Well, That Didn't Take Long

[3June2013]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

free at last congrats on your 90 day milestone! I read "Alcohol Lied to Me" around that time and also bought the MWO hypnosis CDs. I was very nervous in those days that somehow I would convince myself that if I could go 90 days I could drink again. So I armed myself. I had a real epiphany one night, I think I might have already posted it, but I'll repeat. I was thinking of my mum who is 85 and drinks daily and my brother who is 53 and has liver cancer and still drinks. I thought well if I were told I was dying or if I were 85 I might just drink my face off too. Then I thought how silly. If I knew I had a limited amount of time left why on earth would I want to spend it in a haze? Why wouldn't I want to savour every moment as I do now?

Pinecone our minds will play havoc with us at times eh? Bizarre. But we will fight off those stupid thoughts and trudge on.

NS I totally agree AL is nothing but poison why on earth would we willingly ingest it?

Allswell, mylife, good seeing you guys! I took a ten week Spanish course this fall and loved it. I need to go back but I got a new job that's taking a lot out of me right now. I need to pace myself. Try "duo lingo" it's free and fun.

[mylife]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Hello everyone.

Wrapping up a very busy week here. I'm tired and I've also had a bad week sleeping wise, Pinecone. I feel gypped! I'm used to the great AF sleep so I feel really upset when I don't get it!!

Pinecone, thanks for posting your feelings. It's really important to post all your feelings - not just the good ones! They really help all of us get through this together. I can say that for me - the sleep thing hugely affects how I feel in general - that could be what's going on with you in terms of the thoughts of AL. What I've learned from these sites is "push through" and there are always better feelings down the road.

It's great to see how well everyone is doing here, and invaluable to read all the long term advice!

Have a great AF day everyone.

[Pinecone]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Hi friends,

I got a nice twelve hours of sleep last night and I'm feeling much better today. Thanks to all for your kind words and concern. I let my fatigue earlier in the week keep me from exercising and my body and mind felt in pretty poor condition. I was then much more vulnerable to a "sneak attack" on my mind.

NS, after I posted last night I was still exhausted but I did feel a big relief about sharing. There is always something to learn.

Alls, I appreciated your comments about discipline and read it a few times. Thank you!

3June, thanks for your words.

My life, like I said, I really debated about posting how I was feeling until I realized that by not posting, I might have been drifting towards isolation, and I don't like that feeling. I knew I could push through, but I didn't want to start a trend of hiding my problem feelings. It just feels icky.

A big part of my plan is health related. Eating well, exercising, getting plenty of sleep , outside air, meditation, etc. I think I have exposed a hole in my plan this week. What if I got sick, broke a leg or something and was unable to do that stuff? Hmm, more work to do.

Thank you all for your support and have a great AF day!

[lifechange]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Hello everyone!:h

Pinecone, what a difference 12 hours of sleep makes, doesn't it? I just wanted to thank you for posting your feelings the other day. It helps me (us) to hear the struggles of others and how they are thought about and dealt with. We all have to trust ourselves and eachother to be real, and honest with how we are feeling. I know what you meant about worrying about being a "downer"-- but it's great to take the chance and let it out--I think isolating ourselves is often the beginning of a problem--before we even know one is coming on. At least that has been the case with me in the past. -- I hope I'm able to recognise approaching danger when necessary.

Alls, For me it is the very same with (lack of) discipline. Is that common with drinkers? I mean, do you (have you) lack(ed) discipline in all areas of your life? I feel like it's a struggle in many, if not most areas of my life. I have to think about it in more detail-- I know my discipline is improving all around as I continue on this wonderful sober path-

A warm hello and hugs to Mylife, Nosugar, Free, 3June and anybody else stopping by--
I am so tired of late-- a mixture of the changing season and my not-yet-optimal diet, I'm afraid. Working on it, though...

[allswell]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Hi everyone,

Life, to answer your question I would say I am (or was) the classic example of a highly functioning alcoholic. I would get the job done then go home and fall to pieces. Work drove my entire life so no family is in my picture, I have a few regrets about what could have been, what wasn't and how things have turned out. The cold hard truth is there's no one to blame but myself and I accept everything. I have a deep and true respect for personal discipline because it is the only thing that has truly helped me make the changes I needed.

Sorry to go on and on about myself folks. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Take care friends

[mylife]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Good Sunday morning!

Pinecone - glad to hear you are back to feeling better! Sleep is a wonderful thing.

Life - that's an interesting question about discipline. It made me think....in certain areas I feel like I am quite disciplined - but mostly when it comes to doing things outside of myself. (eg. work, family responsibilities etc.) When it comes to me - I think I've been really UN disciplined in most areas. I like to exercise, but I've never been disciplined or regular about it. I have never been disciplined about my diet, and the drinking thing.....no more needs to be said there! In fact, I think it got as bad as it did because I was so bad with diet etc that I thought this was just another area that was a bit "sloppy" and I'd eventually get around to dealing with it - instead of being alarmed at how much I was drinking!

I think one of the main things I'm going to learn on this journey is self discipline. I think someone posted on this site once that self discipline is like a muscle that needs to be exercised in order to become stronger. It rang true with me - and as I gain focus I'm realizing in the whole diet/exercise/taking care of myself area this is something I really need to deal with on all levels - over and above just not drinking alcohol.

Alls - I envy your discipline! Hopefully some will rub off on me.

Have a wonderful AF Sunday all.

[NoSugar]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Hello, Friends

I'm about to hit the road for the long trip home after a lovely weekend to which AL was a central component. My worst challenges were a bit of boredom a couple times and incredulity about the focus of intelligent, successful, otherwise interesting people on what they will be or have been drinking! I don't think they have changed, I just didn't let myself hear how ridiculous all of this is before.

Sharing what we're going through seems to be the way a forum like this works - and like you all have said, it works both ways! It's just that it does feel weird to post about a struggle after waxing poetic about the joys of being AF in the last 10 posts! It's good to know that I'm not the only one who isn't always 100% positive about this so thanks to everyone for telling both sides of their stories.

There doesn't seem to be a single personality type that falls into this trap - I'm (overly?) self-disciplined in all other aspects of my life except drinking - which is what really made me confused about what was going on! I didn't know how to handle something about myself that my typical strict approach couldn't manage - for example, it took a long time before it occurred to me to look for help. I kept thinking I could manage it by force of will.

Hey, Life - way to go on 50 days AF! You are really on your way!

Have a great day/evening! :h NS

[free at last]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Hi all,
Thanks for your congrat notes on reaching 90 days. It is still very much an effort for me. Like 3June, I found myself thinking "well, if you can reach 90 days, perhaps I can have a glass or two of wine with friends on the weekend." Not. Have to say my DH is the most supportive person I know. He quietly keeps encouraging me to stay the course, which I continue to plod along. I don't at all fear as though I have this addiction under control. I feel very much as though the AL addiction is right under the surface, trying to regain a foothold in my life. But, I push the thoughts away and carry on.

I love this thread -- the way people share their fear, feelings, successes. It's very helpful to me. Thanks to all for your honesty, compassion, and support.

[allswell]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Hello everyone,

Reflecting on the upcoming week like I always do on Sunday evening. Leaving mid-week for the marathon in DC, spending 4 lovely days in our nation's capitol then coming home to work the remaining stretch of my own campaign which ends November 5. I feel content and I'm so happy to be where I am at this point in my life.

I hope each and everyone one of you all have a great week and it's a week that matters!

[free at last]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Hi all,

Thought I'd check in with "my network" which is how I describe this thread to my husband. Made me think about support outside of MWO. Am curious how many of you all have talked to someone (in person) about your struggle with AL addiction. My husband witnessed my addiction and efforts to stop for years, my mom witnessed my overconsumption on several occasions, and two girlfriends have seen me out of control. Those are the people I have talked to about this addiction and how I am struggling with it. Otherwise, this forum is pretty much it for me.

As I posted on another thread, I have been having all kinds of thoughts of "at 90 days I will have this under control" or even "at 100 days, I can test the waters with a glass of wine," I know this is not an option for me, but the thoughts are there, every day. One of the threads (about having withdrawl symptoms for up to two years) led me to a site that said you have two stages before a physical relapse -- the emotional stage (in which you are not taking care of yourself, eating right, exercise) and the mental stage (in which you start to plan out when and how you will drink, often hiding your drinking from the people who you have told about your efforts to stop). All of this to say I feel as though this addiction voice is still very strong, trying to lure me back.

Talked to my DH about it this weekend and he said, "That one, half pill of AB every 7-10 days helps you with the mental issues. Why are you resisting taking it?" I think it is because I think if I really want to quit, I'll be able to do so without the pill. So, I went another day without to see if I could resist temptation. The universe responded because I ran into a girlfriend on the way home from the grocery store. She was in the local wine shop participating in a tasting. I went inside and waited while she finished tasting and bought her wine. We went back to my apartment and I opened her wine, poured her a glass, and we chatted. Poured her another glass, and we continued to chat while I am drinking, I swear, the 12th glass of seltzer water and lime for the day. Sent her home with her wine and then asked my husband, "Do you think XX knows I am trying to quit drinking?" To which he responded, "duh? you opened a bottle of wine, poured her two glasses, and sent her home with the bottle. I think she gets it."

This morning, am feeling pleased that I was able to resist incredible temptation but not willing to push it much further. Since I am getting on a business flight tomorrow, then turning down the bottle of complimentary wine in my hotel room, and walking past the free wine in the VIP lounge, I am going to take my half dose of AB and put the mind chatter in the closet for the next week.

So, just wanted to say that you all help keep me on the straight and narrow and for that I am extremely grateful. I hope someday to be of help to you all.

Allswell, glad the race is going forward - I bet it is a thrill to run through such a beautiful city. It should shore you up before the final election race.

Pinecone, NoSugar, LifeChange, Mylife (and Unwasted if you are reading), hope your week is filled with joy and very few thoughts of AL. Keep the faith -- we are all better off without this seductive poison.

Warmest,

[free at last]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

P.S. Just took my half pill so now I have a week's respite from fighting those "just one" thoughts.

[NoSugar]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Good job, Free .

You gave yourself an intense AL-resistance work-out when you were with your friend. Maybe like with physical exercise, a period of rest is needed and you've given yourself that with the AB. Other people can rest differently; for example, it is easy for me not to be around any alcohol for days at at time. Because of your job, you can't do that so it is good you have a different way to take some pressure off yourself. If we had to use will-power at the level you just did without a break, it would be even tougher to prevail.

[lifechange]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Hi Free! What a treat to read such a long post from you --it's so nice to hear about how you are, and as per usual on this thread, I always have something to think about.
I agree with Nosugar--I see myself as very fortunate to never, literally never, have to be directly confronted with alcohol. At this point in my quit I find this to be a blessing. I'm sure it will be different and easier later, but for now it's good. If I had your load of stress+al related activities, from flights to hotel rooms to lunches, etc., I am quite sure I would have either already caved, or be taking antabuse. I didn't realise it helps so much with the mind chatter-- I suppose because of the threat of becoming so violently ill.

As far as telling people, I have said two or three times in the past couple of days, "because I don't drink anymore......"-- it just sort of slipped out and it felt really good. I didn't have a plan as to what I would say if someone asked, "why?", but no one did. I am on the health kick thing, though-- and I've been telling people I'm trying things out for 30 days-- first al, then sugar and beginning sat. coffee. My BF, mom and girlfriends are counting days with me--and my daughters--but they're more interested and impressed by the sugar! Wishing you safe travels!

Interesting regarding discipline. There are definitely different types-- we don't all match, do we? I guess I'm very disciplined when it comes to work--though I have become a bit more slack since living in Germ.--you know you're allowed to be sick here? and you're allowed to take a year off (or more) to spend time with your baby?! Otherwise, with anything regarding food, exercise, general health, moving forward with interests, for example spanish, guitar, yoga, history, etc etc. I'm really good at finding the energy to start and can go at it for awhile, but I give up easily. I do blame a lot of that on my drinking problem. I have been drinking quite heavily my entire life-- and as we all know, it's a rickety roller coaster. Now, slowly but surely, I can see the light. And my mind is clearing, my resolve growing stronger-- now most importantly, I have to remember to be patient and gentle with myself. It took a long time to go down as low as I did and it will take time to not only climb up and out, but to figure out who the heck I am.. in a sense.

:l to all of you. Big fat hugs-- I'm so glad you are here..

[NoSugar]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Hello, again. It is nice to be home and able to check in here periodically during the day -- that has been really helpful in getting this Big Task accomplished.

This weekend I was asked if this 'not drinking' thing was permanent and it was nice to say 'yes' . It wasn't so great that this was met with disappointment but...
whose problem is that??? Not mine.
Being a nondrinker at a social gathering definitely makes you "different" and I must admit, I was really glad when the dancing started!


FallenAngel, who knows that I've struggled with perfectionism sent me an interesting link (How Do You Know What's Good Enough? | Psychology Today) It breaks perfectionism down into 3 categories:

1. The curse of perfectionism. Perfectionism is about doing things, or struggling to do things, in accordance with the loftiest of standards. And these standards, frankly, make very little logical sense.
2. The Prerequisite of Perfection. There are certain things in life that literally demand perfection (e.g. brain surgery).
3. The Selection of Perfection. There are times when you might consciously choose to transcend ?good enough,? to strive (discriminately!) toward perfection.

I have always considered this part of my personality to be a problem (and as a kid, it definitely was a curse). But this article was so illuminating. There is very little that I do that MUST be done perfectly - thank goodness! Part of my decision not to go to medical school was that I knew I didn't want to be responsible for someone else's life and death and that I would agonize over my mistakes.

As an adult, much of my perfectionism fits in category 3 - I like to do some specific things as well as I can and generally not for the praise that can engender. For most things I create, people aren't even going to be aware of the small details that make it the best that I can do but that is ok - I'm glad to have done my best.

Anyway, thinking about it this way is nice - when I catch myself correcting typos in a post here, I don't have to quit telling myself to stop it :H! I don't think any of you care about my typos but it is ok if I prefer to correct them (for me). I think I was worried about all of this b/c traits such as perfectionism are so strongly associated with alcoholism; I think I've been trying to change everything about myself that could possibly be responsible for addiction.

Allswell, have a great run! It's wonderful that you aren't going to be "punished" just because some people don't do their jobs at all, much less perfectly!

[free at last]

Well, That Didn't Take Long

Hi Lifechange and No Sugar, thanks for your encouragement. I feel lately as though I have no discipline when it comes to pretty much anything beyond not drinking. It seems to take all of my efforts these days. I especially relate to the notion that it took a long time for us to get to this stage (or to dig this deep a hole) it will take some time to return to normal.

As for striving for perfection, I think it may be one of those common characteristics of people who have addiction issues. And, NoSugar, I don't even see typos in your posts