Hello.

[eeyore]

Hi. Not sure where to post this , so here goes anyway.
I'm new here, regardless of what my 'join date' indicates. First posting ever (on any website). Been lurking in the 'cheap seats'. Bear with me, please, I'm kinda scared. and - SORRY - this post got VEERRRY long. Feel free to skip to the end where I get to the point!

Have been avoiding posting for a variety of reasons:

• I have nothing new to say, you've all heard it all before, so why bother?
• Someone might recognize me. Kinda crazy, eh?
• I have no "Plan"
• I don't seem to be ready to commit to AFThe things i am seeking "advice" on are ones I need to decide for + DO by myself. So why bother posting and bothering good people who are on their road already DOING the things they need to doThe ol' "I dont' need to post, I can do this on my own . . . "I don't want to spend any more time on computers than I have to. . . . and if i sat here any longer the list would grow. as there are surely 1,000 + reasons to NOT post . . .

Regarding not being ready to go AF: Have only ever considerd modding at this point with the 30 days Af beforehand); But to go AF I think I should taper; I regularly have good intentions of tapering, and as the drink of choice (beer) runs out, and the prospect of there being none looms, the Fear hits and I order more. and sometimes add wine + spirits to the order just to be sure there is SOMETHING in the house when the beer runs out. It's a little more involved to get alcohol to ones' home where I live - liquor permits and being flown in by air cargo involved. So A) there's no point in ordering "a little" (e.g. 1 x 12 or 24 -pack) as it is expensive to begin with and there is a minimum charge, so may as well add more, No? and B) if order more, figuring for a taper, well, then all of a sudden there is all this alcohol in the house.. . . and somehow the "taper" goes off course . Imagine?!?!
Yes-the situation should/could be ideal to have NO al around, because one "SIMPLY does not order it" (suggested by well-intentioned medical practioners. makes sense. i don't think we were speaking the same language. . ).

The times I seem to be drink less is actually when I am on vacation. Vacation lately usually involves trips with my Mum. It's short term, but it sure curbs the alcohol usage, and things always seem to look brighter while away. But then I convince myself it's because I'm on v-a-c-a-t-i-o-n, away from work. which is partly the case, I'm sure. But how much of it is the decreased AL consumption?

BUT, things seem to be unravelling here at a quicker pace the last few weeks. Am beginning to see NO Reason to quit, or moderate AL; have been calling in sick more often; have work tasks that are simply NOT getting done, and will most likely be called on this soon. . . and the on-going "What is the Point?" and "It's too late". I am almost 50 in a technician job (geomatics) with a diagonal-downwards graph of "progressive experience". . . Basically - I am in dead-end job, living on my own, no hubby, no children, in a fly-in community, far from family, with little-to-no social interaction outside of work colleagues. Have had appointments with Wellness Counsellor but I am having difficulty embracing his approach (loving what is), so have avoided appointments lately.

Now that I've started, I seem to want to clue you in on ALL aspects all at once! SORRY. I will reign this in, in the hope that I will continue posting in the future; and you will continue reading/responding(?).

BACK to why I have gotten it together to post tonight -
and this is where I feel TOTALLY RIDICULOUS - is I need other people to provide me with some compelling reasons to not put in an order tomorrow to stock up on liquor supplies. THIS FEELS SOOOOO LAME. But you've all shown such non-judgemental support to each other on this site that I thought I ought to try. for me - as I don't seem to be giving myself any kind of helping hand at the moment.

Thank you all for your time!

PS - I know about the Newbies Nest, but have forgotten how to get to the Toolbox; and did there used to be a "How to get a Plan" thread?
PPS - in potential event that we never hear from each other again - YOU ARE ALL DOING AN AWESOME JOB! GOOD LUCK.

[Samstone]

Hello.

Hello Eeyore
I'd advise not ordering booze but some sort of reading material on quitting. Find something to keep yourself busy, walking, cleaning house etc. I enjoy Tai Chi and started taking classes. Doing something good for yourself makes you feel good.

Here's the toolbox link: https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html.
Best
Sam

[broken halo]

Hello.

Hello Eeyore. You are one long time lurker, glad you finally decided to post! I think you know I am going to say don't place the order. You are calling in sick more often, not following things through at work. That's the way I was and it's not good.

You can actually use your situation to your advantage. If you don't order booze, you can't drink. As Sam says, there are other things you can do. What interests do you have? Sam does Tai Chi, for me it's exercise at the gym and reading. Have you done much reading on AL?

whatever you decide we won't judge you. Now you've made that first post I hope you continue. Please join us in the nest, and let us know how you get on

[witts end]

Hello.

Hello eyesore,sorry but I agree with the others .....don. 'T order.....simple.....but you have a choice
And it's up to you which you choose.....if you place the order .....your not ready to quit....even if you do know it is effecting your life
Just do 1 day at a time ..........it 's your choice

[Pinecone]

Hello.

Hi Eeyore and welcome!

I'm glad you got the courage together to post. It's not lame to reach out for help. Maybe you shouldn't order more booze because it sounds like you don't enjoy drinking and it's messing up your life.

I can sympathize with you about the mid games/fear too. Alcohol is very available where I live and I'd always have a six pack or twelve pack, then drink most of it but leave a couple. Well, of course a couple isn't enough for the next night so I'd have to get more again. This repeated itself for years, even after I really wanted it to stop. It was a kind of fear that I had to get over to get better.

Points 5 and 6 on your list of reasons not to post really sound familiar to me. I was very stupidly self reliant and stubborn when it came to trying to quit. When it came to brass tacks though, I couldn't do it on my own. I have always been very stubborn and proud of it, but to not have control over a drinking problem is frightening.

I hope you continue to check in and post if you can.

[paulywogg]

Hello.

hi eeyore,(my favorite btw) im glad you decided to post,i was like that at first too,before i joined id read but feel as you do that theyd heard it all before,but im glad i joined into this wonderful place,i agree with what pinecone said in that the drinking doesnt seem to be making you very happy anymore,you seem kinda lonely,but your still young,working,have a roof over your head,try and think positive,how do you want to live the rest of your life?in the end it is your choice whether to order your al or not,but i say nah,waste of money,invest in yourself instead i hope to see you around eeyore,again im glad you posted

[Lavande]

Hello.

Glad you decided to post eeyore

Fear kept me from doing what I really need to do - quit drinking!
I had no idea what to expect. I had no idea how I was going to handle all the stuff in my life that I was 'drinking at'!!!!!

Start on page 1 of the https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html
I guarantee that you will find a thousand good reasons to quit & a thousand different things you can do to stay quit

Wishing you the best on your journey!

Lav

[nancy]

Hello.

time for a change?

I think one positive thing that stands out in your first post is that you are drinking less while with your mother on vacation. So when you are with people you are close to and relaxing you are drinking less? Since you are single with no hubby or children, why are you staying where you are?

Sometimes addiction is a call to attention.

[K9Lover]

Hello.

Hi Eeyore!

I'm glad you decided to post! I'm not going to say "Just don't order any more"...if ONLY it were that simple, right? Sure, you might not order more but then what, are there more dangerous/desperate ways you might feel compelled to get some? Quitting alcohol involves so much more than the physical act of not drinking. You've got to commit to it. The fear and mind games kept me drinking for much longer than it should have. When I finally realized that NOT drinking is easier than drinking (no more planning, stocking up, hiding it, covering up...etc, etc), it finally all came together for me. Please keep reading and posting so we can get to know you better!

K9

[NoSugar]

Hello.

eeyore;1541526 wrote:

Have been avoiding posting for a variety of reasons:

• I have nothing new to say, you've all heard it all before, so why bother? Because maybe the way you phrase it will open a door for someone else. And a response directed to you will mean more to you and perhaps help you make a change.
• Someone might recognize me. Kinda crazy, eh? Not crazy but you are in control of how much personal detail you post so you don't need to worry about that (since you won't be drunk-posting :H !!!).
• I have no "Plan" We would be happy to help you come up with one if you provide a general framework of what you do each day.
• I don't seem to be ready to commit to AF If you mean to a lifetime AF, perhaps start by committing to 1 day, then 1 week, etc. After a month, you can reassess and decide if you are better off without it or are one of the few who could successfully moderate.The things i am seeking "advice" on are ones I need to decide for + DO by myself. So why bother posting and bothering good people who are on their road already DOING the things they need to do It is helpful to me to tell someone (who I hope is interested) what I am doing - it helps me recommit to the path I have chosen and I hope that it also helps the person I am writing to.The ol' "I dont' need to post, I can do this on my own . . . " Yeah, I thought that, too, b/c that is my modus operendi in most aspects of my life but it just didn't work for this. For me, the support made all the difference and perhaps it could for you, too. There are a lot of 'control freaks' on MWO (and I count myself among them and am not trying to be insulting). We are people who are used to being in charge and handling things. Maybe elements of that personality helped get us into this mess in the first place. I know that that part of me greatly delayed my admitting, even to myself, that I needed help. It is ok to need others . I don't want to spend any more time on computers than I have to My job is online, also. I at least use a different computer or an iPad when I'm on MWO. Plus, the rewards for me outweigh any negative elements. . . . . and if i sat here any longer the list would grow. as there are surely 1,000 + reasons to NOT post . . . Perhaps, but there are 1,001 good reasons to do it :welcome: !

BUT, things seem to be unravelling here at a quicker pace the last few weeks.

This is reason #1 to get involved on MWO - reading and posting. As Byrdie says, your relationship with AL is as good as it is going to get right now. Time to end it.

Now that I've started, I seem to want to clue you in on ALL aspects all at once! SORRY. I will reign this in, in the hope that I will continue posting in the future; and you will continue reading/responding(?).

People who are interested will read what you write. I will. If the length bothers someone, s/he just doesn't have to read it. The writing itself can help you, especially if you are writing for a reader to whom you are trying to explain the situation. It can really help you organize your thoughts.

BACK to why I have gotten it together to post tonight -
and this is where I feel TOTALLY RIDICULOUS - is I need other people to provide me with some compelling reasons to not put in an order tomorrow to stock up on liquor supplies. THIS FEELS SOOOOO LAME. But you've all shown such non-judgemental support to each other on this site that I thought I ought to try. for me - as I don't seem to be giving myself any kind of helping hand at the moment.

Please don't place that order. Go buy yourself something special that you never do because you save all your extra money to drink.

Thank you all for your time!

PS - I know about the Newbies Nest, but have forgotten how to get to the Toolbox; and did there used to be a "How to get a Plan" thread?
PPS - in potential event that we never hear from each other again - YOU ARE ALL DOING AN AWESOME JOB! GOOD LUCK.

You might find the Newbie's Nest a useful (and fun ) place to hang out. Hope to see you there!! :welcome: :h NS

[eeyore]

Hello.

Hello again

:thanks:
Thank you all for your kind words. Brought tears to my eyes. I read them the other night. and then instead of responding right away, I've been thinking them over and making things complicated. Specialty of mine.

Sam, Broken Halo, Witts End - ah yes. if were only that simple. It IS in a way, I realize. But. Yes, there are all kinds of reasons to quit, and ways to keep ones' self busy in the process, but the Friggin' FEAR seems to keep the process from starting in the first place.

Pinecone, Paulywogg, Lavande, K9 - you seem to understand the Fear I mentioned. Thank you Sooo Much for your kind and insightful replies.

"Start on page 1 of the Toolbox". haha. That'll take some focus! good luck to me. I have habit of jumping ahead, skipping to the end, backtracking, losing the thread . . .. There is a lack of focus, for sure.

Nancy - If I'm honest one big reason I probably drink way less while on vacation with Mum is to not cause disapproval. and she doesn't drink, so it's a bit easier. But things also just seem better when I am away. probably because it is temporary. Yes, it probably is time for a change. But I see no way forward at the moment. Decisions coming from a place of Fear, again?

NoSugar - thank you for the detailed reply and all the suggestions! You mention to my saying I have no Plan - "We would be happy to help you come up with one if you provide a general framework of what you do each day". Maybe later? I just started giving it a shot and started getting all embarassed. Couldn't continue. hmmmmm. Guess that may be one place to start, eh? Maybe writing it out and "telling" someone about how I spend my time, letting the light of day shine onto it? iicck. Don't like that idea. Very uncomfortable.

I read quite a bit on here yesterday, and am still trying to formulate some kind of plan. at least try to get to Day 1 of 30. and get tapered down without ordering more beer to DO the taper. I think you got it sussed there, Paulywogg. There's some left, but then that's not enough . . . :-)
Yes, I think I ought to taper down. I like to say I drink ~4-5 drinks a night. Well. I got busy on the computer and tallied up some of chicken-scratching on pads I have, of how many drinks I've had a night (bit of OCD perhaps?). Lo and behold. If I take into account that often the beers are 16oz, and calculate equivalent N.American units, then looks like I'm averaging more like EIGHT lately. 6 in June, 8 in July, even up to 9 these first 2wks of August. yikes.

How quickly is it safe to taper down? IF I can stick to it, would it be safe to go from 8 yesterday and get to zero by this Thurs/Friday? In the past I've never wanted the first AF day to be a Friday, but then continuing to try to taper DOWN on Fri/Sat/Sun when there is backup around has not worked, has it?!

OK. gotta go. I'm going to get some cooking for the week ahead done. now. Instead of saving it for this afternoon. and THEN I will try to get my butt out the door for a walk. or have a nap? I can already hear myself with "it's already almost 1pm. Better to go out for a walk NOW and just do the cooking later when you have to make yourself a bite anyway". "Later" would probably be closer to 4-5pm. I'll come in hungry, a favourite radio programme is on, I'll decide to cook something first before I eat anything because 4pm is for some reason "no time to have meal" (?) and then of course I'll have a drink while trying to decide what to cook, and then I'll have drink(s) while cooking . . . and probably wouldn't wind up eating until 7ish. Cooking and Drinking are almost unseparably linked here. Not sure how I'm going to deal with that.

Thanks for your time, again.
aaccchhhh. just trying to hit "submit" to this damn thing and am getting all shaky and sweaty and nervous. aaaaccchhhh.

:new:

[NoSugar]

Hello.

eeyore;1542439 wrote: :

NoSugar - thank you for the detailed reply and all the suggestions! You mention to my saying I have no Plan - "We would be happy to help you come up with one if you provide a general framework of what you do each day". Maybe later? I just started giving it a shot and started getting all embarassed. Couldn't continue. hmmmmm. Guess that may be one place to start, eh? Maybe writing it out and "telling" someone about how I spend my time, letting the light of day shine onto it? iicck. Don't like that idea. Very uncomfortable.

Cooking and Drinking are almost unseparably linked here. Not sure how I'm going to deal with that.

Hi, Eeyore

Glad we didn't scare you away !

I have posted many things on MWO that I can't believe I wrote -- I hadn't even admitted much of it to myself but ended up spilling it out here. And guess what -- no one was very shocked and definitely no one was judgmental. I even typed posts in coffee shops while crying (and guess what, I am so happy how my life has changed, I'm not even embarrassed about that!).

I received responses, and questions that helped me dig further into what I was thinking... it really helped. Telling the truth to myself and the MWO world freed me enough to make a plan and take the steps I needed to take. So, please try not to be embarrassed. I can almost guarantee you that anything you write will not be the most shocking thing anyone here has written or read.

A large number of people here have strong cooking-drinking associations. As part of your plan, minimize the meal-preparation time for awhile and don't ever let yourself be very hungry. I still do not like to cook quite as much as I used to (appears that the cooking perhaps was not the main appeal...), but like exercise, I'm getting back into it.
You need to be patient with yourself while your mind and body heal.

I don't know much about tapering but if your body doesn't overreact, just quitting NOW is the way to go in my opinion. I didn't want "the long good-bye".

All the best to you. :h NS

[eeyore]

Hello.

hmm. apparently i'm trying to use too many images. let's try again.

Ashamed was maybe more like it. Embarassed too light. oh well.

Yes, it's occurred to me that maybe cooking has become something that is just something I do to give me the idea/feeling that I am DOING something, while the main activity is actually Drinking. Not many other projects at the apt that can keep going on so (relatively) well while drinking. And besides gotta prepare meals for the work week ahead, no? I don't think cooking was always like that for me

At this point I'm still into "the long good-bye" as otherwise it wouldn't even be on the radar. Tho I can hear The Voice coming up (maybe I should give it name?) - - you may be going out for appointments, etc. to a major city at the beginning of September, why not wait with the 30 Day thing until after you come back, as you'll want to be going out for dinner, maybe to that wine bar . . . And it IS a treat flying out to a city from here. believe you me. so it is usually time to treat oneself at the same time. beyond the haircut, appts to eye doctor, etc. But I think maybe i actually drink LESS while away even by myself as when here. actually not so confused. just don't want to get into it right now.

On a Progress Front. I did some food prep BEFORE I went out. Left the house around 4pm. out for walk until 5:30/6 and then had a shower. So that's better.

I usually sleep Terribly on Sundays. It's connected to the work week beginning. dont' want to get into that, either.

and I noticed when coming home after walk. A trigger seems to simply be entering apartment. or maybe it's just coming home anytime btwn the hours of 3 - 7? Other trigger is 'what the hell am i going to do all night?' when I am feeling oddly awake-n-sober in the PM (like now). As most things (even things that used to seem like fun projects) now feel like CHORES. I held off for a while. Had a club soda. started some laundry. had a long shower, but yes I've had a couple drinks. but whole lot less than other sundays at 8pm.

gosh. these posts of mine always seem to get so long. maybe i really DO need to let it all out? :no::no:

Is Newbies Nest only for those already AF? I'm not sure I'm ready for it. too many people.

Bye for now.
:new: :thanks:

[Pinecone]

Hello.

Hi again, Eeyore. The newbies nest is just a nice place to hang out on this site. It gets a lot of traffic compared to some of the other threads. All are welcome. I like it a lot because its where I really "got" the commonality of our problem. I thought that waking up at 3 am, and a lot of other stuff was just me. Yes, I do get the fear aspect, which kept me drinking for years longer than I should have. I put one of my favorite quotes about fear in my signature line to remind myself. I'm glad you're getting something out of being here. I use this site as my sole support outside of friends/family and it has really helped.