Trying...but failing endlessly!!!

[4everakid]

Hi all

I had come across this sight quite a few months back and had attempted to control my drinking. It was going well for a while, but then the bottom literally fell out. I live in Asia, and had a trip home for Christmas, it was after that time, upon my return, that I have begun to drink WAY more than ever....well, maybe, its hard to say, as times just seem to blur into one large chunk. I have decided again (due to redness in face, smellyness, lack of energy, disinterest in anything other than nightly beers..alone, weight, and a general fear of overall health) to quit drinking. I made that decision 1 month ago, and cannot think of one day I did not have a drink. I am not proud of that, even as I sit with beer in hand. I have a couple of questions.

#1. I am very interested in human behaviour. That said, I would love to know if there is anyone else out there who does this, and why we do it.
NOTE: My family says I self sabotage, which I completely agree to. They, however do not know to what extent - they think it is just relationships. In reality I am a 15year closet smoker, ex (because I'm in Asia, and too afraid of the embarrassment of getting sent to jail) drug conosseuir (sp? no clue), and long time closet 'alone' drinker. This they do not know, and many around me also do not know. For all of my old party friends, I was just the one who couldn't control themselves and always went overboard. In my twenties it was all well and good. Out for a good time, and the good times were fantastic. It seems since I have hit my 30's however, I do it all alone, by choice mind you. I am not happy about that choice.

The thing is, and here is the question. I have spent a lot of time contemplating this issue. It seems I have noticed, that whenever I have an important morning event (and having thought about this, it has gone on forever), those are the times when I will drink more than ever. I will either drudge through the foggyness of the event or will cancel altogether. In the past, this worked. But now as I get older, and I guess the shame I put on myself for doing it alone, I feel guiltier than ever. With this guilt, I do it more than ever. Furthermore, if I am sick, I tend to smoke more. What is this????? Why do I/we do that? Does anyone else do that? And, generally the more important the event, the heavier I will drink and smoke. Why? I am really trying to figure this out, as I assume it is the key to unlocking my destructive behaviour patterns. I would like to know if anyone else does that, and why maybe you do it? Or, did it? How did you correct it?

#2. Although I have tonnes of questions, I will limit it to two. My second question is related to health. Now this I would love a response to. A few months back, I started to have a throbbing above my right knee. Throbbing continued for a few days and then my leg blew up like a balloon. Quite literally. My right leg was 3xs the size of my left. I went to the doc, and he sucked out (I can't remember the exact # of cc's) out of my leg with a syringe. The fluid was a bright yellow (as if you'd just taken a vitamen b...at that time I was not on vitamin b). Due to language barriers, I was just told not to drink while on the medication prescribed. Well what did I do? Not take the medication and kept drinking, two weeks later it happened again. That time they took out quite a large amount of fluid....it was painful, and you'd think it would turn someone away from the drink...but no. (that goes back to my original question re. self sabotage).. So for this, has this kind of thing happened to anyone else? It was almost like they were sucking the beer from my knee. These days my knee is throbbing again, so I am a little worried about having to go back. No inflammation as of yet.

Anyway, just a couple of things, sorry it was so long, I am kind of long winded.

Ohhhh, one more question.

#3. Tonights beers I am hoping will be my last. I have a detox kit (cleansing) that I want to start, so I want to go ten days before I start it. Have any of you tried to cleanse after alcohol. The kit is called Cleanse Smart, it is not intended for alcohol cleansing, it is meant for colon, internal, etc.. but I am just wondering if anyone has tried anything similar, and what results they may have gotten? (I guess this is my crazy way of getting around the doctors, I want to ween myself off alcohol as naturally as possible, NO prescribed medication). I will be going to see an oriental doctor, but as they really don't speak English that well, I am hoping one of you may have some insight

Anyway, sorry for such a long post. I look forward to hearing any feedback.

Kind Regards,
4everakid

[DidItForMe]

Trying...but failing endlessly!!!

Hello Kid:
I'm no doc, but that sounds like some pretty serious medical stufff. Lanquage barrier or not, get to a doc. have you read the book on this website? There are lots of tools discussed that may help you get off alcohol or at least help you decrease your use. Sounds like you have been around awhile so maybe you have a had a chance to read about some of the benefits of the suppliments and vitamins. I do wish you all the best in what sounds like a particularly difficult situation.

[Barbie Ellen]

Trying...but failing endlessly!!!

4ever -
WHEW!!! I dont know where to start, I dont know if I will say anything here that will help you. How and why we get into this state, I believe for most of us is unknown..we start drinking, like it and with our addictive personalities it becomes all downhill from there as we dont know how to moderate.
I dont know what issues if any you have, have you ever went to a therapist and discussed all these things, it may help.
Alot say we just self medicate ourselves, from what, all different kinds of things, lonliness, boredom, depression, being uncontent with our lives...etc...
I know it is never to late to start to rebuild our lives. We think that we cant get out of this dark hole we are in, just to hard and we dont have the energy to try..BUT WE CAN!!!!
You have us here to talk to and you made your first step - CONGRATULATIONS!!! Keep on reading the posts and post as much as you want, we will always answer.
I would go to the doc and take care of that leg, ask him about ways he can help you with the alcoholism...alot of people here are on Topa, there is Anabuse also...if you take that and drink it will make you deathly ill....There are supplements on this website I recommend and the CD's...download the book and start reading.
I am sure you will get more responses and alot more with things that will help you...I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and hang on!
Thanks for joining our family ----BIG HUGS!

[Beaches]

Trying...but failing endlessly!!!

Hi 4ever and welcome,
You have taken the first step which is posting here so that's a great start. I agree that it sounds like you have some big medical stuff going on that needs to be taken care of before it goes past the point of no return. Really, go back to the doctor. Read the threads here about Topa and Campral etc... you will find a lot of good information. Also the supplements are great.
We all drink for very different or very much the same reasons. One thing is common, we all want to beat this.

Good luck

[mojomuppet]

Trying...but failing endlessly!!!

stop! you are thinking way to much ( gotta love a drinking thinker). just to read that wore me out. "ok this is the day im quiting,im gonna start hanging out more, find a mate, get along with my family ,try to fiqure out why i am the way i am, detox, learn all i can about my body, get a new doctor, quit smoking, hell you are making me want to drink for you! lets... do... one... thing...at... a... time. lets plan for tommorow. what do i need to do to get through tomm. not 10 days...1 day. stop thinking so much i can hear ya over here in the usa! :H good luck with tommorow and let us know how you are doing.

[lucky 2.0]

Trying...but failing endlessly!!!

The above post is exactly why I love mojo so much!!!!

4, the best advice I ever received is "Act as if"- so act as if you do not need the beer, act as if you do not have a drinking problem, act as if................. and sooner or later, the act becomes reality.

All the best to you. I look forward to hearing your progress.

Quit thinking and just Act as If.....you had the answers.

[4everakid]

Trying...but failing endlessly!!!

Hey all, thanks for the replies. Wow! Kinda strange though, I guess what I had written was speaking subconsciously louder than what I thought. My idea was to find out if anyone was a self sabotager?

2nd, if anyone had ever experienced the knee problems

3rd, if anyone tried cleansing after stopping alcohol, and what the effects may have been.

I guess internally there was more to my questions than I thought.

Mojo, you are right, I am a drinker thinker, to be honest, I am just a plain 'thinker'. However, I did not assume that it would come out in my post. Thanks for your advice, I do appreciate it and I do need a little 'tough love' to shake me up and get me motivated

Lucky, I like the 'act as if' idea. Will try it

To everyone else, thanks for your concern, I never really thought of it as a big medical problem, just certainly a strange one. Although your concern has shaken me a little and now maybe it is time to do a full check up...as the knee is not the only manifestation. Maybe that is where my real denial comes in, have no problem acknowledging an alcohol problem, I just think of my body as indestructable...and that is a serious problem.

So, today is the day, I am taking all advice seriously, tomorrow will visit the doc., and after I'm finished writing this, I will pack my basket to go to an all night spa (lucky thing about Asia, they have fantastic bath houses, with saunas, hot baths, hot rooms, and areas that you can sleep in...great way to sweat out the toxins...all for $4....I will not even think or feel bad about not taking advantage more often.) that way I will be away from my regular after work drink routine.

Your replies have been appreciated and I will keep you posted to let you know the progress. Good luck to everyone.

Sunshine and Smiles

[mustdobetter]

Trying...but failing endlessly!!!

I second mojo and lucky. Regarding health and physical recovery from prolonged alcohol use... I am taking a load of supplements right now to build up my immune system again and to help me get through the detox period. I am using the recommendations here Addictions Nutritional Program for Alcohol Detoxification in combination with some on this site.

Regarding sabotaging yourself... as with many issues, there is probably some sort of more deep rooted cause for it. Perhaps your morning events cause you some serious anxiety and you feel the need to destress the evening before. The bigger issue is that you are aware of it and you have admitted that it is a problem. The next step - if you're ready - is to try to fix it, regardless of the cause or underlying reason. There are lots of us out there who - by drinking in excess - set our selves up for destruction, willingly and knowingly. I don't know that I like to use the phrase self-sabotage for it, but I think it is all the same. We know we will lose something important, perform poorly at something, or not be able to handle the task at all if we drink in excess, but we do it any way. I guess you need to figure out if it is something that is alcohol driven/related, or if it is something different for you (i.e. if not for using alcohol, you would find another way to sabotage).

Regarding the knee issue... did you have an injury of some sort? Did the docs give you any indication of what was going on? Did you have an infection? Was there something that caused the swelling and pain? It doesn't sound like something that is alcohol induced. Have you ever been checked for arthritis? Having so much fluid and swelling is usually indicative of some sort of trauma to the area.

You are young, and you will be surprised how fast your body will heal itself if you let it. I wish you the best. Keep reading and posting here. You will find great support and comfort.

[julie001]

Trying...but failing endlessly!!!

Musttobetter,
Great nutritional program website. I plan on revisiting it when I am not so tired. ThanKs!

Julie

[Arial]

Trying...but failing endlessly!!!

Welcome, 4Ever, and very glad to hear you're already acting on some of the responses here - good luck at the doctor's - if there's a language problem is there a trusted someone to take with you who is able to translate? It would seem to be a key issue, being able to fully understand what they see as the cause of the leg-swelling and any other insights they may have to your physical condition.

The body is an amazing thing and as you are young I think you'll be surprised at how quickly it can heal. Having said that, if you continue with the destructive drinking/smoking/drugs, the long-term effects can be severe (read the suggested website to give you a few ideas!)

So on to your direct questions: 1) self-sabotager? - I suppose this is the same as self-destruction and I suppose any form of alcohol abuse would come under that. There are so many reasons why we choose to drink/get into the pattern of drinking. I suppose mine was escapism - avoiding the reality of day-to-day living; it was my 'reward' for a hard day's work and to relax in the evening - what a warped perspective! Why would I see something so destructive as a 'reward'?
2) - Knee problems - no, never had that - definitely try and get an explanation!
3) - Cleansing - the 'cleansing' I did after stopping drinking was regular trips to the spa to try and get rid of as many toxins as possible in as short a time as possible! It could actually have just been psychological as I don't know whether sitting in a suana/steam room really speeds the process up, but it sure felt good - just imagining the release of all those poisons made me feel so good and 'clean'! Other than that supplements to try and help the body's natural healing process.

So not much help with the specific questions, but agree absolutely with Mojo - hopefully you have years ahead of you to analyse your behaviour/personality/relationships - but without your health, where are you gong to go? - other issues can be dealt with later.

Great to have you here as that's the first step in the right direction, look forward to hearing how it goes with the doctor - and look forward to hearing your plan for how to start gettting back control of your life - different people have tried different things/ways so keep an open mind and find out what works for you. Best of luck, and enjoy those wonderful bath houses (and cheap! cost $25 here for a visit to the spa!).

Warmest wishes,

[hidden_gem]

Trying...but failing endlessly!!!

Hey 4 everakid,

Just a point about those “important morning events” – the self-sabotager thing:

I have long noticed that in the past, when I had an important day, I somehow contrived to get drunk the night before. The next day, in my hungover state, I actually had more confidence than I would have done in a completely alcohol-free state.

I’ve run this theory past friends and heard that others have felt the same way. I don’t know what their explanation is, but here is mine.

In my normal state, I am overaware and overconscious of the thoughts and feelings of others; and predisposed to believe that it is my responsibility to make sure that everyone else is okay; regardless of how I feel.

So in those terms; if there is an awkward atmosphere in the room in this extremely important meeting; it’s my fault and I must fix it.

However, if I am hungover, my survival mechanism kicks in. I WILL steam on ahead regardless. This meeting WILL be a success. My usual worries are gone; because my hyper-sensitive mechanisms for gauging the mood of others are not there; they have been blunted by my hangover.

So my usual concerns are gone. Now, I’m just worried about the fact that I have to blitz it with these clients. No matter what. So it becomes a survival issue. And I’m wired to survive.

So that is why – unfortunately – at times I have performed better with the mother of all hangovers, because it has allowed me to override all of my usual insecurities.

It’s an amazing phenomenon, and one absolutely not recommended if you want a meaningful life.

As for how you correct it: Sorry, no quick fix. Of course. The only way to correct it is constant and careful work on your self-esteem. Pretty much the way you need to correct any other problem in your personal or work life.

But it should help that now you know it’s not just you!

Love Gem x

[mustdobetter]

Trying...but failing endlessly!!!

Gem - I completely agree with you. When I drink in excess, the next day I work extra hard to be "on" and make sure I go the extra mile. As much as I hate to say this... often times I will still be a bit drunk in the morning and I have that "invincible" feeling. I become incredibly determined to do the best I can possibly do.

I do this for work events, meetings, etc. And also - I am a runner, and it spills over into my athletic performance. The next day I become determined to run further and harder - and I do. I think because of my state, I also ignore my body and end up hurting myself more that way.

Now I truly believe that my drunken or hung over best is not even close to my sober, clear-minded best. But it has worked for a long time. If I can channel that same mindset into my sober life... well that will really be something.

[goingsobermum]

Trying...but failing endlessly!!!

Hi,
I'm definatly a self sabotager, I'll stop drinking, do a cleanse take sups etc and feel fantastic but then I start again. Its like I don't want to feel good or don't feel worthwhile. I think its slowly getting better or maybe I'm just too busy with my kids to self destruct completely.
The problem with knowing this is that it helps in the denial about needing to stop drinking. ie when I sort out the self sabotage then the drinking will reduce all by itself etc. The sabotage may lead to the drink problem but once you have one then it needs adressing along side the sabotage as an issue in its self.