Newbie here. (4 days)

[Mandiekinz]

I'm a 25 year old reckless lush. I'm not sure how to elaborate on that...lots of blackened days and nights, wondering streets without a care in the world except to find enough change for my next bottle. I call myself a "gypsy" but really I just stir up a bunch of chaos and somehow land somewhere different in the midst of a drunken binge.

I've been in and out of institutions and rehabs and have continuously tried and failed with AA and sobriety for many years now.

My real life is wonderful. A beautiful home, with a very loving, supportive and sober fiance. My fiance's son whom adores me and the most well behaved pooch that just completes the whole white-picket fence scenario. I'm not sure how I landed such a beautiful life with them but I did.

I often wonder if I'm just simply meant to always be this way. Just to gain something great and lose it all over and over again. It's a never ending rollercoaster. For me and my loved ones.

It's as though I'm am so unbelievably selfish that I would continuously walk all over the people that love me just to destroy myself. How does that make sense?

I'm at my wits end...I don't know what else to try before I end up dead or killing someone.


I did quite a bit of searching and found Baclofen articles which lead me to you all here at MWO.

I appreciate such an open minded community. It's no where like this in the real world

I hope to get to hear some of your stories, successes, and errors...and get to make a few friends.

[3June2013]

Newbie here. (4 days)

Hi there mandiekinz and welcome! Come on by the newbies nest (see link at the bottom of my post) there are plenty of folks around who would love to meet you. We all have our share of stories and sordid pasts. Another thing we have in common is a shared realization that our lives have revolved around AL for far too long. There's also a link below to the toolbox where you will find lots of interesting and hopefully helpful posts.

I just finished watching Rain in my Heart you can find it on You Tube in 10 instalments. Quite an eye opener for me. it's really sad though too.

I don't know much about meds. There is a thread all about them and people there who can help I'm sure.

Don't be too hard on yourself, AL is a sneaky bastard, but you can beat him. Your family and your life is worth it!

PS congratulations on 4 days, that's awesome!

[Tess-2]

Newbie here. (4 days)

Dear Mandiekinz,

I am a 28 year old wallflower lush-in-healing. Greetings!! I can feel the pain of your "split" life jump off of the page. And I want to have the answers for you. I don't have the answers, Mandie, but we can journey together for a bit.

Like you, I have somewhat of a "white-picket fence" life too: decent family, loving husband, really nice dogs!! From outward appearances there was no reason for me to become an alcoholic. But I did. I fell hard and fast. I couldn't get out. I wanted out, but no matter what I tried I stayed stuck. I developed many physical afflictions and eventually drank and obsessed about suicide most of the time.

I was a total mess when I stumbled across the My Way Out website and found Newbies Nest. I'm not sure exactly what changed, but I found hope here. I needed a little bit of hope. It helped me to read the stories of other people and to see that I was not alone in my despair. Others came along with understanding, suggestions, patience and love. I learned how to make a plan to stay sober and how to stick with that plan.

It hasn't been easy, Mandie, it's been quite difficult at times -- but I've been sober for about six months now. The longer that I am sober the more convinced I become that I never want to go back to the nightmare of drinking. I am still quite careful of what I do, where I go, who I spend time with. I don't want to ever fall back into that black hole.

I'm not a counselor or a psychologist or even a "jr. psycologist," but what I hear in your voice is a broken heart. One thing I feel very certain of: You are NOT simply meant to always be this way. None of us are meant to be this way. We all have broken places in need of healing.

I encourage you to read many MWO posts. There are a lot of great threads. And keep writing if you can. There's something very healing about getting our thoughts and feelings out on paper.

There truly is hope for those of us addicted to alcohol. There IS a way out.

[witts end]

Newbie here. (4 days)

hello mandiekinz you have come to the right place
I find it keeps us accountable
and like tess-2 says it's not easy as you will find out by reading posts here and also your own experience
if your finding it hard stay close to here
I'm 56 days sober and am determined not to go back there again
If you have a sober hubby and a son that loves you the battle is half won ........my husband and everyone around me drinks.....even socially so for meI'm the odd one out
hello and stay close and welcome

[Unwasted]

Newbie here. (4 days)

Mandie,

Just wanted to welcome you and tell you that you're not a bad person, you're just addicted. I hope you find your way out of alcohol hell. Life can be so much better than what you're living. I hope you'll spend lots of time reading and posting here. It really does help. I also get a lot of strength from reading books about addiction so I can understand what has happened to my brain and how to change it!

Just in case you haven't seen it, there is a lots of information about Balcofen on this thread.

Topamax, Campral, Naltrexone, Baclofen, other meds - My Way Out Forums

Sending you peace and strength.

UN

[MossRose]

Newbie here. (4 days)

Mandie - welcome and so glad your found your way here. Getting, and staying sober can be difficult , but it is oh so worth it. It sounds like you have a lot of support in real life, so that's an excellent start. You'll find a lot of support here too from people who understand what you are going through. We have all been there. It's funny, because for many, many years, I too had the "white picket fence" life. It amazes me how many people never realized how desperate I was. Just a cautionary tale - I lost it all due to my drinking. However, that's also what started me on my path to healing. You still have time to make different decisions than I did. So again - a hearty welcome. Stay strong. Keep posting. Keep reading.

[Mandiekinz]

Newbie here. (4 days)

Wow...thank you so very much, everyone. Your words are touching and very welcoming...I think I'll find it very cozy here.

June! As soon as I saw your post I started watching that video, I didn't get the chance to finish it but it's on my agenda for today. It's indeed an eye opener and also very saddening. It takes some guts to willfully watch something so brutal and honest.

My heart is with you, MossRose. I'm so glad you found the strength to pick yourself up after such a great loss. I know how easy it can be to just go deeper into the hole after something like that. It amazes me how much hell we have to put ourselves through to wake up.

Tess, you really touched me. Thank you for such kind and understanding words. I was tearing up.

Great work on all of your hours of sobriety! You all have helped start my day off so brilliantly! I might have a new found addiction I spent quite a bit of time in the past week scrolling through the threads until I finally made an account and finally wrote.

My love and happy thoughts are with you all!

[witts end]

Newbie here. (4 days)

how are you going to-day
you do settle into a cosy little spot when you come here and get to know everyone
just stay close

[Mandiekinz]

Newbie here. (4 days)

Thanks Witts, I am indeed enjoying it here with everyone. My appreciation for this site and all of you fellow peers is beyond words right now. The toughest days in the beginning of sobriety aren't so tough with you all here. THANK YOU!

[Mein Sonnenschein]

Newbie here. (4 days)

Mandikinz, your story is my story! Well... except for going to a rehabilitation facility although sometimes I believe it would help. This is a wonderful community full of supportive and wonderful people. It makes me happy to come here and I usually feel better after visiting. I think you will love it here and you will find the support that you need. :l

[Mein Sonnenschein]

Newbie here. (4 days)

Oops, I forgot to say Welcome!

[witts end]

Newbie here. (4 days)

hello eveyone .......Mandiekinz how are you coping to-day
sorry I don't know anything about meds or about rehab ... did try aa but found this site better .....thats my choice .......
but I do know whats it's like to want a drink and also how hard it is to give it up expecially when I abused it for so long .......it was a way to block out what was really the problem....then it became the problem
Now I'm af and am feeling great now everyone can't blame my drinking they have to look at them selves

sorry you have come to a good spot welcome what day are you on now