The Folly of MS

[Mein Sonnenschein]

The Folly of MS

Thank you all for following this thread. I love hearing from you!

June, I plan to read more on addiction as well. It's actually been fun to sit and think about what I could do other than drinking myself into a horrible stupor. When I was young and in college, I never had these habits. I was very good with eating well, exercised often, worked hard and I only drank on the weekends or at parties. I never drank alone and never had the urge to drink alone. So strange how we develop these habits/addictions... whatever we want to call it... over a long time period. I know the point when I developed this issue (after a traumatic death) and somehow I've connected this to dealing with everyday life. It will take time to disconnect drinking from dealing with issues.

This morning while I was putting away clean dishes from the dishwasher, I discovered my nice corkscrew and foil cutter in one of the coffee cups in my cabinet. WTF. I must have put that there one evening when I was trying to hide the fact that I opened a bottle of wine. I subsequently forgot where I put this equipment and I have been searching for it for months! Geez. How ridiculous did I feel this morning! I had actually been searching for this corkscrew in my closet, my normal hiding place. And here is was, in my coffee cup cabinet. Craziness. I still find bottles stashed in every drawer, nook and cranny in my closet, in my home office... etc. I vow that from now on when I find these bottles, I will take a silent moment to reflect on what that means and how sick I've been been all these years to feel like this is the only way out.

And as much as I wrote about being selfish yesterday, I also want to concentrate on not being selfish. I will definitely focus more on taking care of myself, but, I also want to nurture my relationships with my family (husband, brother, parents... dog... yes, even my dog knew when mama had too much). Not sure how I'm going to get there yet but at least that is another thing I can think about instead of taking a drink.

I hope you all are having a good week so far. Much love and strength to you all today!

[mylife]

The Folly of MS

Hello!

MS - I can hear you on finding old bottles. My husband was cleaning out under a bed in the guestroom of his parents house and found a 4-pack of empty small wine bottles. I must have stashed it there - who knows when - but how embarassing. I was obviously keeping my own private stash so I wouldn't look like an Alkie when I drank at their house....(sigh)

Today, I am so happy to be AF!

[Mein Sonnenschein]

The Folly of MS

Hello all, thank you again for following my online "journal". I'm sorry I have not had a chance to post in the past few days. I have a big task at work right now so I'm trying to keep my head in the game and do a good job.

This past Wednesday was the funeral of my husband's grandmother. It was more difficult than I anticipated. Luckily I was sober and could support my husband and his family. She was a wonderful person but unfortunately I did not get to know her as well as I could due to our language barrier (she spoke Swabian dialect German). May she rest in peace.

Immediately after the family dinner post funeral, my husband and I drove to our place in Switzerland. Hubs has vacation and will be playing in a few golf tournaments. I plan to work from our apartment and enjoy the evenings and weekends with him and our pup. We arrived in Switzerland on Wednesday night shortly before midnight, and what was in our fridge... beer. Lots of it! OMG, I was so tempted my mouth was salivating. Instead I immediately poured myself a big glass of apple juice and headed to the bedroom so I was not around the fridge anymore. The next morning I could not take it anymore so I popped a can of beer (my favorite Swiss beer BTW) and took a swig... after which I realized that "I don't even want this" and poured the rest of the can's contents down the drain. I count this as a victory for me because I literally DID NOT WANT THE BEER. That usually never happens! Later that afternoon when I walked with my pup... I felt so good! No AL haze, no gasping for breath because of drinking too much all day. I was able to slow down, enjoy the beautiful alps views and the sunshine and feel totally GOOD. It was great and I was truly happy and happy to be sober!

But... one day at a time. Today is a new day. I'm currently drinking Diet Coke with a lemon wedge and I plan to stick with that all day, despite the beer and wine surrounding me in our apartment. And it actually feels good to not want the beer/wine while it is standing right in front of me. Happy today. But... I need to slow myself down again. One day at a time.

But, as you all have experienced, the sugar cravings are pretty intense. The Diet Coke helps but not perfectly. Last night I ate a great piece of German bread and I plan to buy more at the bakery today. Otherwise I plan to keep eating mostly sugar-free as much as I can (special thanks to NS for all of the advice so far!!!).

I wish you all a wonderful Friday. Again, thank you for following my journal and much love and strength to you all. :l

[Mein Sonnenschein]

The Folly of MS

mylife;1538162 wrote: Hello!

MS - I can hear you on finding old bottles. My husband was cleaning out under a bed in the guestroom of his parents house and found a 4-pack of empty small wine bottles. I must have stashed it there - who knows when - but how embarassing. I was obviously keeping my own private stash so I wouldn't look like an Alkie when I drank at their house....(sigh)

Today, I am so happy to be AF!

I had to do that here at our Swiss apartment as well. While my husband was unloading the car and arranging his golf stuff, I did a quick sweep of the bedroom to see if there were any old bottles or tetra-pack of wine that I had stashed before. What's even worse... we share the apartment with his parents, so they could have found my stash at any time. All empty, I assure you. What a horrible feeling that is... to not be sure if you have empties hidden. I look forward to the day when I never have to worry about this again.

[NoSugar]

The Folly of MS

MS,

I think you have passed some BIG hurdles - Congratulations! I really think that the more we know about ourselves and about alcoholism, the more impossible it becomes to enjoy that drink that the damaged part of our brain wrongly thinks we want so much. You would have to chug a lot very quickly and get drunk fast and into a stupor to be out of it enough to not remember the consequences of what you're doing. So with those outcomes now always on my mind, for me, the fun is gone. And why do things that aren't fun if we don't have to???

It must have felt great to truly be there for your husband at this sad time. I've had some similar experiences and it feels so good to be 'the adult others can trust'. Talk about a self-confidence boost!

Oh... not too many of us get to get to gaze at the Alps as we walk our dogs! You are very fortunate in many ways . What kind of dog do you have?

Please don't worry about the sugar cravings too much til you get a good amount of time AF under your belt. I think giving up sugar first was easier but for anyone who is on MWO, I think the reverse order is a much better idea and it certainly can be done. Do you have Egyptian tea in your stores there? It is an anise tea with some stevia in it. It is really good (if you like licorice) and the slight hint of sweetness might be something you would enjoy. If you add lemon to it, it sort of tastes like coke which makes me think lemon and anise must be in coke.

I am so happy for you - you should be very proud. Keep going a day at a time and you'll be amazed at how quickly they add up.

:l NS

[Neddy Merrill]

The Folly of MS

MS, apart from the obvious biological difference and geographical distances our stories have much in common: being nasty at important times ( I am thinking back here to your first post and the tickets for the golf and the unceremonious way you presented your gift), making promises to oneself and being unable to keep them, stashing booze where, you think, it can't be found and the list goes on.

I applaud your honesty and your burning desire to beat this addiction.

Today I am sober and I am very grateful. As I am on holiday just now and alone in the house I would have usually started drinking as soon a I awoke and drank myself in and out of consciousness all day until it was time to go to bed. What kind of an existence is that? Today I have a plan, things to do, a weekend (nay a life!) to look forward to and kind, wise, splendid people here at MWO to make my journey easier.

[free at last]

The Folly of MS

Dear MS,
Just back from hiking holiday (in Switzerland!) and glad to hear that you are continuiing on your journey of AF living. I saw firsthand the heavy alchohol culture there and will write more on that after I finish a few appointments today.

Am so glad that you could be present for your husband and family during your grandmother's services. That is a wonderful gift to give to others -- to be there for them.

Have to run, will be online later today.

[Mein Sonnenschein]

The Folly of MS

Good morning and happy Monday. It's a nice rainy/humid morning here in Germany.

I hope everyone had a good weekend. My weekend was full of ups and downs. Last Friday evening I was weak and chose to buy four mini bottles of schnapps at the check-out counter of the grocery store. I went into the store only needing dog food, but the schnapps was just too tempting. As soon as I arrived home I downed the four mini bottles in anticipation that this would help me unwind during dinner with my husband. Well, of course that was a LIE I told myself. As soon as we arrived at dinner I was completely agitated and my husband was completely confused. This of course led him on a quest to search my closet for bottles, which he found. Oh this vicious cycle.

On Saturday morning I felt like a complete idiot and completely depressed. I stayed in bed until 12pm, watching TV with my pup. Finally, I pulled myself together and started working on one of my favorite past times... organizing. Yes, I love to have a clean and organized house... but somehow the AL takes that away. I decided that even so I had screwed up the evening before, I was going to not let myself be taken away from ME so I began organizing both my thoughts and my closet. Found even more bottles (how long is this going to happen?) and immediately tossed them out. This may sound crazy, but my goal was to make my closet a place of peace and not a place of stress... not a place to run to in order to down AL as fast as I can.

Sunday we woke early, rode 15 miles on the bike followed by 12 holes of golf. Even so my depression was telling me "sit inside and sulk"... I made myself do it and actually fell into bad last night exhausted from the day rather than exhausted from AL.

Today I'm making a plan. First of all, NO grocery store for me. Even so it is raining I can still go to the driving range and hit some golf balls from under the covered section. Followed by some house up-keep and German homework. More than anything I hope I keep to this schedule this evening. I don't want to think about drinking anything... not water, not juice... I'm just keeping that thought out of my mind for now.

Gotta run. Thank you for taking the time to listen to me. Much love and strength to you all.

[free at last]

The Folly of MS

Dear Mein, how great to see a post from you.

First, congrats on getting out for a 15 mile bike ride and a round of golf. That will get the endorphins kicking in. Also, good for you for having a schedule, which includes avoiding the grocery store. I literally take the long way home from my subway stop just so I don't walk by the wine store.

I am sorry your weekend was tough. Alcohol is not a friend to any of us. He tells us in his sweet voice that he'll make us feel better but WHAM, we are left with that hollow, sick, disgusting feeling in the morning. He really is a creep. Period.

Keep trying to post your progress and join us in the Newbies' nest or the AF August. There are a lot of people in early stages of sobriety.

Again, so glad to "see" you here.

Warmest,

[Mein Sonnenschein]

The Folly of MS

Happy Tuesday morning to everyone! Last night was a true success. Not only did I completely avoid AL, but I managed to eat healthy as well. The sugar cravings are intense (as expected) so I allowed myself a spoonful of honey to quench the cravings before dinner, then I made a cauliflower "pizza" for dinner and it was great! For those of you who are looking to eat healthy I highly recommend this recipe as an easy way to avoid sugar and carbs, up your veggie intake and generally feel good. After eating a healthy dinner without AL I actually did not feel like I was missing anything, but felt good about my decisions. This does not happen every evening, but it certainly did yesterday and that is a small victory for me.

Here is a link to the recipe. The title of the recipe is for garlic bread sticks but I actually follow the instructions for the "crust" then top with veggies, tuna or chicken, thus making a "pizza". Creative freedom!

An Edible Mosaic ? Cauliflower Crust Garlic “Breadsticks”

Healthy eating, healthy thinking... that is the goal for today. Hoping to hit some golf balls this evening (the weather was crap yesterday so I didn't get the chance). Followed by a fresh salad and reading a good book.

Much love and strength to you all today. Thank you for taking the time to listen to me!

[NoSugar]

The Folly of MS

Thanks for the link MS! I used to think cauliflower was such a boring vegetable but it turns out to be so useful.
I make cauliflower rice sometimes (https://www.mywayout.org/community/f4...s-4-73623.html). I haven't had pizza in awhile - maybe your recipe will give me the push I need.
Hmmmm... Perhaps a spinach and feta pizza...

It sure sounds like you've got your thinking right where it needs to be .
I hope you're having a great day!

:h NS

[Mein Sonnenschein]

The Folly of MS

NS, you should try it out! I was pleasantly surprised at how good the recipe turned out. I'm with you, I usually think of cauliflower as a boring vegetable so I tended to avoid eating it.

I had a successful evening so far! Every Tuesday night my husband has training and dinner with his golf team and I usually use this as an excuse to binge drink since he's out for the evening. But I am happy to report that I drove straight home from the office (Yes! I went to the office today! Take that depression!), I did not go to the grocery store, and as soon as I arrived home I made a healthy low carb dinner. I probably ate more than I should but at least it was salad and not junk food. LOL. Happy to be AF right now.

[Unwasted]

The Folly of MS

Hi MS, you're sounding great. Just wanted to say congrats on slowly getting your thinking and habits changed. It takes time, I can attest to that. But I think if we don't give up we can do it! Best to you!

[Mein Sonnenschein]

The Folly of MS

Thank you Un! MWO and the great people on here definitely help. I left the forum page up all day on my computer so when I had a free moment I could take a look. That definitely helped me be strong in during the evening (witching hour).

I hope you are doing well!

[Mein Sonnenschein]

The Folly of MS

Good morning and happy Wednesday.

Wow, three days with a sober wake up is wonderful. I'm totally crabby and in a bad mood with a killer headache (LOL) but I am sober. That feels good. The crabbiness comes from the temperatures this morning. It has been in the 40sF the past two mornings with highs only in the low 60sF. That might not sound too bad for some of you but the summertime in my part of Germany didn't begin until early July so I'm not ready for the autumn temperatures yet. I hope this is only temporary and that we can hold onto summer a bit longer. I'm still a Southern USA girl at heart and I like the heat!

So I did cave last night and had a sugary treat... a spoonful of honey and peanut butter, two of my favorites. I know I should be fighting the sugar cravings as well but I'm going to take it slowly. At least I'm fighting the AL cravings for now. Sugar will come second.

Made a lovely breakfast of eggs, salsa and cheese so at least the morning started out healthy!

The depression has kind of hit me this morning and I'm not sure why. Usually this type of feeling in the morning is what drives me to a drink in the evening so I'm going to stick close to you guys today. Please forgive me for this rambling post today.

Much love and strength to you all.