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    #1

    Trying to cut-back re-evaluate

    Hi everyone!

    I am a 30-year-old female and single mother (father and I share custody 50/50, and are still close friends, now divorced) to a beautiful 4-year-old daughter. I am currently going through a very rough breakup with my boyfriend and am taking it very hard.

    One of the concerns that came from our breakup was that, on a few occasions, I actually blacked out while I was drinking and said some horrible things to him. On one occasion, I actually hit him. I have no memory of this occurring and have never hit anyone before. (I have, however, said mean things or gotten angry/emotional with people in the past when heavily intoxicated)

    Before this happened (and seemed like something that was continuing to happen, anytime we drank to excess) we used to get along fine when drinking. Our relationship outside of these events, however, was slowly getting worse and we were both beginning to develop resentment for one another.

    I have some theories about this and wondered if anyone else had any insight into this. If someone is repressing a lot of anger or isn't healthily expressing their issues in a relationship, and they get more drunk than they should, is it possible that those would come out in a (not ideal) way?

    I am struggling to decide how I feel about myself and my drinking. I feel horrible for how I behaved while I was blacked out but also confident that I can avoid blackouts like that from ever occurring again by just being aware of my limits and respecting those boundaries. (These seem limited to occasions where I am doing "shots" and drinking fast, or on an empty stomach, etc)

    I don't think I am alcohol dependent, and I don't have cravings for alcohol. I do, however, drink more than the recommended limit for women and drink frequently in the evenings and on the weekends. (it is such a part of my social life)

    Outside of the drinking, I do have the following issues which I believe my make things worse:

    - Generalized Anxiety Disorder
    - A fairly critical personality
    - Difficulty in general with anger, not just while drinking. I tend to repress my feelings and then they come out all at once.

    Wondering what advice everyone may be able to offer. Currently feeling deeply ashamed and scared.
    Tags: None
    #2
    Trying to cut-back re-evaluate

    chelsbells welcome!

    First off I applaud your honesty and your desire to understand and change your life. I think getting AL out of the equation can only help. That said, having chosen to abstain, I have found that all of life's problems didn't miraculously disappear. What happened is I am now in a position to put the time and energy into fixing them. I am alert, aware, rested, energetic and in control of my actions. That changes everything.

    Go one step at a time. Check out the boards, if you look below you will see links to the newbies nest and the toolbox. Lots of great threads and really supportive people.

    The more you read, the more you post, the more you learn. Come on in, the water is fine!
    Newbies Nest
    Toolbox
    My accountability thread

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      #3
      Trying to cut-back re-evaluate

      Welcome chelsbells! I agree with 3J, being honest with yourself is key, and it's good that you are really thinking about your relationship with alcohol.

      it's often suggested here that you try 30 days AF (alcohol free), whether your goal is to moderate your drinking or to abstain. It gives you a chance to really test your relationship with AL, and to see if you may be dependent. it also gives you a chance to see what your life is like without it.

      IMHO it may not be that important to figure out why you acted the way you did when you blacked out; maybe it's better to focus on what changes you can make to prevent that level of drinking in the future.

      Good luck, and keep posting and reading, there's lot of friendly people here with good advice and support.
      AF since 6JUN2012

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        #4
        Trying to cut-back re-evaluate

        welcome
        I know cutting back never worked for me .....I'd start out 1 then 2 then the bottle never lasted
        but this time I've gone cold turkey .....which I wouldn't advise .... but it worked for me some go to the doctor and get help my doctor has put me on medication for my shaking .. i couldn't stop
        My advise is go to the doctor and let him help and advise you

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          #5
          Trying to cut-back re-evaluate

          Thanks everyone for the support. I'm struggling the most with feelings of guilt, shame and total failure. I can't believe I acted the way that I did and it makes me feel incredibly guilty and filled with self-doubt. My (now ex) boyfriend drinks heavily as well and I do believe he is an alcoholic. I'm sure its fairly common for two people who abuse alcohol to get together...which only perpetuates the problems. I think moving on from this relationship can only help me to pull my life together, though it is so hard in many other ways as I do love him deeply. I agree that 30-days alcohol free is a good idea and would definitely help. Especially with the emotional stress of a breakup, might be good to abstain and let my head clear a bit. I guess technically I'm on day 2 then

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            #6
            Trying to cut-back re-evaluate

            Chels I think stepping away from your alcoholic BF is a really smart move. Ty not to dwell on the guilty feelings and shame if they are pulling you down. If you can use that as fuel to stay AF then tell yourself those days are over. Never again will AL make you act like a fool. Day 2 good for you. Tough it out, it is worth it! We're here to help!
            Newbies Nest
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              #7
              Trying to cut-back re-evaluate

              Thanks for all of the support. It is definitely hard, but I want to try and really focus on limiting my drinking and also addressing the reasons behind why I continue to date men with alcohol issues. (This is not my first alcoholic boyfriend) It seems that I am able to limit myself and am fine when I'm not already dealing with something emotional in my life (i/e drinking just to be social or have fun) but if I am drinking to avoid a problem or to relieve stress, I tend to overdo it. I think a large part of this is going to be learning to recognize my emotions and address them head on vs. stuffing them down or trying to cover them up with alcohol. I tend to run from my problems and this manifests itself in a variety of ways. Thanks for all of the kind words. Has anyone else had similar experiences?:new:

              Comment

                #8
                Trying to cut-back re-evaluate

                chels I bet you will find that most if not all alcoholics have used alcohol to stuff down emotions or avoid conflict of numb the pain. We all need to learn new coping mechanisms. I am trying physical exercise, it seems to work. Creates endorphins and changes my mood instantly.
                Newbies Nest
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                  #9
                  Trying to cut-back re-evaluate

                  Hi Chelsbells and welcome to MWO.

                  I was in a relationship with a girl that had become abusive. Se would get really drunk and verbally and then physically abuse me and she often couldn't remember it. I have my own issues with alcohol and one of the best things I did was cut my ties with her as one booze bag + one booze bag = one whole lot of trouble. My advice would be to give the relationship with him and the bottle a rest for a while so you can clear your head and re-evaluate your priorities.

                  I hope you feel better soon

                  Neddy
                  "I used to be on the guest list, but now I'm on the nest list!"

                  Newbies Nest:https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html


                  Toolbox:https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html

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                    #10
                    Trying to cut-back re-evaluate

                    Chel, I have known alcoholic couples that have split and soon after the separation found themselves in another relationship with an alcoholic! Why wouldn't you? The last thing an al wants is for a partner telling them they drink to much. Stay close we are here for each other and good luck.:welcome:

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Trying to cut-back re-evaluate

                      Chels, I agree with each person here....
                      Head on over to the newbie's nest and you'll have lots of friends along the way. I was going to say just before Neddy did, that we ALL have felt like you! Don't let AL claim one more day of your life...kick out the Guilt/Shame/ Remorse Brothers for good. I tried for a year to 'limit' my drinking....'get it back under control'...'reel it in some'. The more rules I made about AL, the more I broke them and the worse I felt. Getting some distance between you and AL will help tremendously. I'm glad you found us...this place saves lives and I'm one of them! Welcome aboard! Byrdie
                      All you gotta do, is get thru this day. AF 1/20/2011
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