one week a lifetime to go

[pinoak]

one week a lifetime to go

connect

witts end;1545905 wrote: tjaf you may have to get it checked with your doctor just to be on the safe side

trying to get to use this website; I see you are online?

[TJAF]

one week a lifetime to go

Night night all. Been a busy AF day! Thanks all for being part of this community.

[little beagle]

one week a lifetime to go

Tj I just saw your thread. I just wanted to tell you that it took me awhile to get over being so tired. I still have days when I just don't felt like doing anything. But it feels way better then a hangover!
You're doing really fantastic. Glad you are here.

[TJAF]

one week a lifetime to go

Had time to think this weekend. As some of you know Ive kept this struggle secret. (Drinking and now not drinking). Part of the reason is that my wife's father was a horrible drunk. She has hated him for it as long as Ive known her. Not a tear was shed the day he died. So I hid my drinking even though at some level she had to know. Now Ive quit and I tell myself that I don't want to talk to her because in doing so I would have to admit many terrible truths. After much thought Im starting to also think that if I told her Id have to stick with this AF life. That maybe the real truth. Thoughts!

[C-Developer]

one week a lifetime to go

TJAF,

I wish that I had some kind of sage advice to give, especially considering all the helpful information you shared with me about my upcoming business conference (I fly out tomorrow afternoon BTW), but the truth is I am about the most awful person in the world when it comes to relationships. Even before I was a drunken waste of space, I have never had a GF for longer than about 7 months.

At the end of the day, none of us know the woman like you do, we just know archetypes from our own lives. My guess is that in your head you are already leaning one way or another, you are just looking for someone to confirm it is a just decision. I am only sorry I have no good advice or life experience to share.

[MossRose]

one week a lifetime to go

TJAF - I have posted many times about my reluctance to share my "secret" with others. I too have wondered if it's due to embarrassment, shame, or just the fact that it is a true commitment to sobriety. Once I say it out loud to people, they will hold me accountable. Your brutal honesty has got me thinking again. But this is a great question and will probably make me toss and turn tonight.

I hope you don't mind me asking you a few questions. I probably missed this in one of your earlier posts, but how can she not know you drink? Or do you think she just sweeps it under the carpet hoping it will go away? What do you think her reaction would be to you admitting all of this to her? (aside from the above). I'm not trying to be nosy, just want to understand your situation a bit better before offering any thoughts or advice.

[TJAF]

one week a lifetime to go

MossRose i dont mind answering your questions. I have found that since I've kept this a secret in my personal life using this forum as an outlet to "speak out loud" is very cathartic. As I noted in my first post I have been a highly functioning drunk (I know many of you hate that phrase). Despite a bottle or more of vodka a day I didn't slur my words, I didnt stumble, I didn't act irrational, I'm not a mean drunk in that I dont get abusive. I have never been in the bottom of the curve where I've cheated on my wife, gotten arrested, got in a fight, lost a job et al. I have been very successful in my career and have never missed the morning bell dispite my drinking. I'm not proud of any of this.

While my wife may suspect that I've had a drink outside of a party or other social function, I dont think she realized how much and how often I was drunk. Her reaction would be rough. As noted, her father was an abusive drunk. (mentally not physically) and she carries many scars as a result. In addition her brother, who she adored, ended up a wreck of a drunk and thier relationship is now nonexistant. With all that said, I really dont know how she will react. I'm sure she would be supportive but this is as much a betrayal of trust as cheating on our marriage. At least that is what part of me thinks...the other half thinks I'm just keeping the door open to resume drinking down the road.

[MossRose]

one week a lifetime to go

TJ, I apologize for taking so long to get back to you. I really had to think carefully before I posted. This is very important and I certainly don't want to give you bad, or flip advice. This is your marriage, after all, and obviously you are already taking serious steps to save it, even before your wife is aware of the problem. And I can guarantee you that if you had continued on your path, there would have been problems in the future. So, that is impressive in itself.

With that said, I am struggling with your question. I strongly believe that deception of any kind is lethal to a marriage. I must add a disclaimer here - my ex cheated on me (long-term affair), and when I found out, it destroyed my world. I have often told him that the affair was secondary to the betrayal I felt from his lies and deception during that time. *end disclaimer*

However, there is one huge difference in my story and yours. My ex had no intention of stopping before he hurt me. My feelings, or the consequences of his actions, never entered into his mind. You, my friend, are way ahead of the curve, because you ARE thinking about your wife's feelings, you ARE concerned about hurting her, and you ARE being proactive. You know that drinking will destroy your marriage, and you are choosing your wife over AL.

So I am going to try to be totally objective here, and leave my personal experience out of this if possible. This is going to sound crazy (even to me), but I think that for now, you may be better off turning to us, getting yourself firmly AF, and then sharing all this with your wife. I am definitely not advising that you keep this a secret forever. But I just want you to be strong enough to discuss it with her compassionately and with true conviction so that she doesn't feel unsafe and run. With her history, it sounds like she will need a great deal of reassurance to get through this. I realize you do also, but your question was about your wife and marriage, so I'm trying to stay on target.

I know that others are going to disagree with this advice. And there is a part of me that disagrees with it myself - strongly! I know that support in real life is so important. I know that honesty in a marriage is crucial. I know that we need to be held accountable. Actually, TJ, I'm just not sure how helpful this will be and hope that others will weigh in.

So, please take anything of value, and toss the rest.

Moss

[TJAF]

one week a lifetime to go

Thanks for the advice Moss. I do think I'll take your advice and lay low until I get real time sobriety behind me. I also agree that I need to come clean at some point.

I know I equated my hiding how much I was drinking to infidelity and, in large part, any betrayal of trust in a marriage is bad; however, there is a subtle difference. While I can say that I made the choice to drink when I first picked up a beer a hundred years ago I never choose to be an alcoholic. I really believe that this is a problem that is hard wired in my sodden brain and once I crossed the line my bed was made. Cheating on ones marriage however IMHO is 100% voluntary.

As to the question of whether or not my wife knows of my level of drinking, Last night I startled my wife when I yelld at a cat that was getting in to my daughters food ( she left it unattended). She looked at me and said something to the effect of "jeeze calm down...why don't you have a beer. That is something she would have never said if she understood my addiction. Of course I told her I didnt want a beer but in my little Alkie head I could hear myself saying "dont mind if I do". Fortuantely I have made sure that the house is dry...stash was dumped 40 days ago.

[13sept]

one week a lifetime to go

allswell;1540535 wrote: Hi TJAF and welcome,

I've quit so many times my head can spin but when you mention 5 pm being when the cravings hit I'm thinking there might be something else other than the usual time to start drinking after work that kicks that craving in and that's low blood sugar levels. Did you ever notice you don't crave alcohol after you've had something to eat? Did you ever notice how much you crave alcohol if you've skipped a meal? 5pm is that perfect storm hour where we're hungry and stressed about work, rush hour etc, and the time when we usually pick up a drink to "relax". Having the blood sugar levels even throughout the day has worked wonders. For me it's eating 5 regular meals, the 3 normal and two snacks and not skipping a meal ever. Just a thought.

I think that is my problem
Come 5pm and the thoughts come up
Sometimes I can start to think about it in the morning and it will last all day especially if there's none in the cupboard
Never thought about low blood sugar and empty tummy
I'll give the 5 snacks @day and see if that works
Thanks for that

[spiderwoman]

one week a lifetime to go

If you look in the Toolbox you will read about H.A.L.T - it goes like this, don't get too

Hungry

Angry

Lonely

Tired

Remembering this has kept me in line for the last few months, I've drunk gallons of lemonade and ginger beer whether I've wanted it or not and eaten pounds of chocolate. OK the weight problem is still a bit of an issue, but I am sober and loving it. You're doing so well, don't try to make too many other major lifestyle changes until you are very confident of your quit. The nurse at my doctors said to give it at least a year, staying sober has to be the priority.

Wishing you well, Sylv

[TJAF]

one week a lifetime to go

I just read an article that is a bit heavy on the scientific jargon but i found it facinating and chock full of stats that have opened my eyes to the path ahead. This was targeted for primary care physicans so it also answers CDev question on another topic regarding what a primary care physican should do far better than I could have. The file is too big to attach here but if you google "schuckit alcohol use disorders" you'll find it

[TJAF]

one week a lifetime to go

Survived! I threw a party for my son's birthday yesterday with lots of friends and family. There was a ton booze. On a whole bunch of occasions it was like an out of body experience. I reached for a beer or wine with out even thinking. Caught myself although the internal argument was intense.. It was way more difficult than I imagined. I drank Al free beer and by afternoon after three or four of those had myself a raging headache. Guess I not quite ready fir prime time. I could have easily jumped off the wagon. Still fighting a big time headache. Feel like I'm hungover. Ugggh.

[NoSugar]

one week a lifetime to go

I'm so glad you made it, TJAF. You would have been so disappointed if you hadn't.

Is it possible that you would be better off w/o the non-AL beers? Just be done with all of it? The AF wines are GROSS and that is the only thing I ever drank so I got off easy on that one. I'm afraid that if the AF wines were good and I drank them, it would be a short step for me to the real thing. Personally, I think it is easier to just not participate and instead enjoy a high-quality non-AF beverage.

Anyway, congratulations on making it through the party with your status as a non-drinker intact!

[TJAF]

one week a lifetime to go

I was drinking a high quality german brand fo AF beer that really tasted like the real thing but I got to think that was what gave me the headache....my brain was saying "whaaaaat, yo dude where's the buzz." I thnk I'll pass on the AF beer in the future. Had a ball yesterday cleaning out the cooler with the case of beer inside. I think I need to come clean with the family.