I am finally ready but I need help.

[free at last]

I am finally ready but I need help.

Hi MossRose, just checking in to see how you are doing?

[MossRose]

I am finally ready but I need help.

Thanks free at last. I know that I haven't been checking in enough. That's dangerous for me. You all keep me strong, focused and determined. So much love here. I feel like crying. I am finally ready to share why I have been so quiet.

Last week at work, a co-worker and friend collapsed at her desk. I was standing right there when it happened. It was apparent immediately that it was an emergency. I work for a very large company, and none of us knew what to do. It was chaos. It was traumatic. Our friend was dying and we were useless. I was useless. I don't know CPR (that changes now - I've already signed up for a class). But that doesn't change what's already happened. Fortunately a couple people from other departments heard the commotion and they did know what to do. They are my heroes. They gave her a fighting chance.

We have since learned that it was a massive heart attack. Anyway, I went to the hospital today and she is actually recovering. Still in critical condition, but there is hope. I have spent the last several days beating myself up. In fact not just me - everyone that was there that day feels the same way. Should have done this, should have done that... OMG,we all just feel so terrible. So, please send prayers for my friend. She needs them desperately.

I'm still hanging in there, but it's been tough. Although I'm pretty sure getting drunk isn't going to make anything better. I feel awful enough already.

As always, thanks for letting me vent.

[NoSugar]

I am finally ready but I need help.

MossRose;1520410 wrote: Thanks free at last. I know that I haven't been checking in enough. That's dangerous for me. You all keep me strong, focused and determined. So much love here. I feel like crying. I am finally ready to share why I have been so quiet.

Last week at work, a co-worker and friend collapsed at her desk. I was standing right there when it happened. It was apparent immediately that it was an emergency. I work for a very large company, and none of us knew what to do. It was chaos. It was traumatic. Our friend was dying and we were useless. I was useless. I don't know CPR (that changes now - I've already signed up for a class). But that doesn't change what's already happened. Fortunately a couple people from other departments heard the commotion and they did know what to do. They are my heroes. They gave her a fighting chance.

We have since learned that it was a massive heart attack. Anyway, I went to the hospital today and she is actually recovering. Still in critical condition, but there is hope. I have spent the last several days beating myself up. In fact not just me - everyone that was there that day feels the same way. Should have done this, should have done that... OMG,we all just feel so terrible. So, please send prayers for my friend. She needs them desperately.

I'm still hanging in there, but it's been tough. Although I'm pretty sure getting drunk isn't going to make anything better. I feel awful enough already.

As always, thanks for letting me vent.

I'm glad for you that drinking is not how you dealt with such a traumatic event, MossRose. You are right that it would not have helped anything but I can imagine that it would be tempting and could be easily twisted into an excuse.

I will be thinking of your friend - and you! I think you will enjoy the CPR class. It will feel good to know that you have the skills.

Don't be a stranger around here, ok ?

[free at last]

I am finally ready but I need help.

Hi Moss Rose,
I am sorry to hear about such a tramautic event, but thank goodness she has a fighting chance.

When I was in my 20s, I was a CPR instructor and one of my students actually brought back the pulse and respiration on a middle-aged man a couple of weeks after my class. Then, when I was in my 30s, I was first responder on two separate occasions. Each time, the person died. It was horrific.

I know how hard it is to watch another person struggle for life. Good for you for taking the course. I often think it should be required for graduation from high school.

[MossRose]

I am finally ready but I need help.

It was a rough day at work. Lots of sad and traumatized people. But we are like family there - a dysfunctional family - but a family nonetheless So we are there for one another. Unfortunately, she has taken a turn for the worse. But we are still hopeful. She is such a fighter.

Still sober but it seems to be getting harder, not easier. I'm reading Jason Vale's book and am finding it truly eye-opening. He wrote something I'll never forget. He was talking about when you pass out from drinking, and he said...your body can't keep you awake and alive at the same time. Wow - that really stuck with me. I had never thought of it that way.

I also downloaded a couple of self-hypnosis recordings. I have been listening to one in the morning and at night, and a subliminal one while I work. I think they are really helping.

Anyway, going to make some dinner. Hope you all have a peaceful and relaxing night.

Free & NS - I agree. Knowing CPR is the right thing to do. Free - it was the first responders at work that appeared the most traumatized today. I can't imagine what they are feeling. But they are heroes to all of us.

[kdog]

I am finally ready but I need help.

Just wanted to ad my welcome to mwo, so sorry I haven't been on in awhile, but am taking Kuya's advice and I am going to write instead of lurk! Sounds like you are on the right path. I hope all goes well for you!
Trust me I have gone many weeks without, then boom, then had to start again, ugh
I hope the last one, was the LAST one! Good luck!
Kdog
:h

[RitaNow]

I am finally ready but I need help.

Hi Moss Rose - I needed to stay up and read threads tonight ... even though I should be in bed. (I just completed day 4 AF and have a SPLITTING headache). But after reading your entire thread ... I know why I needed to stay up. There are some fantastic posts here. Both yours and the people responding. I copied and pasted many things here.

I KNOW you can do this. I KNOW I can do this too. If we keep reading reading reading and posting posting posting. There really is something magical about having this darn computer that holds a treatment like I never would have imagined.

So keep walking. You are NOT alone. Praying for your friend too. and for YOU too.
hugs

[MossRose]

I am finally ready but I need help.

For me, posting definitely does help. When I first got here, I felt so awkward and embarrassed telling my story. Kuya and the others are absolutely right. Lurking doesn't work. I will always be thankful that they encouraged me to fight my fear, and keep posting. It helps me stay accountable. Even when I have to admit that I slipped. Or I am having a really bad night, and wake up second-guessing myself - wondering if I posted something I shouldn't have because I was in a rotten mood. Then, I realize that the people here are amazing, and don't judge. And that keeps me going. Learning to stop lying to myself and others about my drinking and finally admitting the truth has been challenging, but oh so healing. I can only hope that one day, I will have the courage to be as honest in my real life, but I am not there yet. So MWO is my lifeline. kdog, it's nice to meet you. I'm glad you decided to come back.

Rita - so sorry that you are suffering from such a terrible headache, but glad to meet you. Hang in there!! We can do this.

[witts end]

I am finally ready but I need help.

Hi! moss rose how is it going
good your still here

[MossRose]

I am finally ready but I need help.

Still here, Witts. And I just read that you are heading into week 3! Impressive and inspiring. Yippee!

Just spent some time in the nest, and read some interesting stuff that I need to ponder tonight. I don't know why all of the sudden, I'm hanging on by a thread. But I am hanging on, so I guess that's something

So thrilled for you and glad to hear from you.

[NoSugar]

I am finally ready but I need help.

How can we help you strengthen that thread??

[MossRose]

I am finally ready but I need help.

Hey NS. I think you just did. I don't really know what happened. I just feel like I'm weakening. And that's scares me because I have been here so many times before.

Byrdie posted in the nest tonight about how AL NEVER makes anything better. I think I'm going to print that out and read it over and over again tonight.

I won't go buy wine now, because it's already getting late and I need to be up very early for work. Plus my son is coming home tonight and I don't want to be drinking when he gets here. He only stays here a few nights a week and I want it to be a good one.

But the urge is strong. One step at time, right?

[NoSugar]

I am finally ready but I need help.

You are far enough along that that is a Mental urge. It is annoying and stressful and it pisses you off. But you aren't bleeding or choking or seizing or anything life-threatening, right?

So take a deep breath and write to us . What are your hobbies?

[MossRose]

I am finally ready but I need help.

LOL. That was hilarious. Thanks - a good laugh really helped. The hobbies that have saved my sanity are gardening I'm sort of militant about it. haha. Love the Monstanto rant thread in Holistic Healing. I'm also into anything to do with fiber. Crochet, knit, spin, weave. I love it all. However during my drinking years, I didn't pursue any of them. I am proud to say that I am almost finished with a table runner I have been crocheting for my mom. It's a start

[NoSugar]

I am finally ready but I need help.

MossRose;1521211 wrote: LOL. That was hilarious. Thanks - a good laugh really helped. The hobbies that have saved my sanity are gardening I'm sort of militant about it. haha. Love the Monstanto rant thread in Holistic Healing. I'm also into anything to do with fiber. Crochet, knit, spin, weave. I love it all. However during my drinking years, I didn't pursue any of them. I am proud to say that I am almost finished with a table runner I have been crocheting for my mom. It's a start

It is nice to get back to hobbies! I have been a big reader since my Nancy Drew days and missed that (reading, not Nancy!) over the last several years. I am reading more again, thank goodness, but I'm pretty scattered and tend to jump from book to book - I think that might be one downside of reading using a kindle app - several books are always available. I also like fiber arts and have made many quilts. I usually am big on gardening but with travel and rain this spring at inopportune times, it isn't going as well as usual this year.

Bet you don't want a glass of wine anymore...