Again

[MissyShelle776]

I'm lying in my bed right now, feeling guilty, disgusted, sad, scared and so tired. Yesterday, I had one week sober. I also had to work last night. I bartend once a week. I had the bright idea yesterday afternoon to have some drinks before work. Just a few. Who would notice? It's a bar. It took my boss less than 45 minutes to send me home. I thought I was fine. Obviously I was not.

I lost out on over 200.00. And I looked a fool.

I decided to go out and have some more drinks. But the beer tasted horrible, I felt sick of myself and it wasn't fun. It's never fun anymore. Ever.

So I came home.

And woke up at 4:00 am and haven't slept since. Guilt, shame, disgust with myself. I was supposed to take my girls for pedicures today. And now, since I got drunk yesterday, I can't.

Another broken promise.

I have to fix this. I HAVE to. I no longer have options except to continue how I am now. And where I am now truly has me questioning my sanity. The only time, the ONLY time I feel okay is when I'm not drinking. But after a few days, I decide to go out again.

I had a long conversation with a guy I used to date. We've been talking a lot more lately, just as friends. He asked if he could tell me something without meaning to be offensive. He said he likes me better sober. I make more sense, I'm calmer, I can actually have real conversations.

My sister said the same thing a few months ago.

People like me better sober.

Why can't I like myself?

I'm a very angry person. Very few people realize that. I put on a good show. But I am an angry person. And drinking compounds that.

My 17 year old daughter got back from the Dominican Republic this past Tuesday. We went shopping on Wednesday. As I listen to her stories, see her go about her life, I felt the most overwhelmingly deep ache inside. It took all I had not to cry.

Her life, it's so . . . normal. So completely and totally normal.

And I wanted to cry because I never had that.

And yet, here I am, an adult, with the option of creating a life that is stable, constant, and normal and I sabotage it.

Normal people don't check their eyes to see if they are yellow.

Normal people don't drink until all their money is gone.

Normal people don't break promise after promise.

Normal people don't worry that stomach pains are the result of too much alcohol.

Normal people don't have to struggle to quit drinking.

I'm so scared right now. Scared I can't ever quit. Scared that this is going to kill me. Scared of DUI's. Scared of losing the respect of my daughters.

And these are all things I can fix.

So why the hell don't I?

My finances are a mess. My house is a mess. I am a mess.

And the common denominator, besides me, is drinking.

Something I can fix.

I wish I had someone here right now, someone who understood who could just wrap their arms around me and let me know it can be done.

I know it can be done. I've seen others do it. A girlfriend with 5 years of sobriety who got tired of being sick.

An ex who is still a great friend with 6 years sobriety who got tired of being sick.

An acquaintance who woke up one day and realized she wanted more, wanted to be more, so she quit drinking.

They are all doing it. So I know it can be done. It's done every day. I read on here of others who are doing it.

And maybe, just maybe, it's time for me to stop hating myself so much and do it too.

Maybe instead of a drink, I need a journal. Or a punching bag. Or running shoes.

This is long. I'm sorry. I am just incredibly sad and scared right now.

Thank you for "listening" if you made it this far.

[broken halo]

Again

You know you are not alone here. We are here for you. Use the toolbox thread, use everything this site has to offer and re read that letter you talked about. We want that ugly, lying, insidious poison out of our lives. All of us do, so please don't ever feel alone.

[MissyShelle776]

Again

Thank you. I'm at a point where I know I need to open up to others about my drinking problem but I'm so scared of being judged. That's why I like it here, people understand.

So thank you for your reply.

[Samstone]

Again

Hello Missy
my gut reaction is what is normal? I have friends that still drink, not as heavily as I did, but still they are poisoning themselves all the same. Is it normal to poison yourself?
What I think is normal is that your body is telling you in so many ways what you are doing to yourself is not normal. Staying healthy is what we are suppose to do to this incredible life we've been given to enjoy. That guilt trip is an awful feeling and I hope that you can turn it around and say "screw this, if I stop, I don't have to feel this way." The people who might judge you one way or the other doesn't matter. You are the one that matters. Loving yourself enables you to love others.

best to you, friend
SS

[BNRS]

Again

Hi MissyShelle

I am on day 29 AF for the first time in 23 years . I felt like you, but try this 1 day at a time, 1 hour at a time to remain alcohol free. The AL heightens the anxiety you feel. If you can get a few days AF free you'll see. I remember being under the influence so badly at one point I even felt suicidal. Try to get through 1 day then 2 as the AL leaves your system you will begin to think more clearly. It is going to be hard the first few days, but it does get better I PROMISE you. Try reading some of the other posts in the Newbies nest and the toolbox where there is a lot of advice. :welcome:

[MissyShelle776]

Again

Thank you

Thank you for the replies and suggestions. I did stop by the Tool Box and got some great ideas I plan on using.

My Saturday went pretty well. I decided, after my AA meeting, to just relax. I curled up with my laptop and watched a whole lot of Big Bang Theory and got to bed at a reasonable time. I slept so well. It's amazing how different a sleep is when sober compared to when drunk. Of course, I know from when I quit drinking before, exhaustion is going to hit in a day or two. I'm prepared for that.

I did have a man I've been talking to ask if I wanted to go out last night. At first, the idea of getting dressed up and out of the house sounded good but then I realized I truly want to be sober. So I explained to him that I was going to stay home. That led to a longer discussion where I told him I am not a drinker. He didn't really ask for details why because at almost 37, there are people in our age group who have left those party days behind. I also didn't feel I knew him well enough to explain the whole history.

I chatted with some friends, watched my show, and truly had a relaxing day. I haven't done that in a while.

I woke up this morning, rolled over and realized my back is acting up again. I have had back problems since I was about 9 years old due to a combination of mild scoliosis (mild enough that no treatment was necessary but there enough to cause back pain) and an old injury that was aggravated a few years back when I was training for a half-marathon and overtrained. (We also do everything to excess don't we?) I still have a bottle of pain pills the doctor gave me but I hate the way they make me feel, so stuck to the heating pad, some stretching and a mild muscle relaxant.

But I do have a question if anyone wants to answer: while at my women's meeting yesterday, some of the women mentioned that I'm at the perfect spot in my life to go to a 30 day inpatient treatment center. One lady was like "I'll help you pack now and drive you" I had to calm them down a bit and explain that the place I looked at in the past requires 3 days clean before admitting and they have a waiting list. I can't just show up on the door and say TAKE ME. I'm also a single mom. Their dad is involved but I also have a house to run and bills to pay. I told them I will make a lot of meetings, use the numbers, stay in contact with my sober friends and all of that. But they were really pushing treatment.

Over the past 2 months or so, I've been at the point of drinking 1xs a week. Binge drinking badly, but not daily. I think at this point, I will be okay with all of the supports I have in place, as long as I use them. However, friends of mine who have been through treatment say it's not just about getting off the alcohol or drugs, but being able to spend 30 days or more focusing on getting better, not anything or anyone else.

I guess I'm just hoping that as long as I am hitting the meetings, checking in online and surrounding myself with those who support my sobriety, I'll be okay without having to do inpatient.

Anyway, the heating pad is feeling quite good right now. I think the muscle relaxant is kicking in. Let's hope my back behaves quickly.

Happy Sunday everyone.