Well, That Didn't Take Long

[free at last]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Hi MyLife, I know the pressures, especially when on the road for work. I had an intense week of work and have another week coming up (am on the road for 3+ weeks this trip). I started taking AB six weeks ago (1-2 times a week) because I knew that for a three month period I was going to be under intense pressure, in numerous social (work and family) situations and was not certain I could remain strong, even though my head and heart are committed to AF living. This past week, it was the additional tool that helped me stay the course. Glad to see you back and posting.

[Unwasted]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Well, yesterday I had decided (again, very thought-out) that I was going to try drinking last night. We have already been invited out to 2 dinners when we get to CO, and I just couldn't fathom turning down a glass of wine or beer at those dinners. In addition, I ran across (quite by accident) a book on the Sinclair Method (that I had actually read a long time ago) and....a book by an actress (Claudia Christian) who does the forward in Sinclair's book. So, I decided (she is adamant about how good Naltrexone (an opiod blocker) is -- you get to still drink but it takes away the addiction and you go back to pre-addiction levels). Anyway, long story short I decided it would be easier to drink, but not be addicted (you take a pill EVERY time you drink one hour before you drink). I somehow went down that road in my mind...........how much better it would be to be able to drink. I actually have Nal in my possession. I didn't take a pill last night, but somehow got on that twisted way of thinking path.......................that I could soon start the NAL..............

WRONG........I had two beers last night, didn't sleep well, and didn't really enjoy the drinking. MY PROBLEM is that somehow I still perceive that there is something worthwhile about alcohol. I have to make that shift. Right now I don't want to ever drink again, but will that feeling go away and will I want to try again?

I always feel like I won't but then I do it. It's so confounding. I am afraid to take pills to do this even though I have both AB and Nal that I could take. I have such a mental block about them - the AB I'm afraid I'll unknowingly ingest something with alcohol in it, and the Nal has side effects I've read about that sound bad. Incidentally, the Sinclair Method is how UK Blonde started out, and she is now going AF - I think she's at about a month.

Anyway, I'm rambling.....but..........., MY LIFE.........it sounds like you and I are somehow in the same rut. I'm determined to get this, though, and I think you are too. What can we do differently? Do you feel like you've turned some kind of corner in your thinking? I'll get on board too for the meditation like you mentioned. I know that will help. Also, for me, I feel the move and the ability to get outside will be helpful. But will it be enough? I don't know, but I hope so. And, I'm hoping my constant attempts to drink and the total let down and disappointment after doing so will finally let me give up the ghost and make the mental shift.

SO............September 1 is my day one - yours too I guess? I hate to sound like a broken record but I refuse to get negative about it. At least I know now I can't go down that route in CO - that I must learn to say NO when offered a glass of wine when someone has me over to dinner. Why is that so hard for me to imagine?

I'm hoping after last night that I've imprinted in my brain that I TRULY don't like alcohol anymore. I think I'll actually take my own drink with me to the dinners.......but I've got to get over this hurdle about thinking I have to join in festivities and drink just because others are drinking. I have to learn to be strong. A non drinker is the normal one - the ones drinking poison are the ones doing something unnatural. It's just so twisted.

When I'm alone at home I have no problem not drinking, but even the mere thought of going to a dinner party and turning down alcohol is enough to undo me. Why is that - it makes me feel weak. I can't just keep saying, well, that's addiction. Something needs to change so I don't keep justifying it in some way.

I've been looking at a HAMS site (harm reduction) that says that any kind of progress is commendable and that people who try to quit drinking and take things in baby steps are much more successful than those who try to do very dramatic changes (statistically, in the long run anyway). SO, I've had long stints of being AF (this one was a month), and I've had others much longer. That's the positive part that I'll hold onto rather than beating myself up for this relapse.

Let's do this ML................SEPTEMBER 1. I SO want to get this!

Thanks for listening everyone - don't give up on me please.

[lifechange]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

I've been in the exact same boat, Unwasted and I so commend you for getting on here and trying to work it out. I've just been hiding out waiting for the day I have the strength to really get through day 1 again. Today it has happened and I'm very happy but afraid of making the same mistakes I always make-- which have entirely to do with my way of thinking. I am so sick of it, too, and refuse to give up!

[mylife]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

FAL - I have seen your posts about business trips and I so commend you. You were an inspiration for many of mine. And I did get through multiple dinners and events AF and it was okay - but this last trip was long (3 weeks plus) and very stressful and I consciously did not take AB after awhile and just thought - "F*" it. Also, although my hubby joined me for a week and it was great - it also hindered in a way. He was on "vacation" and had drinks several nights. I just felt envious, stressed and .... blah. I need to renew my committment and take the AB regularly as you are. I took one this morning as a matter of fact.

UN and Lifechange - I can completely relate. It's just really hard when you feel you are somehow missing out. Then all the voices come in that the problem wasn't that bad and just a drink or two now and then... I need to work on that thinking as well. I really did have a long conversation with my husband in which we both agreed I should just try to moderate again. But the next day, I knew I was just lying to myself. Alcohol just doesn't work with my system, and I obviously have an addiction or this wouldn't even be an issue!

UN - I think that if we can get through a couple of years - really, it sounds long - but I feel that after a year or so it will just go away. I really think that's what it is. I read a book recently that I really recommend "Sober for Good" by Anne Fletcher. It chronicles all sorts of people's recovery and how they did it. Only about half used AA at all - and many of those just temporarily. Many of them had relapses along the way, but didn't view them as black or white - but as part of their recovery process. So, that's how I'm viewing it. I also read about Sinclair early in my process and I actually tried it for a month or two - but I don't think the naltrexone really worked for me. It didn't seem to block too much of the Alcohold effect for me and it just didn't work. But, many people have had success with that method including UK Blonde.

So, here I am back on Day 1 September 1. I really do want to get through a year and see how it goes. If we look at it rationally it's a no brainer. We feel better, we think better, we are healthier. Again, when I look at it in that light, I know this is an addiction or I wouldn't even consider drinking an option!

Hope you all have a great AF Sunday. It's so great to have the support of you and this site. :l:h

[free at last]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Dear Friends,

First, no beating yourselves up, ok? We are fighting a cunning, ubiquitous, seductive enemy. The main point is that you are back, recognize the enemy for what it is and how it wants to destroy your willpower, and your lives.

I can't begin to count how many times I have started over since 3/11/13 but I know that it has been a process of acceptance that I am addicted to alcohol, that one drink is never enough, and that my life is better without poison.

From reading on MWO, I think there are critical points in the AF life when it is harder to maintain one's resolve than in the first 30 days. I have read that getting past four months seems to be a critical juncture. But, I am also trying to prepare myself that this may be a lifelong struggle, though not as fierce as in these early days.

So, ladies, it's a new month, and we are in this together.

Warmest

[Pinecone]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Dear Friends,

Un, of course we'll never give up on you! I love the expression (from AA I think) that alcohol addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful. It truly doesn't make any sense. All I know is that not having the first drink is the only thing that works. I would consider getting out of the dinner plans if that is a weak spot for you.

I'm sorry to have been MIA for a bit, we adopted a puppy yesterday and that is keeping us both very busy.

The meditation seems to help a lot with stress and negative thoughts in general. I just hope I have the time, I could really use it at this point (a little overwhelmed at the moment!).

[Unwasted]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Lifechange, welcome to this thread. Please post here often if you think it will help.

Pinecone, how cool to have a new puppy! You are welcome to coo and goo and tell us all about it when you have time.

Free and Pinecone, thank you for your continued support!

One of my big hangups has always been that I don't drink a lot. A lot of people would love to be able to stop after 3-4 drinks. But, I've got to inculcate it into my thick skull that it's not the amount, it's what it does to me. I wouldn't put anything else in my body that caused me this much grief.

Have a good day everyone.

xx,
UN :lilheart:

[Pinecone]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Un, almost my whole last year to eighteen months of drinking, I was able to keep it at two drinks per night, although they were higher than average strength beers. It was less than I "wanted" to drink and I was extremely miserable. Of course I binged occasionally, but I could usually restrain it to that amount. The disappointment, shame and psychic hangover was much worse than the physical amount. I just couldn't get over the fact that I couldn't have those two beers and be happy, everyone else seemed to...for me too, it wasn't the amount but what it did to me. Years before this, I would drink 6,8,9 beers a night and although the hangovers were hellacious, it didn't come with the psychic pain of so called "moderation."

See you soon friends!

[Unwasted]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Pinecone, that's exactly what's going on with me. Mentally, it just depresses me to think I can't walk away from 2-3 lousy drinks. My sleep is always bad and although I often don't have a hangover, I just feel crummy compared to how I feel when totally AF. Therein lies my dilemma too. Well, thank you for posting about it - makes me feel a little less crazy.

xx,
UN :lilheart:

[3June2013]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Un I wasn't a huge drinker in terms of amount. Most nights a minimum of 2, maximum 5, but that's weeknights when I had to work the next day. If I was out on the weekend a bottle of wine was nothing. I switched to alcohol some nights that was when I really got hammered.

But the issue for me was I drank every single day. I would go home thinking not today, and end up passed out. I would labour when the waitress asked me what I wanted to drink. One glass? Half a litre? A bottle seemed like a little much seeing as I was the only one drinking (hubby doesn't drink).

I never fell asleep. So when I quit, getting to sleep was a problem.

I ordered a third glass of wine when I knew I should stop at two. I couldn't plan morning activities for fear of being too hung over.

I could go on but I think you're getting the point. It isn't the amount so much as what it does to us.

[Quest for the key]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

I've just found this thread and although I haven't read back I think it's similar to what I'm going through.

I'm not a daily drinker, perhaps 3 maybe 4 times a week. Never on a Saturday either - always school nights. But I can't have just a couple. It'll be half a bottle of wine followed by half a bottle of vodka. And I hold a full time job - married with 4 boys.

I just don't want this any more.

I've played with it for years, and at 42 I've had enough

[mylife]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Hi Quest and welcome!

UN, I have also been able to stick with 2-3 drinks for long periods of time. But having 0 was always a problem and then there would be that occasion where I'd drink more and have a horrible hangover. Even with just 2-3 drinks I generally felt lousy and had sleep problems. I know logically I have a problem with alcohol. It's as simple as that.

[3June2013]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

I came to MWO looking to moderate but since decided quitting felt pretty good. Once I had in some AF time I realized that I was kidding myself, and I can not moderate. I also realized that life without AL isn't the end of the world! Who knew?

[lifechange]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Same here, same here, same here! I'm so grateful for this thread. It's making me feel less crazy as well, UN. I've been trying to moderate since June so I wouldn't have to completely quit. I switched to beer which I seemed to have more control over and "allowed" myself to just drink a couple each night. Normally after 2 I would go out and buy 2 more, then 2 more-- also always looking for the one with the highest al content. Then at some point I convinced myself that I am as I am, if I drink a lot, so what-- worse is stressing about it and adding the stress related problems to my life. It's been so difficult to get to this starting point again. I feel really positive this evening, though, and look forward to checking in here often. It helps so much to read your experiences.

[Unwasted]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Quest, wow, that's a lot of liquor for keeping up with 4 kids and a job. Amazing. You must be absolutely exhausted.

June, you're doing so well - I don't think you've relapsed at all. I appreciate your input.......and thanks for posting about your experience here.

ML, our paths are so similar. I wish we could keep each other on track. Here is a question for you. Do you think posting on MWO helps you put together chunks of AF time? Neither of us has made that mental leap from deprivation to gratitude and we've both been on the site a long time. I think Free and Alls have. Why haven't we? I'm just wondering if I should take a break from MWO, then come back, say, monthly and post "yes" or "no" on my success.

Thoughts anyone? I'm just trying to think of something different to do. It seems like posting here isn't getting results for me. But, then would NOT posting help or hurt? Just trying to think outside the box.

Having said all that, though,..........Lifechange, I would stay here if it helped anyone else. But I can't possibly post advice when I'm not able to keep my own shit together if ya know what I mean.

Open to suggestion..............