The Folly of MS

[free at last]

The Folly of MS

Hi MS, am now among the living since my intense work week is over. How goes it by you?

[Mein Sonnenschein]

The Folly of MS

Hello all. I'm sorry that I've been away for a few weeks. The black dog has been sitting next to me the past few weeks and I've basically felt like being alone. And of course I've used this as an excuse to drink. Today I'm feeling sad again for no reason. No reason! That's just how it goes lately. No trigger, nothing bad going on in my life right now. It makes no sense! I should be so grateful for my life, but instead my concentration level is zero and I feel like crying all the time. But... I did pull myself out of the house today and I'm sitting in the office rather than sitting in my home office and crying all day. So I am amongst the living. I have to go to the grocery store later and I WILL stay away from all of the AL. I know the AL makes it worse. I know this. But sometimes I am stupid and think that the quick fix will make things better. I did make an appointment with my regular doctor to evaluate my AD medication. My therapist thinks that what I'm taking is not strong enough and that I may need something stronger for now. Who knows what is right. I thought that making a list and taking back some control will help so first thing this morning I wrote a to-do list for today... have a plan, right?! Healthy food, gym after work, attempt to meditate (I'm very new to this) and read. Try to stay away from the tv if I can (it reminds me of home and I think takes me too far away from the right now). Ok, venting done... thank you for taking the time to read this.

Free... I hope you are doing well! I think of you and my other "friends" here often. I'm so sorry that I've been away.

Much love and strength to you all today! :l

[free at last]

The Folly of MS

Dear MS,
So glad to see you back and posting. And, that you have a plan for today. We are here for you.

Warmest

[Mein Sonnenschein]

The Folly of MS

Good morning from Germany. Another rainy day here. I have a feeling that this coming autumn/winter is going to end up just like last year... long, cold and no sunshine. When I used to live in the USA, I visualized London or Seattle as rainy and chilly, not Germany. Well... I've lived here for almost three years and I can attest that my little village sees more gray skies and rain than sunshine. I almost lived in Seattle years ago so I guess I was destined for this in one way or another.

Yesterday went well and I'm happy to report that I do have a doctor's appointment today to discuss my AD medication. I do not like the fact that I'm reliant on a drug at the moment, but whatever works is fine with me. There is so much swirling around my head... I know I need to sort things out and I know that is a process. If the drugs help me for now, than so be it. It's better than the alternative. I hate to bring up this kind of topic but lately I have had thoughts that all I ever do is burden my husband, his family, my family... and maybe the world would be better off without me. I understand that this is a dangerous way of thinking so I'm hoping that my talk with the doctor today helps this. This isn't the first time I've had these types of thoughts but it's most certainly the strongest. I hope you all don't mind me being so honest. I'm sure the AL haze has not helped this at all, of course. I did manage to go to the grocery store yesterday and not buy any AL... but I was in tears in the parking lot. My crazy thought process was that the cure to all of my problems are in those little bottles, so why can I not just take the easy way out and drink??? It's so frustrating to not be able to do simple things like buy groceries without stress and anxiety.

Even so I had a huge headache, I forced myself to go to the gym yesterday evening... and I really did feel better after a 45 minute cardio session. I know that exercise is good for me and for the depression, it's just the getting out of the house part that is difficult. But I did it. And I'm glad that I did. I made a healthy dinner last night for myself and the hubs... grilled salmon and cauliflower "pizza".

So, for today. Doc appointment coming up shortly. I'm currently sitting in my office again, not my home office (two days in a row!). FYI, I've been lately hiding in my home office for work so getting out and going to my actual office is a big accomplishment for me. So it getting dressed, doing my hair... etc. I thought I might try to play golf for a bit this evening but that will depend on the weather. Currently it's only 39F with a high of 45F today... so I'm not sure that's golf weather! If I wimp out in the cold weather I'm considering skipping golf and going back to the gym. Anything to keep me out of the house for a bit. There's no AL at home, but I know myself and I could easily convince myself to go to the liquor store on the way home and buy a few bottles of my fav wine. I'm also writing my to do list in the notebook I carry with me so I'm looking at it all day.

I hope you all are doing well. Much love and strength to you all, today and everyday!

[NoSugar]

The Folly of MS

Hi, MS

Please be sure you discuss all the thoughts you've been having with your doctor, ok? Some AD can actually worsen some of them so it is really important. Also, mixing alcohol with some of them can be dangerous so please, please take care of yourself. :lNS

[dryer]

The Folly of MS

MS remember your thoughts are like many of ours, you are normal. Don't beat yourself up.

[Mein Sonnenschein]

The Folly of MS

NS... as always, thank you so much for the support! I was very honest with my doctor today, telling him about all of the bad feelings, not going out of the house, etc. He agrees with my therapist that the dosage of my AD medication should be upped a bit. This of course is not the ONLY thing that needs to be done. Staying AL free and positive are also two big factors that will help me work through my depression. The strength to stay AF is what I am going to focus on for a while. And like you said, this type of medication and ADs do not mix, and I've been doing that for over a year. Not healthy!

Dryer... thank you for saying that. Sometimes when I'm sitting alone, crying and throwing a pity party, I think to myself "why can't I just be normal????". Of course there is no real definition of normal, but I feel so far removed from anything right now... can not make heads or tails of my thoughts or emotions... that I guess I perceive myself to be not normal. But we all have our struggle, right!? It's good to know that there are people out there that understand.

Well... I was planning on golf this evening but it is waaaaaaaay to cold for me. Instead I plan to keep busy with cleaning out the fireplace and building a nice big fire for me and my dog. My hubs is playing golf tonight so I will have some alone time, which I am grateful for. I will look up the meditation app and try that out. I'm nervous about meditation because I can't keep my head quiet enough to work and sleep, so how will I ever be successful at meditation? My therapist gave me a German meditation CD but... of course it's in German and my language skills are not that good yet.

I wish you all a good day. Much love and strength to you all. :l

[NoSugar]

The Folly of MS

Hi, again, MS. I'm glad you told the doctor all of your story so s/he'll be keeping an eye out for any interactions or side effects.

I also am horrible at quieting my mind but those free apps generally are for very short period sessions (10 or 15 min). I've managed to make myself devote that amount of time most days in the last few weeks and am getting better at it (although of course the whole point is to stop trying to "force" things!). Hope you find one you like.

Have a good evening in front of the fire. :h NS

Mein Sonnenschein;1557572 wrote:
I will look up the meditation app and try that out. I'm nervous about meditation because I can't keep my head quiet enough to work and sleep, so how will I ever be successful at meditation? My therapist gave me a German meditation CD but... of course it's in German and my language skills are not that good yet.
:l

[free at last]

The Folly of MS

Mein S,
So glad you are speaking to your doctor about this. Below is a link for guided meditations from a practictioner I greatly respect. I think they may be useful for you.

Tara Brach - Audio - Guided Meditations

[Mein Sonnenschein]

The Folly of MS

Thank you guys for the meditation suggestions. I will definitely check that out.

Feeling a bit sad today but I'm in the office... again! That's three days in a row of dragging myself out of bed, actually getting ready and leaving the house in the morning. Sounds crazy but that's actually an accomplishment for me lately. I spent so much time the past month in comfy clothes, sitting in my home office, locked away from the world with a glass of wine in hand by early afternoon (sometimes around 3pm, for shame). I know that part of the process is to work against the urges to pull away so I'm forcing myself to do the "little" things like take care of myself.

So last night I definitely wimped out on playing golf. It was COLD. Not chilly, COLD. Ugh. I'm sure some of you know that I spent much of my life in warmer weather so I'm not a big fan of the cold. Instead of going to the golf course I came home and busied myself with organizing and tidying up the house. I did not light the fire last night but I did clean out the fireplace and stacked new logs so it's ready to go tonight. Around 7:30pm my hubs called and invited me to eat dinner at a pizzeria with his golf team so it was nice to get out of the house a bit. I opted for a fresh caprese salad rather than pizza and stayed AWAY from any wine. So that's the good news. Avoided my vice AND ate healthy.

Today's plan... fresh salad for lunch, keeping with the healthy eating. Question for any of you who are eating healthy or keeping away from sugar... how much dairy do you allow into your diet? Currently I used almond milk in my morning coffee, I usually drink a glass of milk with lunch and I do add Grana Padano cheese to most of my salads (grated and sprinkled). After my healthy lunch and work this afternoon, I will visit the gym again and work out for a bit before an evening work meeting. I will again try to stay away from the TV and put myself into bed early (10pm is early for me). I hope more sleep will also help the depression.

I hope everyone is having a good day. Much love and strength to you all.

[NoSugar]

The Folly of MS

It sounds like you're really trying, MS. The goal to get out every day sounds like a good one. Self-imposed isolation definitely was part of my downfall.

If dairy products don't negatively affect how you feel, I sure would go ahead and enjoy them. Have you tried not eating any for an extended period to see if there are any effects? I try to eat products from cows raised on pasture and not given hormones or unnecessary antibiotics. It is likely easier to get those foods in Germany because I don't think use of bovine growth hormone is legal there.

Hope you have another good day! :h NS

[free at last]

The Folly of MS

Dear Mein S,
I agree wholeheartedly with your efforts to make yourself get out of the apartment. When I first started working from home is when my drinking really took off. Now, when I am not on the road and working from my home office, I schedule an afternooon appointment so I have to get out of comfy clothes, and meet someone at their office or for a coffee. The isolation is not good for me.

Also, when I read your post I thought about seasonal affective disorder (SAD), which I have. People with this tend to have more/deeper depression during the periods of limited light/sunshine. When I lived in a place that was foggy during the winter, we would drive out of town on the weekend so I could get some sunshine. Amazing how much it helped me.

We are pulling for you -- not drinking and exercise are two of the best things you can do for yourself.

[Mein Sonnenschein]

The Folly of MS

Free, you are spot on with SAD. Last winter, Germany had the least amount of sunshine in recorded weather history! My doctor suggested that I start taking vitamin D tablets every day. It was brutal. I could definitely feel the depression much deeper during those months. I'm hoping that this winter season is not so bad. Getting out of town is a good idea... hopefully not all of Germany will be cloud covered this winter season! I also understand what you mean about isolation. The truth is, I am isolated at my office as well. No one really talks to me; I usually sit alone in a room or with one or two people. And I hate to say it, but the people here are just not as friendly as my colleagues in the USA. There is a stereotype that the German people are grumpy and unfriendly, but I never believed it until I actually lived here. When I'm at home in the USA, I'm completely bowled over with how friendly everyone is. Interesting to compare the two cultures. Anyhoo... forcing myself to get out of the house, even to sit alone in the office, has been good for me. I'm still in the state of having a black cloud over my head, but I'm less tempted to take a trip to the liquor store.

NS, I did cut out all dairy about 10 years ago, for reasons that I had heard dairy can contribute to skin allergies and acne. I was successful with soy products (milk, cheese) for about three years. But then I started eating cheese again because I LOVE IT... LOL. And now my skin is OK so I don't worry too much about dairy products, but I am curious if it really does contribute to a healthy lifestyle (you hear contradicting stories all the time). I'm not going to cut it out completely, but, for a while I believe I will limit the amount of dairy that I eat. It's always nice to talk to you about food!

Love hearing from you guys. Thank you for sticking with me. Today I had a crappy morning. I found out yesterday that I will most likely not be participating on a work project that we have starting soon close to home (Paris). I thought that I would be a logical project team member since I live closer to Paris than my colleagues that live in the USA, but, instead they are sending two of my colleagues from the USA to work on the project start up. I'm completely bummed and bawled my eyes out last night... over work. Something is not right here. This morning was no better... As soon as I woke up the tears come out again and my husbands first reaction was "please do not use this as an excuse to go to the liquor store... please be good". Whoa. He didn't think "let me give her a hug", "let me make her feel better"... his first thought was "please don't drink because I don't want to deal with you". Sometimes I forget that my drinking is not a one man show, and that it truly does affect the people around you in such a way that would cause a reaction similar to my hubs. Scary. Of course I'm NOT going to drink away this blue day. Instead, I made a healthy smoothie this morning, I'm planning on a healthy lunch (chicken sandwich made with lettuce instead of bread) and I'm going to drive directly to the gym after work for at least an hour of cardio. It's only 10am and I feel the urge to drink and forget about my worries so I've written my plan out carefully in my notebook so I'm looking at it all day. Geez this thing is frustrating sometimes. :upset:

[free at last]

The Folly of MS

Dear Mein,
Glad to see you have a plan. The SAD is real -- I encourage you to make a pact with your husband to get out of town at least twice a month to explore other, SUNNY, areas. Perhaps your neighbors are grumpy because of the lack of sunshine! Sometimes you don't have to drive far, just out of a valley.

Re work -- is it possible to ask to be put on the assignment as well? Your colleagues may not be moving over permanently and it would be good to have someone nearby to troubleshoot?

Keep going in the effort to be AF. It takes some time (and I am still plodding along--my struggles are not daily, more like 1-2 a week now) but well worth the effort.

Please let us know how your day went. Hopefully, you are on your way to the gym about now.

Warmest,

[I'm Strong and in Control]

The Folly of MS

Mein - sorry that you have a temporary rough patch. I suspect you've been through much, much worse - I hope that gives you encouragement in this moment. Maybe a bit of my old age wisdom, but I've learned to trust what the universe presents to me as being the right choice. Don't dwell on feeling lonely and isolated - who can you reach out to? I force myself to go out outside for a quick walk during lunch every day. Even on grey, rainy, overcast days the sun is up there somewhere! Something about being outside - even surrounded by concrete monoliths and exhaust fumes - restores me. Look for something to make you smile today.