster for a dam year. I was sick of myself. A couple things really helped me, maybe they will help you, too.
#1 I had to let it go. I had to stop clinging to AL as my 'go to' comfort zone. I have a great post from KTAB on Letting Go....I'll go find that for you. Sometimes you just have to follow on blind faith. Getting AL completely out of your life will save you from so much grief it's ridiculous. Let. It. Go.

#2 I had to admit that I'm an alcoholic. I can hear the collective gasps now. "I hate labels" blah, blah, blah.....I've heard them ALL! But it wasn't until I finally admitted to myself that I am an ALK that I could realize that ONE MORE DRINK is going to send me down that rabbit hole. For an ALK, one drink is too many. Everyone knows THAT, right? But unless and until you face that fact it's hard to comply with the 'cure'. I like to think of it more as a diagnosis than a label. After all, why would you take the harsh treatment of chemo if you didn't have cancer? Same applies here, why would you totally stop drinking if you aren't an ALK? You probably wouldn't. Therein lies the rub. Accepting this will move you miles down the road. I did a poll a while back on this and all of the long term AF'rs had this common trait.

I'll go find that other post for you....it was really helpful to me.
AL will rule our lives as long as we let it. Adopt a policy of Zero Tolerance. It's the only way to kill the Beast. Trust me, I tried every other way you can imagine.....you can do this! Byrdie

[Byrdlady]

Just trying again

Here you go, from KTAB:

Letting go.

Acceptance and denial seem to me to be key elements of moving on. How many of us have truly 100% accepted our alcoholism and let go of the niggling doubt that maybe somehow someday the clock could magically be turned back to a time when we were 'normal'?

As I see it, it is very simple, we have two choices, accept our problem, make the life changing changes necessary or continue to skirt the real issue. I have been clean now for a little while but a couple of weeks ago the friday night feeling hit and the thoughts of how nice a beer or two would be in the local and the cravings of course started. Two beers would have been nice and I am pretty sure I could have stopped at two but it would just have awoken the beast in me again and I would drink again the next day. Maybe its only me but food is somewhat similar, when I get in the mood for say a pizza or an indian meal and dont have it that night, the thought will sit there semi dormant but I will end up eating that food at some time over the next couple of days. I wonder if this is indicative of how the craving and reward centers of my brain are programmed.
Anyway I digress, I didnt drink on the friday but of course the thoughts werent far away and on saturday afternoon I was in the supermarket and found myself in front of the mountain of wine bottles, I picked one up and put it back down, I had allowed the thought to come to me 'hey about a bottle of wine to have with dinner?' I ran with it and then it came the 'maybe you should get two just in case' Then it hit me like a sledge hammer who was I kidding, this addiction wasnt going to go away, the alkie thinking was still there, the lying, the hiding the sneaky drinks were only a breath away. I stopped and bought a bottle of coke.

So I got to thinking about this, was there some part of me still clinging onto the idea that I can drink again? Obviously there is. So what do I do about it? I am back to the two choices, either I accept this or I dont. I believe it is very hard for us to accept that this is our life now and I think that is why so many here keep failing time after time, because they dont give it over totally, I am probably one of the biggest offenders.

If there is a big grey animal in the room with a tusk and a trunk it can only be an elephant. If I am still here posting on an alkie forum after nearly three years looking to help my problem drinking then I am an alcoholic, so if I am born 4 foot 6 with a one ear, green eyes and a big conk I cant change that can I? no more than I can change the fact of my alcoholism either but I can accept the fact. Ok, thats sorted, so without being over dramatic I can stop drinking or I can continue which would undoubtably take years off of my life and result in the quality of the years I have left a hollow shell of what they could be.

After true acceptance comes a sense of relief, a sense of peace and the first step on the path to gratitude for finding however we did the true escape and the right to lead a full and proper life without the ball and chain of AL chaffing the skin on our ankles.
Letting go sounds good to me, how about you?

Take care,
Johnny

__________________

[bcp2013]

Just trying again

That's so true, l would always have this feeling l shouldn't be DRI king,or the guilt cause l was drinking,let's been 44 days now and l don't have any of those feelings,l love that, l may be a bit moody sometimes es,but my job changed and l am home later and I'm working g harder, so l guess LM allowed to be cranky,anyway just so you know when you quit the monkey is off your back ,you are free of the devil,that is so true,l know a lot of drinkers,Lt is not bothering me if they drink,so far l don't care,let's not going in my body so l don't care ,LM not gonna wake up hung over and recuperating every weekend, that was the story of my life, there was no need for it, l have a great husband and 22 yr old son, now all they are is proud of my accomplishments,so am l,I'm also proud of e eryones accomplishments,Lt takes a lot to help yourself,but we are worth it!!! Just remember that,let's only a Thought and a thought can be changed,when l was at the party on Saturday l had a great time,even dancing just like when l drank,but had no alcohol or no pills,felt awesome,wasn't getting louder as l drank more,was a great night,watching people get like that is funny, l always say now alcohol makes you fat and stupid,repeat ,repeat,repeat,that's what me and my sis say,we borne quit 44 days ago,if we can do it you can,she lives out of town,we talk on the phone,we support each other,were likeing being sober,you will to just takes a bit of time to know it,s not so bad,hope you can do it for yourself,you won't have the voice in your head with that guilty con ions,good luck,you can do it,!!!

[bcp2013]

Just trying again

Sorry for spelling using my tablet and it puts my it's as lets