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Why do I keep doing this to myself?

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    #1

    Why do I keep doing this to myself?

    I think most of you know that I have been struggling with my drinking for quite sometime now. I have a hard time understanding how I could hate myself this bad and keep beating myself down. I don't want to be a drinker or an alcoholic. I hate it that when I think of a good weekend it involves me throwing back a couple bottles (or more) of wine. This weekend I made a mess out of myself. I was drinking my normal Chardonnay and thought at 10 O'clock at night we could go meet up with some friends at the bar and have a good time. Except my good time ended with me puking at the bar in the bathroom, so fucked up that I couldn't get off the floor. I don't remember much of it and I don't remember the drive home. My husband got me home and in bed. I am a mess...I managed to make it through yesterday without drinking which wasn't that hard because I felt like ass. I know I can make it through today and the next couple of days but come Thursday, then what? Back to my pathetic self.

    I don't know how to get over this battle. It comes at me every week and then I just embrace it and it always ends with me feeling sorry for myself.

    I just want to be normal and not drink alcohol or even have it come into my head. I am obsessed with worrying about it.

    Thanks for listening.
    Honeysoup :heart:
    Tags: None
    #2
    Why do I keep doing this to myself?

    Hi Honeysoup,

    What an emotional post and one that I can identify with so much. The self-hatred and the beating up on oneself is an all too familiar picture for me. And as for the puking up? Well, I've lost count of the times that has happened, in public too. Memory loss, feeling like shit the next day as well as worthless, yes that's been me to a T.

    Like you I have been battling alcohol problems for quite a long time - about 25 years - and it really is a horrible thing with, it seems, no way out. But there is. I am only at the start of my journey but take inspiration from all the people here at MWO and other places to let me see that it is possible to escape the clutches of the demon drink.

    I don't have any cast iron answers but keep posting about how you feel, log-in to the newbies nest thread where the people are so supportive, encouraging and understanding , and the toolbox for ideas that might help you.

    I wish you all the best and hope to see you in the nest (I'm a poet and didn't know it!)

    Neddy
    "I used to be on the guest list, but now I'm on the nest list!"

    Newbies Nest:https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html


    Toolbox:https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html

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      #3
      Why do I keep doing this to myself?

      HS -

      So many of us have been right where you are. I remember feeling that hopeless feeling - as if I had no choice. It was an awful feeling!

      The good news is you do have a choice. If you can just hang in there through that first 10 days or so, you will start to feel SO much better. Part of it is a bad habit - (Thursday - Sunday = Drinking Days) and part of it is, well just plain addiction.

      Many of us here have been able to achieve some time without AL, and many here have achieved years! I can tell you it has finally clicked with me that not drinking is SO much better than drinking. It really feels better 100%!! Hang in there, you can do it!

      Comment

        #4
        Why do I keep doing this to myself?

        I'm glad you came back!

        There are 2 other people in the Newbies Nest on another, frustrating day 1. Perhaps you can join them. Visit the Nest everyday and read and post. Gain strength from the community! And promise yourself that you will post before you drink, ok?

        Comment

          #5
          Why do I keep doing this to myself?

          Hi Honeysoup, just wanted to send you some support. Alcohol makes us hate ourselves, and then of course the remedy for that is more drinking. It just keeps on inflicting its circular nonsense on us until we go insane. I always felt like the real me was in there but buried so deep that I would never come out. Is fear holding you back? That was a big hang up for me. You mean I can never have even one ever again?!? That seemed like BS to me, there had to be a way...I wasted some years of my life "cutting back..." Just wondering if you might be going through some of that. You can really have the life you deserve and getting it won't hurt nearly as much as you probably fear it will.
          "When you have faults, do not fear to abandon them." Analects of Confucius
          AF 11/12/11

          Comment

            #6
            Why do I keep doing this to myself?

            Hi Honeysoup! Your story is familiar to just about everyone on this site, myself included. Stick around here, read the toolbox, post. Educate yourself, think about your triggers and how to overcome them. Above all, be 100% committed to beating AL, for me that was always a problem in the past. I wish you well and look forward to seeing you in the Newbies Nest!
            Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it! ~ Goethe

            Comment

              #7
              Why do I keep doing this to myself?

              I hear ya Honey... I hear ya loud and clear. I have been working so hard to try and figure all this out. My wife has been very supportive. This past weekend I went way overboard and can't remember much of the weekend. I think I do things that are so out of character for me. I keep beating myself up for it. It is not good but I am picking myself back up and working hard.
              Starting over again 09/06/11

              "When its good its good its so good until it goes bad" Pink,Sober

              sigpic

              Comment

                #8
                Why do I keep doing this to myself?

                Hey Honey! I'm sorry all that happened to you.
                We've had some really good conversations in the nest today about this cycle. It's worth a read over there. I was stuck in the same hamster wheel you are in now.
                Success can't happen without change. In order for change to be successful you need commitment....you have to buy-in totally. Without total commitment, the change won't stick.
                Would you say that you are an Alcoholic? If the answer is yes, does drinking on any level make sense? No, of course it doesn't. Everyone knows an Alk should not drink....ever. So maybe coming to grips with a few basics might make your quit stick this time. For us...one drink is like battery acid to our soul. Commit to yourself that you will not buy or consume AL again. No matter what or no matter who. It will be the best decision you'll make in your adult life. A weight will be lifted from your shoulders and you can get on with the business of living. You can do this....I believe in you!! Byrdie
                All you gotta do, is get thru this day. AF 1/20/2011
                Tool Box
                Newbie's Nest

                Comment

                  #9
                  Why do I keep doing this to myself?

                  Hi Honey, sorry to here you are still on the merry-go-round, but good for you for coming back to MWO!

                  Pinecone;1537895 wrote: Is fear holding you back? That was a big hang up for me. You mean I can never have even one ever again?!? That seemed like BS to me, there had to be a way...I wasted some years of my life "cutting back..." Just wondering if you might be going through some of that. You can really have the life you deserve and getting it won't hurt nearly as much as you probably fear it will.
                  Pinecone really hit the nail on the head, as to what held me back for years and years. I couldn't possibly imagine that I could live my life completely without alcohol - I was fearful of what that life could be like. But I finally took the plunge, and guess what? Life was better, much much better. And though it wasn't easy to get there, it was not nearly as hard as I had imagined it to be.
                  AF since 6JUN2012

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Why do I keep doing this to myself?

                    honey we have all felt the same way al robs us of life
                    glad your hear .......glad everyone is here

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Why do I keep doing this to myself?

                      Honeysoup this is day two, right? So let's go for day three tomorrow. Read a whole bunch, post a lot, and try to talk it out. You'll find lots of support here and many who you can relate to. Read our stories, we will share our tips. We can help you through this. One day at a time.
                      Newbies Nest
                      Toolbox
                      My accountability thread

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Why do I keep doing this to myself?

                        This is why I keep coming back here...I love and need this support. My family knows how much I struggle with the beast. I get so embarrassed when my kids mention things in the morning that I don't remember. They look at me and kind of giggle but I know it bothers them. I don't want this life anymore. I have said this so many times, but I guess I am the true definition of insanity because I keep doing the same things over and over again and expect different results. Except, I know that it always ends up in a disaster when I drink. Maybe not the first or second time, but it always does. When that time comes and am secretly happy because I know its time to quit drinking again. How insane is that? I keep poisoning myself over and over until I become so sick that I don't want to poison myself again. Then when I feel healthy and happy and confident again...BAM...the devil wants to sit down and celebrate with me. Drinking happy and making me think I can handle it...UNTIL BAM again...he knows I can't handle it....so their I am praying the porcine God and its like the devil sits there and laughs at me telling me how pathetic I am. He is a vicious beast and I want to kill him for good. I say today we spend our time sharpening our pitch forks and hopefully enough to scare him away for good. Today I am going to call my pitch fork Antabuse...I have it sitting in my meds drawer along with Campral...so I have the tools to do this, all I need to do is pick it up with the support of my MWO friends and the love of my family. Cheers!
                        Honeysoup :heart:

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Why do I keep doing this to myself?

                          Honeysoup, all the best with your journey and I'm sure we all know about the insanity of the repetitive behaviour. Your right, it is a vicious beast and we need to kill it.
                          "I used to be on the guest list, but now I'm on the nest list!"

                          Newbies Nest:https://www.mywayout.org/community/f19/newbies-nest-30074.html


                          Toolbox:https://www.mywayout.org/community/f11/tool-box-27556.html

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Why do I keep doing this to myself?

                            Honeysoup - you can do this! We are rooting for you. As you said, you have the tools. Give it some time and you will get stronger every day.

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Why do I keep doing this to myself?

                              Honeysoup;1538149 wrote: This is why I keep coming back here...I love and need this support. My family knows how much I struggle with the beast. I get so embarrassed when my kids mention things in the morning that I don't remember. They look at me and kind of giggle but I know it bothers them. I don't want this life anymore. I have said this so many times, but I guess I am the true definition of insanity because I keep doing the same things over and over again and expect different results. Except, I know that it always ends up in a disaster when I drink. Maybe not the first or second time, but it always does. When that time comes and am secretly happy because I know its time to quit drinking again. How insane is that? I keep poisoning myself over and over until I become so sick that I don't want to poison myself again. Then when I feel healthy and happy and confident again...BAM...the devil wants to sit down and celebrate with me. Drinking happy and making me think I can handle it...UNTIL BAM again...he knows I can't handle it....so their I am praying the porcine God and its like the devil sits there and laughs at me telling me how pathetic I am. He is a vicious beast and I want to kill him for good. I say today we spend our time sharpening our pitch forks and hopefully enough to scare him away for good. Today I am going to call my pitch fork Antabuse...I have it sitting in my meds drawer along with Campral...so I have the tools to do this, all I need to do is pick it up with the support of my MWO friends and the love of my family. Cheers!
                              Honey - just take the AB - and that's it done ! You cannot drink : there is no decision to be made : it is made for you.
                              Take the AB and look forward to how you will feel next Monday morning when you do not drink at the weekend. Think of that feeling all the time - it will see you through ( along with the AB)

                              And I say forget about the 'beast' & the 'pitchfork' and all that other stuff - this is down to YOU.
                              Do YOU want to feel shite on Monday morning AGAIN ? No YOU don't.
                              Take the AB - it works

                              Comment

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