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**FlyAway** · May 17, 2013, 08:28 AM

The Folly of MS

Welcome back. I hope you can use this event as a catalyst to sobriety. Does your husband know about your intent to quit? Can you apologize for last night?

**Kradle123** · May 17, 2013, 09:00 AM

The Folly of MS

Mein Sonnenschein;1506792 wrote: I've been away from the MWO community for too long. I think I was avoiding this place because I know what I have to do. I have to quit. I've "quit" a few times this year and so far I've always ended up back where I started. First beer, then wine, then the hard liquor. I don't even get a hangover anymore. It's just sad and pathetic. And I'm killing my body. Why? I just don't understand what goes on in my head anymore.

So... here is a new attempt. A few weeks ago some of you suggested that I keep a journal of accountability. That is the purpose of this thread. I have to come here everyday to be successful. Even if it's only for a few minutes.

I'm so mad at myself today. It is my wedding anniversary. I should be happy and looking forward to a great dinner with my husband tonight. Since it is our 5th anniversary I bought him a kick-ass gift (tickets to the 2014 US Open... he a HUGE golf fan). But because I'm an idiot, I drank... nee chugged... a bottle of wine last night, ended up being a total bitch, gave him his gift early and not in a nice fashion and I don't remember how the evening ended up. He didn't speak to me much this morning. I feel like an absolutely horrible wife. Oh, and this is typical me. So this isn't the first time.

So I've got to stop. Today is day one. I'm feeling very ashamed and vulnerable. But I'm going to do it this time. So here is the folly of MS.

Much love and strength to everyone. :h

Good morning Mein :l

I could have absolutely written your post....I think I have actually (minus the US open,

) but you are way more honest as I am still so upset and ashamed of the things I have done and said to my husband, even when he is no picnic.

I too have a laundry list of fights, followed by silent mornings and angry afternoons.

But I am living proof here that this can change, slow as it is. I am almost a year in to my battle and while I haven't won the war, just the fact that the drinking is no where near the levels they were is HUGE and I have brought my husband up to date. He knows about MWO, we talk a little about the past (I still get very emotional there so try not to say to much) we talk about AL in general and the friends I have lost to it...

He actually has an uncle living in Munich and we want to visit him soon with the kids. The trouble is, this uncle owns a very well know tavern there and you can imagine how that might go....

Shoot, I have to get the kids up for school. Please feel free to PM me if and when you need more support. I truly understand what you are feeling today. Try to breath, take a long shower and definitely talk to your husband and make apologies... Hard I know but it clears that air and makes it easier you.

Stay close:l

**Tess-2** · May 17, 2013, 01:54 PM

The Folly of MS

Much love and strength to you, Mein,

This is what I think is going to save you: your honesty. It takes courage to come back, be transparent, and ask for help. I admire you!!

You speak the truth when you say, "I have to quit." I think most of us on the MWO website understand what goes on in your head because it goes on in our heads too. Bottom line: you must quit. We are quitting right alongside you. You are not alone, at all.

If it feels right to you, I suggest that you post in Newbies Nest. That is the local gathering place for those of us at the start of our journey to freedom from the hell of alcohol. In NN more people will read your posts and be inspired by them. Also, there will be plenty of fledglings (and wise birds) to support you.

Apologies to your husband may be in order. That is your call. However, I believe that the best gift you can give to him is to live a sober and peaceful life. My husband is grateful for my sobriety. He says often, "I have the love of my life back!" And he does. But to remain sober is a moment by moment decision on my part. It gets easier, yes. But it takes commitment and self-love. Lots of self-love.

It is an honor to journey with you. ~

**kronkcarr** · May 17, 2013, 08:54 PM

The Folly of MS

MS,

This is the first post of yours I've read. I believe that posting here daily will help keep you accountable. It will also let you track how you're feeling and possible triggers. Plus you'll get lots of support. I'm glad you're here. Congratulations on having courage and honesty.

**jenniech** · May 18, 2013, 07:32 AM

The Folly of MS

Welcome back Mein!!! I am so glad you came back. Being accountable is very very important. Keep this thread going and don't ever skip a day or a time when you have a thought that needs to be posted. Post when you want to drink. Post even if you have filled a glass. Post, post, post.

I totally relate to your experience.....and I know exactly how that shame and disappointment in yourself feels. You know what to do girl.....it is hard but you can do it!!!

We are here for you!!

**Mein Sonnenschein** · May 22, 2013, 04:52 AM

The Folly of MS

Hi All. Thank you so much for the love and support that you've given me already. This is what makes this community so great!

I have to apologize to you all (and to myself) for not posting everyday. For some reason the day after I began this journal, I began to feel "dead" inside. I would sit at my computer and stare at this thread and nothing would come out. I'm not sure if there was so much emotion that I could not put my thoughts into words? Or if this was a moment where NOTHING was going on in my mind (that would be hard to believe!!!)? Anyhoo. If anyone else has felt this before please let me know. It was such a strange feeling.

Today I feel more alive and sober. So I'm not counting the "days" yet. I'm beginning to realize that for me to be successful I have to not use a count of the days as a goal, but to focus on a bigger goal of health. Kind of like dieting... whenever I tried to focus on losing weight, I ended up craving EVERYTHING that I would not allow myself to eat. Needless to say that was not successful. AL is the same way. If I count the days of sobriety I go crazy; if I focus on health and loving myself, the cravings seem to be less prominent. Is this a head game? Yes. But for now I'm happy to go with what works if it keeps me away from the pain of drunkenness.

Last Friday was my 5th wedding anniversary. I apologized to my husband for my behavior the night before, but he was still not in a great mood that evening. Since I had drank so much the night before, I was deep into craving mode all through our anniversary dinner. It was horrible. I did drink one small beer but that didn't help. All that I wanted to do was run home and drink more. How sick is this. Instead of enjoying the evening, the food, conversation with my husband... all I could think about was drinking. Luckily I woke up on Saturday morning with a fresh and clear mind (having not gotten plastered the night before). I ended up focusing on being healthy all weekend and into the beginning of this week. This means no AL beverages! There is beer in our fridge, but I'm not touching it. The fact that it is "there" and I'm not telling myself "no! this is day # so don't drink the beer" seems to keep my cravings away. I'm sure this is not the proper way to handle things but it seems to be working for me, so I'm going with it for now.

After work I will assist a visiting American colleague with some souvenir shopping then we will meet up with other colleagues for dinner. Right now, in my mind, all that I'm thinking is "be healthy this evening"... with the type of food I choose for dinner and the type of drink I choose at the table. So at the moment I feel no pressure to have a drink. Hopefully I will be able to keep up this feeling throughout the evening.

I must get to work now. I wish you all a wonderful day. I'll check in later today and I'll work hard on not feeling "dead" anymore. Keep posting, right?!

Much love and strength to you all. :h

**K9Lover** · May 22, 2013, 11:17 AM

The Folly of MS

Great post Mein!

I agree that "denying" yourself things rarely works, whether it be dieting or AL consumption. What I tell myself is "I don't have to drink anymore!"...it's more of a feeling of freedom rather than deprivation. As far as dieting, well, I'm still working on that one...LOL...but I do know that if I don't focus on what I CAN'T have, I don't want it as badly! Head games? Yes, but they seem to work.

I could also relate to how you felt "dead" inside. Wow...I felt like that a lot when I first quit. I thought "Well if this is me sober, then I prefer drunk"...BUT...then reality hit and I would NEVER choose the drunk me over the sober me...no way. Again, it's all head games and the AL beast trying to get you to feed him. He will die if you starve him, so don't ever give in!

Keep posting, and read, read, read. I look forward to hearing more from you!

K9

**Mein Sonnenschein** · May 23, 2013, 02:42 AM

The Folly of MS

K9Lover;1509027 wrote:
I could also relate to how you felt "dead" inside. Wow...I felt like that a lot when I first quit. I thought "Well if this is me sober, then I prefer drunk"...BUT...then reality hit and I would NEVER choose the drunk me over the sober me...no way. Again, it's all head games and the AL beast trying to get you to feed him. He will die if you starve him, so don't ever give in!

K9... you hit the nail on the head here! That is exactly how I felt during my anniversary dinner last Friday night. "If this is what it means to feel sober... then I prefer drunk". It was a complete absence of emotion, which is not something you would think to feel during an anniversary dinner! And it had nothing to do with my husband, he's great. It is all me. When I read what I just wrote I realize how ridiculous AL is to cause feelings like this! I hope this feeling passes soon because me as a sober person seems to have so much more personality. Thank you so much for your response and support!

I'm still working to gain more control. I did go to dinner with my work colleagues last night, and I did drink one beer at dinner. This may sound like a failure to many of you, but for me this is an accomplishment. Typically I would order a drink with the highest AL content (wine, liquor) just so I could get drunk as quick as possible. Instead I slowly sipped a beer with dinner with the goal of NOT getting drunk. When I got home I actually opened another beer... then quickly poured it down the drain and treated myself to a sweet snack instead. I momentarily berated myself for not going AF for the evening but tried to remain positive that at least I'm moving away from my old habits and eventually, with strength and love, I won't need to have a drink AT ALL. So here's the plan for tonight: Avoid going out with work colleagues and hit the gym instead. I usually don't crave after working out so if I get in a good workout tonight then I will (hopefully) avoid any cravings this evening. One day at a time, working towards the goal.

**Mein Sonnenschein** · May 23, 2013, 03:35 AM

The Folly of MS

Here is something crazy that I heard at my office yesterday. I work for a very small software consulting company and since we are so small, we sometimes behave more like a family than a company. So usually when we are all traveling there is drinking involved, there are companies BBQs, holiday parties... etc. I've heard many people in my company say "if you don't drink, you don't fit in with this company". Of course I have never spoken to anyone that I work with about my troubles with AL so no one knows what I'm going through. But how crazy it is that this is the attitude? I'm sure the people saying this are the people that can control their consumption. But still... it's like you are only one of the "cool kids" if you drink AL.

**NoSugar** · May 23, 2013, 07:06 AM

The Folly of MS

Mein Sonnenschein;1509369 wrote: I'm sure the people saying this are the people that can control their consumption. But still... it's like you are only one of the "cool kids" if you drink AL.

Actually, MS, I suspect the people who say this kind of thing are, at some level, aware they have a problem - it is sort of a backhanded justification. The people I know who truly drink moderately wouldn't even think to comment on such a thing.

Glad you're back with us! :hug: NS

**K9Lover** · May 23, 2013, 11:47 AM

The Folly of MS

I agree with NS...those aren't the "cool kids"...those are the closet alcoholics.

And also, that sounds a bit discriminatory to me...hmmm, you have to drink to work there (or at least "fit in")...I'm sure the Human Resources Department (if there is one) would disagree strongly with that statement.....just sayin'.

**Tess-2** · May 23, 2013, 06:08 PM

The Folly of MS

Mein Sonnenschein;1509369 wrote: Here is something crazy that I heard at my office yesterday. I work for a very small software consulting company and since we are so small, we sometimes behave more like a family than a company. So usually when we are all traveling there is drinking involved, there are companies BBQs, holiday parties... etc. I've heard many people in my company say "if you don't drink, you don't fit in with this company". Of course I have never spoken to anyone that I work with about my troubles with AL so no one knows what I'm going through. But how crazy it is that this is the attitude? I'm sure the people saying this are the people that can control their consumption. But still... it's like you are only one of the "cool kids" if you drink AL.

You see, Mein, you write at the beginning of your post, "Here is something crazy that I heard at my office yesterday." You know, intuitively, that what is going on in your company is crazy. Crazy!!

It's true in our society that in order to be one of the "cool kids" you must drink alcohol. This is true whether you are a homemaker, a business person, or a university student. HOWEVER, it is possible to swim against the current. People may mock you, but I believe that in their deepest place of being, they will admire you and all of us who choose to be happy without a drink in our hand.

It is SO painful to be judged, Mein, I know!! We All want to fit in and be accepted and loved. Of course we do!! I don't know anyone who wants to be rejected and laughed at. Still, and this is the absolute truth, by choosing beverages other than alcohol, you are giving people hope.

Mein, you are not the only one who goes home after the party with regrets. People don't usually talk about this, AT ALL. But so many, so very many, are in pain just as you are. They are struggling just like you. They hurt. But you would never, ever know it to look at them or to listen to the way they talk.

It's hard, really very difficult, to take a stand in a culture that deems alcohol to be the WAY to "coolness" and "tons of fun." It's all a charade.

When you choose not to drink alcohol, though you may not know it, you give others that same freedom.

I know that you are struggling. But here's the deal, Mein: things are not always what they seem to be. ~

**K9Lover** · May 23, 2013, 06:16 PM

The Folly of MS

Awesome post Tess!!!

**NoSugar** · May 23, 2013, 06:54 PM

The Folly of MS

Tess-2;1509770 wrote:
Mein, you are not the only one who goes home after the party with regrets. People don't usually talk about this, AT ALL. But so many, so very many, are in pain just as you are. They are struggling just like you. They hurt. But you would never, ever know it to look at them or to listen to the way they talk.
[/B]. ~

No one except people on MWO and the million or so lurkers :H know the extent of the problem I had. They now think I'm being weirdly over-the-top about what I will and will not eat or drink and chalk it up to "those issues"... It might be an interesting poll (oh, BYRRRRR -DDDDIE!!!!!) -

For the most part, did you over-consume alchohol
1. only in a social setting.
2. only in private.
3. any opportunity that came my way.
?

My answer would be # 2 because I would get home ASAP after 1 or maybe 2 drinks in public and over-consume. So, except on a couple isolated occasions that can easily be dismissed as 'tying one on' no one would "ever have known it to look at me or to listen to the way I talked".

Good observations, Tess. What is this new career you're embarking on? Counseling, I hope :h .

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