:new: Hi there people I will start off by saying I was molested as a 7 year old, I feel that has a lot to do with my addictive personality, I am not using it as an excuse but I shall explain.
I never really noticed the damaging effects of the abuse until I reached 12 years old puberty age secondary school, coincidentally that summer holiday I had had a terrible mountain bike accident, no t-shirt, severe friction burns, left nipple burned off, fractured elbow,wrist, jaw and severe concussion,lost a few teeth, on morphine in hospital for 2 weeks,which didn't help me feel comfortable starting new school.
Starting big school that year I was a different person, where I had once been confident I was now extremely anxious, nervous, feeling like vomiting a lot, loose stools, like a deer in headlights, I started to skive school because of my anxiety, mixed with the wrong crowd, there I found alcohol, I loved it, it helped my anxiety and gave me freedom from it, but then I would feel rough next day.
When I was 15 I had been told not to come back to school because apparently I was a risk to the welfare officer, was offered no further education and got no exams ,then I found heroin, it was a God send, no hangover, absolute freedom from anxiety, peace,wrapped in cotton wool, but we all know the heroin story goes and I am not here to talk about that, long story short, from 15 to 23 I was a heroin addict, several stops in jail worst time of my life,but then I got clean and stayed off it to this day, 6 years, only thing I didn't see was my alcohol use creeping up behind me and getting ready to rugby tackle me back down to the ground, my drinking is not every day but it is very problematic as I am not getting things done as I need to, it makes my anxiety unbearable when I am sober.I drank 38 cans of stella this past wkend, I have been severely suicidal, I have no job, having this problem is so bad, it all boils down to the anxiety, which I know now comes from the abuse, I learned this from therapy and speaking to others who have the same problem, if only I had dealt with it differently then deciding to self medicate as that was very clearly not the right answer. I know now what I need to do, I need to live a sober lifestyle and completely change my ways, before I didn't want to accept that, I didn't want to admit I was damaged and different, I wanted to be able to work all week drink all wkend, now I know it's not for me, for me to have any type of joy in this life I have to be completely honest with myself, alcohol or any other substance cannot play any part in my life if I am to progress, for me it's do or die, my father died of alcohol abuse, if he hadn't died I wouldn't have been placed in the position to be abused, I have a daughter now who is nearly the same age I was when my father died, unfortunately I don't get to see her, I want to change that but first I have to change, I am determined, I swear to God there is NOTHING else in this world I want right now more then to be free of this problem, I want to be substance free and I am extremely determined, I am going to do everything in my power to achieve this dream, I dream of one day being a drugs/alcohol worker and helping those people who are in my position and doing a better job then the cretins who completely failed me when I was 15 year old, I feel my first hand experience will be of great use to helping others so long as first I can save myself, what an achievement it will be to turn my life around and achieve these goals, then I can be happy and hold my head high, my daughter would be able to feel proud of her dad, that's the goal! My immediate plan is antabuse, it sounds right for me, doc won't prescribe it, live in UK so internet it is. I will share my story on here how I get on with everything.I have been really enjoying reading through other peoples stories, what a great site, glad I found it, sorry to blab on
I never really noticed the damaging effects of the abuse until I reached 12 years old puberty age secondary school, coincidentally that summer holiday I had had a terrible mountain bike accident, no t-shirt, severe friction burns, left nipple burned off, fractured elbow,wrist, jaw and severe concussion,lost a few teeth, on morphine in hospital for 2 weeks,which didn't help me feel comfortable starting new school.
Starting big school that year I was a different person, where I had once been confident I was now extremely anxious, nervous, feeling like vomiting a lot, loose stools, like a deer in headlights, I started to skive school because of my anxiety, mixed with the wrong crowd, there I found alcohol, I loved it, it helped my anxiety and gave me freedom from it, but then I would feel rough next day.
When I was 15 I had been told not to come back to school because apparently I was a risk to the welfare officer, was offered no further education and got no exams ,then I found heroin, it was a God send, no hangover, absolute freedom from anxiety, peace,wrapped in cotton wool, but we all know the heroin story goes and I am not here to talk about that, long story short, from 15 to 23 I was a heroin addict, several stops in jail worst time of my life,but then I got clean and stayed off it to this day, 6 years, only thing I didn't see was my alcohol use creeping up behind me and getting ready to rugby tackle me back down to the ground, my drinking is not every day but it is very problematic as I am not getting things done as I need to, it makes my anxiety unbearable when I am sober.I drank 38 cans of stella this past wkend, I have been severely suicidal, I have no job, having this problem is so bad, it all boils down to the anxiety, which I know now comes from the abuse, I learned this from therapy and speaking to others who have the same problem, if only I had dealt with it differently then deciding to self medicate as that was very clearly not the right answer. I know now what I need to do, I need to live a sober lifestyle and completely change my ways, before I didn't want to accept that, I didn't want to admit I was damaged and different, I wanted to be able to work all week drink all wkend, now I know it's not for me, for me to have any type of joy in this life I have to be completely honest with myself, alcohol or any other substance cannot play any part in my life if I am to progress, for me it's do or die, my father died of alcohol abuse, if he hadn't died I wouldn't have been placed in the position to be abused, I have a daughter now who is nearly the same age I was when my father died, unfortunately I don't get to see her, I want to change that but first I have to change, I am determined, I swear to God there is NOTHING else in this world I want right now more then to be free of this problem, I want to be substance free and I am extremely determined, I am going to do everything in my power to achieve this dream, I dream of one day being a drugs/alcohol worker and helping those people who are in my position and doing a better job then the cretins who completely failed me when I was 15 year old, I feel my first hand experience will be of great use to helping others so long as first I can save myself, what an achievement it will be to turn my life around and achieve these goals, then I can be happy and hold my head high, my daughter would be able to feel proud of her dad, that's the goal! My immediate plan is antabuse, it sounds right for me, doc won't prescribe it, live in UK so internet it is. I will share my story on here how I get on with everything.I have been really enjoying reading through other peoples stories, what a great site, glad I found it, sorry to blab on
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